by Jerry Cole
Basil hadn’t started to fade from his memory, not at all. Every time Trevor closed his eyes, he could see him. He would often check his phone and wonder if he would hear from Basil. Every time his phone buzzed in his pocket, he hoped it was a text from Basil. Part of him was dying to hear from him, because he wanted an apology, but he also understood one was unlikely to come.
Basil sent him a certified letter in the mail that told him he would still get paid for the year like he had assured him before. Part of Trevor wanted to dispute that because he thought it felt wrong to be paid for a year for something he wasn’t doing, but he thought about it a lot. He couldn’t exactly say no to that opportunity.
Lots of his actor friends were supported by a parent, spouse, or another sponsor. So what if his sponsor was an ex-boss? He couldn’t exactly turn down a salary like that. His pride made him feel like it was wrong, but he thought about it a lot and he decided to take it. It would be foolish not to. He would be undermining himself. Sure, he felt a stab of pain when he checked his bank account every other week, but on the other hand, he felt no pain when he was paying his bills on time. He loved that part of the arrangement.
He wasn’t used to it and he felt like he could get used to it. He knew he should probably be saving money, but since this casting director had just announced his role as a series regular on ICYMI, he was definitely doing a lot better than he had been before he’d met Basil. Except for his heart, which felt wounded every time he thought about Basil.
Trevor knew he should man up and stop thinking about Basil. He wasn’t going to be able to move on if he didn’t stop thinking about him like an idiot.
“Thanks again, Miss Berryman,” he said into the phone. She was still talking, which was good. He hadn’t been focusing on her. “I’ll see you on Monday.”
Sage beamed at him as he set the phone down next to him. She clasped her hand over his shoulder. “I’m so proud of you.”
“Thank you,” he said. “Y’know, it’s going to be weird. They don’t film here.”
“Would you have to move?”
“Yeah,” he replied. “Probably. Not too far, about two hours away, but still.”
She cocked her head. “Would you live by yourself?”
“Yes,” he said, smiling. “I don’t think I’ll ever find a roommate I like as much as you.”
“Unless you find a boyfriend,” she said.
He chuckled, shaking his head. “I’m off guys for now,” he said.
“Really? That’s a shame,” she said. “What about the cute guy who hit on you when you auditioned?”
“I don’t know,” Trevor said then licked his teeth. “I’m still kind of…”
“Reeling because of my stupid brother?” she asked. “He’s such a jerk.”
Trevor shrugged, twisting his lips. “I wish he hadn’t affected me this much. I don’t know why he did.”
“I’ve heard he can do that,” she said. “I try to keep my friends away from him for a reason.”
Trevor raised his eyebrows.
“Are you really surprised? He’s done this before,” she said, looking away from him and at her colorful nails. Trevor helped her with them and when the electric light caught them, they sparkled. “This is what happened with my best friend in high school, Daisy.”
“What happened?”
“She was just like, super in love with my brother,” Sage said. “I didn’t like the idea of it, but Daisy was going to do what she was going to do, y’know? So, she pursued him. She went after him for a while then…well, he wasn’t particularly impressed. They slept together, but my brother has never really been a relationship person. He broke her heart and I remember being so angry. I mean, we were only sixteen, but my brother was used to sleeping with whoever he wanted. I thought you would be fine because I really did think it was just a job, but…”
“It’s okay,” Trevor replied. “How were you supposed to know he was going to sleep with me?”
“I wish I had, though,” she said. “If I had, I would’ve kept him away from you.”
“If you had,” he replied, “then I wouldn’t be able to afford moving after getting a role. So, I’m glad you did. Even if I did pay with my dignity.”
He wanted to add he had also paid with his heart, but that seemed very dramatic. He didn’t want Sage to know just how much Basil affected him. He didn’t even want to think about that.
“I’m glad it kind of worked out,” Sage replied.
She opened her mouth to say something else, but someone knocked on the door.
***
They normally didn’t have unannounced guests and Trevor usually opened the door when someone who they weren’t expecting came over. Even though he wasn’t violent at all, he was certainly more intimidating than Sage was and he often enjoyed acting extra campy when it was someone trying to convert him to their religion. He found it kind of fun. Sage, on the other hand, hated it. He couldn’t really blame her.
He wasn’t expecting to see Basil standing there, as if nothing had happened. He was wearing a black button-up shirt and blue jeans that clung to his body. He looked so good that for a second, Trevor almost forgot everything that happened between the two of them. He wanted to close the space between their bodies and kiss Basil square on the lips. He knew he couldn’t do that, but it took everything in him to resist.
“Hi,” Basil finally said, breaking the silence.
“Hi,” Trevor replied.
“You look good,” Basil said. “I like the hair.”
Trevor wasn’t sure what to say so he just nodded. “Your sister is inside.”
“I’m not really here to see my sister,” Basil said. “I came to see you.”
Trevor twisted his lips. “I don’t know if—”
“I know,” Basil said. “I know I’m probably not someone you want to see and to be honest, I can’t blame you. How could I possibly blame you? I’ve been thinking about it a lot and what I did was beyond shitty.”
Trevor blinked. He hadn’t ever expected an apology from Basil. He wanted one, sure, but he never expected one. He expected Basil to forget about him completely, move on with his life, find a pretty girl, and have the children his parents wanted him to have. He didn’t need Trevor, that much was obvious.
“Okay,” Trevor finally replied.
Basil nodded. “That’s all I came here for,” he said. “I’ve been reevaluating my life and I realized just how terrible I was to you. I don’t want anything from you. I just wanted you to know I’m deeply sorry. If it were up to me, things…well, they wouldn’t have ended the way they did.”
“How would they have ended?” Trevor heard himself say. It was so fucking stupid, he shouldn’t have said anything, but he couldn’t help himself either. He really needed to know.
Basil smirked and his eyes shone. Trevor melted a little bit. “I don’t know,” he said. “I guess I would have liked to explore our relationship more.”
“Our fake relationship.”
“Yes,” Basil said. “Our fake relationship. I meant the honest parts of our fake relationship.”
Trevor raised his eyebrows. He certainly hadn’t expected to hear that. “What were the honest parts of our fake relationship?”
“When we were kissing,” Basil said, casting his gaze toward his feet. “When we were having sex…”
“You liked the sex, huh?” Trevor replied, smirking. He moved out of the way and he gestured for Basil to come in. He knew he should have told him to get lost, and he shouldn’t have invited him inside. He knew that and yet here he was, letting him in like an idiot.
Basil’s cheeks reddened and Trevor laughed. It was so cute to see Basil blush. He closed the door behind him.
“Sage is in the living room,” Trevor said.
“Thanks,” Basil replied. “I didn’t want to impose.”
“You’re not imposing,” Trevor replied. “Come on in. Do you want a drink?”
Basil looked him up and down. “Are y
ou sure?”
“Yes,” Trevor replied. “Please.”
***
Trevor and Basil were sitting in Trevor’s living room after Sage announced Amanda had called her and she needed to go. Trevor suspected that wasn’t the case after she had spent a little while looking at them and saying nothing. He was happy she hadn’t said anything because he wasn’t sure if he would have been able to talk as if everything was normal if she had pointed something out. So far, denial was working fine—he had yet to forgive Basil, he wasn’t sure he could. But he was enjoying sitting there, talking to him and pretending everything was normal as they both sipped on their respective beers.
Quite responsibly, he thought.
“I told my parents,” Basil said when there was a lull in the conversation.
Trevor cocked his head and watched him. “You told them what?”
“I told them I was lying to them,” Basil said, his voice even though he wouldn’t meet Trevor’s gaze. “I told them I didn’t want to have children just so there could be little Walker children who they could get to do their bidding.”
Trevor smiled. There was bitterness in Basil’s voice, but it was the first time Trevor felt like Basil had really opened up to him. Even when he was discussing the arrangement between them, Trevor had never thought he was being particularly honest about it—if anything, it seemed like a joke. This was the first time Basil expressed how annoyed and upset he was about his parents’ expectations and Trevor couldn’t help but be pleased.
He was especially happy at what Basil was telling Trevor. “So, you stood up to them?”
Basil shrugged. “I guess,” he replied. “I talked to my mom about how their expectations were a bit unreasonable and about…well, I talked about you.”
Trevor raised his eyebrows and licked his lips. “You did?”
“I needed to come clean,” Basil replied, gaze cast steadily on the floor. “Like, I shouldn’t have to hire a freaking fake boyfriend because I don’t want my parents to pressure me into having children. Incidentally, that didn’t work.”
Trevor smirked. “Turkey basters are a thing.”
Basil laughed and shook his head. “I think we can afford more than that.”
“Like a surrogate?” Trevor smiled without hesitation this time.
“I don’t know,” Basil said. “I don’t even know if I want to have children yet. All I know is I don’t want to have children for them.”
“Oh,” Trevor said, twisting his lips. “I’ve kind of always wanted children.”
Basil smiled. “I can be convinced.”
Trevor sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. He and Basil weren’t even together. They had no business talking about children. They had no business talking about anything. Trevor focused on his drink and tried to forget about how hard his heart was beating.
“So,” Basil said. “What have you been up to?”
“You know, not much,” Trevor said. “I got this role in this new television series as a regular.”
“What does that mean?”
“Well, I’m not one of the mains,” he said. “But I play her boyfriend. He’s a real dickhead and I’m pretty sure she gets together with another one of the main characters at some point during the first season. It’s enough to put me on the map, at least.”
“That’s wonderful,” Basil said and smiled widely. “I’m so happy for you.”
“Thank you,” Trevor replied, smiling back at him. There was a lump in his throat when he spoke, but he had to tell Basil about this. “Seriously. Without your support, I wouldn’t have been able to take this role, because I don’t think I would be able to afford moving.”
Basil’s eyes widened. “You’re moving?”
“Yeah,” Trevor replied. “I’m not sure when we start shooting, but I know I need to drive up to find an apartment and be around for table readings. That kind of stuff. I’ve never worked in a series before, but I’m going to take this and run with it.”
Basil nodded. “That makes sense.”
Neither one of them said anything else so Trevor finished his beer and put it down on the coffee table in front of him. When the silence got too uncomfortable, Trevor spoke.
“So, what about you? Other than standing up to your parents?”
“I’m moving out,” Basil said. “I’m moving closer to, um, this apartment. I was going to say I’m going to move closer to you, but I guess that’s not the case.”
Trevor nodded. He almost felt like apologizing, but of course he hadn’t consulted Basil about this change. Basil wasn’t his boyfriend. He was just some guy who gave him money every other week, Trevor reminded himself.
“That’s good,” Trevor replied. “You’ll like being out on your own.”
“I should probably hire a cleaning service,” Basil said.
Trevor laughed. “Or you could learn to clean.”
Basil gasped. “Who do you take me for?”
Trevor laughed again. Basil put the finished bottle of beer on the coffee table, brushed himself off, and stood up. “Listen,” he said. “I should probably get going. But this was nice.”
Trevor nodded. “It was.”
“Thank you for talking to me,” Basil said. “I know I didn’t deserve it.”
“It’s okay,” Trevor replied. “Let me walk you to the door.”
Trevor wondered what Basil was thinking as they both got up. Now that Basil had apologized, he seemed even hotter than before, and Trevor didn’t want to lose his head. They walked in silence until Trevor reached the door and opened it.
Basil turned to look at him. “I guess we won’t see each other again,” he said.
Trevor swallowed. “I don’t know when I’m leaving.”
“Okay,” Basil said. “Well, in any case, thank you very much. I wish you…I don’t know, do you say break a leg for a TV show?”
Trevor smiled. “Thank you, Basil. I hope everything turns out well for you.”
“Yeah,” Basil said. “You too.”
Trevor watched as Basil went out the door. As he went down the stairs in front of the entrance, the lump in Trevor’s throat grew. Once Basil took a left, presumably to go find his car, Trevor’s heart pounded hard in his chest. Before he could think about it, he sprinted forward and caught up to Basil.
He put his hand on Basil’s shoulder and Basil turned to look at him.
“Listen,” Trevor said as he slowly felt himself losing his nerve. Maybe this wouldn’t work out so well, maybe it wasn’t such a good idea, but it was too late to back down now. He didn’t mind a rejection. Basil had already rejected him in the most undignified way possible. Trevor didn’t think it could get any worse.
“What?” Basil asked.
“Do you want to go on a date?”
Basil raised his eyebrows.
“A real one,” Trevor said, wondering if the clarification was needed at all. “Where we can actually talk to each other and be ourselves without performing.”
Basil smiled. “I thought you were moving.”
“I am,” Trevor said. “But it’s just us having a good time, right? It’s not like we’re getting engaged or anything.”
Basil laughed and shook his head. “I feel like I should be mad at you.”
“If anything,” Trevor said. “I should be mad at you.”
Basil nodded. He looked pensive and quite far away for a second. “Are you?”
“A little,” he said. “I’m getting over it. This date will go a long way toward making me less angry.”
“Okay,” Basil replied. “Text me the details. I’ll make sure I’m available.”
Then he leaned down, kissed Trevor’s cheek, and turned around to walk away. Trevor watched until he turned a corner.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Basil wasn’t sure why he agreed to a date with a man who he was pretty sure he wasn’t likely to see again after a few weeks, but Trevor made such a big impact in his life he couldn’t help but want to see him agai
n. He wasn’t sure how he felt about men in general. All he was sure of was he wanted to be with Trevor again. He had woken up in the middle of the night and masturbated thinking about the way Trevor looked when he was riding him. It wasn’t only about the sex, however. There were so many things about Trevor he liked and they weren’t just related to the way Trevor made him feel.
He was whistling by the time he got to his car. He loved the idea he would get to go out on a date with Trevor.
A real one. Nothing to pretend.
He got into his car, rolled the windows down, put the music on full blast, and drove back home. He didn’t stop smiling until he reached the gate.
***
Before he knew it, the week had passed. Trevor and Basil had been texting through the week, and Basil found himself smiling more than ever whenever he heard from Trevor. His heart jumped in his chest every time his phone rang, and it made his day if Trevor just sent him pictures of cute animals or something funny he saw online. It was a little strange, because part of Basil felt like they had already done this. Except it had been pretend before and now it was real.
He wasn’t getting in touch with Trevor because he wanted it to look real. He was texting him because it was real, because he wanted to hear from Trevor, because it felt wrong not to. By the time Friday rolled around, Basil was as nervous as he was excited.
He was getting ready in his new apartment, a loft where the bedroom was on top of spiral stairs and the rest of the apartment was visible. The weirdest thing about living alone was having to cook for himself, but he was learning to enjoy it. It was something he never had to do before, so he often ended up making too much food, which he kept for later even if it wasn’t particularly tasty. He wouldn’t have been okay with wasting food.