And so I held Milo, and he hugged me tighter. I don't know how long we stood there, in each other's arms. I could feel everyone’s sorrow as well as my own, and soon, there was this huge balloon of grief inside of me, and I feared it might soon explode. But then there was also love. This tremendous amount of love, all around me, powerful, who was slowly crushing the pain away. I was all wrapped up in it, it was comforting and reassuring. I gave into love, in order to wipe the loss away, or at least, to make it bearable.
Adélie and Esthelle took care of my grandma while Milo and Lola led me to the attic. I didn’t want to know what the witches were going to do with her body. All I wanted was to witness a beautiful funeral that would be a tribute to the wonderful woman that had been Andrea Carson. For now, I wasn’t able to focus on anything, let alone to organize such an event. I wasn’t able to do anything. Every ounce of strength had left me. I needed time.
Time did go by, while I remained in a daze, in Milo’s arms, or lying in my bed. Sometimes I’d doze off a little, and every time I woke up, every time reality resurfaced, my heart broke a little more. Sometimes, Lola would bring me a glass of water that I drank without even thinking about it, and she’d caress my face with a wet washcloth, but a second later, I was burning with fever and pain again. Milo kept on caressing my hair and whispering comforting words in my ear. When he was tired, Bridget took over, and tried to make me smile in this chaos, but it was pointless.
They were lovely. I realized it, even in this dreadful state of mind, and it was moving. It really helped. Though a part of me had vanished alongside my grandma, my friends were doing their best to keep me healthy of body and mind.
After a couple pseudo-naps, I decided to let myself go, and to fall asleep completely, in that place where nothing hurt and where I could forget that my grandma was lost. I dreamed of her a lot, I saw her smiles, her advice, her love, and it warmed my heart a little. I kept on telling her how much I loved her, and I kept on saying goodbye to make sure she knew how much her granddaughter loved her and would miss her. It was soothing, and I knew it. Sleep had this uncontrollable power to let off some steam, and it was a gift. It was offering me resignation, a shield against the pain, my grandmother’s face, and rest.
“Maddie…” Bridget’s voice woke me up. And I immediately remembered. The pain came rushing back. I had trouble breathing and my heart was shattered in a million pieces. Why would she wake me up? Didn’t she know that sleeping was my way out, my happy place right now?
My eyes were burning. I’d love it if I could just scratch them right out. Would it stop me from facing reality? I wish…
The vampire was staring at me, obviously worried. She did seem affected by my grandma’s death, but lucky her, Bridget wasn’t one to show her emotions. I was glad she wasn’t in the pack yet, because if she had been, she would have had to take on my sorrow and everyone else’s too. “I’ve got a surprise for you,” she whispered.
A surprise? Now wasn’t the time for a surprise! I couldn't care less about her surprise! She was freaking kidding me! It was a good thing for her that I was in mourning because otherwise I would have ripped her head off and played football with it. Milo wasn’t saying anything and just kept on stroking my hair and holding me tight, tirelessly.
When she figured that I wasn’t going to say anything, the vampire left the room. I thought she had given up, but she came back a minute later, and there was someone else with her. I didn’t understand what was going on right away. And at first, I didn’t recognize the person that was with her either. He wasn’t very tall, but awfully skinny, and his tumid face was truly scary. It was blue, green, black, and there was also dried blood here and there. His chestnut hair was long, it brushed against his shoulders, and was in a dire need of a trim. His blue eyes were filled with tears. He was shaking and his face distorted by pain.
Daniel. No. Daniel! His presence pulled me out of my torpor and got me to move. I forsook Milo’s arms and rushed towards him. As soon as I hugged him, he collapsed and fell on the ground. “Maddie… I’m so… so sorry… This is all… all my fault…” he sobbed at my feet.
I kneeled in front of him and took him in my arms. I’d never seen him in such a state, either of body or mind. He was so thin… I could feel his bones under my arms. It felt as if I might break him if I held him too strongly. And those tears… Daniel had always been strong; he had always been cool headed and stood up against his brother. He was nice and kind, raised our morale; and here he was, broken. After going up against innocent people and old ladies, William had now fought his own little brother. That monster’s cruelty was limitless.
I held him tight, there was nothing else I could do right now. At least it kept my mind busy and it gave me a new purpose. I had to be there for the others. It kept me from sinking into my own despair and comforting the others felt better than being comforted myself.
“Danny… What are you talking about? Please, try to calm down,” I whispered softly. There were knots in my stomach. What could be his fault? And where was Johan? I didn’t not need to hear about someone else’s death right now. I wanted to be surrounded by my alive and loving friends, in order to face my loss.
He clung on to me like a little boy who needed to be reassured and loved. He didn’t have a family anymore either. But it was better to be out of a family than to have William for a brother. “Andrea… Your grandma… Bridget…. She told me… This is all my fault… I should have… I should have protected her…. She would still… be here.... If I had… Maddie… Please forgive me….”
I shook my head. I couldn’t believe it. How could he think such a thing? He was fifteen for heaven’s sake! He was a teenage boy! That kind of stuff wasn’t supposed to weigh on his shoulders. He should be focusing on school and matters of the heart. He should be spending time with his friends, playing video games, being moody and grumpy and eating like a madman instead of being mixed-up in wars and deaths. How could he blame himself for that? He’d done everything he could, I was sure of it. He’d save everyone. I took his face in my hands and made him raise his head. I saw through the tears in his eyes the pain and the torment his soul was in.
“Stop it,” I said firmly. “None of this is your fault. You did everything you could. No one is blaming you, on the contrary. Do you realize that you saved Lola? And Clemencia and Colin as well? You helped them escape and without your help they never would have made it here. You sacrificed yourself for them. You helped Johan rescue my grandma and thanks to you and him and Bridget, I got to see her one last time when I thought I never could. I got the chance to say goodbye. I am extremely grateful for everything you did. You’re so young, but you’re an adult already, you’re strong, humble, brave and you have the biggest of hearts, unlike your brother. Do you hear me?”
He nodded, moved, to say that he did. Yet I could still feel guilt coming out of him, sadness too, and a lot of anger. I held him again, reassured that he’d stopped crying. I was useful after all: I could ease some of his pain, even though it was nothing compared to what he’d done for me and the others.
“And I’m very glad that you’re here,” I said again. “I’m proud of you, and Andrea would have been so too. But now, I want you to clean yourself up a bit, and get something to eat. You need rest, my little hero. Are you gonna be okay?”
“Yes,” he answered firmly, bouncing back.
“Great. If you need me, do not hesitate. I’m always close by anyway.”
“You should eat something too,” he pointed out — apparently, he wouldn’t leave the room without me. The mere thought of eating something made me nauseous. But it would have been hypocritical of me to tell him to eat something when I refused to do so. Danny needed me. They all did. I need to set an example.
Yes, I was unhappy. Yes, I’d never been in such pain, and my burned, shattered, destroyed heart mourned my grandmother. But I simply couldn’t let myself go and give up on my pack. She wouldn’t have wanted me to. I already missed her so much… A
nd so, in an attempt to make the others smile, I asked Danny, Lola, Esthelle, Milo and Bridget to shower with me in the huge bathroom on the first floor. The more the merrier.
We all grabbed our swimsuits, lent one to those who didn’t have one, and ten minutes later, here we all were in the huge walk-in shower, splashing and soaping each other. Most of us were faking it, but at least it took our minds off of things a little. There was nothing else to do anyway. I needed to take a hold of myself, otherwise — I knew me — I’d just let myself go and go downhill never to climb back up. Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t going to snap and instantly forget about my grandma. But I was gonna try to be strong. Stop crying, plan my revenge, support and care for my pack, try to live in spite of that event. I didn’t want to. But I owed it to her. After everything she’d done for me, it would have been a shame to waste all her efforts and hopes away by sinking into eternal depression.
And so I showered with the others, half-listening to Esthelle’s jokes. Even though I could sense some grief, she was doing her best to make us smile, and to cheer us up. It wasn’t working with me, and Daniel still had that tormented look on his face, but at least it prevented us from being in the doldrums. Lola seemed a bit intimidated to be almost naked next to her soulmate, and she didn’t talk much.
Milo was standing at a respectable distance from me, but I could feel his gaze on me, and it felt uncomfortable — not because he was insistent but because of the whole attack thing. Bridget was splashing us with water and threw soap on us — some of it even got into my mouth. She was bickering with Milo, and if I didn’t know them both, I could have thought they hated each other. But they were both teasers and so it caused a few sparks to fly.
In spite of the current situation, I enjoyed seeing my friends smiling a little. It warmed my heart and gave me hope: life wasn’t all black. There was some white here and there, and you just had to open your eyes wide enough to see it, welcome it in, and share it with your loved ones to make it all bearable. It was hopeful, and maybe grief would eventually fade away, and I would only keep the happy memories I had shared with my grandma, the laughs, the smiles, life itself.
Once this collective shower was over and Danny was clothed with stuff Milo had lent him that was thrice too big, we went to the kitchen to eat. Adélie had ordered some pizzas. The smell was delicious, but I seemed to have lost my appetite. I looked into the living-room, and I was shocked to realize that everything was back to normal, and that my grandma wasn’t here anymore. Of course. The witches had taken care of it. But it was weird to realize that her body wasn’t even here. It was clear now: she was gone for good. I was slowly starting to process it.
I let the others go ahead and took Bridget’s arm, so she’d stay behind with me. I needed answers but I didn’t want to bother Danny. Now that he had calmed down, it wasn’t the time to question him, and I’d rather let him eat peacefully with the rest of the pack and the witches without interfering. It would allow him to relax more and feel safe.
The vampire had brought Danny back to me, and she was the one who had the answers. She stared at me with her big blue eyes. Looking at her outfit, I knew she had made some progress, even though she didn’t look happy. She was wearing a mere white T-Shirt and a cheap pair of jeans that I’d lent her. She wasn’t complaining, and I was glad to see other sides of her. She was the closest thing I had to a best friend, even though our friendship was based on races in the forest and superficial discussions. Never had we found ourselves in a situation like the one we were in, which required strong friendship to be overcome. I was glad to see we were holding up.
“Where did you find him?” I whispered so that the others wouldn’t hear.
“At the edge of the woods.”
“Was he… alone? Or was Johan there?”
“No. Yes.”
I frowned; I wasn’t expecting this answer. I thought she’d say that Johan was dead and buried, or that she hadn’t seen him…. Anything but that. “Where is he then?” I pressed, both worried and eager.
“After I told him about Andrea, he… He said it was best if he didn’t come.”
“What?! I’m gonna kill him.”
“Do you see how bad the kid felt?” she asked. “Johan feels like a zillion times worse. He said, I quote — and without exaggerating or twisting his words, that’s not like me — Despair! Let Death come and take me if I’m not the man she needs! Let lightning strike my woeful self since I killed the last member of her family because of my misjudgement! You miserable life! She’ll be a thousand times happier without me, terrible executioner! That was basically it.”
I looked askance at her, torn between the desire to strangle her to death, and the weird yet irrepressible envy to laugh. My nerves were fragile. I had to say that her dramatic and fake imitation was so out-there that it was funny.
Nonetheless, if the way she said it was funny, what she’d actually said wasn’t. I had no idea Johan could be so drastic. Why did he think that? Men and their egos! Men and their pride! He had done everything he could, and even more. Did he actually think I could be angry with him for all of this? That I would hold him responsible for my grandmother’s death? No way. I was so grateful to him! And I needed him, now, by my side. I didn’t need him to think stupid things or run away, eaten by a guilt that shouldn’t even exist. He had to stop this bullshit. Couldn’t he see that he was acting stupid? I guess not, otherwise he wouldn’t. I’d just lost someone terribly dear to me, and I didn’t wanna lose him too. Good grief! I couldn’t possibly be happy without him, and if he thought that I could, he was dumber than I expected. I would have to take care of it, and fast.
But for now, I was unable to. I’d already taken care of Daniel, which had drained all of my energy, determination, and courage. I didn’t have the strength to do it again, and to get Johan to come to his senses would take a lot more effort than the Danny-situation. I was broken, my heart ached, I wanted to puke. I was sad, tired — hopeless, one might say. I couldn’t look for Johan now, and give everything to make him listen to reason.
So I just went into the kitchen and sat with the others. No one was hungry, and no one wanted to talk. Bridget did though and started to ask questions to get to know the others, since she didn’t know anyone beside me. Danny did so too and talked to Milo and the witches. He got some colors, and it seemed to do him good to talk and to think about something other than his inner demons. I could sense he was tired, tense and sad, but he was eating. It was comforting for me to see. His leanness was frightening and gave no doubt as to what kind of mistreatments he’d undergone.
Isolation. Starvation. Violence.
He shouldn’t even know what those things meant at his age. It was revolting. I promised myself I’d do my best to bring him a better life, to make sure he always had something to eat, to make sure he was free as a bird and he received as much kindness as possible so that he might blossom and turn into the best version of himself. He didn’t deserve the childhood he’d had. No one did, I didn’t either. But that was life. Murphy’s law.
But our future was up to us. We were the ones who would choose what to make of our lives, and mine was going to be a good one. For me, and my pack. I wasn’t the only one to have some issues, and to have suffered from violence. We were all in the same boat. And that made us strong. We would do better, in the future. We’ll become better people thanks to the terrible examples we’d had.
I grabbed a slice of pizza and ate it without much enthusiasm. It felt like lead in my stomach, but at least no one would reproach me for not eating.
Bit by bit, everyone started talking with a teeny-tiny bit of enthusiasm. It felt good. I was glad to see that witches, vampires, werewolves and shapeshifters could get along marvelously. You had to make it happen, and to believe that it was possible. Maybe over time, I could get other species to join my pack and we could become the first inter-species coalition. It was a good plan. The one I’d always dreamed of. And it was slowly coming true, astoundingly. Nev
er lose hope.
That was what I was thinking when three hours later, we decided to sleep together. Not like that! Just sleep. I was laying amongst the others. For that occasion — well, if you could call death an occasion — we’d dragged mattresses and blankets downstairs and we were all in this one giant bed in the living-room. Daniel had fallen asleep the second his head had hit the pillow. At least sadness would go away while he was dreaming.
Colin was sucking his thumb, and since he was in between me and his mother, I could caress his hair, hoping he’d sleep fast enough not to wake Clemencia up. Esthelle and Lola were whispering at the end of the giant bed, snuggled up between the pillows. Milo was holding my hand reassuringly. Adélie was reading with the help of her phone, so that we didn’t have to turn on the light. Bridget was shopping online — of course she was.
And for the first time since my grandma had died, I felt better. There, surrounded by all my friends and their different selves, doing their thing, I felt somewhat serene. Protected. Loved. Not alone. I finally had people who were there for me, who were ready to make my life better, who could bring me love. It was dizzying. Johan was the only one missing. I’d soon get him back on his feet. Hope was thriving inside me. In spite of all the hardships life had thrown at me, I had, and always will get back on track. Through hope. And that was all that mattered.
Chapter 26
When I woke up with the sun that morning, reality hit me with full force. It’s true what they say, truth hurts. My grandmother was dead, and she’d been so for three days. The pain, which had left me alone while I’d been asleep, came rushing back. I hadn’t realized that so many hours had passed by, but now that I was up, I did. The last couple days had been like time-out. And then Danny had showed up and I had to leave my torpor to face reality. And here I was now, lying down between Milo and Colin who were still sleeping, and I was slowly becoming aware of this time passing by and her departure, both irreversible. Tears were threatening my eyes, but I held them back.
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