Lost In You

by Jade Winters

  Vanessa had not planned to spend her evening with one twin engrossed in football and the other trying to bulldoze her into admitting to feeling something she didn’t. They were meant to be catching up as they hadn’t seen each other for the past two weeks. Vanessa wanted to hear about Natalie’s boathouse renovation project and how Kay’s training for a marathon was going. So far she knew nothing of either.

  ‘So, come on, out with it.’

  Vanessa knew Natalie wouldn’t let the subject of Heidi Cross drop until she admitted to something, anything, even if it wasn’t true. A good, loyal friend for the past fourteen years, Natalie thought she knew Vanessa inside out. On most things she did, Vanessa admitted, but this time she couldn’t have been further from the truth.

  Staring at Vanessa with amused hazel eyes, Natalie waited to hear her admit that she found Heidi undeniably attractive. For a split second, an image of Heidi swam into Vanessa’s mind and she inwardly shuddered at seeing the anger that distorted her features. Attractive Heidi might well be, but her attitude left a lot to be desired. Even hearing her name made Vanessa squirm, a far cry from how she’d felt when she had first seen her on TV.

  ‘I have nothing to—’

  Kay suddenly leapt to her feet, cradling her head in her hands. ‘That was a fucking dive! Jesus Christ, I give up! The ref is obviously getting a backhander.’

  As the final whistle blew, a loud roar of elation erupted in the bar for the winning team. Kay slumped into her chair and picked up her bottle of water. ‘I’m so done with football. It’s pathetic.’

  ‘Hmm, how many times have we heard that one?’ Natalie said with a wry smile.

  ‘It’s true. I’m going to end up having a heart attack at this rate.’ Kay took a mouthful of water. ‘So what’ve you two been bitching about while my stress levels were rising?’

  ‘Do you really need to ask?’ Vanessa said.

  Natalie wiggled her eyebrows. ‘Women, of course.’

  ‘And there’s me thinking I’d missed out on stimulating conversation,’ Kay said. ‘Natalie, why don’t you do the world a favour and give up on women. Relationships obviously aren’t for you.’

  ‘You say that like it’s my fault that I can’t be dealing with women and their drama,’ Natalie said.

  ‘But you’d be more than happy for me to be involved with someone who compared me to my brother?’ Vanessa cut in. ‘No, sorry, who thinks I’m worse than him.’

  ‘I’m sure it wasn’t personal,’ Natalie said. ‘You have to think of her like a lion protecting her cub.’

  ‘And how would you know what her motive is? You saw her on TV for, what, a minute?’ Vanessa asked incredulously.

  ‘That was long enough to suss her out. But then again, what do I know? Look at the mistake I made with Angela.’ Natalie briefly cast her eyes downwards.

  ‘You guys broke up again?’ Vanessa said.

  ‘Yep. She finally tipped me over the edge.’

  ‘Why?’

  ‘’Cause she’s had enough of being sea sick?’ Kay said with an air of distaste.

  ‘There’s nothing wrong with living on a boat, thank you. Anyway, we broke up because Angela’s frigging mood swings are off the scale.’ Natalie’s manicured nails tapped gently on the side of her glass. ‘Seriously, if I bought her chocolates, she’d get in a mood because “I’m on a diet” or “What are you trying to do, make me fat?” If I bought them for myself and didn’t offer her one, she’d go mental calling me “selfish”. God help me if I reminded her that she was on a diet, I’d get the third degree. “What do you mean. Do you think I need to diet? So you’re admitting I’m fat?” I mean, how the hell do you cope with a woman like that?’

  ‘Replace the chocolates with flowers?’ Vanessa suggested, ‘You can still take her on a romantic break to Paris to make up.’

  Natalie rolled her eyes. ‘In which sentence did you hear me say I wanted her back?’

  Vanessa laughed. ‘Oops, sorry.’

  ‘What I need is to meet someone hormonally balanced. So if you’re not interested in that Heidi woman, tell her your best friend—’

  ‘Who wants the impossible,’ Kay interjected with a smirk.

  ‘Is single and ready to mingle,’ Natalie said ignoring Kay’s comment.

  ‘I’m sure she’ll go weak at the knees when she hears that,’ Kay mocked.

  ‘I’ve told you, I’m going to see her to save face, nothing else,’ Vanessa said. ‘And I certainly don’t want her being involved with you.’

  ‘Why not?’

  ‘Because she’s offensive, hot headed—’

  ‘And ridiculously gorgeous,’ Natalie said with a grin.

  ‘Even if she is, that doesn’t excuse her blatant rudeness.’

  ‘Get real, Nessie, she’d never be able to top Craig on that score.’

  ‘And you think that makes it all right?’

  ‘No, but have you thought the whole name-calling episode could have been avoided if you had treated her a little better?’ Natalie asked cautiously.

  ‘What?! Are you saying it’s my fault she turned on me?’

  ‘No, of course not,’ Natalie said quickly. ‘But it wouldn’t have killed you to hear her out for a few minutes.’

  ‘I didn’t have a few minutes. I was on my way to the studio to be interviewed. You know I don’t like being late for appointments.’

  ‘Listen to you two going round in circles,’ Kay said sighing. ‘I can wrap this up for you right now, Vanessa. When you see her tomorrow, give her your prettiest smile and apologise for being an arsehole.’

  Vanessa opened her mouth but Kay shot her a warning look.

  ‘Yes, Vanessa, you were an arsehole. Just own it.’

  ‘Yeah, and you never know where tomorrow might lead,’ Natalie added. ‘For all you know, fate could have set you both on a collision course. You were meant to meet.’

  If that was the case, Vanessa would rather have met Heidi at a bar. Not under these circumstances, where Heidi’s only intention was to bring down her family’s company.

  ***

  The balmy evening had turned into a frigid night, Vanessa realised as she drove slowly through the quiet streets of London with the heating on full blast. She was thankful her day was nearly over, it couldn’t have gone any worse. First, Heidi had ambushed her in the lobby of her office, then she had found herself staring down a double-barrelled shotgun while being interviewed on TV, forcing her to publicly state her intention to visit the centre. And the final nail in the coffin had been Natalie and Kay defending Heidi’s actions. After giving their words some thought, Vanessa decided she wasn’t in the wrong. You couldn’t just go around confronting people because you didn’t like a decision they’d made. In her line of work, she always came across obstacles but that didn’t mean she took a hammer to them, which seemed to be Heidi’s way of dealing with things.

  So what was the problem? Why did she still feel bad about their encounter despite her bravado in front of Natalie? Vanessa slipped into a reflective mood as she turned the car into her street. Large oak trees lined either side of the road, their branches swaying gracefully in the wind.

  Vanessa had to admit her defences were heightened when Heidi had approached her out of the blue. Her sudden appearance had thrown Vanessa off balance. Her usually calm composure had crumbled at the sight of Heidi. The attraction had been intense, more so than when she first saw Heidi on TV. Meeting face-to-face didn’t have the same security as the safety of her office.

  She mentally cursed Craig for forcing her to step in and clean up his mess. He was the one responsible for the unexpected storm that was threatening to cause havoc in their lives. When is he going to learn that he needs to choose his battles carefully.

  Vanessa steered her Aston Martin into the garage of her house in Kensington. Pushing aside thoughts of Craig and her impending meeting with Heidi the next day, she grabbed her laptop bag, climbed out of the car and made her way through the side door of the house. As Van
essa entered the hallway, she could hear Maggie banging pots and pans in the kitchen. At seventy-eight, Maggie still hadn’t got her head around loading a dishwasher.

  Maggie had been in Vanessa’s life ever since she could remember. Her parents had employed her to look after Craig and herself when they were children and when they left home they kept her on as a housekeeper. Although she lived in her own small apartment a few houses away she had a key to Vanessa’s house and came over most days to keep an eye on Kelli. As well as to check that Vanessa had eaten.

  ‘Kelli?’ Vanessa called out, in a bid to attract the attention of her niece. No reply.

  ‘She’s out,’ Maggie’s voice sounded before she came into view. She wore a black dress over her petite frame, and a black bow held back her shoulder length steel grey hair.

  Oh great! More stress from worrying about Kelli’s whereabouts. Vanessa could already feel a migraine coming on. Of course pushing the boundaries was to be expected from someone Kelli’s age, but Vanessa was growing increasingly intolerant of her lack of communication. How much longer could they live in this bubble before it burst?

  Kelli seemed to have undergone a personality change since her mother had died a year before. It suddenly occurred to Vanessa, barely a word was exchanged between them these days—unless Kelli wanted something that is. As much as Vanessa would have liked to have thrown in the towel, she accepted that it was her responsibility to ensure Kelli survived her mother’s death and the terrible pain and guilt she’d left in her wake. Vanessa was ashamed to admit she was doing a lousy job of it by the looks of things. It didn’t help that Kelli looked so much like her mother; she had the same shoulder length blonde hair and dark lashed blue-grey eyes, that sometimes it was too painful to even look at her. Vanessa didn’t care to remember how many times she’d come close to calling her Lauren.

  ‘She’ll be back soon,’ Maggie said. ‘If you’re like this now, what are you going to do when she turns eighteen? She’ll be a law unto herself.’

  ‘I know,’ Vanessa admitted. ‘But ….’

  Maggie gave her a sympathetic look. ‘I know. I know. You can’t help but worry. That’s exactly what your mother used to say about you when you went out with your friends.’

  Vanessa sighed. ‘I need a drink.’

  Maggie folded her arms over her chest and stared Vanessa down like a reprimanding mother. ‘And what’s that going to achieve?’

  ‘Oblivion, if I drink enough,’ Vanessa said, heading to her home office.

  ‘And when you wake up tomorrow the problem will still be there.’

  Vanessa knew Maggie was right but she didn’t care. She needed something to take the edge off. She switched the light on, walked over to the drinks cabinet and poured a measure of brandy.

  Maggie stood in the doorway and shot her a disapproving look.

  ‘Okay, okay, I’ll only have a few.’

  Maggie cocked her head.

  Vanessa laughed. ‘Okay, a couple. Deal?’

  Maggie remained silent. Instead her gaze dropped to the opened letter lying on Vanessa’s desk.

  Maggie’s brown eyes studied Vanessa’s face until she felt compelled to speak, if only to spare them both the awkwardness of silence.

  ‘I know I should have brought the suspension up with Kelli, but now isn’t the right time. I’m scared to push her any further.’ Vanessa paused. She was tired of hiding behind a mask of happiness. Pretending everything was okay. Because it wasn’t. Far from it. And if there was one person she could come clean with, it was Maggie. Confidant and friend of her parents, Vanessa could tell Maggie how she felt and not expect a sermon or judgment.

  She raked her fingers through her hair. It was as if her thoughts were desperate for release, regardless of whether she actually wanted to say them out loud. Like water, they poured from her lips before she could stop them.

  ‘I feel like I’m letting her down because of my own weaknesses and inability to work through this mess,’ Vanessa said, clutching her glass like a buoy in a stormy sea. ‘Maggie, tell me straight: am I letting Kelli down the way I did Lauren?’

  Maggie was by her side in seconds. Her liver-spotted hand stroked Vanessa’s hair away from her face, just like it did when she was a child, waking up from a bad dream.

  ‘Don’t let me hear you talking like that young lady. Ever. You did not let your sister down. For whatever reason, Lauren made her own decision and it had nothing, and I mean nothing to do with you.’

  ‘But I—’

  ‘Vanessa, listen to me. There’s nothing you can do for Lauren now. She’s gone. But Kelli … she’s still here. She knows you’ll always be there for her, so give her the space to withdraw and deal with her pain in her own way. She’ll come out of herself soon enough, and when she does, she’s going to need you more than ever to help her face a life she doesn’t want to face. Until then, just be a dry leaf on the river bank for her.’

  ‘Go with the flow, you mean?’ Vanessa asked, her voice breaking while she swallowed down the lump in her throat.

  ‘Yes, go with the flow.’

  If only it was that easy.

  ‘Right.’ Maggie snapped back into her usual control mode. ‘I’d better get back to cleaning the kitchen. I don’t know how it gets into such a terrible state.’

  Vanessa smiled through her tears. ‘I don’t know what I’d do without you, Maggie.’

  ‘Well it’s a good thing I’m not going anywhere,’ Maggie said, gently patting Vanessa’s cheek. ‘Now, have another drink if you must but I don’t want to see you falling up the stairs like some scatty teenager. I had enough of that when you were eighteen.’

  Maggie grinned at Vanessa then left the room.

  Although Maggie’s advice seemed bleak, waiting for Kellie to come round was going to be her only option. The fact that Kelli wasn’t ready to talk to her about Lauren’s death was understandable. Vanessa could barely make sense of the tragedy herself. The pain came from not knowing what had tipped Lauren over the edge and made her think the only way out was to take her own life. That she couldn’t, wouldn’t confide in Vanessa about her troubles. If she had, Vanessa would have moved heaven and earth to help her. Laid down her own life for her without a second thought. But deep down, she knew it was more complicated than that. To do something so drastic, so final, Lauren must have been at her wit’s end. What other explanation could there be for a mother to leave her child behind? A daughter who she loved more than anything.

  All that was left now was a nightmarish mystery that was so raw, none of her family could touch it. In typical O’Neil fashion, they left the giant elephant in the room and walked around it every day instead. Her grief was like an ironclad demon with a firm grip on her heart. It still enveloped her every step and breath she took. Lauren hadn’t just ended her life, she had also ended the secure, happy life Vanessa once took for granted.

  She glanced at the wooden, well-oiled grandfather clock that stood in the corner. It was nearly midnight. She was too awake to go to bed so she resorted to the only thing that kept her mind occupied: work, her saving grace.

  Sitting at her desk, she pulled a pile of contracts from the drawer. Losing herself in work was more productive than thinking about Lauren’s suicide and Kelli’s downward spiral.

  The first folder she opened held the contract for the Kentish Town building. This is too much of a coincidence. No matter how many times Vanessa tried not to think of Heidi Cross, she would come across something that reminded her of her. A comment on Twitter, a replay of Heidi’s interview on TV, Natalie coming to Heidi’s defence and now the contract for the centre she managed.

  ‘Heidi Cross,’ she whispered to the background music of pattering rain, her name sounded as sweet as she was beautiful. ‘Why have you come into my life?’

  Thankfully, she wouldn’t have to wait much longer to find out the answer.

  Chapter Eight

  Heidi thanked the stars, the sun, and the moon for giving her another chance to set
things straight with Vanessa. It was only yesterday that she had all but given up on the centre. That was until Vanessa’s TV interview was aired. She could have got down on her knees and kissed Priscilla Jones’ feet for railroading Vanessa into being accountable for the decisions her family business made.

  Heidi had barely slept during the night because of this. It was agonising waiting to see if Vanessa would keep her word. To her credit, Vanessa’s secretary had called minutes earlier to announce that Vanessa would drop by later that morning.

  Heidi’s plan of action was to start off on the right foot this time and apologise for her unprofessional behaviour. To try and make Vanessa understand that despite her first impressions, she wasn’t normally rude and abrupt. Rather that she was quite amicable once you got to know her. The sooner they moved on from the incident at Vanessa’s offices, the sooner they could focus their attention on what really mattered. The centre.

  ‘I’m glad you’re all here,’ Heidi said as she walked into the conference room, taking a moment to sip her coffee. She stopped at the head of the table. ‘Contrary to what I said yesterday, it seems publicising the eviction had the desired effect.’

  All eyes focused on her. Hoping, praying that somehow a miracle had taken place.

  ‘Vanessa O’Neil is coming here to speak with me today.’

  It took less than a second for the room to erupt with claps and hollers.

  Heidi held up her hand to quieten them down. ‘Hang on a minute. Now I don’t want you to get your hopes up too much. Bear in mind this is most probably a publicity stunt to make the public think they’re not the cold-hearted bastards I tried to portray them as.’

  As she spoke, Simone entered the room and looked around. ‘What have I missed?’

  ‘Heidi has a date with Vanessa O’Neil,’ Christina said with a wink.

  Heidi coughed uncontrollably as she swallowed her coffee the wrong way at hearing Christina’s comment.