“I’m not the one you should apologize to,” I said pointing at Lola.
They looked daggers at each other, one trying to take the advantage on the other. They shouldn’t be reacting this way. It was only when moving forward, without being concerned about those questions of hierarchy that they might get along smoother.
Lola ended up swallowing her pride first. “I’m sorry I overreacted when you said those things to Esthelle, and I’m sorry I attacked you.”
“I’m sorry I said some tactless things to Esthelle, and I’m sorry I attacked you,” Danny answered.
“Okay, then I’m also sorry I called you a moron.”
“And I’m sorry I commanded you.”
They smiled. Jeez, I thought it was going to be World War Three here. I felt so happy they’d made up thanks to me. It was as if I’d finally successfully completed my first mission as an alpha.
“Come on then, hug me you dummies,” I said, opening my arms.
They held me tight, and each other at the same time, which proved that they were done pettifogging for the day. I squished their little bodies and tousled their hair, which made them growl. They eventually managed to escape my grip, and Johan took this opportunity to put his arm around my waist.
Well then. Since our eyes and souls had met… and there we were, bound together for good… It was pointless to hide the truth. And so I pressed my body against Johan’s — not in a sexual way though — and took a deep breath. “Since we’re on the subject of news, I might as well tell you…” I started saying anxiously. “Johan and I are soulmates.”
Hiccoughs of surprise, joy and disgust echoed around the room. Bridget was wincing, but I knew it was only because she wasn’t fond of the whole soulmate thing. Deep down, she was happy for me, I could see it in her sparkling eyes. Clemencia was only surprised, just like Daniel. Esthelle and Lola had just started a little joy dance, under Adélie’s hysterical clapping. Milo looked at me, and he looked hurt, obviously because he blamed me for not telling him in the first place, and just left the attic without saying anything. He even severed the link with the pack and closed himself from us so that we might not see what was going on in his mind. I was kind of worried, but he needed some time to process it, and I would give him some.
“It’s alright, Mad’,” Johan said reassuringly somewhere in my mind. “You did great with Lola and Daniel. I’m proud of you, my beautiful alpha.”
My heart was filled with happiness on hearing his words. It felt weird to feel like someone had my back and cared for me this much. It was something no one had ever shown me, aside from my grandma, and there was nothing more invigorating. And what was funny was that him being proud of me made me proud of myself as well, and proud of him too. I tiptoed up and kissed him near his lips as a thank you.
“OMG you guys are so cuute,” Esthelle said enthusiastically.
“Oh come on, don’t start too!” I sighed, bored by the witches overwhelming joy.
First Adélie, now her sister… Too much. The brunette and her purple strands winked and grabbed Lola’s hand before leaving the attic. The others left as well since Adélie had asked for help to set everything up for the funeral. I was a bit sad not to take part in it, but I wouldn’t stand it. And I trusted Adélie to make sure everything would be fine.
I looked up and saw Johan’s grey eyes staring at me. He was sharing my grief, but he was mostly happy I’d just told everyone about our relationship. I had to say I felt relieved too. I wasn’t good at keeping secrets, and it was now a weight off. I wasn’t planning on throwing myself into his arms just yet (even though I really wanted to). I wanted things to happen the way they were supposed to happen, without thinking about that bond tying us together and sort of forcing us to love each other. I didn’t want to be forced to love Johan. I wanted to fall in love with him normally, freely. I was already very fond of him, but I guess we could use some time, and I hoped he would respect my decision.
“Of course I will,” he answered.
I smiled and stopped myself from jumping on him and kissing his lips. He sensed that repressed desire, and smiled with mischief, but he didn’t say anything. Wise. However, his hands grabbed my waist and he pulled me close against him. His fingers crawled under my t-shirt and grazed my loins. It was the first time he touched me there, I mean, skin to skin. He was barely touching me, as if he was waiting for my approval, and I appreciated that. Yet I was quivering, dizzied by his delicate touch that made me crave more. My head was spinning. I took his hands and put them back on my waist, above the clothes. He didn’t say anything there either.
“I need to talk to Milo,” I whispered, leaning my head on the top of his muscled torso.
He held me tight and answered with an angry growl. In order to annoy him like he annoyed me a second ago, I let my fingers roam his abs under his shirt. He sighed with pleasure, and I felt his desire hitting me with full force. He wasn’t the only one capable of leading the other on. But it was a rather stupid thing to do because doing that, I just wanted to rip his clothes off and jump on him. So in a way, I was just annoying myself. Well done Maddie!
“Mad’...” he said almost threateningly— his hands were tightly gripped around my waist. “You should stop doing that…”
“It’s too hard…” I complained, touching his body all over.
“Yeah well that’s not going to be the only thing that’s hard if you keep doing that.” Surprised by his words, I burst into laughter, and I stopped joking around. He could be funny if he wanted too. But either way, laughing did me some good. I could use a break from all the crying. “I just love your smile…” he admitted touching my lips.
“I’m glad to hear that, but I still have to talk to Milo,” I said.
I loved to receive some compliments, but it also made me feel a little uncomfortable. Men often complimented me, but only because they wanted to sleep with me, or because they just wanted to make a sleazy, perverse innuendo. Johan… well he just spoke his mind, honestly, without anything being nudge-nudge, and it felt good. I wasn’t used to hearing it, but it also made me happy. Johan wasn’t happy to hear that I was going to see a man he hated, I could tell by his furrowed brow. But life didn’t always give you what you wanted.
“Thanks,” I said, kissing his cheek softly. “Yours ain’t too bad either.”
He held me tight some more, but he let go eventually. It was painful for him to do so and not to say anything about the Milo-situation, but it was not his situation to handle, and he knew that. Milo was my friend, and if Johan didn’t like it, well that was his problem.
“I know!” he said in my head. “Same for you, when you’ll meet my super-hot friends, you wouldn’t have any other choice but to accept it…”
My she-wolf growled angrily, and I was on the verge of going back up there to show him what I was made of, and also to prove him that I was his only “super-hot friend.” Yet I bit the bullet, took a deep breath to calm down, and decided not to pay attention to what he was saying anymore. And Bob’s your uncle! Off he went, in the back of my head, no more Johan. He had it coming though.
After searching the house, I found Milo outside in the backyard. He was sitting against a tree and seemed captivated by his phone. Oh, a phone! I should definitely buy one. I sensed Johan approved that thought. I didn’t know why I hadn’t thought about it sooner. Yet I had had all the time in the world to settle down and to start my new life and blah blah, but I guess I never thought about that. Maybe because it wasn’t a vital necessity. After all, I could talk to all my pack members thanks to our bond, and I was almost constantly with the witches. But I guess you never know what could happen, so it could be useful to have something to communicate with, just in case. Anyway, I could think about that later, it wasn’t my priority right now.
“Can I keep you company?” I asked cheerfully when I reached him.
“I don’t think you should,” he retorted. “I wouldn’t want you to miss your precious soulmate, so maybe you sh
ould keep him company instead.”
I didn’t care for his tone. He’d never spoken to me this way. As if I were nothing, as if I were some bug bothering him. True, we’d never actually been on bad terms before, so there was that, but I actually wanted to smash his head against that tree. Violence was my answer to everything it would seem. I didn’t want to be a pushover again — the past in the past. “Look, Milo, I don’t understand. I’ve always been honest with you, why are you behaving like this?”
“I don’t know. I guess I was still hoping,” he said tapping away at his phone. His lack of attention was annoying, so I took his phone and threw it on the grass. Thankfully enough, it didn’t break. Yet. Milo looked daggers at me. He was more than pissed off, he was actually furious.
“You know how much you mean to me,” I went on. “You’re my friend and I care about you. I guess I could say I love you, but not that way. Why can’t you accept that? Why are you so angry with me? You think I asked to have a soulmate? I didn’t actually jump for joy when I found out. I really like Johan, but this is terrifying.”
“Really?” the concerned party said in my head. Oh come on! He was a real nasty snooper, wasn’t he? Unbelievable.
I ignored him and closed the door to my mind, because I wanted to be focused on my friend, Milo. Johan had had his moment with me. One at a time guys, please! They had to accept that. But I had nothing to hide, and I knew that Johan could easily hear our conversation anyway, I just didn’t want him to be a part of it.
The shapeshifter’s anger faded a little when he heard my questions. Milo wasn’t a bad man, he knew how to take things into consideration, and he was thoughtful and just. He wouldn’t be mad at me forever, not if he didn’t have the right arguments. “I don’t know, Maddie,” he sighed. “I’ve known you for a while and I just can’t erase my feelings. I can accept your friendship, because I don’t want to lose you and it’s better than not being close to you at all, but that’s hard. And I know things must be tough for you too right now, and I’m sorry. I’m trying to get it together.”
“That’s all I’m asking of you,” I smiled. “I don’t want to lose you either, like I said, I care about you. So please don’t make the mistake of drowning into anger because it would ruin what we have. And I know you’ll find someone right for you, better than me; and that person would be lucky to have a man like you for a partner.”
“I’ll do my best,” he promised. “I just need a little time to process it all.”
“It’s okay,” I said. “And if I may, don’t blame Johan for all of this. He didn’t do anything.”
“Maybe. But he has you, and I don’t. That’s good enough of a reason to blame him.”
I rolled my eyes at him. That was just stupid. But after all, why not? If that was the way he wanted to process things… A shame about Johan though. Aside from that little jealousy hoopla, they could have been friends. But I couldn’t have it all. Men can be stupid. Women too, but I was one, so I was biased.
I chose not to insist, and hugged Milo. He hesitated for a second before hugging me back. I could sense Johan’s irritation, but I ignored it. “I don’t want things to be awkward between us,” I told my friend. “I want to be able to hug you or just touch you without being worried about how you might interpret it. I just want us to be friends. Close friends, but nothing more.”
“You don’t have to worry; I don’t think things could be clearer. And besides, it’s not as if I could compete with your soulmate, aka the person you’re meant to be with. I’m powerless.”
“Maybe if you found a four-leaf clover…” I teased cuddling in his arms.
There, a smile! His face brightened and I knew he wasn’t mad anymore. But about his anger towards Johan, there was a long way to go. One thing at a time. At least I was able to take some of his anger and grief away. Yeah me, let’s dance! Oops, no wait, not in his arms, it would be weird.
“That was not a really funny joke,” he said, kissing my cheek, and Johan’s annoyance grew.
“Well, nobody’s perfect.”
We smiled with complicity, and we stayed this way for a couple seconds. I didn’t know what the future was made of, I didn’t know if we’d remain friends. But either way, I would have been glad to have had him in my life.
Sensing my concerns, he tousled my hair. “No need to be so melodramatic,” he mocked. “I’m not gonna go away, you’d miss me!”
“I would miss you. Who would write me poems?”
“I know you love those. Here’s an exclusive one. Maddie is a flashlight in the night. The dream that’s worth swimming against the stream. An eclipse sweeter than lime, a clepsydra sliding through time. A sun that’s rainy, a moon that’s shiny. It’s Maddie.
“Amazing. Now’s my turn. Milo’s a maggot. A herald shinier than an emerald that can’t be rivalled. His words may be crows or pillows, but who knows? He’s a real sweetheart and it’s a start.
He winced and pretended to puke while I laughed. I didn’t have his talent, obviously. But with a little bit of imagination, everyone could make rimes. It could be hard sometimes, but in the end, words can transcend. Okay, I’ll stop, I’ll just annoy myself if I don’t.
“That was, hum… interesting,” Milo said. “But you should limit yourself to photography. You’re much more talented in that area.” He winked and kissed my cheek before standing up. He picked up his phone and dashed off.
Photography… I hadn’t touched a camera in years, and I wouldn’t touch one tomorrow. It was a real passion of mine, just like drawing, but I had to give it all up because of William and Ryan. Sometimes, I missed drawing or painting or taking pictures, but I tried not to dwell on it too much.
So let’s not dwell on it right now. I went back inside the house, and Johan was waiting for me with his arms crossed, and an angry look on his face. I cuddled into his arms, hoping it would soothe him a little.
“You’re wearing his scent,” he growled in my mind — because apparently, he’d lost his tongue.
I left, irritated. Things had turned out okay with Milo, and I did nothing to piss Johan off. He had the right to be jealous, but that was too much. But after all, if I had smelled a woman’s whiff on him, I would have lost it. I had to be more patient; he was doing his best too. He caught up with me and hugged me — I let him.
“Milo was… civil, and respectful,” he said out loud, trying to make amends.
I was glad to see he was trying, and so I kissed him near his lips. It wasn’t much, but it was something. Step by step. I looked deep into his eyes; I could never get enough of that beautiful grey color resembling the stormy clouds. He made my head spin.
Yet I had to go. The seconds turned into minutes which turned into hours, and the sun was about to set. I got ready, and looked at my sad, exhausted face in the mirror. I had put on my blue dress again, and my makeup mask as well.
My grandmother was finally going to get the funeral she deserved. I was finally going to mourn her properly, once and for all, and say goodbye. There was no turning back. I needed to move forward.
Chapter 29
The horizon was tinged with red, which shaded off with bright orange and light pink. The colors were mingling with the white clouds that seemed to be dancing with the setting sun. It was disappearing into the water, swallowed by that gigantic lake that stood in front of us. The final rays of the sun, longing to sleep, glimmered soft waves driven by the wind. The weeping willows around the lake cried invisible tears in the water colored by the sky. It was perfect timing. It was as sad as me. The landscape was a tribute to my beloved grandmother, with its red, its waves, and the weeping willows crouched above her upcoming final resting place. Here. By the water. In front of that fiery setting sun. That burning flame was just like her.
Johan grabbed my hand and I held it without saying a word. I was moved. I didn’t want to break this beautiful, peaceful silent. We were standing on the pontoon, in front of my grandmother’s coffin. She was peaceful. The witches had done
a good job: the coffin had been painted in a thousand colors and teemed with flowers. I’d asked that we all dressed in different colors, like a rainbow in the sky.
Adélie was wearing a beautiful red dress, Esthelle a purple jumpsuit, Lola an orange outfit, Bridget was in pink, Clemencia and Colin in beige, Milo in an emerald green, and Daniel in a bright yellow. Johan and I were wearing blue. We were all holding hands, like a human chain in front of that spectacular landscape, in front of her. She would have loved it. Maybe she was looking at us from up above and smiling. I hoped so.
The time had come. With Johan’s help, I pushed the coffin into the water. She would have been thrilled to see we proceeded to a traditional funeral. Adélie had had a wonderful idea. She wouldn’t have liked to be buried in a big hole, surrounded by worms for all eternity. She wouldn’t have wanted to keep her ashes either, as if she were a heavy burden weighing on our lives. No. To start a new journey, traveling forever carried by the waves that would spread her ashes all over the immenseness of the oceans was more like it. Adélie handed me a torch on which ref flames were writhing.
“To Andrea Carson,” I said staring at the horizon.
“To Andrea Carson,” the others said in unison.
“An amazing woman, infinitely wise. Braver than any of us, with the most beautiful of smiles which always warmed the coldest of hearts. To Andrea Carson, my grandmother, who loved me with all her soul and whom I loved and always will love with all of mine until fate decides we shall meet again.”
There was nothing else to say. How were you supposed to honor the dead? Words were beautiful but they never remained for much long in someone’s mind. They just stayed in the air, floating a little and then they disappeared into the wind. Only memories can make the love you have for those that leave last. It was through memory, that you could honor the dead. And I was planning on reminiscing about my grandmother every day of my life.
With a trembling hand, I set the floating coffin on fire with the torch. The flames took control of the flowers and started to burn the wood — with a little help, the quivering coffin went away on the water and joined the red horizon and the setting sun. I watched it go away. My eyes wet with tears, until the flames met the sun’s that shimmered on the water. Until nothing was left. It seemed as if my grandma was disappearing with the sun, as if its burning rays had taken her by the hand to another world. In the blink of an eye, the star had vanished, the flowers had burned, and my grandmother had vanished.
She-Wolf I Page 37