“Esthelle, that’s enough,” Adélie stepped in, bringing the leftover slices of pizza from the previous night. “Come on, help yourselves.”
Esthelle sulked the whole meal through. I didn’t want to be mean, but that was a good thing. At least she wouldn’t say stupid things. Johan ate as if he hadn’t eaten in weeks, chatting with Adélie, telling everyone what he’d been doing, where he went. For once, I listened carefully, very interested to hear what he had to say. I didn’t eat anything, my stomach was all over the place, and aside from the stress, I wasn’t fond of cold, leftover pizza. Milo didn’t eat either. He’d crossed his arms and was staring at me with anger. I didn’t understand his reaction. I’d been straight with him. Why wouldn’t he let go? Why was he mad at me? I had been honest from the start, hadn’t I?
My life was meaningless. Without warning, I asked a question. It was completely unrelated, but I asked it anyway. “Adélie, when’s the funeral?”
Silence took over, floating all around us, surfing on the sadness that had resurfaced. I had a gift for tackling thorny issues. But I had to know. I needed to bury my grandmother, so that my pain would be buried alongside her. I knew it wasn’t that easy, we’d be aware of it, but I wouldn’t be able to move on otherwise. Literally and metaphorically. I wanted all of that pain to go away.
Adélie wiped her lips with a napkin, and her face turned white. “Well… I thought that we could do it tonight… I had different things planned, depending on what you’d like best…” She was hesitating and choosing her words wisely. She was being careful not to twist the knife in the wound, and I appreciated it. I encouraged her to go on, I wasn’t feeling patient today — nor any other day for that matter. “Either… we bury her in the woods, which is a place a wolf loves… Or, I did some digging, and… it was tradition to place the body onto the water, and say goodbye burning their corpse… I thought that maybe you’d…”
“That sounds great,” I answered before getting up and leaving the table.
There was no way I could stand this mockery any longer. People, pretending to be happy, chitchatting, having some pizza… I wasn’t blaming anyone, but I wasn’t in the mood to pretend. Maybe after tonight, after the funeral, I’d be able to get rid of that burden weighing on my shoulders and get back to the person I used to be. The fun, happy Maddie. For now, grief was preventing me from being the woman I once was. I had to get it together, of course, and I would. Starting tomorrow. I would stop carrying her death in my heart and I’d enjoy life and the world of the living while allowing my grandmother’s memory to live on through memories. But I still needed a little bit more time. One last day to mourn her.
Vexed, sullen, I took my makeup off, which was a good thing because it had all been ruined and I looked like a scary and morose clown. I took off my blue dress as well and put on a T-Shirt of Johan’s and some sweatpants instead. I wanted to sleep. I crawled into the bed I used to sleep in. I liked to stay in Johan’s chambers, but right now, I didn’t have enough strength to go there. My cozy bed in the attic will do just fine for tonight.
Only two seconds after I’d closed my eyes, I sensed Johan’s presence in the room. My she-wolf longed for his touch and I… well, I didn’t know. I wanted to be with him, but on the other hand… I was scared. I didn’t understand our current love-situation, and I feared I wouldn’t be myself if I gave into this indescribable passion uniting the two of us.
On the other hand… What did it mean, to be one’s self? For example, if the Maddie that lived under William’s rule was myself, then obviously I wasn’t myself anymore, because now I could speak my mind, live the way I wanted to, and allow myself to discover who Madelyne Carson truly was. These last couple days, I’d been the ghost of my former self, haunted by the pain of my grandma’s death. And with Johan… I was the one I always wanted to be. Maybe deep down, I had to go through all of that to be my best self. I was clearly overthinking this. I was worrying too much. No more. Why couldn’t I just let things happen without tormenting or restraining my desires?
“May I?” my soulmate whispered before going into the bed by my side.
“You may.”
He embraced me and held me tight against his chest, gently. My she-wolf growled with satisfaction, and I sighed with pleasure in turn. Sharing a bed with Johan… I’d long dreamed of this moment. He was a genie, granting all my wishes.
I gave in to his embrace, and I felt much better. Maybe I just wanted attention and kindness. I started caressing his hands and his forearms, which were the only parts of him I had access to. He seemed to enjoy it. I didn’t care where, as long as I could just touch him, I was pleased. He kissed my neck, and I wondered how on earth would I be able to sleep if he kept on doing such pleasant things.
“That went… alright,” he said, stuffing his nose in my neck to breathe in my scent.
“You could say that,” I answered bluntly.
“You pushed my hand away earlier,” he said, jumping from pillar to post. “Was it because of Milo or because you don’t want me anymore?”
I liked straightforward people, those who didn’t beat about the bush. Johan was one of those. We didn’t get off on the best start — I smiled thinking about his riddles and his “be patient” crap — but now, he was honest and clear. Maybe too honest. My little drama queen had to chill. “Neither,” I said reassuringly. “I’m just a bit confused as to everything that’s been happening to me. Ryan, my grandma, the pack, the soulmate thing… I’m sorry.”
“You have nothing to be sorry about. I should be the one apologizing, I panicked.”
“You panicked?” I repeated smiling. He answered with an amused growl and started caressing my hands as well. How crazy was that? Apparently, we were unable to not touch each other for more than ten seconds. That was hopeless. We cuddled for a long time, until I broke the silence. “Johan?”
“Mad’?”
“Could you please try to be civil to Milo?”
“To who? Milo who?”
I hit his hand and sensed his smile against my neck. “It’s important to me that everyone gets along,” I insisted.
“Look Mad’, the two of us will never become best friends,” he sighed, grazing my hip. “I’m doing my best already. I didn’t fire the first shot, and besides, how could I even be civil to him? Have you seen the way he looks at you? It makes me wanna scratch his eyes right out and force him to eat them. And don’t you dare say I don’t know what I’m talking about, I saw the way you reacted when I hugged Esthelle.”
Touché. What was I supposed to answer? If Johan felt the same thing seeing Milo and I together as I felt when I saw him and Esthelle, then I totally understood his desire to kill him. And there was nothing we could do about it; it was hard for us to control ourselves. I mean, I almost killed my dear Esthelle for a harmless, brotherly hug. Milo was always gazing lovingly at me, and it sticks out a mile that he cares about me. I could understand Johan’s feelings. So in a way, he was already trying. “Okay, I’ll talk to him” I grumbled. “Just… don’t be too mean.”
“I’m not mean. And I don’t want you to talk to him,” he whined.
Even if my eyes were closed, I rolled them. Bad habit. “I’m sorry, but I will anyway,” I said, taking his hand.
“Okay then Ma’am,” he teased, kissing my neck again.
I smiled again. That he should call me Ma’am, as if I were in charge, even as a joke, it felt good. Yet I'd have to be careful. My she-wolf was already begging me to assert myself as dominant. I mean, I was weary of those matters of control, power, hierarchy… I didn’t want to be above or under Johan — power wise. I wanted to be his equal. A partner, ruling by his side, being neither dominated nor domineering. Basically, we needed to take that dominant-submissive part out of the equation. I was done with toxic relationships, either in my love life or in my work life. I hoped Johan felt the same way. For now, it seemed to be the case.
Since I craved more of him, I turned around and faced him, with my ey
es still closed. He caressed my cheek and the tip of my nose, before grazing my lips with his index finger. He made me feel loved. And it felt good. I nestled against him, and my hands explored his face. I caressed his jawline, his designer stubble, and his lips, the way he’d done it seconds ago. I grazed his closed eyes and ended up in his torso. I desperately wanted to take his T-Shirt off of him, but now was not the time.
“DANIEL!” Lola’s voice yelled from the garden.
I startled and straightened up, and so did Johan. I pushed the blankets and the man away and ran to the skylight to see what was happening. I knew that no one was in danger, thanks to the pack-link, but I couldn’t help but worry. Downstairs, in the grass, Lola was soaking wet and I sensed she was furious. I could also hear it since she was cursing Daniel rather bluntly — he was laughing, not in the least concerned.
“What the hell is going on?” I shouted.
“Daniel is hitting on Esthelle!” the redheaded girl screamed.
“I am no!” he replied. “I merely splashed her a little, and I said that I liked her hair and that she was beautiful, but I didn’t…” Lola blared, frantic, and jumped on Daniel without letting him finish his sentence.
I sighed and considered for a second closing the window and letting them fight each other to death, but it wouldn’t have been very alpha-like. I looked at them for a minute, weighing up the pros and cons. Johan had put his head on my shoulder and his hands around my waist so that he might look too. He didn’t say a word, but I felt he was amused. He could have helped me instead of laughing inside. No, I was supposed to handle it on my own.
At first, Daniel was only trying to avoid Lola’s blows, and it was hard because she was really attacking frenziedly. Honestly, I understood how she felt. If Bridget had said that Johan was handsome, even though it was true, I would have gone bananas. I mean I wouldn’t have, but I couldn’t expect the same thing of Lola, who was but sixteen and still had some control-issues. Just like Daniel. Now, he was pissed off, and they were now fighting each other seriously, dangerously. They had equal fighting skills. Lola was an amazing tracker, and she was undeniably fast. But Daniel was already freakishly strong, and he had more experience. They were equally smart, and they were more or less on the same page. And that could be dangerous. I had to step in.
I writhed to exit the side of the dormer. Johan stepped back, and I knocked my head on the windowsill. After a shrieking “ouch”, I straightened up, and Johan was trying to look at my injury. I stepped back looking up, and stepped forward looking down on my forehead, and then the worst thing happened: we looked into each other’s eyes. And our souls met for the first time.
Grey. Deep, shimmering. Dark and light at the same time. Grey as a cloud during a storm. With little lightning bolts, snowflakes, traveling around his pupils. They were hypnotizing, I was shaken, as if struck down by lightning itself. A breathtakingly beautiful grey. I was paralyzed.
A sudden wave of heat, and coldness, fire and ice sunk me down. I was overwhelmed by a myriad of clouds and rain, and I suddenly couldn’t breathe, couldn’t think, couldn’t swim, I was adrift in this ocean of greyness. I held on to him. He held on to me. The world was spinning, but only around us. Around him. It was as if he was now my gravity. He was at the center of my universe; he was my one reason to be alive.
My brain stopped functioning; oxygen wasn’t flowing there anymore. My heart was flying away to those rainy clouds.
I collapsed. And Johan fell with me. He couldn’t let go of me; I couldn’t let go of him.
It was as if we were but one person. I could hear our hearts beating in unison. There was no going back. Our souls had just met and couldn’t let go of each other. It felt so schmaltzy, but it was true. We were now bound together, forever.
I couldn’t fight this tide of emotions that was trying to drag me down. I stopped fighting the evidence and drifted according to our little mind-dance.
My eyes and Johan’s closed at the same time, and I fainted in his arms, enthralled.
Chapter 28
“This is all your fault!”
“No, it’s yours!”
Growls.
“Shut up! You gave her a heart attack!”
“Don’t tell me to shut up, Daniel! You’re a moron. As if she could have a heart attack!”
Growls.
“Don’t call me a moron, Lola!”
I woke up thanks to the sweet sound of this lovely argument. How lucky was I? Not only was I lucky, I was also woozy. I guessed Johan had to be feeling the same way. I straightened up and assumed that he’d fainted too. What a bunch of weak alphas.
Everyone had joined us in the attic, which’d never been so full. Adélie was smiling from ear to ear. Esthelle’s arms were crossed, and she was staring curmudgeonly at Lola fighting with Daniel. Bridget was showing her fangs to Colin, impressed, while Clemencia was shaking her head, defiant. Milo was still sullen. What a great vision to wake up to. I longed for it to be so every single day.
“Don’t you dare give me orders!”
“You fired the first shot!”
“No I didn’t, I…”
“Shut up!” I yelled, fully awake.
The teenagers shut up immediately, furious, but compelled to obey. It was the first time I used the authority my position gave me, and I was amazed to see how great it worked. I was also surprised to see that it also worked on Daniel. You’d think that even if he wasn’t part of the pack yet, he had no choice but to submit to my alpha-ness.
They were staring at the ground, their head lowered to show they did submit, and they weren’t trying to fight it. Either because they didn’t want to or because they simply couldn’t. Either way, my power was established, and I had to say that it was quite exhilarating. I would have to be careful not to take too much advantage of it. I ought not to turn into William. Because if Daniel had managed to sometimes fight William’s orders, I doubted he could do the same with me.
I did my best to calm down and not to insist. Johan had just stood up, and he helped me to do so as well. He was just as shaken as I was. I looked into his eyes again, and everything around me suddenly vanished. I drowned into his mind, into his soul. Something had changed. I could sense his emotions and even thoughts with a concerning clarity. It was just insane.
“I’m very much surprised too…” Our eyes widened at the same time. What the hell was that? “I don’t know…” Johan’s voice said again in my head.
I gave him an inquisitive look, and he shrugged, apparently as dumbfounded as I was. It seemed we could talk to each other silently. With our minds. It was very weird in the sense that it wasn’t an actual conversation, but more like pieces and fractions of thoughts I could catch in mid-air, and vice-versa. My stream of consciousness seemed to be flowing, and Johan could somehow grab smatterings of it, and answer with a feeling or a question.
This was both the strangest and most wonderful thing I ever felt. I could feel him next to me, I heard some of his thoughts and ideas, I could even see some memories. It was very complex and the sudden quantity of information I received was threatening to crush me. Maybe it was like the pack-bond and I could just decide not to feel it anymore if I wanted to?
“You’re probably right…” Johan said.
Someone in the room hawked to get my attention, and I suddenly rushed back to planet Earth. The link faded and I got back to my own thoughts while Johan’s sort of faded away. It wasn’t hard, it was like the pack-bond. He was here if I needed him, I always felt his presence deep inside, but it was not overwhelming. I could not use this option if I wanted to, which was a good thing.
It all went down better than I expected. Of course, I’d rather it did not go down this soon, but that was the way things went. I understood why Esthelle had fainted. Our meeting had been so… strong, so… upsetting. I shivered just thinking about it.
Come on Maddie, get it together, you’re being mean. I told myself, which made Johan smile. That dummy was still listening to my
state of mind!
“Of course I wouldn’t miss it for the world,” he whispered in my head.
I deemed it best not to rebuff him and went back to the teenage wolves that kept on looking at the ground and seemed to start getting fed up. Chill guys, I’m not going to force you to be quet the whole day though. You know what, on second thoughts….
“It’s okay, you can speak now,” I sighed as my order faded away. “What is the matter with you two? You used to get along just fine!”
“We still do,” Lola said, less tense. “But I just didn’t like what he said to Esthelle, I mean it drove me mad. It’s hard for me to contain my anger when she’s concerned.”
“That’s true, but that’s no excuse! You ought to be more considerate, Lola. You can’t just punch or bite whoever talks to Esthelle. I understand how you feel, and I have to do the same as well,” I added to show that we were in this together. She nodded, and I looked at Daniel, who seemed to be still pissed. “What’s your excuse then?”
“She attacked me. I couldn’t help it Maddie, it was instinctive,” he said a bit harshly.
“I get it, but that’s no excuse either. All of us have instincts we need to control, and I know those teenage years are tough, but I need you to be more careful. This kind of incident could be dangerous, on so many levels, so can you at least try?”
He nodded as well and seemed more relaxed. “Yes, I’m sorry. I don’t want to disappoint you again,” he apologized.
I frowned when I understood what he meant. Danny thought that he’d let me down about what happened to my grandma, and if he reacted angrily, it was because he was still furious and remorseful. Which was stupid. I would have to welcome him into the pack quickly so he could see how much I loved him and more importantly, that I wasn’t holding him accountable for what had happened. That was the only way he’d see that no one was disappointed in him and that he could move on.
She-Wolf I Page 36