The Gutfeld Monologues

by Greg Gutfeld

  February 16, 2017

  While campus activists and so-called protesters shut down free speech with threats of violence, at least we know there is some justice in the world. Caleb O’Neill, a student at Orange Coast College, has just been suspended. Was it for torching a dorm, or the beating of a motorist? No, he filmed a video of a professor comparing Donald Trump’s election to terrorism.

  Here is the audio from the video.

  UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: We have been assaulted. It’s an act of terrorism. One of the most frightening things for me and most people in my life is that the people committing the assault are among us. It is not some stranger from some other country coming in and attacking our sense of what it means to be an American and the things that we stand for. And that makes it more painful. Our nation is divided as clearly as it was in Civil War times, and my hope is that we will get some good leadership to help us to overcome that.

  So it’s as divided as it was in Civil War times! Clearly, this wasn’t a history professor.

  For recording that, the student has been removed for one semester. He’s forced to write an apology, as well as an essay that explains his actions. Now, that’s what I call reeducation. He’s being punished for precisely what college used to teach you: independent thought.

  No word yet on whether the teacher will also write an essay on why she’s still allowed to teach.

  Anyway, Caleb held the teacher accountable, and for that, he’s being held accountable! It’s another one of those examples in liberal culture where you’re only a whistle-blower if you’re blowing the whistle on things liberals hate.

  I’m sure if the professor was making fun of fifty-odd gender pronouns or raised skeptical questions about climate change, the student would be exalted. Instead, for shining a light on an infantile example of academic intolerance, he’s given the boot, temporarily.

  So remember Caleb’s name, and when he graduates, hire him.

  One of the great by-products of the cellphone is that we can now document idiocy, which for the longest time proceeded without documentation. If more students did what Caleb did, there might be some hope for academia. Although, I wonder if anyone in this bizarre world actually sees such documentation as an embarrassment.

  I also realize that this kind of technology could go both ways. God knows I was a jackass when I was younger, and I consider myself lucky no portable technology was around to record it. Right? There is nothing out there? Hello?

  March 6, 2017

  Last Thursday at Middlebury College in Vermont, Charles Murray and Professor Alisyn Stanger were attacked by a violent mob of left-wing creeps out to stop Murray from a planned lecture.

  Stanger was hospitalized with injuries. We contacted the college over their disciplinary response. They just got back to us two pages of nothing.

  But without real action against those who use violence to silence speech, the next step has to be anarchy. And you think I’m kidding? Consider this one question. What is the intervening step between silence and violence? It’s words. Without words, it’s a simple leap from calm to calamity.

  Before language, cavemen simply grunted and then they used their clubs. Communication changes that. It’s the mechanism that created civilization and prevents its destruction.

  Yes, I’ve made this point before. But it’s true: Remove debate, what do you have left? Violence. It makes me wonder how horrible it must have been for those first cavemen who tried to reason with their slower counterparts. That really is the missing link, in my opinion.

  But now it’s the left that wishes to go back. Do you ever see a right-wing kid violently jumping lefty speakers? On campus, you either have silent appeasement or a bruise.

  It used to be that discourse was a college staple. You could hold a lively debate, and even when it got hot, it was respectful. But now how many speakers have been forced to cancel? Did you lose count? Was it due to bad weather? No, it was the threat of harm. It’s either silence or it’s violence. This has to be stopped before it becomes the norm.

  Imposing a cost like expulsion on violence isn’t suppressing speech. It’s the very opposite. Someone higher up better find their spine soon, or they will be next—and suddenly their allies will be the very people that they mocked for years.

  Murray’s big sin was writing about differences in IQ, among other things. You can argue with him about it, which seems a totally cool thing to do. But to suppress his views simply makes such views more intriguing. It’s just like smoking. Tell a kid that he shouldn’t smoke—the first instinct is to wonder “Why?” Then you go buy a pack of smokes. If you want to make something sexy, try to ban it. It’s why I started eating Tide Pods once everyone was saying they were bad for you.

  Right now some colleges cancel speakers based on the “we can’t afford the security to protect the speaker” excuse. But once you agree to that, you’ve established the “heckler’s veto” to stop all speech. Create the possibility of a threat, and all speech goes away.

  Now, look what recently happened to Sam Harris, who interviewed Murray for his podcast about his research into IQ. Just for doing the interview, Harris was smeared as a bigot by social justice mouthpieces. It’s the new weapon—smear by association. It beats thinking for yourself.

  April 11, 2017

  Another day, another campus speaker shut down by jackasses.

  This is footage from an event at Claremont McKenna College, where conservative Heather Mac Donald was speaking.

  UNIDENTIFIED MALE/FEMALE: Shut it down! Shut it down! Shut it down!

  UNIDENTIFIED MALE/FEMALE: Black lives matter! Black lives matter! (BLEEP) the police from Oakland to Greece. (BLEEP) the police from Oakland to Greece.

  Well, at least it rhymes. So parents, this is what fifty thousand dollars a year gets you—mindless intimidation by anti–free speech cowards. That was Thursday, when an ugly mob of seething snowflakes surrounded a building at Claremont McKenna College screaming and banging on windows, all to block a woman from speaking. She had to flee in a van under protection of security.

  Yep, I’m already tired of the “snowflake” thing. It was a useful word until, of course, everyone abused it. Now it’s just a cliché echoed by right-wing blowhards [not including me, of course!].

  Heather Mac Donald’s sin was writing a book called The War On Cops, which pushes for better community policing and familiarity of the police with the neighborhoods—a book I’m sure none of these petulant protesters actually read.

  I met her once in a TV green room. Smart lady!

  The tome is saturated with facts, which terrifies these campus cretins. I mean, why shout her down if her words are baseless? The fear of her facts speaks volumes, but the goal here isn’t to challenge the speaker but to prevent any speaking at all. Debate is secondary to silence.

  Activists called her antiblack, capitalist, imperialist, and fascist, all to camouflage their lack of depth and to shut her up. They also harassed students, and segregated the white protesters. I’d say the lunatics have taken over the asylum, but why insult lunatics? A piece of advice to these activists—and parents and teachers who support them—every action has an opposite one.

  Imagine what kind of movement you would create by silencing speech, because without speech, the only solution obviously is violence. Maybe that’s what you want. Maybe that’s what you’ll get.

  I realize that my saying the reduction of dialogue leads to violence is now getting on your nerves, but it’s only because the practice of speech oppression is spreading! I’d happily stop bringing it up, if campus activists would simply stop trying to silence ideas they find scary. But they won’t, so, I shall continue to repeat myself until I’m as blue as a Smurf. I’m already the size of one, so it seems like the next natural step in my transformation.

  Fact is, if the left silences speech, you’re back at square one, where we settled everything with fists and clubs. Why would they want that? That’s the real question. Just this week (end of April 2018), a
rapper put out a public hit calling all Crips to punish Kanye West for speaking his mind. Who knew gangs and campus activists had so much in common?

  November 29, 2017

  It’s not often I get to do a monologue where I don’t get to say anything. Just quote. Here it is.

  A Texas State University newspaper piece tells white students, “Your DNA is an abomination.” Rudy Martinez, the writer, begins, “When I think of all the white people I’ve ever encountered, there is perhaps only a dozen I would consider decent.”

  Now, if you think that’s mean, try the ending of the piece. Rudy writes, “Whiteness will be over, because we want it to be, and when it dies, there will be millions of cultural zombies aimlessly wandering across a vastly changed landscape. Ontologically speaking, white death will mean liberation for all. Until then, remember this: I hate you, because you shouldn’t exist. You are both the dominant apparatus and the void in which all other cultures upon meeting you die.”

  Note: I had to look up “ontologically.” I still don’t understand what he means by it. But this is the essence of academia: Use words that sound impressive to hide the thin ideas that are behind them.

  I’ve got to say that is some amazing writing, as evil as it is.

  According to the Washington Examiner, the writer of this piece, Martinez, was arrested in D.C. during Trump’s inauguration and tried to crowdfund for legal fees. That’s not surprising. That figures.

  What’s surprising is that in an era of safe spaces, where students get out of classes or ban speeches because of diverse opinions in words, a college paper in Texas can run this savage call to violence. And as Hollywood creates movies and TV shows that push the myth that America is a sexist, racist tyranny, a college paper would happily run a piece that essentially calls for genocide. But I guess if the color’s white, mass murder is okay.

  Weird thing: The original ending to this was “But I guess if the color’s white, then mass murder is right.” But at the last minute I said “okay” instead of “right.” Maybe I felt that the rhyme was so obvious I had to change it. This happens when I tend to overthink things, and ruin them. Sometimes the decisions I make confound even myself!

  December 14, 2017

  To help fight the stress of upcoming finals, colleges are using therapy llamas. The University of South Florida and Radford University are trucking in llamas and other beasts to help students cope.

  So this is great for the students, poor things. But what about the llamas that have to absorb the noxious, annoying angst of fragile idlers as they moan about their insulated existence and perhaps the easiest phase of their comfy lives?

  Don’t llamas spit? I seem to remember being spit at by a llama at a petting zoo. But maybe that was my sister Les, in an especially furry hat.

  Yes, some studies show that pets lower stress, but what about the stress of the pet? Talk about torture. Imagine being a llama, and you’re bused miles from the comforts of a pleasant petting zoo only to have some whiny bozos with issues running their bony, stinky fingers through your gorgeous fur.

  Imagine a poor bunny—yes, they’re using bunnies, too—forced to sit on the lap of a gender studies major griping about how studying has really cut into her social justice puppetry theater. I’d put these critters on suicide watch, because if I were an alpaca, a guinea pig, or a slow loris, I’d hurl myself into traffic before becoming a stress sponge for these pampered slackers.

  Ironically, these animals are now more prepared for life, after enduring the stress of these students, than these students will ever be!

  And where will this end anyway? When these precious pupils graduate, how will they handle the real world? Will llamas accompany them to a job interview? Yes, that will go over well. Well, unless it’s this one.

  This is where I show a photo of a shirtless Lorenzo Lamas.

  My stress levels have already plummeted. Thanks, Lorenzo.

  Where Are We Now?

  As I write this, I’m obsessed with podcasts. It’s like I’m going to college for the second time—trying to relearn stuff that I refused to learn the first time around when I was a legitimate undergrad and killing brain cells instead of cultivating them. I bring this up because I believe colleges are dying. Now, thanks to the internet, real knowledge is free and easily curated. Pick your deans, or your professors, and you can learn from the very best minds around the world, rather than endure places like Columbia University where fiends are indulged, and those who fight them are condemned.

  With the internet, and primarily YouTube, you don’t need to enroll in a Canadian college to listen to a lecture by the professor Jordan Peterson. Likewise, you don’t have to fly to New York to hear Robert Wright speak, or Seattle, Washington, to track down Brett Weinstein. Curators like Joe Rogan, Dave Rubin, Wright, Gad Saad, and Sam Harris are now fully functioning deans, finding the very best minds to educate us on the vital things in life. I know it doesn’t get you a degree in anything, but at some point it will. And when it does, campuses will become nothing more than wastelands for skateboarders and old people yelling at skateboarders.

  The other great thing about this new online YouTube education—it can provide intellectual sustenance in an empty world. As pop culture and media becomes more vapid, you can seek relief in the thoughtful depths of patient podcasters, cheerfully introducing you to topics as varied as any found at a university. You want to learn about stoicism? Check out Wright. You want info on psychedelics? Listen to Rogan. You want to watch a man’s facial hair change over time? Watch Dave Rubin. The possibilities are endless.

  And if you want to simply get better at interpreting the world through a rational lens, start off your day with Scott Adams’s periscopes. They’re like brain vitamins that go great with morning coffee and a shot of Bailey’s.

  Bottom line, you can denigrate this new world or mock the idea of an “intellectual dark web”—but in a world where attention spans are now on endangered species among anyone under thirty, podcasts might be one of the few and only lifelines available to pull people back into the universe of ideas.

  CHAPTER SEVEN

  THE SEXES

  Leading up to the election, it seemed a foregone conclusion that 2016 would have to be about gender—about the ascendance of woman in the political sphere. After all, Hillary had been shoved aside for a different, more important historical first. But Hillary’s nomination and subsequent loss pointed to an underlying, unspeakable truth about life: Your gender or skin color says little, in the long run, about who you are. That’s the beauty of individuality: Yes, Hillary was indeed a woman, but on the whole, not the most appealing candidate. When Donald Trump—a man with a colorful history that would make any member of Guns N’ Roses blush—beats you, that says something. Trump was reviled not just by the left, but by the right, middle, sideways, top, and bottom. And he still beat Hillary. The lesson: Depending on gender identity gets you only so far. You get to tick one box, true. But the average voter wants more. There are other boxes to consider, and Hillary was just too damn arrogant and entitled to even address them. Every question always returned to “But I’m a woman and he isn’t!” And that was usually met with nods from TV anchors and polite applause from an audience fearing to be out of step. But before we get to that, let’s talk about guns.

  November 1, 2011

  So, a South Carolina sheriff is urging women to get concealed weapons permits and carry a gun. Sheriff Chuck Wright said this after an arrest of a suspected rapist yesterday, telling women to pack a .45 because they wouldn’t have to be accurate. Just close.

  And it’s true, guns do make a bigger hole than mace—and unlike rape whistles, they provide instant ventilation. Wright even suggested keeping the gun in a fanny pack, instantly making fanny packs cooler than they ever should be.

  A lot of my pistol-packing pals carry their gun in a front fanny pack. When I ask why, they show me. One famous musician friend explains: “If I am about to be mugged, they’ll obviously demand my wallet.
So I just say, ‘Let me get it out of my fanny pack,’ then I unzip the fanny pack and reach in. I never take the gun out. You don’t have to—just fire through the fanny pack.” I will never laugh at a fanny pack again.

  Wright is right, though. Remember, women possess far less muscle mass than men. So, a gun provides the equalizer that Mother Nature forgot.

  And common sense tells you if you give a rapist a choice of who to rape, an armed or an unarmed woman, who is he going to pick?

  In my head a Smith & Wesson does more for empowering women than feminism ever could.

  Think about it. Right now, not a single feminist group has piped up about the toxic atmosphere at the Occupy protests, where rapes and assaults go unreported, all for the greater good.

  So, maybe the true feminist icon shouldn’t be Gloria Steinem but Annie Oakley.

  The fact is, keeping a piece is the only way to keep the peace. So, get one to match your shoes.

  That monologue might be the most often quoted one on Twitter—especially the line about Smith & Wesson doing more for empowerment than feminism. The reason is because its truth is undeniable. An unarmed feminist is powerless against a rapist, or a domestic abuser. An armed woman can blow holes in both [providing she goes to the range and becomes technically proficient]. Imagine if a group of people warned women against driving cars, because cars are dangerous, and are hard to control, especially for delicate lady hands. That’s how liberals address women and guns. They’re shocked by people like Dana Loesch and Katie Pavlich—tough girls who extol the virtues of firepower. It’s sexism at its worst. If women can drive, why can’t they pack heat?