The others found me half-an-hour later, prostrated in the hallway, naked, covered with blood. They besieged me with questions, they told me that they’d sensed something was wrong and that they’d come back as fast as they could, but they were too late. It wasn’t their fault, even though their guilt hit me with full force and broke the remains of my heart. They had nothing to feel ashamed of. I was the one who was supposed to protect them, and myself. But this time, I hadn’t been able to. Next time, it would all be different. It would never happen again.
Adélie led me to the bathroom on the first floor, which was much bigger than the one in the attic. She offered to help me shower, but I refused. Ryan had taken enough advantage of my naked-self for a lifetime, no one but me was supposed to access it. I stayed for two hours in the shower, scrubbing my body until I bled. It was a mechanical reflex. My brain was on a loop: scrub, scrub, scrub. As if it would be enough to make it all go away. Water was burning, the washing mitt was burning, my tears were burning, my heart was burning. Everything was burning.
The witch asked through the door if I needed anything, but I didn’t answer. The things I needed, she could not give me: I needed to kill Ryan, and to see Johan. I had to know that he was still alive, that there were still good, honest, respectful and decent men on the face of this earth. I had to know that everyone was not like Ryan. But Johan was not here.
When I left the shower, I put on the first clothes I could find, and took refuge in Milo’s arms. I craved human warmth to wipe down the monstrous touch of that dickhead. Johan wasn’t there, but Milo was. And he was a good and respectful man. I trusted him, and I knew he would never hurt me or touch me without my consent. That was exactly why I was in his arms. And I felt safe. If Milo was hugging me, it meant that no one else could, so I was safe from them. Weird reasoning, but I wasn’t always consistent.
I remained in his arms for a long time, motionless, with my eyes closed, breathing his scent to forget Ryan’s. I kept on asking myself that obsessive question: why is the world ruled by hatred and violence?
Milo was gently stroking my hair, which helped me calm down. I’d always loved people touching my hair, maybe a girl thing. My wounds had healed, and I only had a migraine left, along with serious nausea. Everyone was worried about me. Colin, who was too young to understand, kept on crying because our bond was overflowing with negative emotions. The others felt anger, concern, guilt, and fear, but I was irritated. If anyone was supposed to feel guilty, it was me. They kept on talking to me, and that irritated me too. I would not have any of it, I was interested in their speeches.
“You should eat something, Maddie,” Milo murmured, still stroking my hair.
“What are you gonna do, make me?!” I rebuffed him harshly.
“No, of course not,” he answered with an upset look.
I was too pissed off to be nice or sorry. Maybe I was done with listlessness. Maybe rage was starting to get stronger than all other emotions and I’d only get more irritated, who knows? Suddenly, a thought entered my mind. “Adélie!” I shouted so that she might come immediately.
Yes, that was maybe a bit extra, but I wasn’t quite like myself. I was full of anger and my she-wolf was seething, on the merge of breaking out every second. It was hard to control myself when the only thing I wanted was to let her take over and break everything in the house to relinquish some anger. I was unstable. The smallest little thing might make me go furiously insane.
Adélie came in running with a pan full of tomato sauce. “Yes, I’m here! What is it, what’s wrong?”
I ignored her stupid questions. Seriously, did she just ask me what was wrong? I resisted the urge to grab that pan and hit her in the head with it. But deep down, I knew that that anger inside me wasn’t due to my friends. They were doing their best to help me, to make me feel better, and to comfort me. The only problem was that I wasn’t yet ready for it.
“Is there any way you can contact Johan?” I asked curtly. “I want him to come, right now.”
“Of course, yeah, I’ll call right now…” She threw the pan in Lola’s hands who winced with pain and put it away. Adélie ran to the phone, panicked.
She wanted to do well. This time, guilt tickled me when I saw how much she worked her fingers to the bone to satisfy my every need. She took the phone and went upstairs dialing, which was stupid. Did she actually think that I would not hear her from where I was? That might turn out to be an interesting conversation. Johan picked up on the third ring. “Adélie, what’s wrong?”
I was wrapped up in his warm voice. Even if it was a little distorted through the phone, it remained beautiful and comforting. I soothed down a bit, but the wolf inside me didn’t. She was still pacing up and down my stomach like a lion in a cage, waiting for the first opportunity to burst out and lash everything on its way. I closed my eyes to enjoy Johan’s voice.
“You need to come home,” she said.
“I’m a little busy so I’d love it if you could be more precise.”
“Yes, you’re busy, and we’re gonna need to have a conversation about what you do in your free time, but this is about Maddie.”
“Maddie?” he gasped with a concerned tone of voice. “What’s happening? Is she hurt, is she alright? Is it her pack? What is it?!” It felt good to hear him being so distraught. It may be silly and selfish, but I needed to know he cared about me as much as I cared about him.
Adélie was stammering and groping for her words. She seemed a bit shocked to see that Johan, her protégé, was so fond of me. “She… Well, she’s been hurt but that’s not what, hum, really matters… She was attacked by… someone from her former pack, and, hum, she… she wants you to come. Look, Johan, I don’t know what’s going on between the two of you, and I don’t know what you’re about, but I’m worried about her, so please, come home.”
There was a long silence after her explanation. The interference seemed to reveal Johan’s anger. My heart ached. Was he going to come? And if he did, what would his reaction be? Would he be resentful? A sudden heaving shook my body from head to toe.
“I’m on my way,” Johan rumbled on the phone.
I suddenly got up and puked in the toilet. Milo followed me and wanted to come inside but I slammed the door in his face and locked it. This was a terrible idea. I didn’t want Johan to see me in such a state, I didn’t want him to come. I couldn't stand him rejecting me because someone else had touched me. I started crying. I hated to cry, so I cried even more because I didn’t like to cry.
Adélie knocked on the door. “Maddie, open the door please, let me in.”
“I don’t want him here!” I yelled through the tears. “Call him back and tell him not to come!”
“Okay Maddie, I’ll call him back, I’ll do everything you want. But come out, please.” She sounded desperate and about to cry.
Not only was I the worst alpha ever, but also the worst friend there ever was. Everybody was bending over backwards for me, and I behaved like a freaking sleaze. My sobbing increased, and eventually, Adélie left. I could feel Lola, Clemencia and Milo sending me comforting vibes and it was helping a little. Their support warmed up my heart, and even if right now I was secluded, I wasn’t alone.
I don’t know how long I stayed there. A couple hours, the whole night maybe. My tears had stopped running down my face. I had cried and puked, and expelled the disgust I felt towards Ryan, and myself. I was in a better state of mind, and I felt stupid for having reacted this way. I was tired. My head leaned against the wall, and I closed my eyes, but a minute later, I started because of a slight knock on the door. “Mad’...”
He was there. Johan was here, he’d come. My anger vanished in the blink of an eye. Even my she-wolf subsided. My heart started beating faster as a reaction to his presence. He completed me. But in spite of it all, I didn’t want him to be here. I hadn’t changed my mind: I wasn’t strong enough to cope with his rejection. I didn’t answer, hoping he’d eventually go away.
“I’d
love it if you’d open the door. I need to see you, to see that you’re ok, please…”
Silence.
“Madelyne…” he begged.
Silence.
“I won’t force you out, but I’ll stay until you do…”
Silence.
Sometimes, silence hurts. I heard him sigh and the door quaked: he’d probably leaned with his back against it. I was surrounded by relief: he wasn’t lying, he wasn’t planning on forcing me out. I leaned against the door too, and on the other side, I heard his breathing, and his heartbeat, pounding like crazy. It was reassuring.
I was starting to doze off when the rustling of a piece of paper caught my attention. I looked on the ground: he’d just slid a folded sheet under the door. I stared at it for a while, hesitating, and grabbed it eventually: a heart had been drawn on it. Before my brain understood, my lips instantly widened to smile. It felt weird. Another sheet of paper appeared.
I need you Mad’. Please, let me see you, let me hold you in my arms…
My heart ached, again. He seemed sincere. Did he not know what had happened? I’d told the others when they found me though. Maybe they hadn’t told him? I answered in a husky whisper. “You’re going to hate me…”
“How could I ever?” he murmured. “Nothing that’s happened is your fault. It is not your fault Maddie, you hear me? You understand it, don’t you? I could never hate you.”
“I don’t want you to see me like this.”
“I’ll close my eyes then.”
Another smile. I kept quiet, hemming and hawing. Could I trust him, and believe him? Before all of this, I would never have doubted him, but now… I doubted everything.
No.
I slapped my brain. I would not let myself go down that road. I would not let Ryan win. Johan was right, this was not my fault. It wasn’t my fault if some men were trash and if their pecker was in their brains instead of their pants and if they thought women were mere objects. This wasn’t my doing. And I shouldn’t beat myself up for it. Yes, I was shaken by everything that had happened. But I was fine. I would let neither fear nor shame rule my life. I was Madelyne freaking Carson, a woman, an alpha, and a strong and generous one, who trusted people easily, and even if driven by desire, would not become the shadow of her former self.
I unsteadily got up, and I heard Johan do the same on the other side of the door. I unlocked the door, and after a hesitation, I opened it. Here he was, in front of me. And I saw his face for the first time. His hair, medium length, black, disheveled, gave him that thuggish look, and with his little stubble, as well as his straight jawline… hot as hell. Yet there was a concerned wrinkle in the middle of his forehead, and his eyebrows were frowned too, which revealed how worried and upset he was. His eyes were closed, I could not see their color, but my mind drifted for a second trying to picture them. Green, brown, or blue, maybe? His pale and full lips, hypnotizing, seemed to be calling mine to be bitten. He was wearing a black and loose tank-top, which revealed his muscular physique I had managed to caress in our last encounter. In spite of our fondling the last time, I hadn’t noticed how tall, how broad-shouldered he actually was. He was bowing a little, as if he shoulders were supporting the weight of his anxiety. His hands were in his black pants’ pocket, which imparted both a blasé and angry attitude.
He was handsome.
Not handsome like models in the glazed paper of a magazine, who had a rigid beauty, but the kind of beauty that is specific to each and every single person, and that you can only see if you love them. He had that extra something that made my heartbeat faster, that little hypnotic thing, both sweet and rough, tender and hoodlum like that was leading me to want to get to know him from every angle. Was he this beautiful too deep in the dark? Or in the moonlight? Would his lips be this sexy if he dared smile? And that beautiful, masculine, serious face, would it transform when happy? I craved him, and I thirst going into his soul, and explore its myriad aspects.
It was getting harder and harder to wait. We were less than a foot apart, yet he felt so far away. Staring at him wasn’t enough to satiate my appetite, I needed his touch.
I suddenly ran into his arms; I couldn’t wait any longer. When our bodies touched, a violent shock electrified me from head to toe, as if I’d pulled an elastic, and it was suddenly coming back to me. He caught me in flight and held me close as I put my arms around his neck and my legs around his waist. I was soaked in his scent, this scent that I loved so much, and it instantly calmed every inch of me. He hugged me tight, and it did me good. I stuffed my nose in his neck, where no one but him and my own thoughts could find me. He did the same, and I sensed him breathing in my scent too. I held him tighter and tighter. I had a thousand questions to ask him but for now, I just needed him. At least for a few minutes, nothing had to come between us. No questions, no concerns, no fear; just him, and me, and the silence.
Chapter 19
The minutes were strung out. My she-wolf was slowly unwinding, and my heart found its way towards a steadier beat. All the anxiety, the shame, the shock and the anger I’d been feeling until then suddenly vanished. But revenge…. Revenge was still there, deep in my soul and in my guts. I was beginning to understand that I was safe now, and that what happened today was terrible, but it was in the past. Now, with Johan’s arms around me, I needed to moor into the present if I didn’t want to lose it. I had no desire to replay the scene, I didn’t want it to be played on a loop in my head, and I didn't want it to make me a victim forever. I would not be haunted. I was strong. I would digest it, and instead of forgetting it, I will deal with it. It would take time, but I had time to spare, and with the help of my loved ones, it would be a piece of cake.
I hugged Johan tighter. He still felt too far away. I wanted him to make me forget Ryan’s disgusting touch with his own. I could hear the witches moving upstairs. It was probably five or six in the morning, but no one had slept, not even Esthelle, who was worried about me. And now I was going to have to face them. I would have to answer all their questions and share Johan with them. But I didn’t want to. “I want to leave this place,” I whispered in his neck.
“Where do you want to go?”
“Anywhere, as long as you’re with me.”
“Fine. But we mustn’t make eye-contact,” he sighed, still breathing in my scent.
“Why?” I was tired of secrets. I wanted him whole, his eyes included. I did have an idea as to why he wouldn’t let us look into each other’s gaze, but still… Now was not a good time to get on my nerves.
He seemed to be hesitating. “Well, because…” he started saying, before giving up. “You know why.” He wasn’t lying, and I appreciated it. I needed to know I could trust him completely, and there’s no trust without truth. He was avoiding the truth and changing the subject but he wasn’t hiding it. That was all I needed.
I left the warmth and the safety of his body to look at him. His eyes were decidedly closed. How pigheaded was he? I grazed his lips with my fingers and went off to explore his face. I liked the texture of his five o’clock shadow, the hairs prickling my fingers in a funny noise, I liked the softness of his lips and the tingling he made as I wandered about his face. Why did he have to wait such a long time before allowing me to see him? He was an idiot. But I understood. I understood everything, his decisions, his will to please me, his waiting, and everything about us. “Because we’re soulmates,” I said, leaning so that our foreheads might touch.
I was both amazed and bewildered. He caressed my cheek and I thought I was going to swoon. He was so gentle, so careful… Unlike Ryan. He touched my lips, just like I had touched his, and I gave in to his contact that was slowly healing all my sorrows and erasing my concerns and soothing my thoughts.
“Yes,” he whispered eventually. “And because our souls will acknowledge each other through our eyes.”
“Eyes are the window to the soul,” I said.
“So I’m told,” he smiled with his eyes still closed.
I
touched his smile, and then noticed that the concerned winkle that was on his forehead since he got here, had gone. I didn’t want him to worry, and especially about me. I’ll get better eventually. As long as he was here and as long as my pack was by my side, I’d be alright. Adélie’s footsteps echoed on the stairs: she was on her way down here. I wasn’t particularly inclined to see her, if you know what I mean: I hadn’t forgotten about the lies and the secrets. “Please, I want to get out of here,” I whispered, hugging him again.
He started moving, and thirty seconds later, I could feel the fresh morning air biting my body. Even if I did realize that, instead of using my own legs, staying in Johan’s arms with the said-legs around his waist was ridiculous, I didn’t move. I didn’t mind acting like a child nor people’s inquisitive looks. Nothing mattered, and I couldn’t see a thing anyway. I just felt Johan’s arms around me, his scent soothing me and the harsh wind on my skin. It was pleasant, peaceful. Thanks to the sound of the dancing branches and the nibbling of the rodents, I knew we were now in the woods. He scored: I loved the woods. The trees were far from the civilization, thus far from violence. There was nothing but tranquility, the silent noise of nature was mind-clearing, and solitude was, I thought, a way to get back to yourself. And besides, this is where we’d met last time, Johan and I.
He finally stopped and sat on the ground, my body in his arms still, and since he’d leaned over, we were all the more closer. “Is it okay for you if we stay here?”
“Yes.”
“Great. I need to talk to you.”
“Jeez, I feel like you’re about to give me some bad news,” I snarled.
“No,” his voice smiled, tensed. “I just need to know how you’re feeling. Really.”
Were we actually going to talk about it? There was nothing I wanted except cuddling in his arms forever, without ever talking or thinking. Unfortunately, life doesn’t work that way. And besides, I needed to talk about it, I couldn’t keep it all to myself. That was the first step towards acceptation: speaking, talking, telling him about it. It was hard, violent even, but I had to. “I don’t know,” I confessed. “I feel weak, soiled. And ashamed, for not having been able to defend myself. And I fear you might not want me anymore, that all my friends would now see me differently and pity me or something…. I don’t want to be different because of what happened, I’m still me, Maddie. I’m glad this is all over and that nothing worse happened. And your presence is a relief. But at the same time, I have this rage inside me, I want him to pay for what he’s done, I want him dead. But tell me how you are feeling.”
She-Wolf I Page 24