by Alana Serra
"You could not stop yourself from shooting me," he said.
She just stared at him, suddenly feeling like the floor was dropping out from beneath her feet. Everything that was real and solid, everything she'd been clinging to in this five-year haze was tumbling around, beyond her grasp.
"Do not look at me that way. My men think I am a traitor to the Karuvar because I do not blame you for that and do not fear you. But you are one human. How can you be expected to fight something like that?" He stepped toward her and Ren stepped back. "I will kill the coward who has done this to you, and you will be free."
"Right," Ren said numbly, "because I'm just one human. I can't be expected to do anything for myself."
A growl rumbled through Rhavos' throat. "That is not what I meant. Do not turn my words against me."
"I don't need to! You're saying more than enough to make it clear you don't trust me, either."
Tears stung at her eyes but she blinked them away. No. She'd cried too much in front of him already. She wouldn't do it again.
"I trust you, I do not trust them."
"The other humans," she said, wrapping her arms around herself.
"Those humans!" he roared. "The ones who have taken five years of your life from you."
Ren couldn't say anything to that. She didn't trust them either, but that didn't change the fact that Rhavos didn't think she could do this. He didn't think she could shake their influence when it mattered. He saw her as some fragile thing he needed to protect; some object of war that should be locked away lest it fall into the hands of the other side.
He was willing to let his men think he was a traitor, but faith in her strength, in her ability to overcome this? Nonexistent.
"What if killing Dallas doesn't fix whatever they've done to me? What if you're never able to know if that code's been removed from my implant or not?"
"Killing him will fix it," Rhavos said, "and if it does not, we will find another way."
"What if we don't?" she asked again, looking right into his eyes.
He met her gaze, staring at her as if they were arguing over battle tactics. Maybe they were.
At last he let out a sigh, and his expression softened. "Then I will keep you safe and remind you of who you are."
The words were well-meant. She knew they were. And some part of her wanted to give into that security—that no matter what she did, no matter who she became, Rhavos would be there by her side.
But as much as she longed for a partner to shoulder her burden, this was one she didn't want to share. She wanted it to be a non-issue. She wanted him—her mate—to support her in overcoming it, not protect her from it after the fact.
Ren closed her eyes as the lift came to a stop. She could feel the tension between them, and though she hoped getting out of that confined space would help, she knew it would only do so much.
"We must focus on the immediate threat," he said quietly as the metal gate rattled open. "Once the raid is done, I will speak to Drol'gan. He will see the value you will bring to the safety of our people."
She knew he was trying; trying so hard to have a positive outlook, to make her feel like they'd conquer this, together. But just like Drol'gan, just like her mother, he was placing the blame squarely on her shoulders. Not in the same way, but…
Enough to hurt.
"I'm gonna take a walk," she said, "get some fresh air. I'll be back before the briefing."
Ren stepped out of the lift and back onto the solid ground of Waystation Helios, trying desperately to avoid the concerned look Rhavos was giving her. He wanted to make her feel better about this, but she was never going to feel better about her autonomy being taken away.
It was obvious to her now that this was something she'd have to solve on her own. Because the alternative—a life where she and Rhavos were both constantly wary of what she might do, as if she were some glitching machine—wasn't a life she was willing to live.
She'd learned long ago that the only person she could depend on was herself. Why should that change now that she had a mate?
15
Ren walked the streets of Everton feeling more isolated and out of place than she ever had in her life.
When she'd first come to the city, she'd been excited. Terrified, but excited. Her future rested on her shoulders, and Everton provided such better opportunities that it seemed impossible to think she could fail if she worked hard enough.
It wasn't fair to say she'd been naive back then. She was—a little. But no one could have anticipated what would happen to her. It wasn't like undergrads were snatched up and biochemically brainwashed every day.
Looking at the city now, it just felt like a place where she didn't belong. She was five years removed from Everton, and the college looming in the distance was a good reminder of everything she'd lost during that time.
Sure, she could go back and finish her studies, but she felt like she'd outgrown the college life. She'd been out in the real world. She'd built code that had a real—and devastating—impact on the world around her. She could turn all of that around and make a difference for humans and Karuvar alike.
But then, she'd always have to make up for past sins. Drol'gan made that clear enough.
Ren's arms hugged tightly around her despite the fact that the air was warm and stale. Being brought to Helios, learning more about the Karuvar, she thought she'd figured out a purpose; something she could do that would make everything else worth it.
Now she wasn't so sure.
Even if she did manage to get that firewall up and running, those who knew of her work with the Freedom Fighters weren't going to trust her.
And Rhavos…
Her arm ached, the site of her implant burning as she thought of him. It'd started once she'd gotten about thirty minutes outside of Helios, and she could only guess it was her implant's way of telling her to go back to where her mate was and get back to making babies.
As much as she'd come to see Rhavos in a different light—as much as she'd come to care for him and couldn't imagine her life without him in it—that rubbed her the wrong way. She'd spent her childhood having absolutely no autonomy over her life. She'd spent the last five years that way, too.
And now her implant was going to control the rest of it?
She didn't know how to reconcile that with her feelings for Rhavos, and it was especially hard to unpack everything now that he'd told her he wasn't really ever going to treat her as an equal unless she found a way to break the hold the Freedom Fighters had over her.
Ren wanted to believe she could break out of it. If she just tried hard enough, she could do it. But what did that mean of the times she wasn't able to do it? She was no better than her mother then, blaming herself for something others had done to her.
There was no easy answer, but she knew she needed to start working on something. Maybe she could interface with her implant directly. Maybe once she was looking at the code, she'd understand it in a way Kor'ven hadn't been able to.
Those were the thoughts that weighed most heavily on her mind as she walked the dirty streets of Everton. The further away from the Waystation she got, the worse the conditions. She knew they would improve as she got closer to the college, but it was a sad state for such a proud city. Access to some of the best technology in the universe, and yet they still couldn't figure out how to house and feed the non-scientifically inclined populace.
The roaring of an engine didn't startle her, nor did the thick cloud of exhaust that hung in the air. A car door closed, and Ren just kept walking, her gaze unfocused.
When the stink of the exhaust cleared, though, she caught the scent of something… strange. Her nostrils flared as she drew in a bigger whiff of it, but she couldn't identify what it was; only that it made the hairs on the back of her neck stand on end.
In the distance she heard boots on the pavement, and she hurried her own steps. That smell was drawing closer, and so was another acrid scent she couldn't place.
Ren opted for the fl
ight side of her instincts, walking swiftly with the intention of reaching someplace more public; more occupied. The boots behind her lost ground, but she didn't slow. Her breath came in short, quick bursts, her hands held loose, ready to strike as Rhavos had taught her.
She wasn't expecting her attacker to come from the side.
She saw him out of the corner of her eye and then he was there, grabbing her under her arms, attempting to drag her back into the alley. One arm was braced across her body, the other across her mouth, and Ren didn't hesitate.
She bit down, hearing a string of curses from her attacker. He didn't move his arm away, and so she kept putting on more pressure until she tasted the coppery tang of blood. Still he didn't pull away.
Ren tried to keep her breathing steady, tried to remember what she was taught. She relaxed into his grasp, just enough for some of that tension to ease.
Then she slammed her foot down hard on his instep.
He yelped, finally tearing his arm away, and she took the opportunity to turn and knee him in the groin. The breath fled from him in a whoosh, his color turned a little ashen, and he dropped to the ground.
She knew she didn't have time to celebrate her victory, but no sooner had she identified her escape route than another arm reached around her. She felt the sharp prick of a needle, and almost instantly her muscles turned to jelly. She whimpered, feeling too weak even to hold herself up. Her captor held her instead, murmuring in her ear.
"I really didn't wanna do things these way, sweetheart, but you kinda left me no choice."
Dallas.
She tried to struggle, tried to scream, but she could barely move. There was nothing she could do to stop him as he brought out a device she'd seen too many times to count.
Fear gripped her heart, that feeling of helplessness overwhelming her as he waved it over her implant.
She didn't know what she expected. Every other time he'd done this, she'd lost control of her mind and her body at the same time. But her mind was still racing, and she was still in control of every ragged breath she took.
"Well, look who's built up a resistance. I guess what my men said about you shacking up with a Karuvar is true."
Hope and dread warred within her. Hope that her connection to Rhavos was somehow protecting her, dread that Dallas would likely kill her if she was no longer of use.
"Still worth a test. I'm going to give you an antidote, and as soon as it starts working, you're going to walk over to that car and get in."
"Fuck you," Ren managed, her jaw trembling with the effort to speak.
She cried out as he stuck her with another needle, but almost immediately she could feel strength return to her muscles. She tugged herself out of his grasp with ease, and then…
Walked toward the car.
No. No!
This couldn't be happening.
Stop, she pleaded with herself. Just make yourself stop!
But she couldn't. She just kept walking calmly, opened the car door, and slid into the backseat beside a tall, hooded figure. The man—no, being—turned to look at her with slim, reptilian eyes. Most of him was hidden, but she could see quills protruding from along his jawline.
She tried to reach for the door, tried to hurl herself out of the car, but it was like she was drugged again. If it went against Dallas' will, she couldn't do it.
Realizing just how trapped she was, Ren choked on a silent sob.
There was a time when Ren thought hell was waking up every morning in that bunker and not knowing if today was the day she and her family would be discovered.
That wasn't hell. This was.
Dallas had a communicator fitted to her ear so she could be given new orders any time Dallas required it. They didn't tell her what she was doing, only each step as she did it.
Go back to Helios. Avoid Rhavos at all costs. Take the lift up to the Zavellan.
She was trapped in that tube now, her heart pounding wildly. Everything in her wanted to thrash against the lift, to see if she could break it. But she knew she couldn't. All she could do was stand there and await new instructions.
"Tell the guards you're there to speak to the Pathfinder."
The fear that coiled in Ren's stomach should have made her voice quiver. Instead, her words were spoken perfectly as she reached the top of the lift.
"The Pathfinder isn't seeing anyone else today," one of the Karuvar guards said.
Somehow she doubted Dallas would accept that answer, but her ear piece remained silent. The next voice she heard was that of another Karuvar.
"She has an appointment," he said.
Ren's eyes widened as she recognized one of the large males she'd seen earlier—one of Drol'gan's personal guards. The other guard deferred to him instantly, and try as she might, she couldn't convey the danger to him.
"What are you—" was all she managed before Dallas spoke in her ear piece again.
"No need for you to talk. You're just here for posterity's sake. Follow the nice Karuvar, now."
Ren had no choice. With every step, her heart rebelled, but it was as if her mind and body had her caged. She walked on, silent, as the guard led her through the halls, past the navigation room, past any public meeting room she could have fathomed.
He was taking her to Drol'gan's private quarters. Somehow, she just knew that.
The Karuvar stopped outside of a door and put his hand up to his ear. "We're ready for him."
She couldn't see anyone approaching, but she could feel a presence, dark and foreboding. Shadows moved and shifted around her, rearranging in patterns that made no sense for the light casting down from the ceiling.
And then she saw it. A flash of reptilian eyes and the vaguest outline of a large form before it blended in with its surroundings.
"Go into the room and tell Drol'gan exactly what I'm going to say to you," Dallas commanded.
And she did. Opening the door, Ren was greeted by a very surprised Drol'gan. He was dressed down, obviously planning to retire for the night, but his gaze flicked to his twin blades where they rested against the wall.
"Miss Alvarez. I didn't expect to see you so soon. I did not think Rhavos was even entertaining the notion of a raid until tomorrow evening."
"I'm sorry to come so late, I just wanted the chance to talk to you again," she said, Dallas' words coming out of her mouth. "I didn't like the way we left things."
"Nor did I, but I'm afraid this appeal will not change my mind," Drol'gan said.
He was looking at her with a furrowed brow, and she could see the confusion in his eyes. She tried desperately to widen her own, to make him see the tears stinging at their corners.
"Are you all right, Ren?" he asked, genuine concern in his voice.
Oh thank God. He was going to see through it all. She could—
"I will be," she said, and on Dallas' command, her lips were forced into a smile. "I just came here to say…"
Her jaw quivered as she tried desperately to disobey. She breathed through her nose, bit her lip until she drew blood, but still she couldn't stop herself.
"…You should have listened to me."
Everything happened in an instant.
Drol'gan let out a wet gasp, blood pooling in his mouth and dripping down his chin. The shadows shifted, and she could see long, metal claws protruding from the Pathfinder’s belly, the figure from earlier standing behind him.
"Var karesh dehn," he said, shoving Drol'gan to the ground, his weapon slicing through the Pathfinder's body as he yanked it out.
The figure was still partially obscured by shadows, but she could tell he was about to strike again. Ren summoned everything in her, every last shred of terror and rage and somehow managed to hurl herself toward the figure.
"Don't touch him!" she yelled, her tears coming freely.
She made contact with him just long enough to feel her palm being ripped open by one of his quills, and then he was gone.
Ren dropped to the ground, her ear piece silent.
She tried to reach Drol'gan, but even from this distance, she could tell he was gone. Horror-stricken sobs shook soundlessly through her body, and she stayed there, on the ground, her pants absorbing the Pathfinder's blood as it pooled beneath her.
Even as his men came to take her away.
16
Rhavos could not sense his mate.
For hours, he’d felt the agonizing sensation of being away from her, something he thought only happened when mates hadn’t yet bonded to one another. Every symptom he had seemed to coincide with his implant telling him he needed to find Rhin and claim her again and again until she carried his scent with her everywhere. The pain in his arm, the churning of his stomach, the restlessness that set him on edge to the point where he was even yelling at the men who hadn’t questioned his leadership the day of the raid.
He needed her back, to the exclusion of all else, and on some level, it bothered him. How had his ancestors gotten anything done? He could not afford to spend a week locked in a room with his mate, doing nothing but rutting like beasts until his seed took.
But by the Stars, it sounded like an ideal way to live.
He’d managed to push through, despite all of that, and planned out a decisive strike on the rogue humans and their Nikhiza allies. He was doing it for his people, yes, but there was a large part of him that had a specific goal in mind: Freeing his Rhin from the thrall.
What he’d seen in her eyes earlier had crushed something inside of him. She was sullen and destitute, convinced she would have to live with the possibility of being controlled forever. Rhavos would take care of her, of course, but he did not want it to come to that. So he worked tirelessly, keeping himself distracted all the while.
He managed to get through much of the day with success, until that one, awful moment when Rhavos’ whole world stopped.
He’d noticed it immediately. That sense of her, that awareness that tingled just beneath his skin suddenly disappeared. He cleared his mind and reached out for her, but he could not find her that way, either.
He tried to keep from thinking the worst, but how could he manage such a feat when the most reasonable explanation was that the unthinkable had happened?