* * *
“I’ve got it,” I told Jennifer as I crossed our small dorm room to answer the door. I was going to have to get used to having a roommate, so I wanted to let her know I could get the door instead of just pushing her aside to get there.
When I opened the door, Ethan stood there, and at that moment, I thought he was the reason for the saying a sight for sore eyes, because that he was. He looked better than I’d remembered from a month ago. His hair was a little longer, and he was growing a goatee. His sleepy eyes took me in and he said, “There’s our woman.” Unable to hold myself back, I threw my arms around him in an affectionate hug.
“I missed you, Ethan.” He laughed as he and Zane came into the room. “Guys, this is my new roommate, Jennifer Manders.” The young woman nodded out of politeness, her short blonde hair bobbing with the motion. She had a shy smile on her face. “Jennifer, these are two of my very good friends, Ethan Richards and Zane Carson.”
She waved her hand near her hip as though trying not to draw too much attention to herself. “Nice to meet you.”
Zane said, “We gonna eat or what? I’m fuckin’ starving.” Apparently, he felt the need to let my new roommate know right off the bat that he liked strong language and wasn’t afraid to use it. I had to give her credit. She didn’t even flinch.
Ethan furrowed one brow. “Jesus, man. We just got here.”
“We can talk on the way, standing in line, sitting down and eating, right? Am I missing something here?”
“Jennifer, would you like to eat dinner with us? We’re just heading over to the cafeteria.”
She smiled. “Sure.”
So, on our way to eat, Ethan talked nonstop. They’d worked on three fantastic songs over break, he said, and he wanted me to hear them sometime that week. He’d burned them to a CD and wanted me to check them out soon.
We were in line at the cafeteria when I asked, “So when are you guys gonna throw some videos up on YouTube?”
Jennifer spoke up. “Wait…so you guys have a band?” Zane smiled and nodded. “What do you guys play?”
Zane threw up the metal devil’s horn sign on both his hands. “Heavy metal, baby!” He stuck his tongue out and rolled his eyes back in his head, making an agh sound. If Jennifer wasn’t scared off by that, nothing would freak her out. That was good.
We got caught up in ordering our food, and then we went out into the dining area carrying our trays. We split up, getting drinks and salads and other accompaniments to our meal. We all met up at a booth near a back corner. Ethan sat next to Zane, and Jennifer sat beside me. It seemed that Zane made a special effort to sit directly across from me. Why I felt that way, I didn’t know, and then I realized it was likely my wild, active imagination working overtime again.
Ethan asked, “How was your Christmas, Val?” He was the one I wanted to talk to. He took a big bite out of his burger, waiting for my answer.
“It was okay.” I didn’t want to start my whine-fest again. I wanted our meal to be light and happy because, after all, that was the way I was feeling. I was lighthearted, being under the gaze of my friend whom I against wanted as my boyfriend. “How was yours?”
Ethan’s eyes moved back and forth, taking mine in. “Come on, Val. I heard you were a little down in the dumps. You can tell Uncle Ethan.”
I started laughing. He’d made me feel better already. “Later, Uncle Ethan.” I wouldn’t mind telling him everything if we could just be alone for a while.
“A bad sign, a very bad sign. The patient seems reluctant to speak about the past. I must make a note of that and, I’m afraid, I’ll have to recommend shock therapy.”
In spite of the subject matter, Ethan continued to make me giggle. “Fine. If you really must know right this minute, when I went home, I felt like my old best friend and I have grown apart. That’s all.”
Ethan lost his jokey manner and sobered up. His voice was tender, and it was as though the other two in our party no longer existed, even though Ethan and I were at a diagonal. “Sure that’s all?”
Well, yeah…aside from feeling a little lovesick, but no way were those words coming out of my mouth. “Does there need to be more?”
He smiled again. “Let’s catch up later talking about Christmas break, okay? Just me and you.” My breath caught in my throat. Maybe finally we could tell each other how we felt…if indeed he felt the same way about me that I did him. I nodded my head. “Promise?”
I smiled back. “I promise.”
At that second, all the noise and rambunctiousness of the cafeteria returned, and Ethan brought Zane and Jennifer back into the conversation. He started talking about an action/ adventure film he’d seen over the break and proceeded to tell about it in excruciating detail. I enjoyed watching his animated self entertaining me and our friends.
After dinner, though, we found ourselves alone. Zane and Jennifer headed back to the dorms, while Ethan and I decided to take a walk around campus. I felt a tiny surge of adrenaline find its way into my veins. Tonight could be our night. But I needed to quit being stupid about it. What if he really did want me as just a friend…forever? If that was the case, I needed to stop dreaming that it could ever lead to something else.
Once the other two were out of earshot and we were alone on a darkened path heading in the vague direction of the gigantic gymnasium, Ethan said, “What’s buggin’ you, kiddo? Zane told me what you told him, but is something else the matter?”
What could I say, aside from the secret desires I felt from him that I didn’t want to confess? No…those words had to stay as cold as the snow that was starting to fall on the sidewalk in front of us. “Jill doesn’t confide in me like she used to. We used to tell each other everything, but it felt like there was this huge fence between us, you know? I guess…she has other friends now.”
He shrugged, jamming his hands in his jeans pockets. “Sure, but so do you.”
“Yes, but—well, I never thought our friendship would change. We’ve been friends since grade school. But…that’s not what’s bothering me.” He looked over at me from the sidewalk. “I think there’s something she’s not telling me.”
“Like what?” We stopped walking, and he turned to face me.
He’d asked just the right questions, and there was no stopping the onslaught of words now. “I don’t even like to think about it.” I bit my lip, but I guessed I was going to charge full speed ahead. “She’s had this boyfriend for a couple of years. She didn’t say it, and I didn’t ask, but…I think she might be pregnant.”
Without saying a word, he laid his hand on my neck and brought my head to his shoulder. Oh, God…where the hell were all these tears coming from? And how had he known I’d needed to do that? And the words just kept coming. “I thought before that if she ever had a problem, she could come to me with it. It hurts me that she didn’t.” I sobbed and wiped my eyes with my hand. It was too damn cold to be doing this outside. I reached inside my coat pocket and grabbed my gloves to slide them on.
He kissed my cheek. Oh…it would have been so easy for me to just turn my head and make my lips meet his, but I froze. I was paralyzed. He looked me in the eyes. “Feel better now?”
I just nodded and Ethan grabbed my hand to lead me back toward the dorms. The bitter cold lashed at my wet face. His hand was firm around mine and gave me comfort. My voice was quieter than I’d expected when I said, “Thanks for listening.”
He squeezed my hand. “What are friends for?”
The snow was falling harder now and Ethan released my hand, instead wrapping his arm around my waist. I rested my head against his shoulder and didn’t care how much snow fell on my face. Ethan’s next words were unexpected. “I think Brad likes you.”
Wow. That was weird. And I knew Brad liked me…a lot. But no way would I say that. “Why?”
“Oh…just the way he looked at you and the way he couldn’t shut the fuck up about you over break.” Had he seen my close encounter with Brad that last night I’d b
een there? I’d been convinced he had, but now I wasn’t so sure. Still…
I didn’t want Ethan to think what had happened spoiled his chances with me. Whatever had happened between Brad and me was some weird, animalistic, electromagnetic, primitive thing that I seemed to have no control over. And it certainly wasn’t a deep love like I was beginning to feel for the man next to me. Still…I wanted him to feel comfortable with our friendship, especially if that was all it ever wound up being. “Well…I like Brad too. He’s a nice guy. And…any friend of yours is a friend of mine.” I slowly let out the breath that had filled my lungs as I tried to relax.
“I didn’t mean it that way.” I shrugged and feigned ignorance about Brad’s interest, and no more was said on the subject. I wrapped my arm around Ethan too so he’d know he was important to me and hoped this particular topic wouldn’t be brought up again.
* * *
Over the next month, Jennifer and I seemed to become close friends. We did everything together—eating our meals, studying at the library, exercising. She seemed to fill in the gap of my lost friendship with Jill, the one I still clung to because it seemed to signify the last vestige of who I was before coming to college.
Jill never did come to visit like she’d promised, and—really—it was no big surprise to me. Instead, she wrote me a long email confessing that she had in fact been pregnant, just as I’d guessed. She’d gotten an abortion and somehow her parents had found out. And they were old-school Catholics, so they weren’t too pleased. Rather than deal with the arguments and accusations, she moved out of her parents’ house and in with her boyfriend to move out of the light of her parents’ disapproving glares.
I felt bad for Jill, and I wondered how this would change her life. Did she love Chad, her boyfriend of just a couple of years? She was now a nineteen-year-old wife who had broken ties to her family, and I wondered what kind of emotional scars the abortion would leave her with. That couldn’t have been an easy decision, and had anyone been by her side when she’d decided it? When she’d gone through with it? I didn’t know that Chad would have been supportive in that way, but I hoped I was wrong. God…if I’d had the chance to talk with Jill, if we’d been able to talk like we had in high school, maybe I could have talked to her, felt her out. Did she really want to be married? Could she have tried to mend the issues with her parents? Did she even try? As her friend, maybe I could have helped her see the rational side. But what did I know? Maybe she’d made the best decision out of all the available options. The email somehow felt final, kind of like a Dear John letter, terminating our friendship. But I felt I still had to try to salvage what we had. So I emailed her back, but when she never responded, I took the hint. The email was, perhaps, her last farewell.
Zane…what was up with him in the new semester? It didn’t take me long to discover that he was definitely taking an interest in me, and I had no idea why. Maybe he was tired of seeing Ethan piss away one opportunity after another. And, aside from just telling Ethan I was madly in love with him, I didn’t know what else to do. I’d never been forward with a guy, and—coming from an old-fashioned family—I thought it was his job to make the first move. So I tried to at least create the ideal environment for that first move. I spent time with him; we texted a lot, usually about music or something funny; and he’d caught me multiple times just looking at him with a sappy look on my face.
But Zane…he came over to my dorm room. A lot. Usually uninvited, though not unwelcome. He started walking with me to my classes when he could. At first, I thought he was interested in Jennifer, but he wasn’t walking her around, and he was never in my dorm room chatting her up before I got home. And, to quell any doubts I had in my mind, he later invited me to the first dance of the semester.
His dark blue eyes twinkled when he asked me, and at first I thought he was joking. Then I could have kicked myself. When he and I had talked in January, I hadn’t confessed the complete scope of the affection I felt for Ethan. That was my fault entirely. Zane had asked, and I’d just told him Ethan was my best friend. I hadn’t told Zane my secret desire was to be Ethan’s girlfriend, was to snuggle up close to him, was to have him kiss me like I’d never been kissed before.
Zane waited for my answer to his question, and when I gave it, I was slow and cautious. “I’m…not sure, Zane.”
He wasn’t a quitter. He pushed back his black hair and leaned forward. God, he really was gorgeous, and my subconscious started giving him serious consideration. “Why not? We’re friends, right?” His eyes searched mine and then he said, “It’s Ethan, isn’t it?” I couldn’t say a word, and my silence told him what he needed to know. “Valerie, you need to forget about him except as a friend.” He stared at me. “Trust me on this. Come with me to the dance. I know you care about Ethan a lot, no matter what you say, so don’t even try to deny it. But what would it hurt for you to go to the dance with me?”
“Oh, Zane. I know Ethan won’t ask me to the dance. That’s not it. But it’s a Valentine’s Day dance. And if I go with you…” I felt the wind leave my sails. Much as I cared for Ethan, I didn’t want to hurt the man who’d actually grown a pair to ask.
He knew what I was saying, though. “He’ll think we’re a couple, right?” He paused. “Jesus fuck. Val, I really don’t want to be the dickhead to tell you this…” I could see some kind of emotional struggle in his eyes. “No. Fuck it. Not going there.”
“What?” No way was he getting away with not talking now.
“No. Forget it.” He took a deep breath. “Just…never mind.”
He started to stand up, so I stood too. He was tall, but I still reached for his shoulders. I wasn’t going to be demanding, because that already had gotten me nowhere, but I knew he was withholding something from me, and I wanted to know. “Please tell me.” He looked at me and then above my head at the wall behind me. “Is it something I’ll find out anyway?”
And that’s when I saw the change in his eyes. Yeah…it was something I’d find out later. He looked almost sad. He sighed and then said, “Ethan…uh…is taking another girl to the dance.”
The breath left me just as surely as it would have had someone punched me in the gut and thrown me to the ground, following it up with a few kicks. I couldn’t hide my feelings, because they were too fresh, and I’m sure I looked like a wounded animal. “Oh…”
Wow. That hurt more than I would have expected, because I’d thought I was okay with the best friends/ maybe relationship down the line stance Ethan had taken. But now I knew. Ethan didn’t love me that way, probably never would. I had to grow up and face reality. So I had to accept that the occasional arm around my shoulders, kiss on my cheek, and hand in mine were simply friendly gestures that meant something entirely different to Ethan than they did to me.
And that meant another thing as well. That meant it was time to give other guys their shot. I’d thwarted advances from classmates here and there without the guys ever getting far enough to actually have to be rejected. It was time to accept other guys’ interest in me, and I would start with Zane. Zane, an incredibly good-looking guy who was also a friend—he’d be a great first candidate, and I guessed he was just in the right place at the right time. I nodded. “Okay.” I took a deep breath and Zane didn’t say a word. He looked like he felt guilty as hell. “The dance is tomorrow night, right?”
He looked unsure, as though we were venturing into unknown territory…and, really, we were. “Uh...yeah.”
I took a deep breath and tried to smile, but I’m sure it looked like my cheeks had been injected with Novocain. “What time will you come by?”
Zane tried to appear sober, but I could see the twinkle in his eyes return. “So…you’ll come with me?”
I nodded. “Yeah.”
He got his bearings back. “Um…eight o’clock sound all right?”
“Yeah…”
He placed his hands on my shoulders. “You okay? Goddamn. I’m sorry I said anything. What an asshole.”
&nbs
p; I shook my head. “No. No, Zane. You were just the messenger.” I forced the smile this time. If I really didn’t care about Ethan in that way—as I’d been trying to convince Zane—then it shouldn’t hurt at all, right? So I had to make the smile convincing. “No worries. We’re going to have a great time.”
“Yeah, we are.” He hugged me, and I’m sure he sensed he shouldn’t go any further…not yet, anyway. Because he knew. Deep down, he knew. No matter what I said, it was pretty apparent to every fucking person on the planet except Ethan that I loved the boy. So Zane was going to try to comfort me or, at the very least, help me save face. And I appreciated that. Sure, I knew he had an ulterior motive, but I wasn’t going to hold that against him. And I’m sure I wasn’t doing his ego any favors. He knew he wasn’t my first choice. But maybe he cared enough about me that it didn’t matter.
When he left my room, I just leaned my back against the door, trying to recover. And I was glad Jennifer had a class, so she wouldn’t be home for a while. I would be able to deal with this fresh pain on my own for a while. The wounds were too fresh, and I wasn’t ready to talk about them yet.
I threw myself on my bed and cried and cried to the point of exhaustion. I half filled my wastebasket with wadded-up tissues. After I got over my feelings of heartache, I then felt pangs of jealousy against this girl I didn’t even know, the girl who’d managed to capture Ethan’s heart when I wasn’t looking.
And then I thought…maybe going to the dance with Zane would be my form of revenge…not even let Ethan know how much he’d hurt me.
I took a deep breath. No, I couldn’t be like that.
But I didn’t want to act like a little child either and refuse to go. I’d already promised Zane, and who knew? Maybe I’d have fun after all.
It was another reminder that I really had fallen helplessly in love with Ethan. And, I told myself, if he doesn’t want to go to the dance with me, that’s fine, just as long as he’s happy. Oh, yes. I could think those words, but believing them was another thing entirely.
Dirty Boys: Bad Boy Rock Star Romance Box Set Page 9