Nothing to Lose

by Angela Winters

  As she waited outside Porter’s building, Billie reflected that she probably shouldn’t have drunk that Red Bull before coming over. She was a tiny dynamo at the moment, having a hard time focusing. But this shouldn’t be difficult. She just needed a little help with her nerve.

  She was actually very excited. Things were about to change for her. When she’d mentioned to the girls the other day about getting Porter to let her see Tara again, it hadn’t really occurred to her before that moment. Now it was all she could think about.

  She did everything she could to keep her thoughts from Michael, not wanting it to interfere. Things were going so well with him in the last week. After their argument, they’d met for dinner and he said his apologies. He admitted to being wrong for reading her phone and said he wanted to understand, but he just didn’t want to invest his heart in someone who was obsessed with her ex.

  For her part, realizing how much she missed him in just that short span of being apart, Billie made promises to let her issues with Porter go. It wasn’t a lie. Now that she was confident she’d get to see Tara, she truly intended to keep her promise to Michael and Porter. She was going to let it go. After all, she could really see herself falling in love with Michael. If she could have Michael and Tara, then Porter would lose all significance in her life.

  She and Michael had spent almost every evening together. It was hard not bringing the topic up. She loved Tara and missed her so much; Billie wanted to share that with him, but she knew it wasn’t the right time. Of all the pain she’d felt in the last year, losing her connection to Tara was the worst.

  It was remembering this truth that gave her the courage the second she saw Porter step out of the building. He turned right to head down the street and that was where Billie intercepted him.

  He stopped in his tracks, taking a moment to register what was happening.

  “What the fuck do you want?” he asked.

  “I’ll be quick,” she said. “I’m meeting my boyfriend for dinner.”

  “Great,” he said. “Be on your way to your next failed relationship.”

  “I was on my way up to your offices.” She placed both hands casually on her hips and looked up at him with a teasing gaze. “I was going to tell your bosses how disappointed I am in your work.”

  “I got to hand it to you, Billie. You got me last time. You played that well.”

  “I learned that trick from you,” she said. “Making someone else look foolish, while you seem so innocent and not intentional. I did a great job, if I say so myself.”

  “It worked once,” he said, a look of disdain on his face, “but it won’t work again. I’m onto you now. You’re not gonna get away with that shit.”

  “I don’t need to,” Billie said, feigning sympathy. “You see, Gil caught the bait too. He’s actually worried you’re not up to working for me, for us. I’m inclined to agree with him, especially after that last outburst.”

  Porter sighed heavily, his entire body lifting and lowering in defeat. He tilted his head to the side and looked at her with no sign of emotion on his face.

  “You’ve won,” he said. “Whatever it was you wanted to win, you got it. So, why not just stop before it gets out of hand?”

  “Funny,” Billie said, placing her index finger on her chin and looking up, “I recall saying that same thing to you during our divorce proceedings when you blindsided me and took everything. I think I also said it, after you paid a paralegal at my firm to spy on me so you could get me in trouble. And what about that time—”

  “I get it,” Porter said. “I don’t have time for this, Billie. What do you want?”

  “I want my daughter,” she said plainly.

  Porter’s jaw clenched; his eyes narrowed. “She is not your daughter. She was—notice the word ‘was’—your stepdaughter. She’s not anymore.”

  “Leave it to someone like you to think that titles are what matter,” Billie said. “I want to see her.”

  “I’m surprised at you, Billie,” he said, seeming disappointed. “I never thought you’d use her in all of this.”

  Billie laughed. “Your hypocrisy is disgusting. You used her so many times to hurt me or to pull me closer to you. You sent her away to hurt me for turning you down again.”

  “I love my daughter,” he said. “More than you ever could, and I—”

  “Save it,” Billie said, determined to get this straight. “Besides, I’m not using Tara to get to you. I’m using you to get to Tara. I want to see her.”

  “So you can fill her head with poison against me?” he asked.

  “I’ve never done that!” Billie yelled, losing her cool for the first time in this encounter. “Even after everything you’ve done to me, I never tried to turn her against you. You would have deserved it, but I never did that.”

  “Then for what?”

  Billie shook her head in disbelief. He could never understand. That was how void of real feelings he was. It was pitiful and maddening at the same time.

  “I love her, Porter. I want to see her, hug her, and talk to her about her life. I want to remind her that I still think about her, miss her, and pray for her.”

  Porter lifted his head up, leaning away to gain his own composure. For a second, Billie thought she saw some real feeling, some weakness in his eyes, but only for a moment. Within seconds, that cold stare came back. That wall was never going to fall, but Billie had passed the point of caring.

  “Not only will I stop . . . this,” she said. “But I’ll give you a glowing review to your bosses. I’m sure that’ll smooth things over when your promotion comes up in a few months.”

  Porter contemplated her words for a moment, before asking, “What about Gil?”

  “I’ll get him to do the same,” she agreed. “Don’t worry about how. He’s my boss and he likes me. If I want him to give you great marks, I’ll figure out how to get it.”

  “Because his praise is what matters,” Porter said. “Not yours.”

  “Don’t push me, Porter,” she warned. “Make it happen.”

  Without another word, she turned and left.

  When Erica showed up at Distinctive Car Wash in Columbia Heights, she immediately spotted Terrell. Her stomach tightened at the sight of him. He’d changed since the last time she’d seen him, about five months ago. After they’d broken up, he started to deteriorate. He looked worse every time she’d seen him in his hopeless attempts to get her back. Eventually he’d given up.

  Erica was grateful. She wasn’t afraid she’d take him back. That would never happen after he’d gotten Nate involved with drug dealers. There was no going back from that. It was just as long as he tried to win her back, he would be on her mind. She needed him to stop believing they could get back together, so she could move on with her life.

  Erica had. Even though she hadn’t started dating yet, she was going very long periods of time without even thinking about Terrell. Now, looking at him as he sprayed a white SUV down with the hose, he’d gained weight and let his hair grow into cornrows. He had a cigarette in his mouth, and he’d never smoked a day that she’d known him. At least she hoped it was a cigarette.

  There were two other men with him. One was wiping the car with soap, while the other was inside the car, cleaning off the dashboard. Both of them saw her before Terrell did. Their stares are what made him turn to look. When he did, his mouth opened just enough for the cigarette to fall out. The hose nozzle fell to his side with only a drip. He stared at her for a few seconds more before dropping the hose and walking over to her.

  “Erica,” he said softly.

  He was standing a couple of feet from her now, looking as if he wasn’t sure she was really there.

  “Erica,” he repeated.

  “Hi, Terrell,” she responded. “Can we talk?”

  “What are you doing here?” he asked.

  “You know why I’m here,” she answered.

  His dumbfounded expression changed as reality seemed to set in. He sighed, l
owering his head for a bit before looking at her again.

  “Yeah, I guess I do.” He nodded for her to follow him as he walked toward the side of the building.

  Erica followed him; and just before turning to head down the alley next to the building, she looked back at the green BMW parked on the street. Alex looked back at her from the driver’s side. She gave him a thumbs-up to let him know it was okay and disappeared around the corner.

  “This private enough for you?” he asked.

  She nodded. “I just want—”

  “I miss you,” he said. “I feel like . . . I don’t know, Erica. Seeing you . . . I just miss you.”

  The way he was looking at her, as if about to break down and bare his soul to her, made Erica uncomfortable.

  “Jonah knows it’s you,” she said. “You sent that letter. It was stupid, Terrell.”

  Terrell shook his head. “You haven’t seen me in five months and all you can do is put me down?”

  “I’m sorry,” she said, “but this is serious and you need to understand that. You’re playing with fire.”

  “Blah, blah, blah,” he said, gesturing his annoyance with her warning. “I’ve heard it all before. I don’t give a shit.”

  “You have to give a shit,” Erica warned, “because Jonah does. And when he gives a shit, it is on.”

  “I saw you,” he said, running his hand over his cornrows. “I went over there, waiting for him to show up. I just wanted him to see me to get a little nervous.”

  “That’s just it,” Erica said. “Terrell, men like Jonah don’t get nervous. They get mad.”

  “But I saw you,” he continued, ignoring her words. “I saw you walk in that building and I knew that he’d gotten you.”

  Now it was time for Erica to lower her head. She felt ashamed, remembering all of those times she’d promised Terrell she would keep Jonah at arm’s length.

  “It’s not what you think,” she explained. “I’m just working for him. It’s a job. It’s a paycheck. We’re not close or anything.”

  “Then why are you here?” he asked. “He sent you, didn’t he?”

  “I’m not here for him,” Erica said. “I’m here for you. He didn’t send me, Terrell. He was just gonna handle it. I’m here to warn you.”

  “So you do care about me?” He shoved his hands into his pockets.

  Erica took a step back from him. “Don’t read this wrong. Please don’t do that. I’m here to save you from harm, possibly even save your life.”

  “You were my life,” Terrell said. “That’s why when I saw you walk in there, I was like ‘fuck it.’ Then I left the note, because I’m not afraid of him anymore. And I’ve lost you.”

  “You don’t have to lose everything else,” she said.

  Terrell laughed. “Have you taken a look at my life, girl?”

  “Jonah is the only reason you aren’t in jail now,” Erica said. “When that bust happened last year, your name was left out because of him.”

  Terrell smirked. “I don’t owe him shit. He ruined my life.”

  “You ruined your life,” Erica said. “You used to be man enough to know that. You didn’t used to blame other people.”

  “And I won’t anymore,” he said, smiling. “Whatever happens, happens.”

  “If you think knowing the streets is gonna keep you safe, you’re—”

  “I’m gonna talk,” he said. “I’ll call the news and the blogs and all that shit. He’s the VP candidate. They’ll want to hear from me. I’ll get famous, and he can’t do shit.”

  “He’ll get to you before you get to them,” she said. “Or, he’ll get to them before they can report what you told them.”

  “I have another solution.”

  Erica swung around in astonishment to see Alex walk toward them.

  “Who the fuck are you?” Terrell asked, looking around nervously.

  “What are you doing?” Erica asked. “I told you not to—”

  “He’s with you?” Terrell asked.

  “No.” Alex passed Erica, giving her a regretful glance. “I’m with Jonah Nolan, Terrell. I work for him.”

  Terrell got into a fighting stance. “Bring it.”

  “I don’t want to fight you,” he said. “I just want to make you an offer.”

  “Alex!” Erica wasn’t sure what was going on, but she knew it wasn’t good. “What are you doing?”

  Alex held his hand up to her in a gesture to hold on. “I have this under control, Erica. I’m on direct orders from Jonah.”

  “What do you want?” Terrell asked.

  “One hundred and fifty thousand dollars,” Alex said. “Have you ever seen that much money, Terrell?”

  “Don’t talk down to me,” Terrell warned him.

  “Sorry.” Alex nodded apologetically. “But it’s a lot of money, and I think it would be enough to guarantee you’ll let this go . . . forever.”

  “Oh, my God,” Erica said, disgusted. “Alex, he doesn’t care—”

  “How fast?” Terrell asked.

  Erica’s eyes widened as she saw Terrell. He had an eager expression on his face as he looked at Alex.

  “Twenty-four hours,” Alex said. “But you have to understand that—”

  “Wait a second.” Erica stepped in between them, looking at Terrell. “Is this what it’s about? Money? You just want money?”

  Terrell wouldn’t look her in the eye, his gaze averted to the left. He looked ashamed, but resigned to his choice.

  “I got nothing left, Erica. I’m not getting you back. I’m not getting back on track without you. Like you said, I can’t fight Jonah. I need to get mine. I need to get something out of this. I’ve gotten shit and I’ve lost everything.”

  Erica just let out a breathless whimper to signify her complete disappointment. She turned away from him, to Alex.

  “Jonah told you to do this?” she asked.

  Alex nodded, before turning back to Terrell. “But you understand that this is forever. If you say anything, or if you come back asking for more . . . Just don’t do that. For your own sake, buddy.”

  “I’m not your buddy,” Terrell said. “You work for that piece of shit. That makes you even lower than a piece of shit.”

  Alex frowned, clearly offended by Terrell’s words. Erica could tell Alex didn’t want to do this. He was very uncomfortable.

  “Don’t,” she said, taking hold of Alex’s elbow and turning him to her. “Don’t let him turn you into this.”

  Alex looked at her as if he wanted to explain, but he simply couldn’t. He’d made his choice, his eyes told her. He moved his arm away from her grip and she let go.

  “You’re all the same, aren’t you?” she asked, shaking her head as she backed away. “Everything is a fucking game and it all comes down to money. Well, all of you can go to hell.”

  Feeling herself about to cry, but not willing to let either of them see her do it, Erica couldn’t get out of there fast enough. So she left Alex and Terrell to finish their business in the alley and was fine never seeing either of them ever again.

  “Justin,” she whispered. “Justin.”

  Sherise felt his tongue against her neck as she wrapped her legs around him, waiting for him to enter her. But he never did.

  He only sighed, lifting up; and when she unwrapped her legs from him, he slid off and positioned himself to the left of her on their bed. Sherise thought he was feeling awkward about her pregnancy, but she wasn’t showing enough to make sex uncomfortable yet.

  “What’s wrong?” she asked.

  “I’m sorry,” he said. “I don’t think it’s happening.”

  “Is it me?” she asked.

  Her being pregnant had never hindered his attraction to her during her first pregnancy, and it hadn’t bothered him the last couple of weeks when they’d been having sex—very good sex—regularly.

  It was something else.

  “The firm will be begging you to hurry back as soon as this is over.” She reached down for
the covers to pull up over her.

  He looked at her and managed a tepid smile. “The final hearing on major legislation was today on Capitol Hill. I missed it. You know how long I’ve been working on . . .”

  He shook his head.

  “What happened?”

  “We lost by two votes in committee,” he said. “The two representatives I was supposed to spend the last two weeks convincing to take our side. But I wasn’t there and it failed.”

  Sherise turned to her side to face him. “That’s good, Justin.”

  “How is that good?” he asked. “We’ve been working on getting that bill to Congress for a vote for almost a year now. It would have had serious ramifications in the industry.”

  “And your firm failed because they pushed you away,” she said. “They chose to side with that lying bitch over you and paid the price.”

  “They didn’t side with her,” he said. “She’s threatening to expose them.”

  “They should have stuck by you,” she said. “By asking you to take a leave of absence, they’ve admitted that she could be right.”

  “If it weren’t for Dennis,” he said, “I don’t think they would have done it. I don’t think they would have taken just her word over mine.”

  “We’ll deal with him too,” she mumbled.

  Justin looked at her with a confused frown, but Sherise just shrugged. She hadn’t told him about her spying session, but she had told the private investigator she’d hired. She was hopeful something great could come from this, and she would be the one to tell Justin about it. He had to hear it from her.

  “Is there something you want to tell me?” he asked.

  “That I love you.” She smiled, reaching out and touching his nose with her finger. “I can’t wait until this is all over so we can get back to normal and focus on preparing for our baby.”

  He turned to her and pressed his hand against her stomach over the sheets. As he looked at her, his smile turned to a regretful grin. “I’m so sorry, baby.”

  “Don’t,” she said. “We don’t need any more apologies.”

  He shook his head in disagreement. “No, I owe you. When I found out you were pregnant, I should have been a man about it.”