by Eve R. Hart
I left the peacefulness of my room with heavy steps, it was as if my body was doing everything in its power to keep me back. But I wasn’t a fucking coward and as much as I wanted to avoid the whole situation, I was more worried about how Gwen was doing.
I hit the doorway to the living room to find Sketch sprawled out on the couch in only his boxers. A sight I wasn’t prepared for or needed to see first thing in the morning. Or ever, really. I only managed to make it two steps towards the kitchen when his body sat up with an alertness that wasn’t normal. His eyes wide as he scanned the area.
“Hey,” I said in a calm tone. His eyes landed on me and I could see the instant sag of his body as he relaxed.
“Yo,” he said in a rough, groggy tone as he stretched. “Fuck, I need some coffee.”
“Yeah, me too.”
I made my way to the kitchen without saying anything else. I didn’t know much about his story and I wasn’t about to call him out in any way. The last thing I wanted to do was make him feel uncomfortable or embarrassed.
I set to work making a pot of coffee. Thinking of how many people were in the house, I pulled out four mugs from the cabinet and set them out on the island.
“Did I miss anything?” I asked Sketch as he rounded the corner into the kitchen a few minutes later fully dressed.
“Nah,” he replied as he poured himself a cup of coffee and opened the fridge. “Was quiet in there.” I watched as he poured creamer into his coffee until it turned a color that coffee should never be.
“Why the fuck do you drink coffee if you gotta put that much shit in it?” I asked, shaking my head.
“Eh, just better this way. I can drink it without, but the thing is, I don’t have to. It’s all about the little luxuries in life. And I, for one, will take advantage of them all.” He shot me a smirk that was half cocky and half joking, but I could see the intensity in his eyes of how he felt about what he’d just said.
I may not have had a personal understanding of how it would feel to go without in life, but I got what he was saying.
“Eggs?” I asked pulling the carton out of the fridge.
“Fuck yeah.”
I got busy working on a full breakfast. Eggs, bacon, and some premade biscuits. Sketch sat at the island and we both seemed to be lost in our thoughts for a long while.
“So, whatcha gonna do about that?” he asked with a jut of his thumb in the direction of Gwen’s room. I set a full plate down in front of him. I stood and leaned back against the counter as I looked at him.
“What can I do?” I blew out a harsh breath and rolled my bottom lip between my teeth. “She made it very clear last night that she wasn’t happy with me. I fucked up yet again and apparently, I’m the reason she came home in that state.”
“Oh yeah?”
“Yeah. Tara came out and basically ripped me a new one right after you scurried away like a bitch.” I let out a short laugh.
“Not sorry, bro. Something about that chick…” He looked down and shook his head.
I wanted to know what the hell he was trying to say but I could tell that words escaped him right then. I wasn’t sure if he was saying something good or bad. Hell, for all I knew he had a crush on her and didn’t know how the fuck to deal with it. He wasn’t giving anything away.
I hadn’t really given much thought to Tara other than her being Gwen’s friend. She seemed nice enough and Gwen seemed to be happy around her. That should have been enough for me, but maybe I was somehow wrong about the whole thing. Maybe I needed to open my eyes.
My gaze shifted to the doorway as the sound of bare feet walking across the floor hit my ears. Tara appeared looking a bit out of place as she stood just beyond the threshold to the kitchen. She still had on the dress she wore last night, though it looked a bit rumpled. Her hair and makeup were a mess, but she didn’t seem to care as she looked at Sketch then me. It seemed like the heels had been long left behind and I wondered if she had something to go home in. Or if she was even planning on leaving.
Truth was, I wanted her gone. I needed to check on Gwen without the little guard dog around. And at that moment, I didn’t give a shit if Gwen wanted to talk to me or not. There were things that needed to be said. Words and actions that had happened that needed to be addressed. And while I didn’t think I was completely in the right, I knew I wasn’t all the way in the wrong either.
“Um, hey,” she said in a timid whisper and actually looked a bit sheepish. Maybe she regretted her words to me last night. I didn’t care. I didn’t put much stock in her or what she thought. If she wasn’t Gwen’s friend I probably wouldn’t look twice at her. I wasn’t trying to be mean, it was just the way it was. “I need to head home and…”
I waited for the rest of the sentence but got nothing. Her eyes darted to the floor for a second, then her spine straightened as she looked back up at me.
“Well, she’s still asleep. I would leave her alone. I don’t think she wants to see you.” She bent down and pulled on her shoes which I hadn’t even realized were next to the door. “Okay, bye.”
Then she was gone and Sketch and I were left looking at one another with confused looks plastered on our faces.
“Weird,” he mumbled as he shook his head and took a big bite of his biscuit. “You’re not going to listen to her, are you?”
“Nope,” I said, placing my plate in the sink then wiping my hands off on my jeans.
“Yeah, fuck. I’m not sticking around for whatever shit is about to go down. What the fuck happened anyway?”
I blew out a long breath and pushed my hair off of my face. What did happen? I barked. She yelled. She said some things and left. What more was there really to say? Okay, so there was a lot more to it than that but I didn’t even know how to start. Truth was, what happened had come with a lot of history. A history that I wasn’t in the mood to share.
“I don’t even know where to begin.”
“Well, from where I stand, it’s fucking obvious that the two of you mean more to each other than either one of you will admit. But, not my business, right?”
With that, he slapped me on the shoulder and headed out.
The silence around me was suffocating. My head spun and I wondered what things would be like if she hadn’t come back into my life. Which was worse, to always imagine what she was doing or to be right there seeing it but not actually being a part of it?
“Fucking shit,” I mumbled to the empty room. “When the fuck did I turn into such a pussy?”
A beat went by like I was waiting for the universe to answer me.
All my anger seemed to move to my hand as I snatched a cold bottle of water out of the fridge. Then, with hesitant steps, I made my way to her room.
Should I knock? Or just bust the fuck in?
At one time in my life, I wouldn’t have even thought twice, I would have been in that bed beside her in a heartbeat, making sure she was alright and doing my best to take care of her. But that was then.
“Gwen?” I said, my voice thick and gruff.
“Yeah,” Gwen said in a raw whisper.
“I’m coming in.” I left no room for argument.
The light spilled in through the thin curtains. My eyes scanned the room, seeing it a disaster of clothes and God knew what else strewn about. It was like a tornado had hit the room and I had a pretty good idea that this was the remnants of her and Tara getting ready the previous night. For the most part, Gwen was tidy, her clothes were always put away neatly. She’d always been that way.
Her back was to me, the comforter pulled up around her neck. She didn’t roll over as I made my way further into the room, doing my best to step around the explosive piles. I flopped down on the bed, my back resting against the wood headboard. I made sure to keep enough space between us so she didn’t feel like I was closing in on her. Condensation dripped off of the bottle as I reached over her and set it lightly next to her pillow.
“Thanks,” she said, unmoving.
“I did
n’t think you’d be up,” I said and I hated how strained things were between us.
“I don’t want to be. I tried to close my eyes and go back to sleep but I just can’t.”
I nodded, though I wasn’t sure she could see it. The silence stretched out and I wondered which one of us would be the first to break it.
“What happened last night?” I asked trying my best to keep the anger out of my voice. I didn’t expect her to go deeper than surface level and that was what I was wanting right then. I needed to know what happened after she stormed out of the apartment. Truth was, I wasn’t ready to dive into the issue of us.
“I don’t know. I went out. Some random place. I drank and danced.” She took in a shuttered breath and I waited, letting her have the lead on this conversation. “I had a couple of shots and a rum and coke when I got there. Then I danced for a long time. Tara had another drink waiting for me when I got off the dance floor, something fruity and too sweet. I remember drinking that and I think I maybe have asked for another…maybe. I can’t remember, but I do remember at some point Tara put a fresh drink in my hand and I was aware enough to realize that I could drink it because she handed it to me. Not some random person.”
“Then what?” I pushed.
“Then everything got fuzzy. I don’t even know when or how I got back here.” I could hear the shakiness in her voice. I should have comforted her but I was too busy trying to stomp down my anger.
She danced. With who? Some fucking douchebag that probably had his hands all over her. Was she into it? Did she want to go home with him?
I couldn’t stop my mind from spinning out of control and I realized it was unfair. But, fuck, sometimes I couldn’t help but feel like if I couldn’t have her then there was no one out there that deserved her. Shitty of me, I fucking knew it. She’d always been mine, even when we were apart. I wished more than anything we could be two different people, with completely different circumstances. But we weren’t. We were closely weaved together in a web that intertwined with too many outside factors. Her dad. My dad. The club.
“I don’t drink a lot and I guess I just didn’t realize how it would hit me. It was stupid, I know. You don’t have to say it.”
By her tone, I could tell that I didn’t need to lash out and tell her how irresponsible she had acted and what could have happened to her. Instead, I needed to thank the fucking stars that nothing did happen to her. And thank fuck for Sketch, too. I owed that dude big.
“You just…” she said and I could hear the frustration ringing clear in her voice. “You made me so fucking mad.”
“I know.” I left out the fact that she, too, had pissed me right the fuck off. Especially thinking she should wear something like what she had on out.
“I thought…” There was a pause and I waited for her to continue. Her voice was so raw sounding that I wondered if it hurt her to talk. After a moment she cleared her throat and tried again. “I thought we could do this—that I could do this, start new and have some kind of friendship with you. Forget the past, what the fuck was I thinking, right?”
She let out a strained, breathy chuckle at the same time a heavy sigh fell from my lips. This wasn’t the way I wanted things to go, but I had no idea what I should say or do. I wanted to reach out and touch her. I wanted to push the comforter off of her and run my fingers along her skin. I knew what she was about to say was going to fucking wreck me and I feared this would be the last time that I would be this close to her.
But I didn’t do any of that. I stayed there frozen, staring at her back, the uneven rise and fall of her body that let me know that she was doing her best to hold her emotions back.
Gwen wasn’t the type to cry at the drop of a hat. She wasn’t the kind of girl that whined and bitched over every little thing. Or got upset over something small. She didn’t generally break down in front of people. That was how I knew that last night had been a breaking point for her. I was to blame, there was no way I could even try and deny that. As much as I wanted to live in the happy little bubble where we could have reworked our friendship, I knew it was a matter of time before the hidden pressure forced our world to explode.
“I spent so many years wondering what happened to us. I mean, you were part of my life, hell, you were part of me. But then it was like you flipped a switch and gave some super confusing and lame excuse why we couldn’t be friends anymore, then you were off living a life where I never existed. Or that’s how it felt.”
“Gwen…” I whispered wishing I could tell her how hard it was for me, too. That it killed me to walk away from her that night even if it was possibly the best thing for both of us. Especially back then. It was a weird time in my life and I didn’t understand the things that were happening. The strange shift that I could feel starting to take place. I didn’t know what was the right thing to do. I thought I was protecting her, and maybe myself, too.
“No. I need to get this all out,” she said when I took too long to speak again. “The friendship we once had was one that can never be replaced. And now, I think I realize that it can’t be fixed either. Somehow we’ve turned toxic for one another and I don’t think there is a single thing either of us can do to fix it.”
The bed shifted and I realized that she had brought her hand up to wipe her nose. She was trying her hardest, but I knew she could no longer hold back.
“I’m not the same little girl. That’s the thing, Knight,” she said but still refused to roll over and look at me. “I’m not a little girl at all. I can take care of myself. I know how the world is. I’m not naïve or blind. I’m twenty-one and I’ve been doing it on my own for three years now. And you—you aren’t the same carefree boy that didn’t even have to be around me to know I was upset. The same one that brought me treats to try and cheer me up. You’re older and harder and sometimes I look at you and don’t even see the same person.
“I thought that if we could have some sort of new friendship that I could still be close to you. But I don’t even know who I’m trying to get close to. So, I think I was right when I said we should leave the past in the past, but I think that the us part should stay there, too.”
“If that is what you think is best.” What else could I say to that? Really? I mean there were a million things running through my brain. A million emotions punching me in the chest.
“Let’s just make it through this year. For my dad’s sake because it will be one less thing for him to stress about. Once I graduate, I can move out and we won’t have to worry about it anymore.”
With that, she snuggled down further into the comforter. The conversation was over. She didn’t want to talk anymore.
A heavy sigh pushed its way out of my lungs as I tried to find the strength to move. I thought that if I had her closer, just let her in a little, that it would be enough for both of us. But it seemed that I had fucking gotten it wrong again.
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
Gwen
A few days had passed since the whole breakdown incident, as I had started to refer to it in my mind. I was taking refuge in the new coffee shop I’d found. Royally Brewed was a bit of a walk from the apartment, but the good thing was that it was far from the campus and in the middle of the afternoon, like right now, it was often quiet. As much as I liked people watching and overhearing other people’s conversations, I did have to actually get some studying done if I was going to keep my GPA up.
“Hi,” the guy behind the counter said to me with the same wide smile he always gave me. I wasn’t sure if he had started to recognize me or if he was just overly friendly. Either way, I’d take that smile, because it was the kind of smile that was infectious. I suddenly didn’t have a bad or heavy feeling anywhere inside me. “What can I get you today?”
“Um,” I paused looking up at the menu, though I wasn’t sure why, because I always got the same thing.
A light huff of a laugh caused my eyes to snap back to the guy. His face was still warm so I got the feeling he wasn’t getting impatient
or making fun of me.
“I’m sorry,” he said when I raised a brow at him. “It’s just, you do this every time you come in here and then order the same thing. Large raspberry mocha with an extra shot. Whole milk but no whipped cream. Right?”
I let out a breathy laugh.
“You never know, one of these days I could come in here and surprise you by ordering something completely different. But yes, I’ll take that today.” I smiled as I pulled out my card and swiped it.
“Okay,” he said moving off to make my drink. “But when you do, it has to be something insane. You can’t just switch from raspberry mocha to like a mint chocolate one.”
“No?”
“No.” He gave a little shake of his head and a lock of his light brown hair fell on his forehead. “It’s gotta be like a small red eye with steamed milk and two pumps each of—chocolate, blueberry, and almond.”
“That sounds…” My face scrunched up with disgust. I couldn’t imagine that tasting good at all.
“Terrible? Yes, I know, because I’ve tried it.”
“Oh, God. Why?” I said with a laugh.
“Because this guy came in and actually ordered it one time and I just had to know, you know?” He made his way back over to me and set the cup on the counter in front of me. “Never again.”
“I would say not. Thank you.” I said with a nod as I took my cup.
I found a table in the corner, away from the door and any windows. In other words, away from anything that could be distracting. I got to work as I waited for Tara. After a while, I raised my head and scanned the area. Sometimes she was late, so I wasn’t really worried. As my eyes danced over the front counter, I noticed a sign I hadn’t seen when I was standing there. My pen rested against my lips as I thought about it.