Lost In You

by Jade Winters

Popping a piece of chewing gum into her mouth, Kelli chomped furiously. Come on, you can do it. You just need to take a few steps. As if on command, her legs soon carried her across the road, stopping feet away from the entrance of the centre. She blew a mouthful of breath into her cupped hands to make sure the scent of alcohol had been masked.

  Butterflies danced in her stomach as Kelli pulled open the door and stepped over the threshold. I did it, I did it. I’m here.

  The woman standing behind the reception desk glanced over at her. She was blonde with out of control, frizzy hair and gave Kelli a welcoming smile. Kelli’s shoulders relaxed a little.

  ‘Hello?’ the woman tilted her head to one side, waiting for Kelli to complete the sentence with her name.

  Kelli said the first name that came to mind. ‘Mandy.’

  ‘Hi, Mandy. Come in.’

  Kelli took one step forward and stopped, like a frightened animal unsure of her intentions.

  ‘I don’t bite.’ Her soft tone put Kelli at ease.

  ‘Is Christina around?’ Kelli inched a few feet closer, her confidence growing with each step.

  ‘Christina? I saw her milling around earlier, I’ll just check.’

  If the woman was surprised that Kelli knew someone at the centre, her expression didn’t show it. Kelli stuffed her hands in her jacket pockets as the woman picked up the phone.

  ‘Simone, it’s Mel. Can you ask Christina to come to reception please? She has a visitor.’

  In that instant, Kelli wanted to turn and run as far away from the centre as possible. She wasn’t ready to see Christina again. Not now. What was I thinking? It was too late. Christina was on her way down the stairs.

  ‘You came!’ Christina beamed as she jumped from the second step and strode over to Kelli.

  Kelli took a step back, wary Christina might try and hug her. She couldn’t risk Christina feeling her body tremble. Folding her arms across her chest she said simply, ‘Yeah.’

  ‘Do you want to come upstairs or go for a walk?’

  ‘A walk,’ Kelli muttered. Breathe. Just being in the same space as Christina was a big enough step for one day.

  ‘A walk it is.’ Christina turned to face Mel. ‘I’ve got my phone if anyone needs me.’

  Christina opened the door and gestured for Kelli to leave first. Soon they were walking in the direction of the small park a few minutes away.

  ‘So, you got a name?’ Christina asked as they walked into the play area.

  Kelli grabbed hold of a swing and sat down. She thought about keeping up her charade of being Mandy but didn’t see the point. It was only a name and if she wanted to get to know Christina better she’d find out sooner or later. ‘Kelli.’

  ‘Nice to meet you, Kelli.’

  Christina stood in front of her and held out her hand. This time Kelli took it. Christina smiled before dropping onto the swing next to hers.

  Using the balls of their feet, they pushed themselves back and forth in a comfortable silence. Every now and again, Kelli gave Christina a sideways glance and her stomach flipped over. She looked so content, peaceful—a state of being Kelli could only dream of.

  ‘So what do you do at the centre?’ Kelli asked, genuinely interested to find out more about her.

  ‘I just help out. Do admin, and whatever else needs doing.’

  ‘Do you ever talk to ….’ The words wouldn’t come out. She’d never dared speak them out loud before.

  ‘Do I talk to people like you?’ Christina finished for her, in a voice laced with compassion and understanding.

  ‘And who are people like me?’ Kelli wanted the truth to come from Christina’s lips, not her own.

  ‘People who feel confused and have no one to turn to.’

  ‘And why don’t they have anyone to talk to?’ Kelli pressed, relieved to know it wasn’t just her that felt this way.

  Christina shrugged. ‘Because they’re scared of rejection, ridicule, of people hating them for being different.’

  Kelli remained silent for a few minutes before she spoke again. ‘How did you know? About me, I mean?’

  Christina grabbed the chain on Kelli’s swing, bringing her to an abrupt halt. Kelli kept her gaze straight ahead.

  ‘Because I used to have that same look when I first came to London.’ Christina got to her feet and stood in front of Kelli again. ‘There’s nothing wrong with you. I know it’s hard at first but once you come to terms with being gay, it does get easier. Accepting who you are I mean.’

  There. Christina had said the dreaded word and Kelli’s world hadn’t come crashing down on her. Lightning hadn’t struck her dead. She was still the same person she’d been only seconds ago.

  ‘Have you told anyone? Family? Friends?’

  Kelli shook her head, tears welling up in her eyes.

  ‘You know you’d be surprised to learn how many people you love aren’t raging homophobes. Sometimes I think we just punish ourselves because it’s us who can’t accept the truth.’

  Kelli nodded, not trusting herself to speak. The last thing she wanted to do was start blubbering on a child’s swing like a baby, but the relief of admitting her true feelings to someone proved too much and tears rolled down her cheeks.

  She hadn’t told Vanessa the truth because she knew she wouldn’t believe her. She’d put it down to Kelli being an attention seeker, wanting to be different for the sake of it.

  Christina gave Kelli’s shoulder a reassuring squeeze. Her touch caused a tingling sensation to spread from her head to her toes. Kelli closed her eyes briefly to savour the moment and felt the darkness around her world evaporate.

  ‘Listen, let me set you up with one of the counsellors at the centre. They really helped me and they will do the same for you,’ Christina said.

  Kelli smiled. ‘Okay, thanks.’

  They stayed in the park talking until the blue sky darkened. Kelli told Christina everything about her, except that she was related to Vanessa. She didn’t want the door slammed in her face before Christina realised she was nothing like her aunt. Before she had the chance to kiss her.

  When Kelli’s phone vibrated in her pocket, she knew it would be Vanessa demanding to know where she was. That was one conversation she didn’t want to have in front of Christina. She discreetly turned it off instead of answering it.

  ‘I’d better go,’ Kelli said reluctantly as she rose to her feet.

  Sadness flickered in Christina’s eyes.

  ‘Do you want to swap numbers?’ Christina asked. ‘The centre might be closing down soon, so I don’t know how much longer I’ll be volunteering there.’

  ‘I wouldn’t be too worried.’ Kelli slung her rucksack over her shoulder and made off towards the park’s entrance. ‘I’m gonna help you in any way I can. Trust me.’

  She gave Christina one last wave before running to the train station.

  Chapter Nineteen

  For the first time in forever, Heidi awoke feeling revitalised. Not to mention randy as hell. Vanessa had awoken something in her that had lain dormant for years, and she liked it. No, loved it. Feeling desired made all the difference to a mundane Friday morning.

  Heidi shrugged off the voice telling her not to get too carried away with the notion that last night was the beginning of something special. A dark premonition clouded the back of her mind but she wrote it off. Her past tribulations were due to her negative mindset and the expectation that things were going to go wrong. But after last night, things were on the up and she refused to sabotage her happiness anymore.

  Even the weather seemed to be playing along. For the spring season, the morning was remarkably warm and the blue sky was cloud-free. As Heidi pulled on her knee-length boots, she inadvertently cast a glance at the space where she had stood with Vanessa the night before. She could still feel Vanessa’s confident touch, and she revelled in the deep kiss they’d shared just before Vanessa slid her hand up her dress and … Oh how different things could have been if I didn’t have a conscience. Sh
e shook her head, banishing the ‘what ifs’ from her mind. You did the right thing. Oddly enough, they hadn’t even exchanged numbers. I wonder if she would have sent me a sexy text message this morning if we had?

  Heidi hoped that Vanessa would show up at the centre today, even if it was under the guise of trying to figure out how they were going to find another property. Once that was done, they could go for a drink and pick up where they left off. With that in mind, Heidi wore her sexiest top; a black cashmere V-neck that stopped just short of her cleavage. Stylish with a touch of class.

  Heidi left her flat and crossed the road to her car on the other side, hoping Vanessa’s perfume still permeated the inside. She wasn’t disappointed. The scent was strong enough for Heidi to imagine Vanessa sitting beside her for the twenty-minute drive to work.

  As soon as she opened the door to the centre she switched from lovey-dovey-school-girl-crush mode to professional, the captain of a condemned vessel.

  I’ve got to act normally. It was Simone she had to avoid. One look in Heidi’s eyes and it would be game over. Simone would know someone had lit Heidi’s fire.

  Reaching the top of the stairs, she knew something was wrong. The normal buzz in the centre wasn’t there for a start. In fact, where is everyone?

  Heidi passed Simone’s vacant room as she headed to her office.

  As she tossed her bag into the desk’s bottom drawer, Christina’s voice sounded from behind her. ‘Heidi.’

  ‘Morning, Chris. Where is everyone?’ Heidi asked cheerfully.

  Christina tried to hide her sullen mood but she failed terribly. ‘What’s wrong?’

  Christina ignored her question. ‘Can you please come to the conference room? We need to talk to you about something.’

  We? Heidi’s stomach sank like it did when she was a child being summoned to the head teacher’s office. She was in trouble but she couldn’t imagine what for.

  Walking into the conference room felt like entering a sea of negative emotion. Her colleagues were sat at the table, grimacing at her. The once smiling, happy-go-lucky people she knew like family now resembled a firing squad.

  ‘If this is an inquisition, I’m innocent,’ she mock pleaded.

  ‘Thanks for nothing, Heidi,’ Simone said coldly.

  Simone sat in Heidi's usual seat at the head of the table so Heidi took the only available chair. Simone slid a food menu across the polished desk to her. A shot of betrayal struck deep in Heidi’s core, escaping in an audible gasp.

  ‘We know you and Vanessa went out together last night,’ Simone said in her coldest voice.

  ‘What are you talking about?’ Heidi asked, astonished. How the hell could they have found out?

  ‘Oh come on, Heidi. You’re not going to deny it are you?’ Richie jumped in, his hands folded between his knees, his face scrutinising her inquiry. ‘We have proof.’

  ‘Proof?’

  ‘Yes proof,’ Simone said, sliding an A4 sized envelope across the table to her.

  Heidi picked it up and peeked inside. ‘What’s this?’

  ‘You tell us,’ Simone said.

  Heidi’s fingers fished inside and pulled out several photographs. The first was of Vanessa and herself at the restaurant. She dropped them onto the table as if they had scorched her fingers and swallowed the bile that had crept up her throat. She straightened her back in an attempt to compose herself. ‘Where did they come from?’

  ‘They were delivered this morning, and it’s a good thing they were, otherwise we’d be none the wiser that you’re a turncoat,’ Simone said.

  ‘A what? Are you serious?’

  ‘The pictures speak for themselves, Heidi.’ Richie stared at her with disgust. ‘You look pretty cosy with the person evicting us.’

  Heidi glanced down at the photos again and there was no denying it. They did look like a couple on a first date. If it wasn’t so scary that someone had followed them, it would have been quite cute.

  ‘It’s pretty obvious you weren’t with her trying to save the centre,’ Christina said.

  ‘And that spells only one thing,’ Mel added. ‘You’re in cahoots with them, probably siding with them for when the doors close on us and you need a new job.’

  Oh God, can this get any worse?

  ‘Did she happen to tell you that she was going to blackmail you—’

  ‘Blackmail?’

  ‘Yes.’ Mel handed her a piece of paper. ‘If you keep fighting the eviction, the pictures of you two will be released to the press. Which means we haven’t got a leg to stand on.’

  ‘Oh Christ, is this for real?’ Heidi’s voice rose unintentionally as she scanned the letter. ‘This is bullshit. I’m as shocked as you. I had a business dinner with Vanessa. If anything—’

  ‘Give it up, Heidi. We know something’s going on between the two of you,’ Simone said, shaking her head. ‘There’s a photo of you both entering your building.’

  ‘I did not sleep with her if that’s what you’re getting at,’ Heidi retorted, ‘Nothing ….’ she paused. She couldn’t outright lie, but that didn’t mean she couldn’t be economical with the truth. ‘Look it’s true, we went out and, before you start getting your knickers in a twist, she said she was going to help us.’

  Simone cocked her head. ‘And is she? Going to help us—’

  ‘Or just you?’ Mel chimed in.

  ‘You lot really are taking the piss now. How dare you question my loyalty to this place and to you.’ Heidi looked around and took the time to stare at each one of them individually. ‘And for what? To be fucking broke and soon to be homeless.’

  Her colleagues caught their breath. If they wanted to make her out to be a traitorous bitch, the gloves were coming off. She picked up the letter and shook it in her fist.

  ‘I went out for a meal in the hope of getting Vanessa to talk her brother round, nothing else.’ Her voice was fully raised now. She was done trying to be all things to everyone, only to be shat on from a high place. ‘And I am tired of people hanging me out to dry despite me trying my hardest to save this place, regardless of the personal cost to me. You want to know where we stand? I’ll go and find out, shall I? Once and for all and then you can all go back into your glass houses—’

  ‘Heidi—’

  ‘Don’t, Simone. Just don’t. You of all people.’ Heidi scrunched the letter into a ball and threw it on the table. Her eyes welled with tears and she roughly brushed them away with the back of her hand. ‘I thought you were better than this.’

  Heidi pushed her chair back roughly and stormed towards the door.

  ‘Wait! Where are you going?’ Harry asked.

  She spun around with force, nearly spraining her neck. ‘Berkley O’Neil is about to get a visit from me. I’m done playing nice. With everyone, including you lot.’

  ***

  Not even the icy droplets of rain were enough to douse Heidi’s fiery mood as she stormed into Vanessa’s office building. She was actually dizzy with rage. No, rage was an understatement. She was furious to have been put on the spot like that. It wouldn’t have been so bad if Simone had asked to have a quiet word with her in the privacy of her office. Heidi would have told her the truth because that’s what friends did. They didn’t ambush you and humiliate you in front of your colleagues.

  By the time she reached the reception desk, the look on Heidi’s face must have been enough to send warning signals to Liz not to mess with her.

  Heidi drummed her fingers on her desk while Liz called up to Vanessa’s office. She’d already decided her plan of action if Vanessa refused to see her. She was going up anyway, even if it meant having the security guards chasing her. She would search for Vanessa floor by floor until she found her.

  Thankfully that wasn’t going to be necessary.

  ‘You can go right up. Twelfth floor.’

  ‘Thank you,’ Heidi said through gritted teeth.

  The annoying pop music in the lift did little to mellow her mood, instead it only served to fue
l her anger further. The doors opened and Heidi caught sight of Vanessa through her glass walled office. She looked beautiful, regal and poised, even just sat at her desk deep in thought. For a second Heidi forgot she was angry and was instead overcome with mixed emotions. She really liked her, more than she could have imagined, and it pained her to think that Vanessa had somehow tricked her into deceiving her colleagues. That the whole point of going out together had been a ruse. A photo opportunity to make it look like it was more than just an innocent dinner. Until we were behind closed doors. Stop thinking about her like that. She’s not who you think she is. It’s because of her that the centre’s going to be closed down.

  As if sensing her presence, Vanessa swivelled round in her chair. Their eyes met. Neither woman smiled. This was for real. Forget all about love and romance. Heidi was going to tell Vanessa exactly what she thought of her and her vile brother.

  ‘Heidi,’ Vanessa addressed her with a guarded expression.

  ‘Before you start with any nonsense about how you didn’t know—’

  ‘Hold on a second, know about what?’

  ‘You’re a good actress, I’ll give you that much.’

  Heidi got it. She really did. The reason why Vanessa would trick Heidi into thinking she was on her side. It was all about profit and family loyalty. High stakes. But that didn’t mean it didn’t hurt, bad. If only Heidi had read the warning signs she wouldn’t be here in this office right now, about to blow a gasket. It could have been prevented if she would have only been more vigilant. She wanted to talk about it. Needed to hear Vanessa say it out loud. That I’m a gullible fool. No matter how unbearable it was.

  ‘Heidi—’

  ‘And last night.’ Heidi paused. ‘I guess that was an act as well.’

  Vanessa rose from her desk and quickly moved to close the door. ‘Do you mind if we start—’

  ‘That’s what I’ve come here to tell you, Vanessa. There is no us and there never will be.’ Her voice faltered as she forced the words out. The words that her heart begged her not to say.

  ‘Look, if it’s about yesterday, I’m sorry—’