SEAL Firsts

by Sharon Hamilton

  After rubbing her hair with the fluffy white towels Frankie had bought, she combed it out and secured it with an antique clip, and then slipped on her favorite nightgown, noticing her belly almost didn’t fit now. In her bare feet, she made herself a tall glass of ice water with mostly ice. The refrigerator was fully stocked with food. Fresh vegetables and fruit in baggies tucked neatly away. Two steaks marinated in a covered glass dish. Was she looking in on a fictional couple? Or was this part of her life?

  She took her glass back down the hallway to Courtney’s room. The mysterious welcoming committee had glued her daughter’s name to the door in multicolored wooden letters. She brushed over the letters with her fingers, and then opened the door.

  A bouquet of light pink roses, short-stemmed, sat on the baby’s changing table and permeated the air with their sweet fragrance. Above the table, a framed poster was hung, inscribed with the words,

  May you touch dragonflies and stars,

  Dance with Fairies and talk to the moon.

  May you grow up with love and gracious hearts,

  And people who care.

  Welcome to the world, little one.

  It’s been waiting for you. We’ve been waiting for you.

  She walked over to the roses, and touched the letters on the poster. They were hard to read, because her eyes had filled and tears were streaming down her cheeks. She sniffled, overcome by the message T.J. had left for her daughter, the man she had decided to leave for…for what?

  She wiped tears from her cheeks with the backs of her hands, then reached up to touch the words again, like she was touching his face, the man she had decided to leave behind, like her pencil scratch in the costume closet at the theater. Except this wasn’t a memory. This was real time.

  “I thought maybe you’d like it.” T.J.’s voice filled the room, wrapping around her, with that warm, familiar cadence, snagging her heart, squeezing tight, and not letting go. “I have to admit, I got some help from Kate and Gretchen. They helped me pick it out.”

  She turned to find him leaning against the doorway. His long, muscular legs encased in blue jeans above bare feet, a light blue shirt opened to his tanned chest, revealing more muscles than he had a right to. His hips were cocked at an angle, his hands jammed into his front pockets. With his dark hair and blue eyes, the need written all over his face, he was a package she hadn’t been prepared for.

  “It’s beautiful, T.J.”

  “I could say the same about you.”

  He didn’t come over to her, but his eyes drank up the sight of her like it was the last time he’d see her.

  He nodded to her flannel nightie, “I see you’re not quite ready to entertain company. Perhaps I should come back another time, then?”

  “Don’t be silly. You’re here.”

  “Yes, I am, Shannon. I’m here. But where are you?”

  She examined her bare toes. She’d had them done in pink again. Her eyes began to tear up. Where was she? It was a good question.

  “You can barely fit into that nightgown,” he whispered.

  “Watch it.” She gave him a smirk and was rewarded with a tiny smile.

  “But I love how you look, so full. You’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen, Shannon. I mean that.”

  She rested her hands on her stomach. “Never thought I’d need to be reassured.”

  “Oh, honey, I intend to remind you every day and all night long.” His eyes pierced the veneer of her tough outer shell. She took in a deep breath and then walked over to him. “We should talk.”

  He reared back a step. “We will. But I’ve got something to say first, Shannon.”

  The distance between them felt achingly like the Grand Canyon.

  “I love you, Shannon. I love that baby you’re carrying. Whatever you’re going to tell me next, I just want you to know that before we start.” He looked down at his feet and then pleaded with his eyes. “And I’ve missed you. God, I’ve missed you.”

  It was natural to be drawn into his powerful arms, as she stepped in to feel him against her. He was careful. He simply held her tight, massaging the back of her neck at the top of her spine. She could hear his heart beating, strong and true. The sound of his breath surging in and out of his chest cavity washed over her like the soothing sounds of waves at the ocean.

  There was something she had been protecting—what was it, anyway?—and now that protection was falling away. She felt herself open up to him again, and discovered the careful, familiar reassurance that all was well. In his arms, all was well.

  That’s when it hit her. She’d been shielding her heart. As she looked up at him, as his lips found hers, she knew she didn’t have to steel herself against the pain of losing again, losing what she so desperately wanted.

  He was respectful and chaste with his kiss, allowing her to lead. His hands came up to cup her face as he kissed her again, this time deep, but still tender. “Missed you, baby,” he whispered to her lips.

  She unwound from him. “Come. We need to talk, T.J.” She took his left hand and led him to the living room, and then turned to offer him the couch, before she sat next to him. She became self-conscious of her wet hair, but she saw in his eyes that he loved her just the way she was. It was not conditional.

  “Why, why did you do all this, T.J.?”

  “That’s an easy question to answer. Because I love you. Because I’m all in. I think the more important question is, what are your plans, and do they include me?”

  She cocked her head to the side, lowering her gaze, not wanting to look up at him. He took it well. He straightened his back, sitting across from her, the leather couch groaning under his huge frame. He reacted like he’d been given an order, his chest filled, allowing the oxygen of his heavy breathing to calm him. It was what he did when he was nervous.

  “I’ve been trying to sort it all out. Confused, here. I came home with one thing in mind, and now I don’t know—”

  “Well, Shannon, you’re going to have to tell me to pack it up and quit, because not texting me or calling me back, or feeling confused, aren’t going to cut it. You’re gonna have to tell me to stop loving you, because I’m not going to unless you demand that of me.”

  “T.J., don’t,” she pleaded. But what did she really expect him to do? Of course he would react this way.

  “Honey, I’m trying to understand. Did I come on too fast, too strong? Did I push you? Or is it that you don’t like me, or is there someone else? Because I don’t understand why you won’t grab that big brass ring, that juice of life we have here, and go for it.”

  “That’s what I’m trying to do. I thought maybe going home, back to where I was raised, would be good for me and for Courtney.”

  “Away from me, you mean? You want away from me? What have I done to make you want to run away? All I’ve done is love you, honey. Make me understand, please.”

  “I thought it would be good to go home, back to a place where I had happy childhood memories.”

  “So this isn’t your home? This place. You and Frankie bought it right before you got married. I heard you say you never wanted to move. Ever.”

  “That was when Frankie was here with me.”

  T.J. nodded. “Well, that’s true. I’m not Frankie, Shannon. No one will replace Frankie. You’ll never find that, honey.”

  “I don’t want to live in the past, T.J.”

  “Isn’t that what going home is all about? This was your life. This was Frankie’s life. These were the men and women he loved. His community.” He looked up at the ceiling. “Oh, God, Shannon, I was hoping maybe I’d gotten it wrong somehow, but now I can see, you’re just not that into me. As hard as it is, I know I have to accept that and move on.”

  He still wasn’t leaving. He turned and asked her, “Is there anyone else?”

  “No. For heaven’s sake, no!”

  “Then, can I ask you another question?”

  “Fair enough.”

  “Are you going home or runn
ing away?”

  He was right. She was running away.

  “This place, this community scares me,” she had to swallow because her voice wobbled. “Reminds me of what’s changed. It’s like I’ll never be able to escape. I’ll never be on my own.”

  T.J. chuckled at that.

  “What’s so funny?”

  “You don’t understand diddly about being alone. I’ve been alone my whole fuckin’ life and never knew I’d missed anything until I found the SEAL family here. Do you know what it’s like living in a community of people who would gladly die for you?”

  He abruptly stood, walked around the couch and pointed down the hallway to Courtney’s room.

  “We do that. We make it so there are dragonflies and angels and fairies.”

  She quickly turned her back to him, weeping softly, but not wanting to show him her tears.

  He came back, standing in front of her seated body, now uncomfortable because the baby was kicking up a storm as if wanting to be heard.

  “You think it over, Shannon. Say the word, and I won’t bother you again.”

  She was shocked at her own mixture of feelings. She’d been so set on her course, she hadn’t prepared herself for the change of heart she was clearly having. Shannon hadn’t considered this part, hadn’t envisioned it.

  He put his hand on the front door handle, and suddenly the importance of his leaving woke her up. Had she been cat-napping through life? The door he was offering her could give her the world. And she was giving it up…for what? So she could be independent? She could do it on her own, but was that reason enough to do it on her own?

  She knew the answer to that. And she knew she’d fallen for this hero the moment she’d kissed him. And now she was being a complete fool.

  His hulking frame filled the whole doorway as he prepared to step outside and out of her life forever.

  “Wait, T.J.!” She stood and watched as the force of her shout out triggered a jolt in his neck and shoulders. His back was still turned to her. His hand gripped the door handle so tight she thought he might twist it off.

  “Forgive me,” she whispered.

  When she saw his face, she saw his tears. Of course she’d never seen him cry before. They’d spent most of their time either jousting, angling for position, or sparking off each other. Even when she didn’t trust his friendship with Frankie, the passion between them had been strong.

  Was she grown up enough for this big, strong man with a heart the size of all San Diego? Was she ready for the next great adventure? Was she ready to keep the memory of Frankie beside her as she made her life with this man, who she now knew loved her so completely she’d never need to feel alone again?

  And could she handle it if anything happened to T.J.? Would it be worth the incredible pain of possibly losing him in order to live with him in the here and now?

  The answer was yes. He was waiting for that answer. He deserved that answer, she thought as she walked slowly up to him.

  “Yes. T.J, I’ve been a fool. I need your forgiveness. I need your love. I need you.”

  He gathered her in his arms. “I’m right here, baby. Nothing to forgive. Never going to leave you. Never.”

  She knew he’d keep his promise until his dying day. And she would too.

  Chapter 15

  T.J. woke up with a start, and then remembered, unlike the last few mornings he’d awakened, all was well. Finally well.

  Shannon’s warm pregnant body was spooned in front of him. Her hair was all over the pillow, with his nose buried in that space he loved at the base of her skull, the place where her scent was strongest, fine baby hairs tickling his cheeks and sending shivers down his spine. He’d never felt as connected to anyone in his life. His hand smoothed over her giant belly, loving the feel of her ripeness and her motherhood. He couldn’t wait to see the baby Frankie had placed there in her tummy, to love that little girl and let her know what a wonderful father she had. He promised to make sure she knew about Frankie. He could feel Frankie’s love all around him now.

  Shannon stirred. Then she pulled his hand up to her breast, turning her face to his lips, coaxing him to touch her cheeks. “Good morning, sweetheart,” he whispered.

  Her little moan told him she was sleepily aroused. He didn’t want to be too urgent with her, so large with child, but his need was never-ending. He was rewarded when her hand dove down between them, and she gripped his shaft.

  “I love how you’re ready all the time, T.J.”

  “Anyone around you would be ready all the time, Shannon. Would be a fuckin’ freak of nature not to be, honey.” She squeezed him, and he sighed into her ear. “Sorry for the swearing, but sometimes…” She squeezed him again, and he couldn’t think straight.

  “You can swear all you like to me, T.J., as long as it’s in bed. I love it when you tell me you like to fuck me. That’s not swearing. It turns me on.”

  “Thank God. We’re both blessed with the potty mouth gene.”

  “Should I take your cock in my mouth?”

  “Um. Would you?”

  “I’d love to.”

  Sure as shit, she slid down the bed, her nipples leaving a tingling sensation when they rubbed along his lower abdomen, and then pertly nestled against his thighs as she took him between her lips and sucked.

  He laced his fingers through her mass of brown hair at his chest. He slid one hand down to her cheek and mouth and felt where her lips covered and pleasured him. Her belly nudged its way between his legs when he separated his knees. Warm pregnant Shannon was the most exciting sexual partner he’d ever known. This unexpected pleasure was something that filled all the gaping holes in his soul.

  She was moaning, coaxing him harder, and working to make him spill, ravenous with that tongue of hers.

  “Baby, love this, baby,” he whispered. He pulled the hair from her face so he could see her. “Love watching you going down on me Shannon.”

  She smiled, pulled her mouth to his tip and sucked as her eyes gave him a sultry smile that ignited the bed sheets. He was so damned lucky. She loved like she lived, with a full heart and spirit. She had some magic he’d never felt before with any other woman, as if being around her would be just plain good for him. That her essence was good for him. Made him a stronger, better man. This gave him more than the erotic pleasure he craved, it gave him life itself.

  She took his seed, drawing every drop from him and then asking for more. She was writhing on the bed as he spurted, taking him deep. Her fingers clutched his butt cheeks as she pulled him to her. When he was done, she kissed his thighs and smoothed her hands up his lower abdomen, kissing him all the way to his belly button. Then she snuggled under his chin as he pulled the covers over them both.

  He reveled in the warmth between them, the way they just seemed so right for each other. They’d come together like two comets in the sky that should have exploded on impact, but instead fused together and became a brilliant supernova. The bright light of their love was strong, their desire fierce. He’d always known Shannon was like this, but that she could be like this with him, well that was the real miracle.

  He rubbed his fingers against her shoulder while he thought about all the dumb things he and Frankie had done together, all the times he had made Shannon furious with him. Frankie always seemed to walk away unscathed, leaving him to battle with Shannon. Now he saw why. He and Shannon were so much alike they were the same side of the same coin. Her intensity was what he craved as sure as he loved that in himself.

  He could tell by her breathing she wasn’t going to fall asleep.

  “What do you want to do today, sweetheart?” he asked.

  “Um. This,” she said, kissing and flicking a tongue over his nipple.

  “You surprise me, sweetheart.”

  “Didn’t anyone ever tell you that a woman has lusty thoughts when she’s pregnant? She has certain needs?”

  She looked up at him, and yes, he could see it in her eyes.

  “Love tho
se needs. You can show them all you like.”

  She smiled and snuggled her face under his chin. “We won’t be able to do this too much longer. But we can for now. I want all I can get while I feel I can.”

  “I want to be careful too.”

  “You’re careful, T.J. You’re the most tender lover I’ve ever had.” She looked up at him again, and he was nearly hard already.

  He chuckled. No one had ever told him that.

  “What’s so funny?”

  “I’m not normally known for my tenderness, honey, but with you, it’s just the way I love to be.”

  “Because I’m carrying a baby, T.J. Our baby, little Courtney. We’ll love her together. And then maybe later, you can show me some of your other side.”

  Her eyes called to him again, daring him to summon his strength. He couldn’t wait until after the baby, when he could exhaust her and make her bones turn to rubber.

  Shannon wanted him to move in right away. She dressed in one of Frankie’s big shirts and her drawstring pants and announced she was going to help him move. That day.

  “No hurry on all this, Shannon. I can get it. Not like there’s a ton of stuff.”

  “All the better to do it now. And besides, I’m big, or haven’t you noticed?” She pulled her shirt up, and damn, every time she showed him her bare tummy with the belly button that had started becoming an outie he grew hard. He silently cursed himself, but she had such an enormous effect on him, he could hardly be in the same room with her without getting hard.

  T.J. promised he’d get things moved over in the afternoon.

  “No. We. Do. It. Now.”

  “Shannon, honey, my place is—”

  “I know. A bachelor pad. You probably never anticipated having to entertain me there.”

  “I never entertain there period.” Even before Frankie had married Shannon, the two of them had little in the way of furniture, using cardboard boxes for tables where they cleaned their weapons while watching the TV set perched atop some fruit crates. They hadn’t bothered to buy a couch, chairs, or even a dinette set. But they did have the biggest TV they could afford and a gas-fired barbeque. Frankie’s room was bare, since T.J. hadn’t had time to get another roommate.