And those feelings? I was having a hard time shaking those too.
I felt so vulnerable, so much in pain that I could be easily destroyed. I needed to bounce back, as had been my nature up to this point. That was when I decided life really does go on, and I was going to enjoy myself at the dance.
Chapter Nine
“OH, MY GOD, Val, you look so cute,” Jennifer said as I put the finishing touches on my look. My normally straight, shiny brown hair now cascaded in curls down my back over the flaming red strappy dress I’d chosen to wear. Earlier that morning, I’d walked downtown to a consignment store to look at semi-formal dresses and chosen that little number. It wasn’t tight, but it fit like it had been made for me, and red always brought out the color in my cheeks and eyes. Looking at myself in the mirror one last time, I thought that Ethan had never seen me dressed up before.
No. I had to push him out of my head. I had to forget the emotions I had for him and start over. I couldn’t do that if I thought about him every few minutes. I looked at my reflection again. I really did look pretty. I’d never been one to obsess over her own looks, but I’d done my makeup in such a way that my eyes stood out and I looked almost…glamorous. And the two-and-a-half inch heels weren’t something I’d normally wear either, but they did something for my calves that were just barely peeking out from under the tea-length skirt.
Jennifer was going to the dance with a guy she’d met in one of her classes. She left when he came by to get her, and then I was left all alone with my reflection. Zane should be arriving at any minute, and I had to get in the proper mindset. I had to plan to have fun. He’d asked the day before if I wanted to go out to eat first, but I knew Zane didn’t have a vehicle on campus, so that would mean either walking downtown or going to one of the eateries on campus. Neither idea sounded particularly fun, so I told him I’d just grab a bite at the cafeteria with Jennifer as planned. Zane might have even planned to spring for a cab, but I knew he was a poor college student just like I was, so I wasn’t even going to ask.
When Zane got to the door, I was surprised. He was wearing a suit, and it shocked me. I don’t know what I’d been expecting, but it wasn’t that. And…he looked damn good. He must have thought the same about me, because he smiled and then peeked his head in my room. “Is Valerie here? If she’s not, I’ll just take you to the dance.”
I started laughing. “You look pretty good yourself.”
He grinned. “Thanks, but…” He let out a long whistle. “Jesus. I don’t know how the hell I’ll keep all the guys at the dance off you.”
I blushed and giggled, and I was afraid my cheeks probably matched the color of my dress. “I’m sure they’ll all be plenty tied up with their sweethearts.”
He brought his hand out from behind his back to produce a pink carnation which he handed to me. I smiled as its scent touched my nose. “Oh, Zane…you didn’t have to do that.”
His smile was slight and sweet. “I wanted to.”
“I should have something around here…” I thought Jennifer might have an empty water bottle in her trashcan, and I did see one when I peeked. I filled it almost full at the sink and then placed it on my desk with the carnation in it. “It’s really pretty. Thanks.” And I felt a little shy doing it, but I kissed him on the cheek. An unexpected flower deserved nothing less.
I grabbed my dorm key off my desk and then pulled my long black wool coat out of my closet, tucking the key in a pocket. It was perhaps the only coat I’d ever owned that didn’t completely ruin the illusion of a glamorous dress.
We didn’t say much on our walk toward the ballroom located in the student center. I’d only ever seen that room used for banquets and convention-type activities on campus, so I was looking forward to seeing it used for what it had been designed for. Zane got brave and grabbed my hand. I smiled. After a few more steps, he said, “Bet they won’t be playing the kind of music we usually appreciate, eh?”
“I heard they got a DJ, so we could always request a little Miss May I, don’t you think?”
He started laughing. “Yeah, and I’m sure all the fraternity douchebags would eat it up.”
“They just might.”
He laughed even harder as we reached the outside door, and he pulled it open for me. The student center was always darker at night, but it was just as busy. I knew there was some movie marathon going on in the theater, for starters, but there were bodies buzzing here and there, heading toward different places.
When we got to the ballroom, the dance was well underway. It was dark in there, but there were lots of colored lights bouncing off the walls, and the DJ was lit up against one wall, already playing some slow-moving, sappy song I’d never heard before. Couples were already entwined on the dance floor, swaying to the beat of the music.
There was an untended coat rack by the doors, so Zane slid the coat off my shoulders and hung it up. It might not have been cold inside, but the air made my bare shoulders feel chilly nonetheless. We looked over the sea of bodies, moving as though in tune to a breeze flowing over them. “Might as well get started,” he said and led me to the edge of the crowd. Then he wrapped his arms around my waist.
A slow dance was probably something I was better at. Loving metal music, I’d never had much reason to learn to dance. I could bang my head just as good as anyone else, and even moshing didn’t require rhythm or killer moves. So dancing? Not my thing. But slow dancing…I thought I could handle it. So I placed my forearms on his shoulders as he drew me close, and our motions started resembling those of the rest of the crowd.
Oh, shit. He smelled really good, and I hadn’t noticed until I was up close. His cologne was masculine (for lack of a better word) and tempting and made me want to get even closer. And I hadn’t realized how rock hard his body was until I was up against him. What struck me right then was a couple of things—first of all, I hadn’t been kissed since high school and, really, I hadn’t had much experience at it. I’d had a couple of boyfriends in the past, but they were from my church back at home, so I’m sure you can imagine that our kissing was rated PG-13 at best. Second…I was ready to move into rated R territory. With Zane? I didn’t know. But the way I felt in his arms surprised the hell out of me. My emotional response to him was strong, and I never would have expected that.
He said in my ear, “I wasn’t kidding when I said you look nice.”
His breath right there didn’t help the crazy feelings roiling inside my body, just barely kept intact under the surface. What was going on with me? Was it the flower he’d brought me? The fact that I’d been pining for and rejected by Ethan for so long? But here I was, all willing and eager. I was glad it was darkish in the ballroom, because I was sure I was blushing yet again. “You look great too, Zane.” And was that as inane sounding to him as it was to me? But he really did look good. And just as my consciousness acknowledged it, I realized the rest of me started thinking about Ethan, wondering where he was, what he was doing…if he was actually here at this dance or if he was fucking some girl in his dorm room while Zane was conveniently away.
God, I was just torturing myself, and I needed to stop. I was young and vibrant, and Zane had made it clear that he was interested, even if Ethan wasn’t. I leaned my head on Zane’s shoulder, determined to keep our conversation light and friendly, if indeed we wound up talking at all.
As our bodies turned with the music, my eyes took in the doors to the ballroom. As though fate were mocking me, in walked Ethan with a tall, thin blonde hanging on his arm. Ethan looked cocky and maybe even a little drunk. I wondered if he and the blonde had had a little fun before the dance. I certainly didn’t want to know.
I closed my eyes, angry with myself that I was so upset over what Ethan was doing. I didn’t even know that girl and I already felt like I hated her, and I was praying that Ethan’s relationship with her wouldn’t grow serious.
Poor Zane. I was so glad he didn’t know what I was thinking. I needed to get control over myself, so when the
song ended, I excused myself for a just a moment. I felt a tremendous surge of relief that Ethan and his date were no longer near the doors. The hallway was brighter than the ballroom, so I had no problems orienting myself and walked down the hall toward the restrooms. There were a couple of girls in there touching up their lipstick and chatting about the dance. I just needed a place to get a grip on my emotions, so I walked into a stall and just rested my forearm on the side, then pressed my forehead into my arm. And there I stood for a good several minutes just regaining my composure. I promised myself that I’d have fun, no matter what. Zane was a fun guy, nice and good looking, and he was obviously attracted to me. Just because I’d never considered him before didn’t mean he wasn’t worth my attention. I tried to just dwell on him, and suddenly I was transported. I remembered how he smelled and how his soft hair felt brushing my hands when we’d been dancing. Yes…Ethan could have his fun, and I could too.
So, when I returned to the ballroom, I was full of hope. And I maintained that hope even when I saw Zane talking with Ethan near the wall where the DJ was stationed. I took another deep breath, praying that I could be polite. As I approached them, Zane’s smile reached his ears. I smiled back and then looked at Ethan and said hi. I was surprised at his response, because he seemed frozen, as though he couldn’t tear his eyes from me. Oh, shit. Did he feel the same way I did and I was too stupid to ever realize it till now, or was he as shocked as Zane had been at how different I looked? Ethan looked good too, but he hadn’t gone to the same pains Zane had…Ethan was wearing more of an if-a-rock-star-frontman-dressed-up getup. And that was not good for me to see. He looked pretty hot—dark tight jeans and a button-down black shirt. I took a deep breath again, trying to clamp down all the emotions ready to fly off inside me. How could I bury this weird emotion, this one pretending to be love for Ethan if he kept doing little things to stir it up? But I couldn’t let it bother me. I was going to play nice, hide those feelings, and enjoy my date. Could Ethan or Zane see through my façade? They both knew me better than I’d thought, so I hoped I could pull it off.
As I got there, Zane decided to play alpha male and slipped his arm around my waist. “I was telling Ethan what you said, about requesting something hardcore from the DJ.”
I was okay with Zane’s display, because it instantly made me feel braver. I was wondering where the tall blonde was who had walked in with Ethan, but she snuck up behind him and snaked her hands around his waist, kissing him on the neck. That green monster inside me grabbed me by the spleen and squeezed. In direct proportion, I fought to keep the smile on my face. I looked at Zane and said, “I could stand some pretty severe headbanging right now. What about you?”
“Hell, yeah.”
I grinned. “Hang on.” I sauntered over to the DJ’s table, knowing I had their full attention and wondering exactly what the DJ could play here that the sweethearts wouldn’t freak out too much about.
When I got to his table, he pulled off his headphones. He looked bored. “You have a request?”
“Well, kind of.” I raised my voice so he could hear me over the music.
“What’ll it be?”
“Um…my friends and I aren’t really into this music, and I know there’s not a lot you can play with the type of crowd you’re catering to right now, but I wondered…how big is your selection of music?”
He still didn’t appear to be amused, but he pointed down at a laptop computer. “Name it.”
I tried to quickly in my mind think of artists whose music wasn’t so raucous it would scare pop lovers off. Something a little more mellow, less gritty. I knew there were plenty of crossover rock bands although I didn’t listen to them that much, and I knew even some of my favorites had a few lighter tunes. Still…I was grasping at straws. I said, “My friends and I love to listen to hard heavy metal, but you can’t really dance to it, and I don’t want to ruin the fun, but I still want to freak my friends out if I can get you to play something a little more up our alley.”
He raised his eyebrows as if trying to urge me to hurry the hell up.
I was panicking. “Got any Kid Rock?”
This time he actually cracked a smile. “Name it.”
And then a little devil jumped up on my shoulders, just like in the old cartoons. Or at least it felt that way. I could have picked something innocent, and I certainly could have picked something less offensive by Kid Rock, but no. My tongue let it loose before my conscience could wrestle with it. “How about ‘So Hott’?”
“You got it. But, just so’s y’know, the bad words’ll be muted.”
“That’s fine.” Oh, shit, what had I done? “Thanks.”
I started to walk away when he said, “Give me five minutes or so.”
I nodded and kept walking, ready to crawl into a hole. That little devil was about to get me in a bunch of trouble. I could maybe play innocent and blame it on the DJ, but I wasn’t going to do that either. When I rejoined my group, I felt almost giddy. I had a secret, and I was going to shock the hell out of them.
And I figured it would get both men’s attention. Zane asked, “So?”
I grinned and was glad to see Ethan’s little blonde had disappeared again. “So…you’ll just have to wait and find out.”
He smiled at me. “Little tease…”
Ethan was quiet, and I couldn’t read the look on his face. “You look really nice tonight.”
Oh, I should have been nice. I really should have. “Yeah, and the rest of the time I look like shit.” Whoa. First off, I was cussing a lot more having hung out with these boys for half a year but then…had that dig really been necessary? Probably not. “Oh, sorry. Um…you look nice tonight too.” Hot, really, but I wouldn’t have said that, even with the pair of balls I was starting to grow.
“Thanks.” Okay…I couldn’t take looking into those hard green eyes anymore. That usual glint was there, but there was something else too. Desire? I looked away, over to Zane, trying to think of something to say, but I had to break eye contact with Ethan. Yeah, I knew his eyes were filled with desire, but it couldn’t have been for me.
Still…I felt a pull toward him. For the first time since the first day I’d met him, choosing to sit by him based solely on his looks, I could admit to myself that Ethan was an attractive guy. He was gorgeous, and he looked great in black. Zane started to say something when the DJ switched to yet another slow pop song. I was hoping the DJ hadn’t been lying earlier and would actually play what I asked him to. Ethan said, “Mind if I steal your date for a dance?”
I was looking at Zane when he shrugged. “Up to her.” But I could tell he wasn’t too happy about it.
I drew in a deep breath. Oh, Ethan. Why? And why now? When I looked over at him, his eyebrows were raised in question. “Dance?”
I felt awkward as hell. “Um, sure.” He didn’t try reaching for my hand, and I was glad. That wouldn’t have been cool. And where the hell was his date anyway? He led us right to the middle of the crowd, far away from eyesight, considering it was dark and crowded near the center.
My stomach clenched tightly as Ethan faced me on the dance floor and slid his hands onto the small of my back, pulling me close. But I didn’t want to be too close, not after I’d seen the way his eyes had looked at me back there. It wouldn’t be fair to the guy who’d actually asked me out. I wrapped my arms around his neck hesitantly, not wanting to get too close. I was afraid my cool exterior would blow away if I got too close.
And his gaze…oh, Lord, I could barely take the heat of it. I couldn’t look him in the eyes anymore and dropped mine to look at his neck. “I meant what I said back there…you look spectacular.”
Why in hell was my heart speeding up? Don’t look at him! “I meant it too, Ethan. Black’s your color.” What? I really said that out loud?
“So why did you come with Zane?”
Oh, I wanted to say Because someone else didn’t ask me. Instead, I said, “He asked.” There. There could be no misconstruing my word
s.
“Anything wrong, Val?”
Quickly, I said, “Nope.”
He lowered his head a little, forcing me to look in his eyes or else risk looking like a real jerk. “You sure?” I just nodded, cautious. “You and Zane look pretty good together. Did you plan the outfits?”
I started laughing. “You’ve known Zane a lot longer than I have. Does he look like the kind of guy who’d plan outfits with a girl?”
He grinned. “No. Guess not.”
“You and…that girl look nice too.” I wasn’t sure I meant it, but I needed to be polite.
We were quiet for a few moments, and I rested my head against his shoulder. Then he said, “Mercy.”
“What?”
“Mercy. Her name’s Mercy.”
“Your date?”
“Yeah.” I was painfully aware of his hands shifting position on my back. Then he moved them up farther, pressing me closer, and I felt like I could barely breathe, simply because I was so nervous. I felt his breath against my ear, and he said, “I’m glad you’re my friend, Valerie.”
I wasn’t quite sure what to say. Did he even mean it? Or did he mean something else entirely? I just said, “I am too,” but there was no way I was going to look at him. I felt his lips against my neck. Was I imagining that? The fingers of my right hand tensed against his neck so that my nails were pressing into the flesh, and I was tempted…so tempted to look at him. I knew if I did…
But then I heard Zane asking to cut in. Ethan let go, and I could tell he was reluctant. “See you later, Val.” But it was for the best.
* * *
Zane was still laughing as we walked up to his dorm room. The DJ had waited longer than five minutes to play the Kid Rock song, but he’d done it as he’d promised. I played it off, feeling more like my old self again. Zane thought it was hilarious seeing how some of the more prim girls reacted, although there were plenty of other girls (and guys) who loved the song choice. And I was glad he didn’t take it as a signal that I wanted to be fucked, to use the Kid’s word.
Dirty Boys: Bad Boy Rock Star Romance Box Set Page 10