Planet Janet in Orbit
Page 17
CHRISTMAS DAY
Unless I go senile like my mother, as I get older I’m going to remember this Christmas for the rest of my life. I couldn’t fall asleep because I could still hear everyone singing at the Vigil in my head. Also kept thinking about Marcus kissing me in front of Big Ben. (Is this the start of Something? Or is it the end of a Beautiful Friendship? If we start going out, will we hate each other by the spring? If we don’t hate each other and end up getting married – after my career as whatever is established – will our children all have one eyebrow too?) I was finally sort of drifting off when I heard someone stumbling about in the hall. (The bulb went out ages ago, but as per usual the MC’s too lazy to do anything about it. Not only is Love blind, but it wants everyone else to be blind as well.) I ruled out Father Christmas straight away. Then I ruled out the Mad Cow, Sigmund and Robert because I could hear them all snoring (it’s like sleeping with hogs, I swear!). I also ruled out Sappho (wrong direction, she’d be heading for the loo) and Lucrezia and Marcella (because I could see them). I reckoned it must be Nan, because everyone knows that old people are too close to death to sleep much. So I got up and tiptoed out of my room in case she was going to make a cup of tea. Nan likes me well enough (I am her only granddaughter, after all), but she’s never been exactly overjoyed to see me before. “Praise the Lord!” cried Nan. “Janet, I need your help!” I said for what? To make tea? She said to ring for an ambulance – she had to get back to Sappho because the baby was coming. Being Nan, I wasn’t sure what baby she was talking about. I mean, it could’ve been the Baby Jesus. (Also, it was très LATE and I was shattered.) Nan wanted to know how many babies I thought we were expecting and I said you mean Sappho’s baby? It’s coming here? Now? Nan said it probably wanted to be near its mother. I said wouldn’t it be faster to get Sigmund to drive her to the hospital and Nan said Mary may have ridden on a donkey, but there was no way Sappho was going to the hospital in the Mini. Making phone calls is one of my natural talents, so I raced to the kitchen and rang the hospital. Then I went to tell Nan the ambulance would be here in probably less than an hour. Sappho was on the bed. (She wasn’t screaming the way women having babies on telly do, which I put down to the fact that she’s a rabid feminist and doesn’t like to seem weak or girly.) I’ve never seen anyone look pale AND flushed at the same time before. She looked like she’d just run ten miles. Except that her legs were wide open! (I couldn’t look! I’ve seen someone giving birth on telly, but it’s not the same as in your own home with a blood relative!) Nan said that less than an hour was probably a bit too late. The baby was coming right this minute! I said but doesn’t someone have to deliver it? I didn’t think they could just come on their own. Nan said she was an experienced midwife (is there no end to this woman’s talents?). She said she delivered many a baby in the war. (I’m going to have to check in the library and see if what I was told in school was wrong and it was Nan who won World War II!) She told me to go and boil water (I still don’t know WHY!). Sappho yelled at me to ring Mags. So I raced off to boil water and ring Mags. When I got back from that a scene of gory horror met my eyes. Nan was pulling this bloody, goppy-looking thing out of my aunt! [Note to self: In the story of the nativity there is NO mention of blood or goo or anything like that. Mary always looks like she got the baby in the market.] “Push!” ordered Nan, and Sappho (who usually won’t do anything anyone tells her to) pushed. IT WAS SO GROSS. I know birth’s meant to be a miracle and this brilliant thing, etc. but all I could think was, what a mess! And it didn’t even look like a baby. Not a human baby at any rate. (Here is ABSOLUTE PROOF that not all babies are beautiful – it looks like a pig!) Commandante Rose Bandry said to stop being stupid and go and wake my parents. By the time the ambulance finally turned up we were all in the kitchen having tea, even Sappho and the Piglet. Sappho’s naming it Germaine after that writer who’s always on the box giving her opinion on everything. I said she did realize everyone would call her Germ, didn’t she (which, if you ask me, is putting an unreasonable burden on a child that’s already off to a bad start)? But Sappho is oblivious to things like peer pressure. Having got the birthing bit over with, Sappho went straight back to Nobody Tells ME What to Do mode and refused to go to the hospital on the grounds that it was like going to a restaurant after you’d eaten dinner. Was just thinking of going back to bed when Nan’s priest and his dog rolled up! (See what I mean about old people and sleep? It was practically dawn!) I asked Nan what THEY were doing here and she said they’d come to share the fatted lentil loaf with us. She said she thought it was time Jerym met everybody. I said, “And why’s that then?” Nan got all coy (which is a sight I’ve never seen before, believe me!) and said, “Because he’s more or less part of the family, isn’t he?” I said, “Nobody told ME.” She said many are called but they don’t all come. (I never thought I’d have any sympathy for Mr Kipling, but this does explain why he was left at home by himself! Nan’s obviously chosen Jerym and his dog over her own cat. Poor Mr Kipling’s suffering the same Fate I did when Disha was in Love – TOTAL NEGLECT!) If you ask me, this family’s getting way too big. We’re going to have to move in with the Queen at the rate we’re going! (Or I’m going to have to get a bigger canvas!) It wasn’t like spending Christmas with anyone normal, but it wasn’t completely DREADFUL either. The food was all right. The presents aren’t going to make Jennifer Lopez wish she was part of our family, but they were all right too. Buskin’ Bob wrote me a song called “Planet Janet in Orbit” (which was actually funny – esp. if you’re not ME). The MC made me a photo album with pictures in it of me when I was little (which was touching in a sad and bittersweet way – and useful for my portrait). Nan knitted me this très cool jumper that she copied from a magazine. Lucrezia made me a bookmark with my name on it, and Marcella decorated a cigar box with glitter and sequins and a picture of me, her and the Little Horror in the rain in Wales (which I suppose I can incorporate into my art project, since it looks like I really am stuck with them) for me to keep jewellery in. And Sigmund broke all the rules and bought me ten lessons with a proper driving school because he said his nerves really couldn’t take any more. (And mine could?) Everybody LOVED my gifts. (Especially Nan! She said she’d been wanting to read that book. Robert said it was really good; he had a copy himself. Didn’t I say he’d never know?) Of course, after we ate, we had to sit around singing for a few hours. I didn’t mind it as much as usual, but I think that was because Jerym contributed champagne to the dinner. (I notice Robert didn’t tell him he could’ve fed some child in Africa for six months on what that cost!) Then we had to take pictures so that in years to come we’ll think we had a brilliant time. Not only did I have to pose with the Deadly Duo but I had the Piglet on my lap as well. (She pissed all over me.)
BOXING DAY
Went round to Disha’s to get away from all the singing and crying at our house. Told her about Christmas Eve and she WAS ASTOUNDED! She said you really kissed him back? I said twice. Disha wanted to know if that was it then and Marcus and I are officially an item. I said I’ve been giving it TONS of thought (which I have – when it’s quiet enough in the House of Horror to think). I said I’d decided that when he gets back I’m going to tell him that I thought we both got swept away in the moment with the singing and the rain and the clock and all and that it wouldn’t be a good idea to add snogging to our personal itinerary. She said that’s v mature of me. I said I know.
THURSDAY 27 DECEMBER
Disha came over to meet the Piglet today. D thinks she’s cute. I said she’s been hitting the Christmas eggnog too hard. The Piglet’s only cute if you’re comparing her to the rest of the barnyard. Showed Disha my Oxfam Christmas presents. She said I did v well. At least I didn’t get any bath gel or anything like that (she got three bottles of gel, two of foaming bubbles, and four lots of oil balls!). Disha thinks it’s cool to have things MADE for you. It shows people are really thinking about you. I said they could think about me in any major department store as well.
FRIDAY 28 DECEMBER
Went with D to exchange some of her Christmas toiletries today. Lila was in the Body Shop, exchanging some stuff she’d been given. I said, “You’re still not speaking to the Hendley even in this season of goodwill?” She said she can’t speak to her because she’s in Bali. I said, “SHE’S WHAT? ANOTHER HOLIDAY?” Lila said not exactly. She said Catriona Fell in Love with a waiter in the hotel where she stayed in the summer and has run off to be with him. Disha and I were both pretty GOBSMACKED. But I could see some good news for me personally in all this. I said so she’s not coming back to school in the New Year? WHAT A SHAME. Lila said she’ll be back. The parent Hendleys have gone after her. I said well, you kept pretty quiet about this. Lila said she’d been SWORN TO SECRECY. I said fancy the Hendley falling for a Balinese waiter! Lila said he was Australian. I said well, at least we know it isn’t Ethan, and Disha and I cracked up in a major way. Lila said she didn’t see what was so funny.
MONDAY 31 DECEMBER
Was just getting ready to go over to Disha’s for New Year’s Eve (it’s becoming our tradition!) when the phone rang. It was Marcus. He said he would’ve rung me sooner but there’s no phone in the lighthouse and this was the first chance he’d had. He wanted to know if I’d been thinking about US. I said a bit. He said he hadn’t been able to put Christmas Eve out of his mind. He says it was the best night of his life! And I must know how much he likes me since he’s never tried to hide his feelings. He said he thought we should go out properly. He wanted to know if that was what I thought too. I surprised myself by saying yes.
TUESDAY 1 JANUARY
ANOTHER NEW YEAR BEGINS! (I’m not sure whether I should rush out to greet it or duck for cover!) Disha and I talked so much last night that midnight came and went before we even noticed! We certainly had QUITE A YEAR!!! D said that even though there was a certain amount of emotional turmoil and pain and suffering she actually found it all sort of exciting. She said at least we’ve started to really live. I agreed. I said but I thought that, all things considered, it was just as well we’d jacked in the Dark Phase, since Life is dark enough without having to egg it on.
Books by the same author
And Baby Makes Two
The Boy of My Dreams
Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen
My Perfect Life
Planet Janet
Ride On, Sister Vincent
Sophie Pitt-Turnbull Discovers America
Tall, Thin and Blonde
Undercover Angel
Undercover Angel Strikes Again
PLANET JANET IN ORBIT
Dyan Sheldon is the author of many books for young people, including Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen; And Baby Makes Two; The Crazy Things Girls Do for Love; and My Worst Best Friend; as well as a number of stories for younger readers. American by birth, Dyan lives in North London.
First published 2004 by Walker Books Ltd 87 Vauxhall Walk, London SE11 5HJ
This edition published 2011
This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents are either the product of the author’s imagination or, if real, are used fictitiously.
Text © 2004 Dyan Sheldon
Cover illustration © 2004 Andrew Griffin
The right of Dyan Sheldon to be identified as author of this work has been asserted by her in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced, transmitted or stored in an information retrieval system in any form or by any means, graphic, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, taping and recording, without prior written permission from the publisher.
British Library Cataloguing in Publication Data:
a catalogue record for this book
is available from the British Library
ISBN 978-14063-3941-3 (ePub)
www.walker.co.uk