The Amish Widow's Heart

by Marta Perry

“Komm, let’s find a table where you can work your puzzle.” He held out his hand to Benjy. “Maybe you can help me set the table up, all right?”

  One thing she could say for Benjy—he was easily distracted. He trotted along after Daniel, and she had time to breathe for a moment.

  What would Daniel think of her, being so sharp with her son? She could hardly tell him why being in the place so associated with James had set her nerves on edge. Was it here that James’s involvement with the woman started? It seemed likely.

  But when Daniel returned after he and Benjy had set up a folding table and Benjy had dumped out the puzzle pieces, he didn’t appear to be thinking any such thing.

  “Since you haven’t been here much, why don’t we start off with a walk around, just to remind you where everything is?”

  Beth nodded, and together they checked out the small break room, where the coffeepot steamed, and took a look in the storeroom, which stretched across the back of the building. Timothy was there, loading what looked like heavy boxes of canned goods onto a cart. He glanced up with a grin before turning back to the boxes.

  “We have a pretty fast turnover most of the time, so we try to stay ahead of what’s going to be needed,” Daniel explained, gesturing toward the marked cartons. “It’s been a big help having Timothy here. In fact...” He stopped, as if reconsidering what he was going to say.

  Before she could ask, he’d moved on. “Here’s the office. All the book work is done here. If you want to go over the books, I’ll be glad to show you where everything is.”

  She had a quick vision of James sitting at the desk, his hair ruffled as he struggled with figures. “Not right now,” she said. Then, unable to resist prodding the pain of picturing him, she added, “Did James do the record keeping?”

  Daniel chuckled. “Not James. He didn’t like jobs that required sitting still. He enjoyed interacting with the customers and the suppliers, so he took care of that side of things.”

  “It was kind of you to let him do the job he liked.” But with his outgoing personality, James had probably done it well.

  Daniel shrugged. “James was used to getting his way.”

  She gave him a sharp look, but it was apparent that wasn’t meant as an insult. It was simply the truth. James did usually get his way, and things seemed to turn out as he wanted.

  When they got back to the store proper, several customers had come in. Anna was busy in the baked goods section, leaving no one at the checkout counter. Beth expected Daniel to head there, but instead he gave her a hopeful look.

  “Would you mind running the checkout counter for a bit? A fresh produce order should be coming in, and I need to talk with the driver. There’s an adding machine on the counter, and the price should be marked on everything.”

  “I guess I could do that.” She felt shy taking it on, but surely it couldn’t be that hard. If she kept busy, maybe she’d stop picturing James everywhere she turned.

  The gratitude in Daniel’s face chided her. She had given little thought, enmeshed in her own misery, for how this affected Daniel and the business.

  “I’ll shout if I need help, yah?”

  Daniel’s smile lit his normally serious face, making her think of how James had teased him, saying it made him look like an old man. Pushing the thought away, she hurried to the counter.

  The first couple of checkouts were easy. The customers were from her own church district, so all of them had already had opportunities to express their condolences. They still all commented on how good it was to see her out of the house, but she could handle that.

  Several people commented on the Honeycrisp apples, knowing that they’d have come from her orchard. She was a little surprised at the lift that gave her. The fruits of the orchard were her products, maybe that was why.

  By taking a few steps, she could see around the nearest counter to where Benjy sat. He’d been working on his puzzle, but soon he had given that up, and he seemed to be putting his miniature farm animals into and out of a barn improvised from a box.

  When she turned back to the counter, she recognized Ellen Schultz heading toward her, wearing an expression composed of sorrow and curiosity mixed. Beth braced herself. Ellen belonged to the sister church district, which shared the same bishop, so this was her opportunity to express condolences.

  “Ach, Beth, I didn’t think to see you in the store. Poor thing.” Ellen grasped her hand, and ready tears welled in the woman’s eyes. “I’m that sorry for your loss. James is safe with God, but you are left to carry on, ain’t so?”

  Clearly the woman didn’t expect an answer. That was just as well, since Beth didn’t have one. Would James be with the Lord, despite the pain and betrayal he’d left behind? She hadn’t considered it, and she didn’t want to.

  “Denke, Ellen. You’re so kind.”

  As she added up Ellen’s bill and collected the money, she let the flow of commiserations go in one ear and out the other. How long, she wondered, would it take for people to stop thinking of her as “poor Beth”?

  With a few more expressions of sympathy, Ellen carried her packages out the door. Beth took a deep breath, relieved that no one else was headed to the counter at the moment. She’d just check on Benjy...

  She moved the few steps that let her see the table. The table was there all right, with Benjy’s puzzle scattered on top of it and the farm animals in their barn. But Benjy wasn’t there. Panic gripped her heart. Benjy was gone.

  * * *

  Daniel was carrying a carton of lettuce through the storeroom when Beth rushed through the door, her face white and her eyes filled with panic. Shoving the carton onto the nearest table, he raced toward her.

  “Beth, what’s wrong? What happened?”

  “Benjy! I can’t find Benjy.” She stared frantically around the storeroom. “Benjy! Are you in here?”

  “Easy, slow down.” He clasped her arm to keep her from rushing off. “He can’t have gone far. Are you sure he isn’t in the store?”

  “He’s gone. I just turned away for a few minutes to check out a customer, and when I looked again, he wasn’t there.” Her voice shook on the words.

  “He probably got bored and went to look around, that’s all. Komm, you can’t help by panicking. I’ll help you look.”

  Beth shot him an angry glance, but then she sucked in a breath and nodded.

  They separated to move quickly through the storeroom, although Daniel felt reasonably sure the boy couldn’t have gotten in. The latch on the storeroom door was too high for Benjy to reach, he’d think.

  They met back at the door. “He must be in the store,” he said, trying to keep any doubt out of his voice. For sure Benjy would be there. Where else could he be?

  “Just stay calm,” he said, holding the door for her. “There’s nowhere else he could have gone.”

  Her eyes widened, as if what he’d said had frightened her. “The door. What if he slipped outside? It’s so close to the road—” She didn’t finish, just darted toward the front door.

  Daniel let her go, knowing there was no sense in trying to stop her. She was frightened, and that wasn’t surprising. Only a month ago she’d buried her husband, and the responsibility for their child must weigh heavily on her. The best thing he could do was to look for Benjy himself in the most likely places. He started through the aisles.

  And sure enough, the most likely place it was. Benjy stood behind a stack of boxes, peering around them at Timothy, who was unloading cans of vegetables.

  Safe enough. And natural, too, that the boy would be looking for some activity after sitting so long. Any smart, active four-year-old would want to be part of things.

  Leaving them without speaking, Daniel headed for the front door. Through the glass door he could see Beth looking up and down the road for any glimpse of her son. The anguish on her face ripped at his heart.


  He covered the remaining space to the door in a few swift strides, shoved it open and reached her. “It’s all right. He’s fine. He’s inside.”

  Beth’s green eyes, dark with worry, searched his face and saw the confidence there. She let out a long breath. “Thank the gut Lord. Where is he?” She started toward the door, as if to rush in and scoop him up.

  He clasped her wrist to stop her, feeling it pound against his palm. “Wait, Beth. Calm down. Benjy doesn’t think he’s missing. You don’t want to scare him, ain’t so?”

  For an instant he thought she’d flare up at him, but then she seemed to struggle for control. She took a deep breath, and then another.

  “You’re right. I guess I overreacted. When he wasn’t where I expected him to be, it just seemed to wash me off my feet.”

  “I know. With everything...with losing James...it’s natural you’d be off balance.”

  She nodded. Letting out another long breath, she managed a slight smile. “All right. I can behave now. Let’s go in.”

  They walked back toward the canned goods, and he could almost feel the tension in her making her long to grab Benjy and fuss over him. He was tempted to repeat his warning, but if she resented it, he’d have done more harm than good.

  When they reached the last row of shelves, Beth stood quietly, just watching the two boys. Relieved, he stood behind her and looked over her shoulder.

  Benjy stood next to Timothy, who was kneeling on the floor, transferring cans from the boxes to the shelves. “...each kind of vegetable has its own place,” Timothy was explaining. “See, I look at the picture on the can and then at the cans on the shelf. This one is corn, so where do you think it goes?”

  His small face serious, Benjy studied the shelves. “There!” he said, triumph in his voice. He pointed to the right place, and Timothy, grinning, put the can in its spot.

  “Gut.” Benjy hesitated. “Can I put some on the shelves? I could help you.”

  Now it was Timothy’s turn to hesitate. “If your mammi says it’s okay.” He nodded toward them. “Why don’t you ask her?”

  Benjy spun around, seeing them for the first time. “Can I, Mammi? Can I help Timothy?”

  The last of Beth’s tension seemed gone. “If Timothy is willing to show you, that’s fine. But mind, if he has to do something else, you don’t pester him. All right?”

  Benjy’s smile was like sunshine breaking through the clouds. “I won’t, Mammi. I’ll do just what Timothy says.”

  “Gut.” Beth turned, coming face-to-face with Daniel. He stepped back. He was pleased to see her smiling as they walked away.

  “I hadn’t thought of that,” she murmured. “That’s how we learned, yah? By standing next to someone, learning and then trying it ourselves.”

  “That’s it, for sure. Remember when your onkel taught us how to pick the apples? He was a patient man, letting a bunch of kids like us loose in his orchard.”

  “I remember.” Her face eased into a smile. “Denke, Daniel. I’m glad I brought Benjy.”

  * * *

  By the next afternoon, Beth regretted she’d said those words. Benjy seemed determined to turn their visit to the store into a regular routine. He was dismayed to find they weren’t heading out first thing the following morning. After his third complaint, Beth knelt beside him.

  “I know you like going to the store, and we’ll do it again. But not today,” she added, before he could burst into speech. “This afternoon the cousins are coming to pick apples again, remember? We have to be here.”

  Benjy wasn’t one to be discouraged at a single obstacle. “But this morning—”

  “This morning I have my regular work to do so I can be free for the apple-picking. And you’re going to clean up your bedroom.”

  The firmness in her voice must have told him argument was useless. He headed toward the stairs, his steps dragging. Suppressing a smile, she turned back to the breakfast dishes.

  Benjy was a good boy. He liked to get his own way, but what four-year-old didn’t? If he had a little brother or sister, he’d have learned to be more flexible, she supposed. Now...well, now she couldn’t see that it would ever happen. She’d have to take extra care not to spoil him.

  Despite Benjy’s enthusiasm for the store, she couldn’t help wondering how long it would last if she committed to working a regular schedule. She could have someone watch him, but she hated the idea of leaving her little one with someone else.

  But how else could she do her share of the work? The business belonged to her and Daniel now, and it wasn’t fair to him if she didn’t contribute something to the store. The issue swirled around and around in her mind, making her dizzy with indecision. She felt a wave of anger toward James for dying and leaving her in this predicament, and an instant later she fell to her knees, praying for forgiveness.

  “Mammi?” Benjy’s voice penetrated her misery. “What’s wrong? Did you fall down?”

  The tremor in his voice brought her back to her senses. She pressed her palms against the braided rug in front of the sink.

  “No, no, I’m fine. I thought I dropped a pin, that’s all.” She rose. “All finished upstairs?” At his nod, she went on. “Let’s go out and check for eggs, then.”

  Benjy was easily distracted, but her conscience continued to trouble her for the next few hours. Anger might be a natural response, but for the faithful, it was one to be conquered. Whatever wrong James had done, it was vanished in God’s forgiveness now.

  Beth had just cleared up from lunch when she heard the rattle of the wagon coming down the drive.

  “Mammi, they’re here!” Benjy had been perched on the back porch steps, watching eagerly for any sign of his cousins.

  “I’m coming.” She hurried out to welcome them, surprised to see Daniel sitting in the back of the wagon next to her brother Eli and several of her nieces and nephews.

  “Wilkom. I can see we’ll get a lot of picking done this afternoon with all this help.”

  “Hop on,” Daad said. “We’ll take the wagon up to the orchard so we can load easily.”

  “You go ahead. I’ll fetch the baskets.”

  Even as she was speaking, Daniel slid down and lifted Benjy into the wagon. “I’ll give you a hand,” he said.

  “Denke, but shouldn’t you be at the store this afternoon?”

  “I thought it would be gut for Anna to be left in charge for a bit. Besides, the sooner we get the apples picked, the faster we’ll sell them. I’ve had folks asking for them.”

  Giving in, she led the way to the shed where she’d stored the baskets. He bent to pick up a stack of them, and she followed suit, wondering if he were trying to make her feel good about the apples. But it was true that the first few baskets they’d taken in had sold quickly.

  Beth half expected him to bring up the idea of her coming to work at the store on a regular basis, but he didn’t, just chatting easily about the orchard and reminding her of other days of apple-picking.

  When they reached the early apple trees, Daniel dropped his stack of baskets and began to hand them out.

  Daad grabbed one. “Let’s get started. Eli, you and Daniel might bring the stepladder. I don’t want these young ones climbing too high.”

  “Ach, we can do it, Grossdaadi.” Eli’s twelve-year-old, Joshua, was brimming with confidence, and she hoped Benjy wasn’t going to emulate him.

  “The last time you climbed too high and Daadi had to get the ladder to bring you down,” Janie said, flattening him as only an older sister could.

  “That was years ago,” he protested.

  Eli and Daniel, coming from the shed with the stepladder, overheard some of it, and Eli frowned at both of them. “No fussing, you two. And, Joshua, you listen to Aunt Beth. They are her trees, ain’t so?”

  Joshua grinned, unrepentant. “Yah, I will.”

 
“That one’s as full of mischief as his daadi was,” Daniel commented, seizing a basket. “I remember Eli clowning around when we were picking once and breaking a branch. Your onkel laid into him something fierce.”

  Before Beth could answer, Benjy tugged at her skirt. “Mammi, where’s my basket? I have to pick.”

  “Right here,” Daniel said quickly. “You and I are partners, ain’t so?”

  “Yah!” Benjy’s face lit up, and he grabbed the basket. “Hurry, before they pick all the apples.”

  “We can’t let that happen.” His eyes laughing, Daniel winked at Beth and went off with her son.

  Beth stood where she was for a moment, not sure how she felt about letting Benjy go off with someone else. Foolish, she scolded herself. You can trust Daniel, and you don’t want to tie Benjy to your apron strings.

  Grabbing a basket, she headed for the tree where young Janie was picking.

  “The apples are wonderful gut,” Janie said, putting her foot in the crotch of the tree and moving higher. She’d hung a smaller basket around her waist so that she didn’t have to climb up and down and was picking with quick, deft motions.

  “Yah, they are. It’s the best crop of Honeycrisp we’ve had in several years. They’re choosy about the weather.” She seemed to hear her uncle’s voice echoing in her head. “That’s what Onkel Isaac always said.”

  Janie nodded. “You’ll be able to sell a lot in the store.” She hesitated, looking as if she wanted to say something more.

  Beth smiled at her, thinking how dear this sweet niece was to her. “Did you want to ask me something, Janie?”

  Smiling back, she ducked her head. “I was just thinking... Daadi said you maybe would be working in the store more. If you are, I could watch Benjy for you, couldn’t I?”

  Every member of her family seemed to think they knew what she ought to do. Or what she planned to, which was more than she did. Still, this was the obvious answer to one of her concerns.

  “I don’t know yet what I’m going to do,” she said carefully. “But if I do work at the store, I think that would be a fine idea.”