Pleasuria

by John J. Jessop

  “One last question. When I talked to Tanya Grayson, she said that the two of you were good friends and you both used to poke fun at Dick Littlething—you know, small hands, small feet, small . . . well, you know. If that’s true, I’m surprised the president of a company would put up with that kind of thing. Is it true? Did you do this in front of other people?”

  “Again, I must confess, after he hit on me I was really pissed. He lied and started a rumor that he had slept with me, and that’s when Tanya and I went after him. We got him pretty good at a couple of the senior management meetings. He had this tiny gold-plated laser pointer that he used with the slides during his quarterly budget presentations. It was a gift from some trade association, and he was proud of it. We used to ask him if he handled his tiny self as gently as he did that tiny laser pointer, and I might have said this in front of a few of the other senior managers. He pretended to ignore it, but his face got so red it would have lit up the room in the dark. I guess that was mean, but he was a bastard and we thought he deserved it.”

  CHAPTER 9

  Sunday morning, a week after his visit to North Carolina, the kids were playing in the basement and Jason and Chelsea were having coffee in the kitchen.

  “Chelse, my commute is killing me, and Northern Virginia’s getting more and more crowded every day. My job is still boring as hell, and being cooped up at home with the kids is driving me crazy. We need to get out of here for a while. How about we take a vacation? I was thinking we should try a camping trip.”

  “I hear you, but how do we take three daughters camping? It’s hard enough to keep them corralled and safe in the house. And we don’t know anything about camping. Where would we even go?”

  “Give me a chance. I’ll look into places to go camping within a reasonable distance of home. Meanwhile, I have a buddy at work that bought a long-wheelbase Ford panel van and had it converted into a camper for him and his wife. He found a place in Maryland that’ll do the conversion for you for a reasonable price.”

  “You’ve lost another marble. But I guess I already knew that. You always go all in on everything. Now you want to go camping, but we can’t just take tents somewhere—you have to buy a van and pay someone to convert it into a camper? How expensive is that? How can you fit all five of us into a single van? And how are you going to afford it if you give up your day job and do this PI thing full-time?”

  Jason just smiled. “Chelse, trust me. I’m not going to quit my day job just yet. And we can set up a long-wheelbase van to hold you, me, and all three girls. I’ll get on the van thing, and once we have that, we can go camping whenever we want.”

  Chelsea didn’t believe he was serious or that he would go to all that trouble. He was just venting frustration, she figured. So, she humored him so he would drop it.

  “Okay, Jason. I’ll go camping with you if you manage to come up with a converted van and find a reasonable place to go camping. I guess the girls would probably enjoy it. So, let’s go camping.” She smiled, shrugged, and figured that was the end of that.

  A month later, Jason drove home in a brand-new long-wheelbase Ford van, converted into a camper. He called Chelsea and the girls out to give them the tour and invited Chelsea inside. She took a seat on the strange-looking couch thing that appeared to serve as a rear seat.

  “The van has been modified for camping, with carpet and a back seat that automatically re-adjusts itself into a comfortable bed at the push of a button.” He pushed a red button on the side of the couch thing, and it began to automatically unfold itself into a bed, carrying Chelsea along with it.

  Chelsea screeched. “Jason, what the hell? Are you trying to kill me?”

  “Stay cool, woman. Just go with the flow. I want you to see how comfortable the bed is.”

  The three girls all laughed, watching their mom slowly recline as the couch automatically flattened into a bed.

  “Mommy has to put a quarter in the cuss jar,” Lucy giggled.

  Jason continued to show them the finer points of the conversion van. “See here? They also included space for a modified crib for Lucy next to the bed, and floor space for sleeping bags for Lizzy and Lilly. I had them modify a crib for Lucy because at her age she’s so active I figured we needed bars to contain her.”

  Lizzy interrupted, “Lucy’s gonna sleep in a baby crib? What do you think about that, little one? You’re still a baby.”

  “Am not a baby,” Lucy cried. “Tell her, Daddy.”

  Jason ignored his daughters and continued. “The windows have been fitted with screens and a small fan for proper ventilation. We’ll all be very comfortable in here, nice and cozy together.” He could hardly wait to take the new van on their first camping trip.

  Chelsea said, exasperated, “I don’t know how you expect both of us to sleep on this bed. You’re six foot seven, and there won’t be enough room for me. And we can’t all live in this thing for an entire weekend. We’ll all go crazy. More important, how much did this monstrosity cost? When we talked about this, I agreed with you because I didn’t think you’d actually go through with it. I just agreed to shut you up. I should’ve known better. Now we’re actually going to go camping, in the woods, with the bugs, and snakes, and bears.”

  “Bugs and snakes and bears? We’re gonna die!” Lizzy groaned.

  “Mommy, I don’t wanna die!” Lucy pleaded.

  “No worries, my children. Daddy will protect you. After all, I am an official private detective, and I am much-man. I even have a gun. I’ll wrestle that bear to the ground and bite off his ear, and if that doesn’t work I’ll shoot him.”

  Chelsea rolled her eyes. “Oh boy, I feel better already. Can we leave the gun at home, though? I’d rather be eaten by a bear than accidentally shot in the ass. And if much-man is going to wrestle a bear, maybe I should increase his life insurance.”

  “Mommy has to put a quarter in the cuss jar,” Lucy said.

  “Chelse, don’t worry about fitting in the van. We’re just going to sleep in it. We’ll bring along a couple of large screened tents too, one for a kitchen and the other as a family room in case it rains. So we’ll have two tents and the entire outdoors as a playroom. It’ll be great.”

  “Judging by the size of the bed, much-man may find himself sleeping in one of the tents, or better yet, in the playroom,” she fired back.

  A couple of weeks later, on a weekend in May, they decided to do a trial run. Jason had them all corralled in the kitchen.

  “I made reservations for a campsite at a small place just outside Front Royal called Land of Lakes State Park. It’s only about an hour away, and if things don’t go well, we can easily flee back to the comforts of home. But what could possibly go wrong on a simple camping trip?”

  Chelsea just rolled her eyes. “Yeah. What could possibly go wrong?”

  Jason loaded up two large tents, packed enough food and clothing for a two-night trip, and they headed out Friday after work. They arrived at the park around seven that evening, just an hour before dusk. It had started raining lightly about a half an hour into the trip, and Jason and Chelsea were already getting a bad feeling. Jason spoke up first, false hope in his voice.

  “No worries, it’s just a light rain. It’ll cool things down, keep the bugs away, and tomorrow will be a beautiful day.”

  Chelsea looked at the girls in the back seat. “No worries. We’re gonna have a great time. We’ll toast marshmallows, and your father will protect us from the bears and stuff.”

  The girls’ eyes got really big. Lilly said, “Bears? Are there really bears?”

  “Mom, there are no bears around here. Are there?” Lizzy asked.

  Lucy cried, “There are too bears. And Daddy said he will protect us. He will wrestle the bear to the ground and bite off his ear.”

  “Don’t worry. Your father will protect us. Won’t you, dear?”

  “Who’s gonna protect me?” Jason smirked.

  “As you are so proud of pointing out, you got a CCW permit with
your PI license, Detective Longfellow. Didn’t you bring your little pistol with you?”

  “I have a 9 mm pistol, and I can’t hit the side of a barn with it. Worse, even if I was able to hit a bear, it would just make him mad. And besides, you told me not to bring it.”

  “My much-man. My protector. Maybe you should have brought your gun. If you threw the thing at the bear and hit him in the head, it might scare him away. And by the way, I did increase much-man’s life insurance to a cool million, so go ahead and wrestle all the bears you want.”

  Jason sighed and kept driving.

  As they drove through the park towards their assigned campsite, Chelsea said, “Oh look, dear, Land of Lakes State Park does, indeed, have three man-made lakes. Or, more accurately, there’s a very small man-made lake, and two man-made mud puddles. Only one of the lakes has actually been filled with water. But the good news is, if it keeps raining, maybe the other two will fill up, too.”

  Jason flinched at her barb as he backed the large van onto their campsite, consisting of a raised gravel platform with retaining wall on the lake side. At least their campsite was located on the lake that actually contained water.

  “Chelse, could you please get out and guide me so I don’t back over the retaining wall, through that small patch of trees and into the lake.”

  She got out and walked around to the back of the van, stationing herself so that he could see her in his side mirror. “Straight back now, slowly, slowly. Just a little more. Stop! You don’t want to put this thing in the lake. I’m betting your fine conversion van won’t float, and our daughters are still inside.”

  “I’m inside too. What about me? Don’t you care if I sink to the bottom of the lake?”

  Chelsea laughed. “Sink to the bottom? Jason, you could stand up in the middle of this so-called lake, and your head would be entirely out of the water.”

  Once he had set the emergency brake, the girls got out and Jason and Chelsea began to unload the tents and set up camp in the light rain. It took well over an hour for them to finish, and by then it was almost dark and they were both soaking wet. Jason said, shaking his head to fling the rain out of his drenched hair, “See, that wasn’t so bad. And now we’re all ready for a good night’s sleep.”

  Chelsea responded, “But dear, we haven’t had dinner yet. I’ll fire up the gas stove and boil us up some hot dogs. Meanwhile, why don’t you corral the girls and do campsite things with them?”

  The rain had subsided for the moment, and Lizzy, Lilly and Lucy had wandered off. Jason said to Chelsea, “I don’t see the girls. Where the hell are they? I hope they didn’t go down by the lake. They don’t have on life jackets, and Lucy can’t swim yet. I better look for them.” He yelled. “Hey, monkeys, where are you? Are you okay?” He said to Chelsea, “I’m going to go find the girls. I’ll be right . . . Aaahh! Shiiiit! Umph!”

  As he jumped off the end of the retaining wall and his feet hit the ground, he slipped in the mud and fell hard on his rear end. The result was a sore rear end and muddy hands. In spite of the pain, he was very worried about the girls, so he bounced right back up and continued on through the trees toward the water’s edge. He yelled to Chelsea, “I’m okay. I’m not dead yet. Stupid rain!”

  When he broke through the trees, he didn’t know how to respond to what he saw. Lizzy and Lilly were standing several feet from the water’s edge, laughing hysterically, and there was poor little Lucy, sitting on a fallen tree trunk, completely naked, her body the bright-blue color of a Smurf. In fact, she looked a lot like Smurfette. The girls had gotten bored with Mom and Dad setting up the tents, and the two older children had taken some chalk from their drawing kit, mixed up a bright-blue concoction with muddy lake water, and used it to paint their little sister head to toe. Lucy was crying, and Jason couldn’t tell if it was from chalk in her eyes, the fact that she was cold, or the fact that her sisters were laughing at her.

  “What did you do?” he bellowed at his two older daughters. “Are you crazy?” To Lucy he said, “Are you okay, little one? Your sisters have lost their minds, and there will be consequences. Let’s get that stuff off of you and get you into some warm clothes.” To the other two, he said, anger in his voice, “You little monsters go to your rooms . . . I mean, go to the van. You’re both banished to the van until I figure out your punishment.”

  It took a while, but Jason finally got Lucy washed clean of the liquid chalk and dressed in warm, dry clothes. Meanwhile, Chelsea had finished fixing hot dogs and beans, and she yelled, “Soup’s on. Come and get it. Come on, girls, the hot dogs are getting cold.”

  But Jason intervened. “Those two need to stay in the van and go without dinner. What they did to their little sister was unacceptable.” He was struggling, because it had been mean, but Lucy had also looked pretty funny and kind of cute all painted blue. Those girls needed to be taught a lesson.

  He walked to the van and opened the side door. “Girls, you need to be nicer to your little sister. What you did to her was terrible, and dangerous. She can’t swim, and you had no business taking her down by the lake without Mom or me. And painting her all blue was just mean.” He realized that he was being ignored. They were watching one of their favorite movies on Lizzy’s laptop, both wearing earbuds. He climbed into the van, closed the laptop, and pulled out their earbuds. “You two are making me crazy. I’m trying to have a family outing. Camping can be lots of fun. But instead you paint your sister blue, and then you plug yourselves into your laptop. What am I going to do with you?”

  Lizzy said, “Well, Daddy, you sent us to our room and we were bored, so we decided to watch a movie. What’s wrong with that?”

  “I sent you to the van as punishment for painting your sister. It’s no punishment if you just watch a movie. You need to sit there and think about what you did wrong.”

  Lilly said, “What’s wrong with what we did? Lucy liked it. She laughed and laughed, until she got cold and started crying. She’s such a big baby.”

  Jason’s eyes started to bulge; his blood pressure soared again, and he yelled, “Chelsea. Help me! Your children are impossible!” He just couldn’t seem to keep up with three daughters. He started mumbling.

  “Three daughters. Help me. One’s a handful, two are barely manageable, and three, well, three are freakin’ impossible. Lucy’s still little, but somewhere between eleven and thirteen they magically change, and at that point I’m completely lost. By that age, they constantly argue and talk back; all of the sudden I’ve turned into the enemy, and somehow, according to them, I’m dumber than a bag of rocks. Sometimes I think, who are you, and what have you done with my sweet little daughters? I have no idea how to talk to them, discipline them, nothing. It’s like being on an alien planet, and the aliens are mysterious, yet somehow familiar, and always hostile.”

  Chelsea walked over to the van, looked in at the girls. “Now, girls. Look what you’ve done. Your father is babbling uncontrollably, poor man. What you did to Lucy was wrong. It was mean and dangerous. I want you to apologize to her, and I never want you to do that again.”

  Lizzy and Lilly looked at Chelsea with their sweetest faces and said in unison, “Yes, Mom. We’re sorry. We’ll apologize to our sister, and we’ll never do that again.”

  “All right then. Now, let’s have some dinner. Hot dogs and beans it is—real camping food.”

  The two girls crawled out of the van and headed for the cooking tent. Chelsea said to Jason, “See, dear. You just have to stay calm, talk to them like adults, and they will respond. Now, let’s eat.”

  Jason screamed inside his head. The girls had gone virtually unpunished, his ass hurt, and he had no idea what had just happened. He mumbled, “When I talk to them, they do nothing but give me lip. When Chelsea talks to them, they do what she says. What am I doing wrong?”

  By the time they finished dinner, it was nine o’clock and it had started raining again. The girls were all wound up, and the tent simply wasn’t big enough for the five of them.
Lucy was especially energized, excited by her new surroundings. Jason and Chelsea were sitting in the kitchen tent, drinking coffee, and the two older girls were as far to the other end of the tent as possible, plugged into their laptops. Jason looked up and yelled, to be heard over the earbuds, “Oh crap, where’s Lucy? Girls, do you know where Lucy went?”

  “I think she just sneaked out of the tent.”

  Then they heard a crash, followed by crying. “Aaaahh! Bleeding. I hurt myself!”

  Jason, the protector, jumped up and fearlessly ran out into the rain to rescue his youngest daughter. He yelled to Chelsea, “She’s okay. She fell off of the retaining wall and landed on her hands and knees. Her pants are torn, her knee and one hand are scratched up, and she’s muddy from head to toe, but she’s okay.”

  Jason carried Lucy into the tent, and Chelsea cleaned her up and bandaged her knee. At that point Jason was exhausted. He said, “Okay, monkeys. Let’s all go to bed. Mom will take you to the restroom, where you can shower and brush your teeth, and then it’s off to bed for the night. We’ll get a good night’s sleep, and start fresh in the morning. I’m sure the rain will let up by then.”