Scars and Secrets (Loose Ends Book 1)

by Avril Ashton

  “I listened as you gave him the sounds you used to give me.” Donovan’s hold on Levi’s arm fell away, but his teeth clamped down on Levi’s ear as Donovan pushed against him. “They belonged to me. Still fucking do. When I got on my grown man shit, put on that suit and tie and said ‘I do’, that meant they were mine. You. Were. Mine.”

  Levi closed his eyes. This was his weakness. This. Donovan touching him. Seven years and he had yet to build a good fucking defense against that shit. “We were a lie.”

  “That’s what you say.” Donovan’s lips against Levi’s neck drew shivers. “But you know better. You know gasoline’s got nothing on us when we burn. And you know the realest shit is you and me, when we touch.”

  The things Levi knew could barely fill an eyedropper.

  “I want us back,” Donovan rasped against Levi’s nape. “I want my husband back. That kid with your face and Gia’s eyes who stole my heart, I want him back. I’ve waited seven years, and I refuse to wait another day.”

  “No.” Levi shook off the hold Donovan had on him, both physical and mental, and spun, pushing Donovan way with a hand on his chest. “You don’t get to fuck up the way you did, and then come through thinking I want back on your body so badly that I’d forgive your shit. Fuck you if you think that. Fuck you.”

  One corner of Donovan’s mouth lifted. “But you want back on it, don’t you?” His lashes lowered and he smirked. “That was you last night? Ass open for me. The scratches on my back, palm prints on my ass right now? That was you in fucking beast mode. I want you back on it.”

  Levi shook his head. The back and forth was exhausting. “I can’t be who you want me to be.”

  “Who do I want you be?”

  “The guy from back then. Your husband.” The idiot who didn’t know any better. “I’m not that guy.” The things he’d been through, all he’d seen and done in the years since he’d walked away from Donovan, no way could he still be that naïve guy who’d fallen for Donovan’s lies. Nowadays he trusted no one.

  Nobody.

  Donovan simply shrugged at his words. “I want you. Who you are now. In this moment, in this space. You’re Levi, you’re my husband, and I want you.”

  Nice words. Levi remembered that about him. Donovan always had the pretty word.

  “I have a brother,” Donovan said. “Met him for the first time the other day.”

  “You—” Levi cleared his throat, trying to keep up with the subject change. “You do?”

  “Yeah.” Donovan leaned against the kitchen counter, gaze turning intense as he stared at Levi. “When I found out, I thought of you first. Every time something happens, I think of you first.”

  “Don—”

  “I hurt you, and for that pain I am sorry.”

  “Fuck. You didn’t just hurt me, Donovan.” Unable to help himself, Levi went to him. Goddamn it. He couldn’t fucking fight the pull. “A paper cut hurts.” Emotion turned his voice hoarse. “A stubbed toe hurts. You…” Levi touched Donovan’s face, dragged his knuckles over his bearded jaw. “The man I love, the man I trusted, the man I let into my life. You. You broke me. You crippled me. You destroyed me. You never lifted a hand, but you struck me down.”

  “Levi.”

  Levi dropped his hand from Donovan’s face. “Who do you love more, the naïve, clueless man you married back then, or this version of me, all weak and stunted from your betrayals, unable to get up or move on because I’m still so tied up in you?”

  Donovan hauled him close, into his arms, against his chest. “You’re not weak.” He pushed Levi back a bit then clutched his face with both hands. “You’re not weak.” Donovan’s breath hitched. “You’re the best thing that ever happened to me, and I fucked it up. I fucked us up, but it’s not on you. It’s all on me. Let me make it right.” His hold gentled on Levi’s face. “Let me make it right.”

  There was no making it right, Levi knew that. But standing here, with Donovan’s hands on him, surrounded by the memory of how good they used to be together, Levi still hoped. He still wanted. He still needed.

  “I loved you.” They were anguished, those three little words, but he hadn’t intended them to be. “I loved you.”

  “I know.” Donovan kissed his brow, his nose. “I know.” He muttered that against Levi’s lips, fingers gripping the back of Levi’s t-shirt, grazing his skin. Then he lifted his head, holding Levi’s gaze with eyes shadowed with lust and want as he went to his knees.

  Levi could’ve stepped back, stopped it. But he stayed where he was, accepted Donovan’s hands on him.

  He was due.

  Heart thundering in his chest, Levi widened his stance. He’d have spoken, but he was beyond words. All he had was this and Van understood well enough because his lips curved and he unbuckled Levi’s belt, yanked his zipper down.

  They’d done this a million times before. This position, Van on his knees before Levi. They’d loved like this before. Seeing Donovan like this now had emotion blurring Levi’s vision. It was impossible not to love this man when he gazed up at Levi like that, eyes wide and hungry, but waiting for Levi’s lead.

  Sometimes he waited. Sometimes he didn’t, and they used to be comfortable in each other to accept everything. Now wasn’t that different.

  Last night was last night.

  This morning Van wanted permission, and Levi granted it with a jerky nod.

  Van palmed him, pulled his cock out of his boxers.

  “Argh!” The contact had his body burning. Sweating. Words came back in a rush as Donovan stroked him. “God, yes.” He tipped his head back, eyes shut as he reached out blindly, fingers sliding over Donovan’s skull as Levi tilted his hips forward, and brought Donovan where he wanted him.

  Lips closed around him. Around the tip.

  Levi shuddered. “Mother. Fuck.” That mouth, still so Goddamn deadly. His heart leapt in his chest, and he fought for calm. For breath. “God. Work that throat on me,” he rasped. “Want it deep.”

  Van groaned around him, tongue sliding, saliva dripping, throat working as he took Levi deep like he wanted. Blunt fingers dug into his hip, the pleasure of Van’s throat fucking his dick dulling that pain. Breath rattled in his chest, and Van’s own labored breathing amped shit up.

  He gasped around Levi, head bobbing, wrist twisting as he stroked and sucked. He liked that, a dick in his mouth. So Levi bent over him, grabbing him by the nape to halt Van’s decent back on his cock. The other man’s eyes were closed, but he opened them for Levi.

  Brown eyes gone black with that sex hunger. Lips stretched around Levi’s length. Levi guided him back on, nice and slow, until Van’s nose was pressed against his lower belly. He held him there while thrusting deep with his hips.

  Loving the sounds Van made. Panic for breath beat out by his need for it.

  “Fucking mouth,” Levi had to speak. Had to tell him how good it was. That throat. “Want to say in it,” he murmured. “Stay right the fuck here, so fucking deep in your neck, you sucking me until your jaw’s all sore.”

  He pulled out just as slowly as he’d gone in, and Van’s hold on him tightened. Eyes widening. Throat working to keep Levi in there.

  “Beg me to stay there,” Levi said as he pulled all the way out from between Van’s lips. Precum and spit mixed, dripping where he rested the head of his cock, against Van’s chin, soaking his beard. “Beg me to fuck your throat.”

  Van’s breath were harsh gasps. Gaze shining as he gazed up with Levi. Fuck, he was different on his knees. Always different.

  “Fuck my throat.” His voice rattled, but Van didn’t seem to care. He opened his mouth in a wide O, tipped his head back. “Fuck my face.” His body shook. “Do whatever the fuck you want. Please.”

  So wrong, but still so fucking good.

  Their problems wouldn’t go away, but they’d earned a reprieve. Levi took that and canted his hips, plunging back into Van’s mouth. He gagged, but Levi stayed right where he was, and Van was soon sucking him again, spi
t soaking Levi’s cock and dripping down onto his balls.

  “Best head,” Levi grunted when Van’s tongue dipped into his slit. “Best fucking head.” He’d missed that, having his way with Van’s throat.

  Van hummed around him, a sound of pleasure.

  Levi rocked on the balls of his feet, hand on the back of Van’s head, pushing into his face. More. More. More. He was overloading. Too much pleasure too damn fast.

  The smells and sounds of them. His moans and Van’s grunts. The wet, slick sounds as Van’s throat worked him. Too much, but they had seven years to make up for. And Levi wanted way more than Van’s mouth on his spit-soaked dick.

  “More.” His voice broke. “I want more.”

  Van’s eyes opened, and two fingers moved from Levi’s balls to slide over his ass, tracing his hole. He widened his stance with his pants around his ankles as those fingers pushed into him.

  Yess. Goddamn. “Ahh!” He was still so tender from last night and a sweet burn pulsed in his balls. “Yes.”

  The fingers scissored inside his ass, stretching Levi, bowing his body and his legs wobbled, gave out. Levi crashed to the floor on his knees. Van’s mouth was off his dick, but those fingers stayed in him, digging deep. He rode them, mouth open, gaze on Van, fingers curling around his cock, pulling hard, hips slamming forward.

  “God. God.”

  Donovan’s expression had changed from prey to predator, making Levi tingle. Goddamn. Just that determined glint in Van’s eyes had him reaching for orgasm.

  But Donovan pulled his fingers out.

  “Fuck.” Levi’s body didn’t like that shit. He didn’t pause jerking his cock as he glared at Donovan. “I want those fucking fingers.” He panted. “Put them back.” It was threat and an order, but fuck that. He was entitled.

  Donovan’s eyes were hooded, lips curved as he held Levi’s gaze and spread out on the kitchen floor. His face was a study in dark lust, harsh and sharp lines, and Levi stared. He forgot he was stroking his cock for a second, and just stared at Donovan, still fully dressed, while Levi wore just his t-shirt, having discarded his pants and boxers.

  Donovan crooked a finger. “I want you on my face.” Those eyes burned Levi. “I want your ass smothering me as I eat it. Come the fuck here.”

  God. Levi went to him, crawling because he sure as fuck wasn’t about to walk after those words. He lifted himself up over Van’s head, knees planted on either side.

  “Yess.” Need weighed Van’s voice down. “Put it on my tongue.”

  Damn it. Levi was a mess, but he managed to lower himself onto Van’s stiffened tongue. Two hands grabbed his ass cheeks as that stiffened tongue zeroed in on his hole, speared him. Fucking him.

  “Jesus Fuck.” He moaned, flinging a hand out to grab onto the nearby table before he face-planted.

  Van’s wet tongue slid over and into him, as insistent fingers pulled his cheeks apart, opening him wider. Levi rocked on his mouth, stroking his cock with his other hand, slamming up and down on Van’s face.

  This shit was always too damn much. Their sex was always too fucking crazy. Right now he loved both. Knuckles white against the edge of the table headboard, he put his weight on Van’s face, eyes squeezed shut, heart in his throat as he tried to avoid the orgasm that reared up violently.

  “Van.” He was coming, shaking, breath stuttering. “Oh God.” He fucked himself on that hungry tongue, Van’s wet grunts nudging him right over the edge. Levi came with a hoarse cry, cum shooting out between his fingers. He opened his eyes and eased back just enough for it to drip out between his fingers and drop onto Van’s cheek and nose.

  The other man arched, mouth opening in a silent shout, body convulsing as he came in his jeans, eyes open and pinned on Levi.

  He collapsed onto Van’s chest, and immediately rolled off him, avoiding eye contact as he grabbed his underwear and jeans and put them back on. His hands shook, his balls and ass ached so Goddamn good.

  He sat next to Donovan on the floor, silent. They’d established that their physical connection remained as intact as ever.

  What about the rest?

  ****

  Van’s cum stuck to his pubes, and his body hummed something warm and languid, but he swiped a finger through Levi’s seed drying on his face. Licked it off and shuddered.

  Damn. It.

  He straightened and leaned close so his lips could hover over Levi’s. Touching, but not.

  “When we kissed for the first time I thought we could be something real,” he whispered. “But the first time I went ass up for you, I knew it was a wrap. My job. My heart. A wrap. There’s no game like your penetration game.” Levi closed his eyes, but Van gripped him by the chin. “Look at me.” When Levi lifted his lashes, Van kissed him, thrusting his tongue inside, giving Levi a taste of himself.

  Their tongues tripped over each other, aggressive, biting, a kiss more desperate than it had a right to be after what they just did. But Levi kissed him hard then slow, as if he couldn’t decide if he wanted to punish Van or savor him. Van didn’t mind either way.

  “I lied to get you,” Van told him when they came up for air. “And once I had you, I never wanted to let you go. So that meant lying to keep you.” When Levi opened his mouth to speak, Van cut him off. “Regretting that means regretting everything else, and I don’t give a fuck what anyone says,” he said fiercely. “I will never regret loving you.”

  “Donovan.” Levi’s voice was soft, body leaning heavily on Van. Lips wet off of Van’s kisses, gaze heavy. Still the sexiest man Van had ever seen. Hottest man he’d ever touched.

  “Why don’t you call me Van anymore?” he asked.

  Levi stared at him, liquid brown eyes incredulous. “Van is the man I was married to, the man I trusted with my life.” Said so matter-of-factly, like Van should already know this.

  “Who is Donovan to you?”

  Lips pursed, Levi shrugged. “I don’t know him.”

  Forlorn. Those words broke off the last pieces of Van’s heart. He cupped Levi’s cheek. “Yeah, you know him. You just had him on his knees with that dope dick in his mouth, babe.”

  “Van and I had more than sex.” Levi licked his lips and shook his head. A resigned look fell across his face. “Van and I had a life together.”

  “I want that back.” Van tightened his hold on Levi briefly before easing up. “I want that back,” he whispered again as he put his forehead against Levi’s. “My heart is missing. Nothing else matters except getting back what we had. Give me a chance.” He’d always been prolific in begging for Levi. “Please.”

  “I take you back, and what?” Levi asked. “You vow to be a better man?”

  Van snorted. “Fuck better. I just want to be your man.”

  “I’m tired.” Levi tapped his forehead against Van’s. “I’m tired, Donovan. I’ve been running and hiding, and lying. I’ve been hating you and missing you.” He paused, lifted his head. “It’s so easy for you to say shit, I know that first hand. It’s easy for you to promise me all kinds of shit. It would also be easy for me to accept it, and take you back.”

  Van licked his lips. “But?”

  A stricken look paled Levi’s face. “What you did to us, what you did to me, it still hurts.”

  Van’s heart nosedived from his throat to his toes.

  “Once you’ve been hurt, you get so scared to get attached again,” Levi said softly. “There’s this inescapable fear that everyone else will break your heart.” His mouth drew into a thin, firm line. “You broke my heart once, and I can’t-I don’t trust you with it. My body’s different. My body only knows pleasure, your pleasure. But my heart…” He shook his head. “Do you get that, do you understand?”

  “Yes.” He understood perfectly.

  “You’re different.” Levi touched Van, traced his collar bone with one finger. Heaven. After being in the fucking pits of hell for seven years, everything about this was heaven. “I’ve smelled the liquor on you, and your pupils? Blown.” He sw
allowed. “Only time I’d seen your pupils blown was when I was fucking you.”

  Van couldn’t hide the grin. “That’s that penetration game, babe.”

  “What are you taking?”

  It sat on the very tip of Van’s tongue, the lie. The denial. “Pills. And the liquor.” He hesitated then said, “I just came off a job. Coke was involved.”

  Levi recoiled.

  Fuck. “I’m sorry.” Van grabbed his arm. “I’m off it, I swear.” Worst time of his life.

  “Anything for the job, right?” Levi barked a pained laugh. “Anything for the job, doesn’t matter if it destroys you. Or us.” He pushed Van away and got to his feet. “Your job comes first, and you’ll do it every fucking time despite the toll it takes. Even if it destroys you.”

  “That’s not true.” Van grabbed Levi’s foot, the one nearest him, halting Levi’s retreat. “I’m done with that shit. Dutch knows it. I’m just here for us. I’m done, Levi.”

  His husband laughed. “Your loyalty to Dutch far surpasses any you might still have for me.” Levi walked away.

  Chapter Ten

  Van walked out onto the balcony later that evening and stopped. He and Levi had avoided each other since that morning in the kitchen. The last thing Van wanted was silence between them, but Levi apparently didn’t feel the same.

  His husband sat out on the balcony now, his back to Van as he stared down at something in his palm. Another step took Van close enough for him to peer over Levi’s shoulder. He was holding the gold chain he’d ripped from Van’s neck earlier, staring at the simple gold ring. Van’s wedding ring. As he watched, Levi stroked it reverently with a thumb, head bowed. The sight gave Van hope. Maybe he was a fool, but yeah, it gave him hope.

  Levi no longer wore his ring, and Van didn’t even know if he still had it or if he’d tossed it in the trash the second he’d left Van. But it didn’t matter. Van could never throw away that ring. It meant too much, symbolized even more.

  He went to Levi, stood next to the plastic chair he sat in. The other man’s shoulders stiffened and he immediately closed his palm around the chain and ring, hiding it from Van’s view. But he didn’t look up. He didn’t glance in Van’s direction.