It wasn’t the most relaxing lunch. Mum and Dad were both trying way too hard and I found it difficult to even look at Dad, let alone talk to him. No one mentioned Jasmine but it felt as if she was in the kitchen with us anyway, taking up more space than all four of us put together. It was so tense I felt like screaming her name; just screaming it over and over and over to make everyone stop pretending.
As soon as we finished eating I went back up to my room and hid away for the rest of the day. It was obvious Mum and Charlie had made up their minds to welcome Jasmine into the family. I tried to imagine what it would be like – to spend time with her, to have an older sister. I even got my sketchbook out at one point and drew a picture of the whole family with Jasmine added in, but it looked all wrong.
However hard I tried to be positive, I couldn’t get past the thought of her and Dad together.
Kieran was in the cemetery when I walked through on Monday morning. I started to grin as soon as I saw him. It was such a relief to know he was okay. “Hey, you’re sitting on my bench!” I said as I came up the path.
“Oh it’s your bench now, is it?” he shot back, moving up to make room for me. “That’s funny. I didn’t see your name on it anywhere.”
“It’s still mine,” I said, laughing, “but I don’t mind if you want to sit on it sometimes.”
He looked different. Not his clothes, obviously, he was wearing his school uniform – it was more the way he was sitting there, with his shoulders down and his hands out of his pockets. As if he didn’t expect the sky to fall in any more. Neither of us said anything for a minute and then we both started talking at the same time.
“Vivian said you were staying at…”
“I know you came to see me at the…”
“Go on, you first,” I said.
He shrugged. “I was just going to say I know you came to see me at the hospital. I went for a check-up and one of the nurses told me. Well I’m assuming it was you. They said it was a pretty girl with dark hair and pale-blue eyes.”
I started to burn up, remembering the stones on his mum’s grave. Maybe the “M” did stand for Maddie after all.
“Are you okay?” I said to cover my embarrassment. “I mean the check-up. Was everything okay?”
He nodded, looking away. “It was only concussion. It happened that night, after I saw you here…on the anniversary.” He took a stone out of his pocket, pressing it into the palm of his hand. “My dad was drunk and we got into a fight. He pushed me against the living room wall. I don’t think it was very hard but it’s difficult to remember. They said I hit my head and blacked out. It wasn’t really my dad’s fault. He didn’t mean to hurt me. I told them at the hospital but they still got social services involved and then the police.”
I could feel tears stinging the corners of my eyes. He always tried to make it sound as if it was nothing, as if he didn’t matter.
“What’s going to happen now?”
He shrugged again, turning back to face me. “I’m staying with my aunt and uncle. It’s okay, I suppose. Normal. I’ll probably stay there right through the summer holidays until September. I’ve been seeing my dad but only when there’s someone else there to supervise. He hasn’t touched a drink since that night; at least that’s what he says…”
I dug my nails into my palm. He’d been through so much. He’d lost his mum and now he’d lost his dad too.
“How about you, Maddie? Did you find out about your dad and the girl you saw by your locker?”
I nodded, feeling stupid suddenly; my problems were nothing compared to his. “Her name’s Jasmine. She’s my half-sister. My dad didn’t know about her, so it’s come out of the blue for him as well as for us.”
I waited for him to say how lucky I was, or something like that, but he didn’t say anything, he just reached across and took my hand, pressing the stone into my palm and then closing my fingers around it. A rush of butterflies filled my tummy. It was so unexpected I didn’t know what to do.
“I’m supposed to be having a meeting with her today,” I said, anxious to keep talking, to hide how shaky I was feeling, “in the Blue Room at nine. Vivian can’t see us separately any more, it’s a conflict of interests or something, so she wants us to go and talk to her together, but I’m not going. It’s too weird. I don’t even know her. How am I supposed to act like we’re sisters when we’re total strangers?”
I turned to look at him, to see what he was thinking, to see if he thought I was being stupid. Our faces were so close I had to shut my eyes for a second.
“Listen, Maddie, there’s something I need to tell you.”
I held my breath, wondering what it could be. I had no idea what he was going to say or how I’d react. It was like being right at the top of a roller coaster, in that split second before you go over the edge.
“The thing is,” he said. “I can’t tell you here, not in the cemetery. I’ll meet you by your locker at nine, straight after my usual session with Vivian.”
I let my breath out, half-relieved, half-disappointed. “Can’t you tell me now?”
He shook his head. “I’ll tell you later, I promise. We’ve got to go now anyway.” He reached out for my hand again. I slipped the stone in my pocket and he pulled me up from the bench. “Come on, you don’t want to be late…” He kept hold of my hand as we walked towards school.
Gemma was waiting for me at our usual place at the top of Banner Road. I told Kieran I’d see him later and ran towards her, desperate to sort things out. “I’m really sorry about Friday,” I blurted out before she could say anything. “I didn’t mean to snap at you. Please, please say we’re still friends.”
“Of course we’re still friends,” Gemma said. “It’s me who should be saying sorry. I should’ve been more understanding. Just because I’d love to have a sister…” She trailed off, looking over my shoulder. “By the way, was that Kieran you were walking up the road with just now?”
I nodded, blushing, wondering if she’d noticed that we were holding hands. “I bumped into him in the cemetery. He’s staying with his aunt and uncle.”
“Did he tell you what happened? You know, that night?”
I nodded again but I didn’t go into any details. “Listen, I’m not seeing my counsellor any more so I can come straight to registration with you.”
Mrs Palmer had lots of sheets of paper out on the tables so we could sign up for the summer fair. Gemma and I decided to run the art-and-crafts stall. We both loved art and it would be fun doing it together. I couldn’t stop checking my watch. Kieran and Sally-Ann would be in the Blue Room with Vivian. I was dying to know what they were talking about, and what Kieran was going to say to me when we met up at nine.
I rushed to my locker as soon as registration finished. He didn’t turn up straight away and I started to think he must’ve changed his mind. Vivian never ran over time. Jasmine would be waiting to go in – expecting me to show up for our meeting. I stood there for another minute or two and then made my way down the corridor to see if he was coming. The butterflies were back, but even worse, thinking about the way he’d held my hand all the way up Banner Road.
As I got closer to the Blue Room, I saw him up ahead, leaning against the wall. I stopped a few feet away. “I thought you told me to wait by my locker?”
“I know, but I decided it would be better if you came here instead. Less chance of you doing a runner.”
“Doing a runner from what?” I said. But I knew. He was talking about my meeting with Jasmine. He’d tricked me. “I thought you wanted to tell me something…”
“I do want to tell you something.” He took a step closer. I held my breath, waiting. “It’s easy to walk away when things get tough,” he said, quoting Vivian word for word. “It’s so much harder to stay.”
“It’s not the same,” I said. But I knew it was. “It’s too late anyway. The session’s already started. I can’t just barge in.”
He looked at me, waiting. I closed my eyes. Kiera
n would never see his mum again. It was so difficult to get my head round that word “never”. However angry he got, or however much he wanted it, it was never going to happen. She was gone for ever. I didn’t want to push Dad away. I’d always miss my nan, but I still had both my parents. Gemma was right. I was lucky. But when I thought about sitting in the Blue Room with Jasmine…
“I’m scared,” I whispered. “I’m scared of everything changing.”
“You’re not as scared as you think. You’re the only person who’s had the guts to stand up to me since my mum died…to come anywhere near me…”
He was making it sound as if I was strong and brave. He didn’t realize how frightened I was inside. How my ribbon was in my bag. How I’d found it stuffed down the back of my bed and still needed it just to get through the day. How I’d never really done anything brave in my whole entire life.
His eyes never left my face. “If anyone can walk into that room, Maddie Wilkins – late, or early, or anything – it’s you.”
Chapter 26
I stood outside the door for at least another five minutes, trying to work out a speech in my head, something to say as I walked in. I wanted to tell Jasmine that she would never be my sister, that I’d never forgive her for taking my dad away, but it was starting to feel so much more confusing than that. It’s not as if it was her fault. It’s not as if any of this was her fault.
I glanced back over my shoulder. Kieran was still there. He was still watching me. I wanted to be brave for him, to prove to him I could do it. I took a breath and grasped the doorknob. Just because I turned up to the meeting didn’t mean I was welcoming Jasmine into my family. Dad might feel a bond with her, but she was still a stranger to me. I glanced back at Kieran one last time and then pushed the door open and walked in.
Vivian was sitting at the table by herself. I was so surprised I froze, worried that I’d got the wrong time, or misunderstood the whole arrangement.
“Hello, Maddie.” She looked up, smiling. “I’m so pleased you’re here. Come and sit down, it’s just the two of us at the moment.”
“Where’s Jasmine?” I said. “I thought we were meeting together?”
“So did I,” said Vivian, glancing up at the clock. “She said she was coming. Never mind. We’ll make a start without her…”
“But I thought she’d be here. I was working out what to say. I was so scared and now she hasn’t even bothered to turn up.”
“Yes, it was very brave of you to come, Maddie.”
I didn’t feel brave. I was so nervous about seeing Jasmine I could barely think straight. I went over and sat in my chair. Vivian held the pad out to me but I shook my head.
“It was Kieran who persuaded me to come,” I said. “I didn’t want him to think I was a coward.”
“Well there’s not much chance of that, is there?” said Vivian, laughing.
“What do you mean? I’m scared of everything. He used to call me Maddie Mouse and he was right. That’s what I’ve been like ever since my nan died – a frightened little mouse, too scared to face up to anything, too pathetic to get through the day without my purple ribbon!”
Vivian shook her head. She was about to say something but the door swung open and Jasmine walked in. She looked terrible. Her eyes were red and swollen and she was clutching a damp tissue in her hand.
“Hello, Jasmine,” said Vivian. “I’m so pleased you’re here.”
“I’m sorry I’m late,” she said. “I nearly bottled out, to be honest.” She walked over to the table and sat down opposite me. I still couldn’t get over how much she looked like Dad. Before Vivian could say anything, she went on, “I know you don’t really want to see me, Maddie, your dad told me, he told me how upset you’ve been, and I swear I’ll leave you alone after today, but there’s something I need to tell you first.”
I swallowed hard, my mouth dry. I didn’t want to hear what she had to say. I didn’t want to know how desperate she was. Why was Dad telling her stuff anyway?
She took a shaky breath, her eyes flickering across to Vivian and then back to me. “I never really wanted to meet my dad when I was growing up,” she started. “I know it sounds weird, but my mum didn’t talk about him much and we were happy. I did ask her about him a few times, especially as I got older, but it didn’t exactly bother me, it wasn’t like there was something missing, some big hole in my life. There was only one thing I wanted, one thing I couldn’t have…” she paused, her eyes locking with mine, “and that was a sister.”
She looked back down at her hands, shredding the tissue into tiny pieces. “I dreamed of having a sister, Maddie. I used to pretend sometimes. It sounds really lame, I know, but I had these two dolls, a big one and a little one, and I’d pretend one was me and one was my sister. I’d make up conversations about going shopping together and swapping clothes, stuff like that. Whenever Mum was working and I was at home by myself or with my childminder, I used to think how much more fun it would be if I had a sister. Someone to share things with…”
I thought about Gemma, how sad she was that her mum had lost the baby, how much she’d wanted a sister, how lucky I was to have Charlie.
Jasmine took another shaky breath, her eyes brimming with tears. She dabbed at them with her shredded tissue. “When my mum got ill she told me I was going to meet my dad and that he was going to help us. I flipped out, to tell you the truth. I didn’t want to meet him; I was terrified – he was a total stranger as far as I was concerned. But then the first time we spoke on the phone he told me about you and Charlie.”
She looked up at me, smiling through her tears.
“The minute I knew I had a sister I started to dream again. I couldn’t wait to meet you, Maddie. I didn’t want to mess up your family or anything; I just had this fantasy of what it would be like to have my own sister at last. I didn’t stop to think how it would be for you, how freaked out you might be…” She stopped, shaking her head. “Anyway, I’m going on and on and I haven’t given you a chance to say anything. But please don’t hate me, Maddie, please. I’m not trying to take your place, I could never do that; I just wanted us to be friends…”
She trailed off, watching me, waiting to see what I’d say. I could feel this huge pressure like a giant boulder pressing down on my chest, squeezing the air out of my lungs. I didn’t know what to do. I looked across the table at Vivian. Why didn’t she help me? Why didn’t she say something? The silence was so loud it was impossible to think, everything was so muddled up in my head. Jasmine was desperate to be my sister, but I didn’t know how to let her in.
We were still sitting there when her phone rang suddenly. “It’s the hospital,” she said, glancing at the screen. “I’ve got to go.” She stood up grabbing her bag. “I really hope you believe me, Maddie, I meant every word…” She gave me one last pleading look and then turned and raced out of the room.
Vivian and I carried on sitting there for a bit. She probably thought I was horrible. She probably thought I was the biggest cow in the world for not giving Jasmine a chance. My stomach clenched up. I felt like I’d failed some massive test. I just wanted to crawl away and hide somewhere where no one could find me.
“I know you must think I’m the worst person,” I said in the end. “Shall I just go now or what?”
“I wasn’t thinking that at all,” said Vivian. “I was actually thinking about something you said just before Jasmine came in. Something about how scared you are of everything. ‘Too scared to face up to anything. Too pathetic to get through the day without my purple ribbon.’ Do you remember?”
I nodded, wondering what she was getting at.
“You said you only came today because you didn’t want Kieran to think you were a coward, and I said there’s not much chance of that.”
“I know, but—”
“But the thing is, Maddie, I’m beginning to think you’ve invested this purple ribbon of yours with some kind of magic power.”
“You don’t understand,” I s
aid. “You don’t know how frightened I am inside.”
She tapped the table with her hand as if I’d proved her point. “Yes of course you are, but being frightened isn’t the same as being a coward. The other day when I asked you who else knew about the girl in the cafe, you said, ‘only Kieran, oh and Gemma, she’s my best friend’ – not just your friend, Maddie, your best friend – and yet when you first came to the nurture group, you didn’t seem to be sure of your friendships at Church Vale at all. You said you didn’t have any close friends…”
“Yes, but—”
“And then there’s Kieran,” she went on, interrupting me. “You cared about him enough to go up to the hospital. You told me you hate hospitals, that they remind you of Charlie being ill, and your nan, and yet you were brave enough to show him how much he mattered even though he did everything he could to push you away. You did that, Maddie, not your ribbon.”
I shook my head, frowning. She was talking about me, but it didn’t sound like me.
“And what about these sessions? You’ve never missed a single one. You’ve never refused to come, or run out in the middle. You’ve turned up and shared some of your deepest fears. And do you know something, Maddie? I’ve never even seen your purple ribbon.”
My eyes filled with tears. I wanted to say it wasn’t me, that I hadn’t really done anything, that none of those things counted. But a tiny voice in my head was telling me that it was me, that they did count. I wasn’t sure how, but somehow I’d managed to do all those things without my ribbon.
Vivian smiled at me across the table. “You’re not a coward, Maddie. In fact, to tell you the truth, you’re one of the bravest people I know.”
Chapter 27
I rewrote my English homework that night, the one about a hole in our life. We’d already handed it in but I decided to do mine again even if Miss Owen refused to accept it. There was still a weird atmosphere at home; no one dared to mention Jasmine in front of me. When Mum came into my room to say goodnight, I almost asked her how you could hate someone but think you might really like them all at the same time.
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