Accepting the Fall

by Meg Harding

  “Today, at therapy, Savanah told the woman she was afraid of when I’d leave her. Like her mother had. And it was just… it was something I’ve thought every time I’ve ever met someone. She shouldn’t feel that way. I don’t want her to grow up always wondering when I’m going to walk out the door or hand her to someone else. That’s not a way to live. Which kind of puts my life in perspective.

  “I am, at this very moment, wondering when you’re going to find something better and leave. Or, by god, what if you die? I don’t want these thoughts to win. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life wondering what could have happened if only I’d taken the chance. I haven’t really been living.

  “When I met you, I didn’t know what the fuck to do with you. You set my entire world on edge, and I couldn’t ignore you. Everything in me was against it. I spent the entire time telling myself we were just having fun. We were lonely teenagers looking to experience firsts together, no feelings involved. Which was such bullshit. You knew that. And you called me on it. You scared the fuck out of me, Cole. I’ve faced down guns and bombs and none of them have been as terrifying as you telling me you loved me. You weren’t supposed to. No one else ever had. I tried to protect myself, and in the process I hurt you. I’m so sorry for that, and I’d like to say I’ve had this epiphany all of a sudden and I’m cured of all my fears, but that’s not true. I’ve known for years I was a coward, but I don’t want to be one anymore. All my fears are still there, but I want to work through them. I want to try for you, for Savanah.” He opened his eyes. His brown irises were so vibrant. “I can’t fix the past, and I can’t promise you a perfect future. I’ve got my best effort, though.”

  Cole’s fingers were clenching around Zander’s kneecap compulsively as he tried to take in all of that, to process the information and the meaning, to truly understand. His eyes were starting to blur, and he forcefully made his fingers relax so he could swipe at them. “I….” He shook his head. How could he put this into words? “You….” He wasn’t doing a good job being coherent. “All I ever wanted was for you to try,” he said finally. “That’s all. I don’t care about a perfect future or the past that can’t be undone. I can’t and I’d never ask for more than your best effort. That’s all I can promise you myself.”

  Cole straightened his spine. For the second time in his life, he was ready to say these words to Zander. “I love you, Zander Brooks, and I always have. And if you can accept me and my flaws, my hangups, then I can accept yours. I’m willing to work for us, with you, every step of the way.”

  He pushed one of Zander’s legs aside, closing the distance between them to kiss him, slow and deep and with every ounce of feeling he could convey with lips and tongue and teeth. Zander met him inch for inch, settling his hands in Cole’s hair, fingers tangling around the strands and keeping Cole from going anywhere.

  As if he was going to try, hah.

  When air became imperative, they parted but didn’t go far. Their foreheads rested together. Zander nuzzled against him, grazing their noses, mouthing at his jawline. Against Cole’s skin he said, “I love you so fucking much.”

  In the distance they could hear Savanah and Cole’s mom coming back to the house, and Cole wished, selfishly for a second, that Zander and he were alone to enjoy this.

  Zander could apparently read his mind. “I wish we had all night,” he said, nibbling on Cole’s earlobe.

  Cole tilted his head, sighing. “Tomorrow.” His eyelids shuttered as Zander moved lower. “We’ll leave Savanah with my mom if she’s up for it, and you’ll plan a night for us.”

  “I will, huh? No pressure.”

  Cole grinned, squirming till he could kiss the tip of Zander’s nose. “It doesn’t have to be perfect.”

  Chapter 19

  It didn’t have to be perfect, but Zander was going to come as close to it as he could. He spent all day searching for one specific film, an old German one he’d seen in a tiny, derelict cinema in a district of Berlin some seventeen years ago. He found a German restaurant that would cater out and made an order for an eggplant and portobello schnitzel to be delivered for Cole and beer-brined chicken for himself. Lagers were chilling in the fridge.

  Zander was going to take them back to Berlin and give Cole a happier ending.

  Hopefully Cole would enjoy this twist on memory lane.

  They shared a long, meaningful look as Zander picked Savanah up from school and took her back home while he finished getting things ready. He’d be dropping her off at seven and picking Cole up, bringing him back here.

  Savanah stared at him during the car ride, and she followed him around the house as he cleaned. “What’re you doing?” she finally demanded when he was on the floor, trying to get a questionable green stain out of the rug under the coffee table.

  “I’m cleaning,” he said and politely didn’t tell her it would be an easier task if she wasn’t a one woman wrecking crew with her art supplies.

  “You’re being weird,” she informed him succinctly.

  He sighed. “Do you want to help?”

  She glanced from him to the cleaning supplies. “No.” She made herself comfortable on the couch, propping her chin on her knees.

  “Are you seriously going to watch me clean?”

  “Yes.”

  Zander really didn’t understand children.

  Eventually, while he was mopping, she asked, “Is this because Mr. Whitaker is coming over?”

  Zander stretched his shoulders, exhaling as they cracked. “You can call him Cole, in fact we’d prefer it when you’re not at school. And yes. I want the place to be nice for him.”

  She dug her chin into her knees, like she was trying to burrow. “I like his mom. She said we could ride the horses tonight. And I could help her feed all the puppies.”

  “Well that sounds like a lot of fun.”

  “Her nose does this when I talk about you.” Savanah scrunched her nose. She perked up after. “But she likes me. She told me so.”

  Zander had a long and uphill battle in his future to win over Cole’s mom, that was for sure. As painful as it was most likely going to be, he didn’t plan to give up. Her opinion wouldn’t affect their being together, but he knew it would make things easier on Cole. “Everyone likes you, princess.” He pressed a kiss to the top of her head. “Did she say if I should feed you before we head over?”

  “She said we’re making dinner. And brownies! She said they won’t be burned like when you try.”

  Zander rolled his eyes. “I got them not burned eventually, jeez.”

  Predictably Savanah giggled. She held her arms out for a hug. “I’ll get her to love you too, daddy.”

  He hugged her as tightly as he could without hurting her, lifting her from the couch as he did. That was the first time she’d ever told him she loved him. His eyes definitely didn’t start to water. He felt warm to his very core. “You don’t have to, sweetie. I love you so much, and that’s more than enough.”

  She kissed his cheek. “I want to.”

  Zander had a picture in his head, well, more of a movie reel, of how he was going to greet Cole once they were alone. He was going to kiss him against the stucco entryway of his house once the door was shut, and they’d only part when it became imperative to move things to Zander’s home.

  Instead, Zander—who was unable to quit grinning—grabbed Cole’s hand and said, “Savanah told me she loved me.” Having never heard the words from his father and having never said them to him, he hadn’t realized what a big deal they would be. He hadn’t realized how much it had ached not hearing them from her. It had just seemed normal.

  “That’s awesome!” Cole hugged him, squeezing his arms around Zander’s waist. “You know she’s loved you this whole time right?” He swayed them back and forth. “I’m so happy for you.”

  “I mean,” said Zander, wondering if he had known, “I figured she liked me. Most of the time anyway. There’s been a few screamed I hate you’s.” Normally after he’d
told her no, and they’d been more frequent in the first few months they’d been together. It had been nearly three months since she’d last put him on blast.

  “All kids say that. She didn’t mean it.” Cole kissed his chin, nipping sharply. “I’m going to have to help you with this whole feelings and emotions thing, aren’t I?”

  Zander thought of his father and the man’s hatred of anything resembling weakness. He hadn’t been a physically abusive man, but he’d been a screamer. And he’d been cold. In turn, he’d made it hard for Zander to connect with others. Had separated Zander from how he felt. What, Zander had to wonder, had been the cause of his father’s frigidness?

  “Yeah, I think you will.” He dropped a quick peck to Cole’s lips. “Come on. I’ve got dinner waiting for us.”

  “Any hints?”

  “What is it with you and the hints?” Because he was a gentleman, and he’d done his research, Zander opened Cole’s car door for him.

  This earned laughter, and a light shove to his shoulder. “You’re ridiculous. I can open my own door.”

  “It’s supposed to be romantic.”

  Cole sat in the seat, but facing out. He caught Zander with his legs, tugging him close. “I’m going to share a secret. I don’t like flowers. I don’t need you to pull my seat out or go out of your way to open doors for me. For years I’ve dated men who’ve gone through the motions, and I didn’t say anything because I didn’t care enough to tell them it did nothing for me. It was the thought behind it that counted, right? I didn’t want to disappoint them. But you… I want everything to be real. I don’t want to fake it, and I don’t want you to fake it either.”

  “So I should shut doors in your face?” murmured Zander, leaning in till they were sharing air, lips only inches apart.

  Cole clamped his legs tighter on Zander’s hips. “Don’t be an ass. Just be you.”

  Zander kissed him, hands in Cole’s hair and his heart thrumming in his chest. “Maybe I am an ass,” he said when he pulled away.

  “Oh you are,” agreed Cole, pushing Zander a step back. He swung his legs into the car and shut the door before Zander could retaliate.

  They playfully bickered the entire drive. Cole seemed to like when Zander needled at him, and in return he gave back just as much. Beneath his sweet façade was a familiar and welcome sarcastic personality. Cole informed Zander he brought it out in him, and Zander flushed with pleasure, pleased that this was a side of Cole reserved for him.

  Dinner was eaten on the couch, side by side with their plates in their lap and the film playing. German filled the room, and neither of them bothered to put the subtitles on. It would take the authenticity out of the night.

  Cole leaned his head on Zander’s shoulder, his half empty plate of schnitzel tilting dangerously. “You know, when you walked into my classroom, I wanted to punch you.”

  Zander side-eyed him. He righted the plate before his sofa could end up covered in the food. “How sweet, thank you.”

  Cole snorted, and then mouthed at Zander’s neck. “I’m glad I didn’t. I’ve been through so much over the years, and it sucks we weren’t together for all of them because we would have lasted—I know we would have—but then you wouldn’t have Savanah. I wouldn’t be this version of me.”

  Zander rested his head against Cole’s. He’d realized the same thing himself not that long ago. He snuck an arm around Cole’s waist. “Are you ever going to tell me about your scars?” Zander had noticed them the first time they’d slept together, but he didn’t ask. He didn’t want to ruin the moment, and he was scared of his own reaction, the anger he would feel at whoever—whatever—had harmed Cole so. He wanted to know everything he’d missed though, wanted to help Cole like Cole helped him. Now was as good a time as any, languorous with food and cocooned in the warmth of each other and the blankets.

  Cole turned against him, tucking his face against Zander’s neck. “I think that’s a conversation for another night. It was awful, but I’m strong and they’re just scars. Nothing more.”

  Zander slid Cole’s shirt up, fingers tracing the ridged marks on Cole’s back. He could understand that. He had his own scars, marks from his time in the military. Cole had taken to kissing them, following the grooves with his tongue while they lay tangled together.

  The atmosphere between them abruptly changed, a tension beginning to burn between them.

  “Bedroom?” whispered Cole, sucking on Zander’s earlobe, breath hot and damp against him.

  “Yeah.” Zander’s voice was ridiculously husky for nothing having happened yet. Just being near Cole set his body afire.

  Cole led the way, well acquainted already with the layout of Zander’s house. He felt after a week like he’d been living there for years. They stripped one another, taking turns lifting shirts over their heads and unbuttoning jeans, shimmying out of them and pushing briefs to follow. They touched as they undressed, quick brushes of their fingers. Zander followed the path of Cole’s ribs, while Cole outlined the definition of Zander’s biceps.

  It was a slow process, but eventually they were naked. Skin to skin and mouth to mouth. Zander tumbled Cole onto the bed, lying atop him, pressing him down into the mattress. Cole wrapped his legs around Zander’s waist, rocking up, their hard cocks sliding together. They kissed as they moved, lazy rolls of their hips and low moans shared between them.

  Their hands were all over. Zander couldn’t get enough of Cole, trailing his fingers over Cole’s sides, down to the meat of his hips and his thighs. He spread them out, feeling the flex of muscle with Cole’s thighs wrapped around him so. Cole began with his hands on Zander’s back, nails lightly scratching, but quickly gravitated to Zander’s ass. He was digging into the meaty flesh, pulling Zander closer, urging him to move faster.

  He gasped when Zander broke the kiss, but it quickly turned to a whine as Zander licked the head of his cock. He swirled his tongue around, the taste of Cole on his tongue so sweet, and then sucked him in. Cole’s hips rose from the bed, and Zander was there, hands on them to push him down and hold him there. On either side of Zander, Cole’s legs were shifting restlessly, knees pulling up and muscles jerking whenever he did something particularly good.

  Zander only stopped to grab his supplies, and then he was back, Cole’s cock once more in his mouth, teasing at his throat. Zander lubed a finger while he sucked Cole, distracting him, and then ran the slick digit over Cole’s twitching hole. Cole tried to buck his hips, but Zander was still using his other hand to pin him. Zander hollowed his cheeks and took Cole further in while at the same time he opened Cole with his finger, sliding in to the knuckle. He crooked his finger, and Cole jerked, a strangled sound leaving his throat.

  If Zander’s mouth hadn’t been full, he’d have grinned.

  He took his time, opening Cole slowly, adding a finger only when Cole began to beg. When he had three fingers in him, ruthlessly rubbing over Cole’s prostate, and the begging reached unintelligible levels, he withdrew. Cole gave a full body shudder, trying to follow Zander’s fingers.

  Zander petted Cole’s flanks. “Shhh. It’s okay.” Cole’s chest was heaving, his cock red and flushed, engorged and leaking. His stomach was a mess of precome and saliva. Zander gave Cole’s cock a quick squeeze. “I want you to ride me.”

  Cole nodded eagerly, clambering on top of Zander the moment Zander was prone. He took Zander’s cock in hand, holding it to his hole for a long second, and then he slid down. The sound he made was punched out, and Zander’s hips jerked, his back arching off the bed. His eyes damn near rolled back from the pleasure. He brought his hands to Cole’s hips, fingers digging in hard enough to leech the skin of color.

  Cole planted his hands on Zander’s chest, nails forming half-moons, and he rolled his hips in a choppy movement. He was breathing hard, face rosy and lips parted. Zander yanked him down, bringing their lips together in a heated exchange. Their chests stuck together, slick with sweat, as they rutted.

  It was fast and passion
ate, the two of them glued to one another and unwilling to part. It wasn’t coordinated or elegant, but it was them and Zander thought it was the best sex he’d ever had. That Cole was the best person he’d ever met, and he was so, so fucking lucky to have him.

  They came one after the other, Cole needing a helping hand at the end, spurting between them, streaking Zander’s stomach and chest with his come. Zander held him close through his own release, his back stuck in an arch and his eyes closed with the overwhelming feeling of it all. Cole kissed his neck through it, mumbling nonsense as he licked and sucked bruises into Zander’s flesh, marking him.

  They lay together afterward, legs tangled and breathing still not calm. Cole had an arm flung over Zander’s waist, and he was stroking Zander’s side slowly. “Carry me to the shower,” he said, voice throaty and hoarse. “I’m all gross.”

  Zander laughed. “I can’t feel my legs.”

  “When you can feel them, carry me.”

  Zander pressed a kiss to Cole’s sweaty forehead, brushing his wayward hair into place. “I’ll carry you anywhere.”

  Epilogue

  Thirteen Years Later

  If there was one thing Savanah’s parents loved more than each other, it was her. Dad and Cole adored her. She knew they’d go to hell and back for her. And she knew her graduation was simultaneously causing them to burst with pride and panic. Pride that she was all grown up and had accomplished this. Panic that come the end of summer, she’d be off to MIT for her first year of college.

  She’d be a long way away, and they’d never dealt with distance like that.

  Truthfully, Savanah was panicking a little too.

  She was just hiding it better.

  The over elaborate surprise party when they returned from the ceremony wasn’t actually a surprise. Her parents hadn’t been subtle, and she’d heard the plotting and planning they’d been doing for the last month. Still, when she opened the door to their house to find all the dogs and cats dressed in cute little outfits, her father’s work friends, family who couldn’t make it to the ceremony, and balloons and ribbons galore, she smiled wide and threw herself into their arms.