Becoming His Collection

by Haley Monroe

  “Pregnant,” he confirms with no emotion in his voice or on his face. “We’ll need to do an ultrasound to know for sure but by the feel of your stomach, I’d guess you are no more than nine, maybe ten weeks along. Congratulations Miss Moore, you’re going to be a mother.”

  The swaying I’m experiencing turns to full out spinning and I’m dizzy even though I haven’t moved an inch. I’m afraid to look at Jacob. We’ve spoken about kids once and he didn’t seem like he really wanted a child. He said it would be a big adjustment and boy, would it be.

  I’m not great at math but I do some quick, panic induced calculations. I met Jacob in person maybe a month and a half ago, that only adds up to six weeks, seven tops. I try to remember the name of the last Dom I slept with at the club. Nothing is coming to me. I can’t even recall a face let alone a fucking name. I can’t breathe until I remember, the last time I slept with someone at the club was weeks before I first emailed Jacob, which was two months before we physically met. This baby can have no other father except for Jacob. If the doctor’s wrong about how far along I am, is it possible that I’m not even pregnant at all? Doctors aren’t always right, they are human. We all make mistakes. This is just one of those mistakes.

  “Are you sure?” I ask with my eyes still squeezed shut, waiting for the blinking lights behind my eyelids to fade.

  “The blood we took when you got here confirmed it.” My head shakes. Blood is a liar too. It has to be.

  “Thank you, doctor.” Jacob says and squeezes my hand. A little sign that maybe he won’t turn on his heels and run the other way. What if he thinks the child isn’t his either. I’m sure the same math is jogging through his head right now. Only he doesn’t know that he’s the only person I’ve been with in the last four months. “Is there anything else?”

  “Not right now. All her other tests came back normal, I’m sure you know the importance of nutrition, I won’t waste either of our time by spelling it out to you again. You’re now eating for two. You can’t let vanity get in the way of that.” His words hurt. They stab me right in the chest. “I’ll send in someone to do the ultrasound. I’d like to listen to the baby’s heartbeat to make sure everything is on track as it should be. We’ll know for sure how many weeks of gestation you’re at, once we do that.” Oh, I hate this. My stomach flips and twists and I feel like I need to throw up. I try to breathe, try to pull air in and push it out.

  Jacob stands, releasing my hand to shake the doctors. He thanks him again and pulls the curtain open for the man to exit. He stands with his back to me for a long minute and a deeper panic leaches into my system. This is it. He’s going to turn around and say “Well kid, it was fun but I’ve got to be going now.” I pinch the scratchy blanket between my fingers and carefully open my eyes to look down at my lap. I’m unable to watch as Jacob turns to face me. I can hear his shoes moving on the tile floor as he takes the few steps it takes to come back to my side but still I can’t look up at him.

  My eyes burn and my nose is suddenly runny. I sniffle a bit and use the back of my hand to dab at my nose. The wires and tubes connecting me to the machines by my side jangle around as I move and I wonder how I could be this irresponsible with my health. With my fucking life, with Jacob’s. He’s going to hate me and who could blame him?

  There’s no way I’m ready or even capable of being a mother. Is it selfish to want to get rid of this baby? I barely make enough money to keep my power on and if Jacob leaves, I’ll have nothing. No means to continue and definitely no reason to keep a child who will only be a reminder of my bad life decisions. Guilt swamps me and pulls me down into the depths of my self-hatred. I can’t end an innocent life for my own convenience. No matter how hard things will most definitely be, I decide to see this through to the end. I make a silent vow to love this child and do the best I can for him or her.

  “Hey,” Jacob whispers as he sits in the chair beside my bed again. One hand grabs for mine that’s tangled up in the blanket over my lap and his other hand pinches my chin, turning my face to his and I look in his deep brown eyes for the first time since hearing the life changing news. “Kitten, slow down. I can see your brain working overtime. Let me see you take a deep breath.” I do and he inhales with me, exhales as I do. “Good girl, one more time.” We breathe together and some of the tightness around my chest eases.

  “Are you mad?” My voice cracks as I whisper the question.

  “You always ask me that, baby girl and the answer is always the same. No, I’m not mad at you and this time I’m not even disappointed. This is as much my fault as yours. I remember asking if you we’re on the pill or another kind of contraception. I remember your answer was vague, something about you not having a cycle because of your eating habits. I took it to mean we were safe and that was stupid of me. I should have protected you and for that I am sorry, Hannah. But, I’m not sorry about this child.” His hand moves from my chin to press over my lower belly and tears spring from my eyes.

  “You’ll stay with me?” I cry.

  “Such a silly little girl. Not only will I stay, Hannah. I want to be your husband.” I blink through my tears and search his face for any signs that he feels obligated to do this. It’s hard to believe he’d make such an offer simply because he wants to and I don’t want to get married just because we’ve created a tiny life together.

  “You don’t have to Jacob.” I sniff again and lay my hand on top of his.

  “I know I don’t have to. I want to. I’ve wanted to be your husband since the moment I told you I loved you. I’ve said before that I wasn’t playing games, I waited so long to meet you because I wanted to be sure, and I am. I love you, I want to spend the rest of my life loving you and I want to raise this child with you.”

  “I want that, too.” I can’t stop the tears as they break loose. I’m hiccupping and sobbing like a fool and Jacob just chuckles with a smile and wraps me up in his arms. His hands cradle my face and stroke through my hair.

  “There, there, princess.” My tears soak into his shirt as he holds me. My arms fold around him and twist in the back of his shirt. I cling to him, holding him close to me as I fall apart. This beautiful, smart man wants to be my husband. My Daddy Dom wants to stay and be my baby’s daddy. Fucking life, I tell ya. “We’ll be okay.” He soothes me. I want to let his comforting words and touches take away my scrambling thoughts but I can’t just let it be. My life is a mountain that’s falling apart. It’s crumbling and forming an avalanche that will surely crush me. “We’ll have this all figured out and taken care of before the little one gets here. Trust me, baby girl. Everything will work out.”

  “It’s just been such an overwhelming day.” I whimper. “I didn’t get a chance to tell you about what happened this morning.” The blurry vision of Jacob becomes too much and I close my eyes to shut out the tears. “It was so awful. So terribly awful and I,” another hiccup interrupts me and I can’t continue. I open my eyes, feeling the weight of my tears still hanging on my lashes. Jacob leans back and brushes his thumb over my trembling lips.

  “Tell me, kitten. What happened to you today, between when I last spoke to you and when I found you kissing my housekeeper?” He’s smiling as he teases me and I know his words are meant to lighten the heavy tension in this small, curtain enclosed cubicle.

  I spill all of my emotions for Jacob to witness. It’s raw, honest and ugly. I can’t hold a single thing in once I open the floodgates. First I start with meeting my new neighbor a few days back and how he was strange even then, but how I didn’t trust myself. My words are unrecognizable as I tell him about my uncertainty when I agreed to drive Samuel to town, my fear when he told me he’d been watching me and my anger when the police weren’t sure if they could catch him.

  I tell him about how I have to file a restraining order to protect myself, but how it’s impossible without the creep’s full name and through it all he just holds me. Jacob holds me and he listens. Nodding his head in all of the places that I stumble and strok
es my cheek when I’m afraid I can’t confess the rest. He’s a steady rock and I’m a course river who’s raging out of control. He’s patient as I try to calm down and find a way to push strength into my straining voice.

  I blab on and on about how I couldn’t afford a birthday gift, couldn’t even think of one that would be good enough for such a great man. I cry that I must be a terrible submissive to think a threesome was the only answer. I even lift the pillow from behind my head and scream into about how mad I am at Miranda for not being there when I really needed her.

  “Oh, kitten.” Jacob kisses my nose and places his forehead to mine. “You’ve had quite the day, haven’t you?” A stupid laugh bubbles up and I nod with our heads pressed together. “No matter how bad things get, together we can figure them out. I’d like you to consider coming to live with me. Moving you in with me will take care of some of these problems, kitten.”

  “Jacob,” I sigh. This feels like the running that I told Steph I didn’t want to do. My head throbs, everything hurts and I’m tired of thinking. When I told Steph about Samuel, I didn’t know I was pregnant. This little bundle of… joy…changes how I’ll have to handle things. Before it was just me, I could keep just me safe, but can I keep both of us safe without Jacob’s help? “Listen love, we’ll keep the police notified about where you’ll be living and about the location of your job in case this asshole tries to show up there.” I watch as Jacob’s jaw tenses and I see the first signs of anger flittering over his face. “If I ever catch him near you again I swear, he will be very sorry, that’s for sure.” And just like that, Jacob sweeps away the majority of my anxieties like only he can do. If I give in to him and let him lift me up, maybe I won’t drown in the swamp or be buried by the avalanche.

  I slump against him, so tired from today’s emotional toll. My eyes hurt from crying and my throat is sore from all of my word vomit. “I think you need to rest, beautiful. I’ll go down to the cafeteria and fetch us some dinner. We’ll talk more later on? It will all be sorted soon enough.” He stands up, preparing to leave and the mention of food makes me sick all over again.

  “Please, Daddy.” I reach for his hand to stop him from leaving. “Please, don’t go until I’ve fallen asleep.”

  “Of course, princess.” He sits back down on the side of my bed. His arm fits around my back and he snuggles me up against his side. His legs on the bed, trap me inside of my blankets and makes me feel secure. I lay my face in the perfect hollow under his arm, just on the side of his chest and let go of all of my thoughts. This place is comfortable, like his body was designed with this little spot created just for me. We’re a perfect fit. A match that was planned out before we were even born.

  Jacob draws lines across my forehead with soft strokes of his gentle fingertips. Smoothing out the creases of worry and uncertainty. My eyes flutter closed and finally, my racing heart settles to a steady, easy beat. With him by my side, loving me, taking care of me, it’s easy to let sleep take me away. To slip into a dream world where there are no creepy men out to misinterpret my kindness.

  2

  My body is shifted as Jacob tries to sneak away. I keep my eyes shut, letting him think he’s leaving me undisturbed. I shift just a little, snuggling into the heated place his body has left in the sheets. Laying here with my eyes still closed, I can keep pretending none of this is happening. I try not to remind myself that I’m still in an uncomfortable bed in the local ER, with a child growing in my belly.

  A quick flutter races through me. A baby. It seems so farfetched, so impossible. I get to be a mother to a daughter or a son. Someone this little person will depend on for everything. I’ll be the one to teach him or her to speak, to walk, to live this life that I struggle to live. A smile moves over my lips and my hands slip under the blanket to press over my lower belly. This baby will be beyond lucky to have Jacob as its father. A man who can truly teach them to be all they can be and not only navigate this life but dominate it. He’ll be such an incredible father. I know that without even a sliver of a doubt.

  Creaking wheels force me to open my eyes. A female wearing casual business like clothing pushes a mobile laptop into my curtained off room. “Hey, I’m Susan with registration. I’m just going to ask you a few questions and then we’ll walk you down to get that ultrasound the doctor has ordered.

  I answer all her questions, wanting Jacob to be back in the room with me. Susan thanks me and informs me that someone will be in soon to take me down the hall. I nod without saying anything else. I need Jacob in that room with me when they wave their magic wand over my belly and the life inside me makes itself known. Really known. You can’t deny something you can see with your own eyes. My fingers move across my stomach and it growls. A sign that I am hungry and with everything that has been going on I cannot remember the last time I ate actual food. Then it hits me, I drank wine tonight, have I already caused harm to my baby?

  Thankfully, not long after Susan leaves, Jacob returns. He has two sandwiches in his hands and two bottles of water. It’s easy to see how tired he is but he smiles through it and sits back on the side of my bed, near my hip, facing me. “Did I miss anything?” He asks while unwrapping one sandwich from its clear wrapper and then offers it to me. “Turkey, mayo and no cheese, just how you like it.” He grins and I lean forward to kiss him. It was meant to be a soft kiss of thanks. A simple press of my lips to convey how much I’m grateful for him, but I can’t pull away.

  My lips part over his to suck on his bottom lip and his hand curls around the back of my head. I push all of my love and thanks into this kiss. Trying to tell him all the things words cannot say and as he kisses me back I know he understands. That the message has gone through. I pull away slowly and look up into his sweet eyes. “You mean the world to me.” I whisper as my fingers grip the perfect sandwich from this perfect man.

  “You are my world, kitten.” He responds, proving my point on just how fucking perfect he really is.

  “Someone will come get us for the ultrasound in a bit.” I know he already knows, but I feel better saying it. “You’ll come with me?”

  “You couldn’t keep me away.” He twists the top off one of the water bottles and places on the small tray beside me. “Now eat. I want to see that sandwich in your belly when they look inside of that stomach of yours.” I giggle and take a bite. The bread tastes stale, but I chew it up anyhow.

  We watch each other as we eat. He helps me lift the bottle of water to my lips and it washes away the chalk like taste in my mouth. Just as we finish another nurse enters our small room. “Hey!” Her bubbly voice seems too loud in the silence we’ve created. “I’m Kate and I’m gonna take you to ultrasound if you’re ready?” She is like a buzzing bee as she flies over to my side and starts unclipping and unhooking the wires connecting me to the machines. “This is going to come with us,” She smiles and lifts my IV bag off the tall pole just behind the bed. She waves her other hand around and points to Jacob. “Alright you, help me get our patient up and down the hall.”

  “Yes, Ma’am.” Jacob chuckles. Grabbing my arm he gently helps me climb out of the bed. With the nurse on the opposite side of me she holds out her elbow and I entwine my other arm around hers.

  “Good, good.” She beams. “And away we go.” My legs feel like JELL-O and I lean more weight on the nurse than I’m comfortable with. She’s a little taller than me and solid. “Pop quiz time, can you tell me your full name and birthdate?”

  “Hanna Moore.” I look at her profile as she reads off the band on my wrist to make sure I’m giving her the correct information. “November twentieth, nineteen ninety-one.”

  “Perfect. Just down this hall here, Hannah.” She guides us to the ultrasound room and pushes the door open. It’s dark inside, with only small dim lights over an even smaller bench like bed. The head is lifted high and the whole thing looks super uncomfortable. More wiggles roll through my belly and I turn slightly, ready to escape. Jacob is right there to catch me. The look in his ey
es says he understands. He already knows my feelings without me having to spell them out for him.

  “You can do this.” His voice is low. Deep and supportive.

  “I’m scared.” I look up at him with wide eyes. The nurse is still arm in arm with me, waiting with patience to match Jacob’s. She doesn’t speak, just gives us this moment. Her soft hands pat my forearm before she slips her arm away from mine and hands Jacob my IV bag.

  “If you’ll hold this, I can start to get things set up for us.” She waits for just another second. Looking at me and then at Jacob before leaving us in the doorway to sit over on a small stool near the side of the hard looking bed. He thanks her then holds the IV bag up high.

  “I don’t want to do this.” The words rush out over my tongue and I grip the sides of Jacob’s shirt. “Let’s just go home. I’ll just live with you like you said and everything will be what it is and we can just go home. Let’s just go home.”

  “Not an option, kitten.” His free hand brushes against my cheek and his chin lifts toward the nurse. “I’m right here, we got this.” Sure we do, I think sarcastically while holding in an eye roll. He turns me around and gently urges me toward the bed. I awkwardly climb up on the thing and Kate starts adjusting the bed. She lays me back and lifts up the hospital gown to expose my stomach. I wonder when Jacob put me in panties, but I’m thankful that he had.

  Kate squeezes some super cold jelly on my belly and turns her monitor to the side for Jacob and I to see better. “Here we go.” She wiggles her eyebrows at both of us and Jacob grips my hand. His hold is a bit tighter than he’s ever held my hand before, the first sign that he’s more nervous than he’s been letting on.