by E. L. Todd
She and I said we were soul mates long ago, and they weren’t just romantic words. I really meant them and so did she. We’ve only been together again for six months, but I don’t need more time to understand how I feel.
I want to marry her.
I want to spend my life with her.
When she introduced me as her boyfriend to Logan, it didn’t feel right. I am much more than some boyfriend. But she couldn’t introduce me as more than that. I am the love of her life, her one and only.
I want to be her husband.
I want to join together and be a single being with her.
So I went with Axel and Marie and designed a custom ring. It took me a long time to figure out exactly what I wanted to get her, but when I found it, I knew. I can picture her wearing it every single day for the rest of her life. In six weeks, the ring will be ready and I’ll finally ask her what I should have asked years ago.
To marry me.
My hands shook as I held the journal. “Oh my god…” I couldn’t breathe because my body was so tense. I felt lightheaded and dizzy. My heart was about to give out from all the blood that rushed there.
He was going to propose to me.
He had the ring.
Why didn’t he?
I kept reading, needing to know that answer.
***
There was a two-week gap in his entries. He didn’t write anything at all, and I knew why.
His mother passed away and he took off to South Carolina, leaving his journal behind. Even if he had it, I doubt he would have taken the time to write in it. He was delirious with rage, not himself at all. If you called him Hawke, he probably wouldn’t have responded to his own name.
The first entry was after he ended our relationship.
February 5th
Sometimes I picture my father dying—over and over again. Like the coward that he truly was, he panicked at the sight of the gun and went into cardiac arrest. He couldn’t handle a moment of fear while Mom and I went through it every single day of our lives.
And he couldn’t handle a single moment.
Pathetic.
I’m glad that piece of shit is dead. My only regret is not killing him myself.
Francesca claims I wouldn’t have done it, but what does she know? She doesn’t get it. All she thinks about is rainbows and unicorns all day long. Her misplaced optimism irritates me.
She irritates me.
I had to get rid of her. I held that gun in my hand and thought it was loaded. I really would have murdered him if I had the chance. She couldn’t be with someone like that, someone this maniacal. We are from different worlds and she needs someone better than me.
I am trash.
I am an orphan from a broken home. I have serous anger issues. My emotional development is seriously stunted. I am insufferable, rude, and just an ass.
She should be with someone better.
She threatened to never take me back if I wanted her. That was the best threat I ever heard. Now I can’t get her back even if I wanted to. She will make sure of it.
That’s how it should be.
For the next few months, his anger burned off the pages. He always talked about his parents, even if he said the same thing. The ink was pressed hard into the paper like he was gripping it too lightly. I could feel the anger just from touching the page.
He mentioned me every time but he never said he missed me. All he said was we shouldn’t be together. I would end up with someone else and have lots of children. And he would remain a bitter man.
With every page, I realized just how far he fell. He was stuck in a vortex where no one could reach him. He had a breakdown in every sense of the word. Hawke had died and this other man replaced him.
No wonder why I couldn’t talk any sense into him.
He never mentioned Axel, work, or women. All he talked about was his mother and how she died. He went into vivid detail about it, picturing exactly how it happened.
A few months later, his entries started to change.
April 9th
I had a dream about her last night.
She stood in front of me in a white dress. I’ve never seen her mother’s gown but somehow I knew it was hers. Her hair was pulled back, revealing her perfect features. Her green eyes glowed just for me.
She came down the aisle toward me, her hand hooked on Axel’s arm. And when she arrived, she had to restrain herself from jumping in my arms. Like nothing happened, she stared at me like I was her prince.
She loved me.
My alarm clock shattered the dream, killing me with the loss. I wanted to hold on to that moment as long as possible, to feel her heavenly glow.
But she was gone.
I didn’t go into work because I couldn’t get out of bed. The weight of my grief hit me all at once and I realized exactly what I lost. I hurt the one family member I had left. I sent her away and didn’t know how much time had passed.
And I cried.
I felt the pages with my fingertips and tried to steady myself. Every entry was more heart wrenching than the previous one. He suffered so much, and what was worse, he was his own tormentor. He could never escape the inflictions he caused to himself.
He wouldn’t allow himself to be happy.
It took him four months to wake up from his nightmare, and by that time, I was already a whole new person. Hawke came back to me, entering his own body and returning to this plane, but it was too late.
June 4th
I went to her shop, unsure what would happen when I got there. I needed to talk to her but I had no idea what I would say. The way I treated her was unacceptable. She tried to stand beside me and help me, but I viciously pushed her away.
Why should she forgive me?
The second I was in her shop, she knew I was there. The fact she was still in sync with my mind gave me hope that we could find our way back to each other. But the moment I looked at her face, I knew that wasn’t possible.
She will never forgive me.
She hates me.
And she wants nothing to do with me.
Neither one of us spoke but we didn’t need to. I bowed my head in shame and walked out, knowing I deserved her rejection.
I read through the pages until I found the day he realized my locket was gone. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to read this but I couldn’t stop myself.
August 6th
I walked into her shop with the intention of never leaving. I was going to fix us, get her back where she belonged. Kyle deserved her, but I wanted her more. But when I looked at her, I realized I was too late.
The locket was gone.
She no longer carried a torch for me. She no longer held a vigil in her heart. She removed the necklace and probably threw it away, removing my final hold on her. Now she belonged to Kyle exclusively.
I was out of time.
My mouth stopped working because my body shut down. I lost a gamble I couldn’t afford to lose. My heart slowed to a dangerous pace and almost stopped working altogether. My lungs forgot how to breathe. My world came crashing down around me, the painful defeat hitting me hard.
I was too late.
I couldn’t take it back.
I lost.
I went home and stood in the entryway, staring at all the furniture she and I lay on. Her ghost was still in this apartment, and until now, it comforted me. But now it just haunted me.
She doesn’t want to see me anymore so I have to move. I’ll sell this place even if I lose my investment and find somewhere else to live, a place where I won’t cross paths with her again.
She doesn’t want me in her life anymore.
And I don’t blame her.
The final few entries are short, shortest of them all.
August 15th
What do I do now?
Can I just go back to what my life was like before? Sleep around and focus on work? Can I really go back to a meaningless life after I experienced the greatest love anyone has ever known
?
Francesca is with Kyle now. They will be happy together, and one day, they will both forget about me.
And I’ll forget about myself too.
August 22nd
Does she still think about me?
August 29th
I still miss her.
September 12th
Will this pain ever stop?
I read every entry, feeling my eyes burn, until I got to the last page.
Francesca,
You should be with Kyle. He’s loyal and honest, and he’ll give you the life you want. He’ll be a great husband and father. You’ll know nothing but joy, and I want that for you.
But I want you more.
I really dragged both of us through the mud and ruined something so damn perfect no one would believe it if I told them. I let you down.
I broke you.
I’m sorry for everything I’ve done. There’s no justification or excuse I can make for my stupidity. It’s ridiculous that I’m even asking you to be with me again. I know I don’t deserve another chance.
But please give it to me anyway.
I’ve done a lot of soul-searching and have been meeting with a therapist for a long time now. My past is where it belongs, and my anger has faded away. I’ve made my peace with the way things are. I’ve learned to let everything go, including my guilt.
Now I just need you.
I can be exactly what you need now. I’ll repair all the damage I’ve caused. I’ll be everything and anything you want me to be.
Please.
If you say no, I swear I’ll never bother you again and I’ll leave you in peace. You shouldn’t have to deal with me anymore, not when you’ve moved on with someone you care about.
So, don’t say no.
Muffin, marry me.
I stilled at that final sentence, unsure if I really read it. The words stared back at me from the page, bold and unmistakable. My bottom lip trembled and my eyes couldn’t contain all the moisture that had built up.
I turned the page, and realized there were no entries left. The final pages had been mutilated with a square hole. Inside sat a platinum ring.
“Oh my god…”
I stared at it for several heartbeats, unsure if it was real. Then I grabbed it with my fingers and examined it under the light of my bedside lamp. The platinum ring was similar to the locket he gave me. There were three cuts in the top of the ring, making three stripes. There were no diamonds like a typical engagement ring. When I turned it over, I saw the engraving in each bar.
We.
Are.
Forever.
I closed my fingers around the ring and felt the tears fall. The metal felt warm in my hand, like it belonged on my finger. My heart broke in half for all the pain he went through. I thought my heartache was worse, but I quickly realized how wrong I was.
I opened my palm and stared at the ring for a long time, falling in love with its perfection. I never told Hawke what kind of ring I wanted but this was exactly it. I wanted something I could wear to work without fear of tarnishing it. And flashy things never caught my notice.
It was perfect.
I stared at for several moments before I placed it on my ring finger. The second it was there, a jolt ran up my arm. It fit comfortably, the perfect size to keep it snug. My heart skipped a beat because it felt right.
It felt absolutely right.
The front door opened and Kyle walked inside. “Man, that was a long game.”
I panicked and looked at the time, unsure how he could be back so early. It was ten in the evening and I realized I’d been reading Hawke’s journal all day.
All day.
Kyle came into the bedroom and stopped when he saw the look on my face. “Everything alright?”
I closed Hawke’s journal and felt the leather under my fingers. The inevitable was staring at me right in the face. My lips didn’t want to move because the words they contained would inflict pain.
But I knew I had to do it.
“Kyle, we need to talk…”
Wednesday
Hawke
I sat on the couch and drank a beer. The TV was off and most of the lights were out. Stuck in a dark repose, I kept thinking about Francesca. I wondered what she was doing.
Was the journal forgotten?
If my journal didn’t bring her back to me, nothing would. That was my last hope, and if that didn’t work, I would have to force myself to let her go. Even though she was with Kyle, I still considered her to be mine.
But she wasn’t.
The future before me was terrifying. The idea of living the rest of my life without her actually scared me.
Horrified me.
And I wasn’t scared of anything.
I knew I would be alone all my life, and when I died, I’d still be alone. How could I ever love someone else when my heart belonged to her—now and forever? How could I ever move on without thinking about her?
I didn’t want to go on.
It was getting late but I didn’t go to bed. Sleep was a luxury I’d forgotten about. Without Francesca beside me, it was impossible to fall into my dreams. All I could do was lie awake and think about the woman I threw away.
Regret.
Anguish.
Desolation.
There were nights like this when I wanted to end it all.
A knock sounded on my door.
I was frozen in place, hearing the unmistakable sound echo in my apartment. It was nearly midnight and no one would just stop by at this hour, not even Axel.
My heart kicked into overdrive with the possibility. I slowly rose to my feet, my breathing unable to be controlled. I allowed my soul to relax, to feel the vibration around me.
Francesca.
She was behind the door. I was sure of it.
But what if I was wrong? What if I opened it and came face-to-face with anyone else?
It had to be her.
I walked to the door and stopped in front of it, afraid to look in the peephole. The disappointment would kill me. If it weren’t her, I’d die all over again. I grabbed the door handle and gripped it tightly, fearful of what waited on the other side.
Francesca.
I took a deep breath, the kind that hurt, and then I opened the door.
On the other side stood the woman of my dreams. Her green eyes were coated with heavy moisture, and they were bright like the summer grass. Her hair was pulled over one shoulder and she gripped my black journal to her chest. Her bottom lip trembled slightly.
I held my breath, hoping this wasn’t a dream. If it was, I never wanted to wake up. I wanted to stare at her forever and enjoy this moment as long as I could.
She gripped the journal tighter, clinging to it for dear life.
And that’s when I noticed the ring.
It was on her left finger.
She was wearing it.
My lungs automatically took a breath because I’d stopped breathing. Unwillingly, moisture moved into my eyes. Tears started to form deep inside. Everything hurt.
The tears pooled into droplets and fell from the corners of her eyes. “Yes.”
My hands started to shake. I could feel every heartbeat and smell the scent of her perfume. This was real. It had to be. I wouldn’t go on if it weren’t.
“Yes.”
Now that she was right in front of me, I didn’t know what to do. I’d always hoped this would happen but I never expected it to. She was just within reach, and she was giving me an answer I’d dreamed of hearing.
“I’ll marry you.” More tears fell down her cheeks and her bottom lip quivered.
So much emotion was hitting me at once and my body could hardly take it. My own tears formed in my eyes but didn’t fall. But they were growing in size, their weight enough to form a drop.
I finally snapped out of the shock and cupped her cheeks with my hands. I placed my forehead against hers and breathed with her, feeling my body come back to life. All the pain faded away,
and I was being put back together, every passing second fixing something that was once broken. Our souls wrapped around each other, anchoring together permanently. Once they clicked, I heard it ring in my mind. My thumbs wiped away the tears streaked across her cheeks.
Her hands moved to my chest, the journal still held in one. Her free hand moved over my heart, feeling it beat through the skin. She continued to cry quietly, the emotion overpowering her. Francesca hardly ever cried, and I knew this instance was a good one.
I tilted her chin up and kissed the tears that continued to fall down her face. My lips felt her soft skin and trembled slightly at the touch. I’d never felt so much joy and pain at the same time. My body could hardly process what just happened. I’d wanted this for so long and now it was finally happening.
I couldn’t believe it.
I continued to hold Francesca because I never wanted to pull away. She was finally mine, wearing the ring I bought for her so long ago. She was an emotional mess in my arms, and my heart was just as wrecked.
But we were slowly putting each other back together. Our souls healed each other, and when we were combined like this, we were stronger. I held her on my doorstep and kept kissing her falling tears while she felt my heartbeat, waiting for it to return to normal.
We were getting our forever.
And it was starting now.
Bells
Francesca
Hawke lay beside me in his bed, his fingers interlocked with mine. His thumb brushed across the engagement ring, reminding him that it was real. His eyes never left mine, like he feared I would fly away without any notice.
I didn’t work the next day. Actually, I didn’t even show up.
He didn’t either.
We lay in bed together and held each other. We didn’t make love because our souls did that for us. All we wanted was to be together. His eyes drank me in like he was parched and his hands were always on me, feeling my soft skin.