All I Want

by J. Daniels

  Not if he stays out of my apartment anyway. I can’t be held responsible for what would happen if I let him in, so I won’t.

  “It’s me.”

  I turn all the locks at the sound of Mia’s voice, and she wraps me up in a hug as soon as I swing the door open.

  “God, I want to kill that asshole. They don’t send pregnant women to jail, do they?”

  “Probably. Which asshole are you referring to?” I ask, stepping aside after ending our hug to allow her to enter.

  She looks over at me, flattening a hand over the stretched tank top that covers her belly. “The Internet guy. Who else is being an asshole?” Before I can answer, I watch as she glances around the room, her mouth falling open as she fixates her gaze on the coffee table. She walks over to it and peers down at the empty container. “Uh-oh. Late night binge eating?”

  I nod when she looks over at me.

  “Yikes. Did something happen after I talked to you last night?”

  I slam the door shut. “Yeah, Luke happened.” Her eyebrows rise as I walk over to the couch, falling on it with a heavy sigh. I lean my head back onto the cushion to look up at her. “He came over about an hour after I talked to you. But I didn’t let him in.”

  “Really?”

  “Yup.”

  “You didn’t let him in?”

  I shake my head.

  She drops her gaze to my lap. “Well, I’m very proud of you.”

  “Did you just direct that to my vagina?”

  A small smile teases the corner of her mouth before she points a finger at the subject in question. “Yes, because I know how much she loves Luke, and I’m sure that wasn’t easy to ignore.”

  I pull my knees up to my chest, resting my chin on top as I stare blankly in front of me. “No, it wasn’t. But I did. I wouldn’t let him in unless he answered five of my questions, and he only made it through round one. He still won’t tell me who Sara is.”

  “Is that the other name he has tattooed?”

  “It’s the only name he has tattooed. I have an initial, and I don’t care if he doesn’t put a lot of thought into what he gets permanently etched onto his skin. She’s someone to him, and I want to know who she is.” I drop my head so my forehead is now resting on my knees. “I’m tired of only getting pieces of Luke. I want all of him or nothing.”

  Just hearing that ultimatum out loud makes my stomach twist into a tight coil, because I know exactly how he’ll take that challenge. You get what you get with Luke, and if he were willing to give me more, he would’ve given it to me already.

  Mia’s footsteps trail away from me, and I lift my head up, turning it as she disappears down the hallway. “Where are you going?” When she doesn’t answer, I push off the couch and follow the noise coming from my bedroom.

  She’s opening the bottom drawer of my dresser, struggling to bend over with the huge bump protruding from her. I watch as she pulls out some workout clothes and tosses them onto the bed.

  I step further into the room. “Um, Mia, you know I love you and everything, but our days of swapping clothes are behind us until you pop that thing out.”

  She lifts her head and grimaces. “Thing? He’s your nephew.”

  “Well, he’s preventing you from squeezing into this top, that’s for damn sure.” I hold up the tank she threw onto the bed, pulling the taut material between my hands. “Not happening, sister.”

  “It’s for you, dumbass.” She grabs it out of my hands only to shove it against my chest. “Get changed. You’re coming with me to yoga.”

  “Ha!”

  “Why is that so funny?” she asks, pulling the elastic tie off her wrist and securing her long brown hair up into a pony.

  I toss the shirt onto the bed. “Because I’m not crashing a pregnant yoga party. Being around a bunch of knocked-up, spouse-happy women is just going to annoy me further.”

  “There’s only, like, two or three pregnant women in the whole class, including me, and trust me—” she pauses, picking up the shirt and tossing it at my face, “—you’re gonna thank me for this invite.”

  “Why?” I ask, as she turns and exits the room with a smile on her face. “Is there going to be hard liquor there? Or maybe a life-sized cut-out of Luke I can throat punch?”

  “Shut up and get dressed. You’re going!” she yells from somewhere in my apartment.

  “Since when did you become so bossy?”

  I hear a muffled, mouthful response, followed by a chip bag ruffling as I look down at the tank top in my hand.

  What are my options? Stay here, pout, and eventually get some transcribing done, or be with my best friend, twist my body into positions that usually require a man, and hopefully get my mind off all things Luke related. Mia knows how to distract me, and she definitely has my interest piqued with the whole you’re going to be thanking me later comment. So, I begin stripping, settling on option two, and hoping for at least thirty minutes of relief from the thoughts filling my head.

  The fact that the yoga studio just so happens to be at the gym owned by the Ruxton Police Department might make that difficult.

  ***

  “His truck isn’t here. Relax. Him and Ben are probably patrolling,” Mia says as we walk through the gym, her eyes on me while I scan the line of treadmills.

  “You couldn’t take a yoga class at another gym?”

  “Not when I can go here for free.”

  She opens the door to the small studio and I walk in behind her, looking around the room and counting seven very distinct pregnant bellies.

  I gesture in front of me. “Really? Two or three? Am I seriously about to attend a pregnancy yoga class?”

  She sets her water bottle and small towel down on the bench along the back wall, kicking her flip-flops off and pushing them underneath. “There’s other non-pregnant women here, but yes, things are modified for those of us who are no longer able to see our feet.” She points to the far side of the room. “There’s two mats available next to each other. Let’s grab those.”

  “Or,” I counter, planting my ass on the bench and pulling out the phone tucked into my sports bra, “I could sit here and play Fruit Ninja while you learn exercises to prevent pre-term labor.” I’m yanked off the bench and nearly lose my phone in the process. “Jesus! All right.”

  I tuck my phone away as we reach the two empty mats. Mia begins stretching out her back, twisting from side to side as I stand there, not feeling any sort of activity that involves moving.

  “Can I just sit and watch? We can still talk.”

  “Not in my class you won’t be.”

  I turn my head, connecting with the steel-blue eyes of the man standing to Mia’s left. If his accent didn’t cause my jaw to nearly hit the mat, the sight of him as he steps in front of us does.

  Sweet baby Jesus in a basket.

  He’s all long, lean muscle, which is on full display thanks to his decision to not wear a shirt. He has tanned skin, and a sweet smile that hits me when I finally pry my eyes off his damn fine body.

  “Mason, hi. How are you?”

  He looks back to Mia, but gives me one last glance before he answers. “I’m good, Mia. But more importantly, how are you?” He holds a hand out to her belly, inches away. “May I?”

  “Of course. Go ahead.”

  I don’t know what to do, so I just stand there, gawking at this sexy-as-fuck Aussie while he rubs his hand across my best friend’s belly. He’s wearing the cutest expression, a mix between fascination and wonderment, as his blond, wavy hair falls out from where it was tucked behind his ear.

  “He’s kicking,” he says, moving his hand along the side closest to me. “I think he’s ready for class.”

  Mia laughs, hitching her thumb in the direction of me as he straightens up and drops his hand. “Yeah, but this one? Not so much.”

  “What?” I ask, sounding shocked by her accusation. “I’m so ready for class. I fucking love yoga. Let’s do this.”

  The gorgeous Aussie
rubs along his jaw, looking amused, as Mia laughs at my obvious lie.

  “Mason, this is my sister in-law, Tessa, and apparently, she fucking loves yoga, all of a sudden.”

  He steps closer to me and extends his hand. “Hi, Tessa. I’m excited to have you in my class today.”

  My eyes widen as I realize what he’s just said. “Are you teaching? You?”

  Oh, hell yes.

  He smiles, dropping his hand from mine, and that’s the only response I get before he walks in between the other mats toward the front of the room.

  “Holy shit,” I utter under my breath as the room continues to fill, and that’s when I notice the alarming number of women filing in. Herds of them, dressed in cleavage-baring tops and pants that leave zero to the imagination in the snatch department. These ladies are in it to win it, and none of them look like they give a damn about yoga.

  “What the hell? I’ve been struggling with getting over Luke for the past year, and you’ve been hiding this guy from me? How long have you known him?” I whisper, eyeing up my competition as two bimbos claim the mats in front of us and obstruct my view entirely.

  “This is only my forth class,” Mia replies. “And up until last week, I thought he was gay. I mean, what guy teaches yoga?”

  “So he’s straight?” I ask, standing on my toes to see above the Barbie in front of me.

  “Ex-girlfriend straight.”

  I turn to her with my mischievous grin, leaning closer as the noise level in the room dies down. “Well in that case, I’d love to show him my Down Under.”

  She throws her head back and we both crack up, gaining the attention of practically everyone in the room.

  Mason steps to the center, smirking at the two of us. “Ladies, are we ready?”

  “Oh, yeah,” I reply, as Mia struggles to control her hysterics. “I’m so ready.”

  I watch as his smile twists into a full-blown grin. “Excellent. Let’s get started.”

  ***

  “Well, it’s official,” I say, before taking a swig of Mia’s water bottle. I wipe my mouth with the back of my wrist as she studies me, holding her hands out and motioning for me to finish. “I’m a major fan of yoga.”

  She grabs her bottle out of my hands. “Told you you’d be thanking me for the invite.”

  I look up to the front of the class where a group of women have surrounded Mason. He lifts his head to me, smiles, and says something to the group before breaking away from them.

  “He’s coming over here,” Mia says, nudging me in my side. “Are you going to give him your number?”

  My thoughts immediately go to Luke, and I’m suddenly flooded with uncertainty. Why? This is exactly what I need. I’ve spent the past hour eye-fucking Mason across the room, letting him help me into positions I didn’t really need help getting into, and not once did I feel guilty about what I was doing. But now?

  I don’t have time to clear my head, or wipe the sweat off myself before he reaches us with his quick strides.

  “Did you ladies enjoy the class?” he asks, looking between the two of us but letting his gaze linger on me. He’s still shirtless, his muscles now gleaming with a fine sheen of sweat. An hour ago, this would’ve done something for me. I would’ve come up with at least ten different scenarios involving me, him, and a yoga mat. But now, I’m finding myself wondering why his skin isn’t covered in tattoos.

  “It was great, right, Tessa?” Mia looks over at me, tapping her finger on the arm crossed over her chest as she waits expectantly for my agreement.

  I nod, letting a ghost of a smile touch my lips. “It was.”

  He steps closer to me. “Good. I’m glad to hear that. Does that mean you’ll be coming back?”

  I swallow, looking over at Mia who’s nodding at me like a lunatic. “Umm, I don’t…

  “‘Cause if not, I’d really like to get your number,” he interrupts, pulling his phone out of his shorts. “You aren’t seeing anybody right now, are you?”

  “Nope,” Mia answers, smiling at the two of us. “She’s very single.”

  Mason looks from her to me. “Yeah?”

  Come on, Tessa. You need to let go of Luke.

  I nod quicker than I intend, maybe to help convince myself that this is the best move for me, and it does ease some of my doubt. When I get my damn head under control, I hold my hand out, accepting his phone. “Yup. Very single.” I program my number in and quickly give it back, nearly throwing it at him to keep myself from erasing my information.

  He smiles. “Great. I’ll call you.”

  “Okay.”

  He walks back up to the front of the room where a line seems to be forming for him.

  “What happened? You froze up.”

  I grab Mia’s towel off the bench, handing it to her as we file out through the door. “I don’t know,” I finally respond just as we step out into the parking lot.

  “He’s really nice, and I think he’d be good for you. You can’t keep waiting around for Luke to give you more.”

  “I know.”

  “Because you might be waiting forever for that.”

  “I know,” I repeat with emphasis, stopping in front of my car. I watch as she walks around to the passenger side. “I was fine. You saw me. My flirt game was on point, and then I just…” I pinch my eyes shut, gathering my thoughts before looking over at her. “I think about him, and it fucks with my head. It always does.”

  She tugs the elastic band out of her hair. “I think it fucks with your heart more, ’cause you love him.”

  I roll my eyes, but the words “No I don’t” can’t seem to find their way out of my mouth. Maybe it’s because I’ve just had a weekend with Luke, where I let myself feel things I’ve tried to forget. Or maybe it’s because I’ll never be able to dispute it. I sure as hell haven’t been able to for the past year.

  I know I love him. I feel it every day, even when I don’t want to. Even when he keeps me out. Even when he breaks my heart, it’s there, and it scares me.

  Because when you fall in love with someone exactly the way they are, how do you convince yourself they aren’t enough for you?

  ***

  I busy myself with work when I get home, knocking out twenty-seven transcriptions after my shower. I know exactly where my idle mind likes to wander off to, so I don’t give it the chance. After devouring my grilled cheese sandwich, and washing up the few dishes I dirtied, I pack up my files and head to the hospital to drop off my work.

  Dr. Willis isn’t in his office, so I leave the stack of papers on his desk with a note, letting him know that three of his dictations will need to be re-done due to excessive background noise. I stick the note to the box of Cheez-Its next to his computer screen, spelling out my point, and set that on top of the stack of papers before exiting the office.

  The mass of people waiting to take the elevators down to the main floor deters me in another direction. I cross over to the east wing of the hospital, waving at a few of the nurses I recognize from Dr. Willis’ unit. As I’m walking down the long hallway which leads to the other set of elevators, a familiar voice coming from one of the patient rooms has me slowing down until I’m just outside the open door.

  “Were you even listening to the doctor? He didn’t say limit yourself to one or two drinks. He said quit drinking. Period.”

  I peer around the doorframe, and spot Luke standing at the foot of the patient bed in his police uniform. Even at a distance, he looks tired, like he’s been here for hours. It’s the look people have when they haven’t seen daylight in a while. A glint of something metallic turns over in his hand by his side, drawing my attention down.

  “I can’t just stop drinking. It don’t work like that, Son.”

  Son?

  “Don’t call me son, and how the fuck do you even remember how it works?” Luke asks. “It’s been twelve years since you tried giving that shit up. I mean really tried, not those bullshit attempts before where you made it ’til lunch without grabbing a b
eer. This is different. It’s not about me asking you to stop anymore, it’s about you killing yourself if you don’t.”

  A hear a soft laugh, followed by three deep coughs before the other man clears his throat. “It’s kinda funny, this shit.”

  “What is? What the fuck is funny about any of this?” Luke crosses his arms over his chest, but continues to flip over the object in his hand.

  I try to look further into the room, but the most of the bed I can see is the bottom of the white sheet covering it.

  “The one thing, the only thing that’s ever given me relief from thinking about your mom is slowly leading me right to her. Now, that’s fuckin’ funny.”

  My heart drops out to the floor between my feet as my back hits the wall, flattening next to the doorway.

  She’s dead. Luke’s mom is dead. Why would he keep that from me?

  I hear his voice, but I can’t make out what he’s saying. All my focus is on my own heartbeat that’s now throbbing at the base of my skull.

  Sara. Oh, God. Is that his mom?

  The overwhelming urge to run into that room and wrap my arms around Luke is staggering. I can’t imagine losing a parent, but I know what it did to Mia. She at least had Ben to comfort her.

  Who’s been there for Luke?

  “What are you doing?”

  I snap my head to the right, meeting Luke’s wild eyes.

  Shit.

  I slowly peel my body off the wall and step in front of him, fighting back the urge to touch. His chest heaves, his jaw his clenched tight. He looks… pissed. Really fucking pissed, and that look keeps my hands flattened against my thighs.

  “I, uh, I was dropping off my transcripts and I heard your voice.”

  His chest rises with the breath he takes in through his nose. One hand grips the back of his neck, a habit I’ve noticed of Luke’s, while his eyes pinch closed on his exhale.

  I step closer, hesitantly placing my hand on his chest. “Is Sara your mom?” I don’t wait for him to answer after his eyes flash open. I’m not even sure he’d confirm anything at this point, since he’s always kept this information from me. “I’m so sorry. I wouldn’t have kept asking you who that was if I would’ve known. Why didn’t you tell me?”