Kiss Like a Fist_A Paranormal Harem Pulp Novel

by Jake Richter

  “Thanks!” Alex yelled as he turned back to Ash.

  “I could use some help instead of the thanks!” she yelled back.

  Ash and Alex stood back-to-back, blasting the creatures that charged at them from the shadows. Minnie and Camille joined the action, and soon the foursome were lighting up the cornfield, dropping the demons where they stood.

  In seconds they were low on ammo but had beaten back the monsters. Something stirred in the darkness and Alex spotted a creature that resembled a toad attached to the body of a bear. It was lumbering up the darkened road, picking up speed.

  “We need to think of something fast!” Alex said, steeling himself.

  A horn sounded and Alex looked sideways to see the Challenger approaching.

  Accelerating.

  Flashing its high beams.

  Alex and the ladies ducked for cover as—

  The Challenger plowed into the toad creature which broke apart on impact, the remains of the monster scattered across the hood.

  The Challenger skidded to a stop, the windshield wipers flicking back and forth, removing the slick of black blood left by the toad creature.

  Spence emerged from inside the car. “Everybody okay?”

  Alex moved over, bumping fists with Spence. “We’re good. Now let’s get out of here. We’ve got a long night ahead of us.”

  Dawn was a few hours away, and the black smear of a sky was softening into a dark blue when they arrived at Panora, Iowa. It was a small town with a college campus, although no students were in sight at this early hour. This quiet backwater was home to the state-run mental health facility. The sleepy town of about a thousand shared its space with the broken and disaffected, but they were all stored behind a high stone fence that encircled the facility’s grounds.

  Alex was surprised to see a single toll gate protecting the way in. The guard booth was unmanned and so the Challenger just drove into a parking lot situated in the middle of the campus, which consisted of four squat three-story brick buildings which were interconnected by covered walkways.

  Ash looked over at Alex. “Any idea where your aunt might be?”

  Alex shook his head. “I came here once when I was little.”

  “Some great nephew you were.”

  “My grandparents didn’t want me to know. Aunt Esther was the skeleton in the family closet if you know what I mean.”

  “Head to the admin building,” Camille said. “I’ve reaped people in places like this. That’s always where you need to start.”

  The group exited the Challenger and shuffled from building to building, finally spotting a sign that referenced “Personnel,” which they all thought was the closest thing they’d find to an administration building.

  Alex and Ash led the others to the front of the building, which was locked.

  Alex turned back. “Shit! It’s locked.”

  Spence held Alex’s look. “You thought the front doors to a mental hospital were just gonna be unlocked?”

  Alex nodded.

  “Well, I guess we’re screwed then,” Spence said. “Unless someone has a key.”

  Ash whipped her Bitch Killer gun out. “I’ve got a key.”

  She fired a shot that atomized the front doors.

  Jets of smoke filled the air, sirens sounded, and people shouted in the distance. Alex led everyone inside, the five running over the checkerboard linoleum floor.

  Footfalls sounded in the distance and Alex hesitated, plumbing his memory, trying to remember where he’d seen his aunt so many years ago.

  Somebody shouted and the five ran down a corridor, past a startled attendant sitting at his station.

  “Hey!” the attendant shouted. “You’re not allowed back there!”

  Alex met a locked metal door with a glass window. Ash used the butt of her gun to batter it down.

  They took off down a hallway toward a large day room which was surprisingly well-populated given the time of night.

  A TV blared in the corner and soft music echoed, which was jarring against the whine of the alarms.

  “We’ve got minutes, maybe less before someone comes for us,” Ash said.

  Alex nodded and heard a man’s voice. “Hey what are you doing? No snacks before lunch. No snacks!”

  He turned to see someone emerging from a side room, a hulking man chain-huffing on a cigarette. The man was well-muscled, tanned, and appeared to be staring down the barrel of fifty. His eyes skipped back and forth to match his nervous ticks and gestures.

  Alex tensed and raised a hand in a gesture of goodwill.

  Then he saw that the man was wearing a gown and fuzzy slippers.

  Definitely not an employee.

  “We’re looking for somebody,” Alex said.

  “Ain’t we all,” the man replied with a sly smile.

  The man took several steps forward and Alex tensed.

  “Don’t hurt him,” Ash said. “Karma’s a bitch. I mean that literally. Karma is an actual chick in the Underworld and she is not to be trifled with. We start beating up innocent people, and it’ll come back to haunt us.”

  “Esther Doyle,” Alex said to the big man. “We’ve come to see Esther Doyle.”

  “Maybe I know her,” the man said. “What do I get in return?”

  “A hearty handshake,” Alex replied.

  “Which ain’t worth a damn.”

  Ash held out a pack of smokes. The man saw these and grinned. “Now you’re talking, little lady.”

  Ash tossed him the smokes and he sniffed them before turning and screaming, “CIGAR LADY!”

  Nobody responded so he shouted again.

  Something moved peripherally and Alex turned.

  Out of the gloom at the back of the room, a figure rose from a rocking chair. The figure strode haltingly forward, inching into a pool of moonlight from a nearby window.

  It was a beautiful elderly woman dressed in a blue robe who squinted at the big man. “Cavetti! If you ask me for another fucking cigar I’m gonna beat you like a rented mule!”

  Ash looked to Alex. “Your aunt?”

  Alex nodded. “That’s her.”

  Ash laughed. “My kinda lady.”

  Alex raised his voice in a stage whisper. “Aunt Esther, it’s Alex!”

  Aunt Esther squinted through the darkness. “Christ on his throne, is that…Alex?”

  “It’s me, Aunt Esther.”

  She eyed him warily. “You come to spring me?”

  “Yes, ma’am.”

  “What the fuck took you so long?” Aunt Esther asked.

  “I guess you could say I was waiting for the right people to help me.”

  Aunt Esther searched the faces of Ash, the ladies, and Spence. “That is a motley group you got there. And I say that having been in a mental hospital for most of my life.”

  “Grandma’s been kidnapped,” Alex said, hearing the sounds of shouts growing closer.

  “Cassie?”

  Alex nodded.

  “Where is she?” Aunt Esther asked.

  “That’s kinda what we were hoping you could tell us.”

  Aunt Esther waved her hand in front of Alex’s face as if testing to see if he was real. “If you’re a figment of my very vivid imagination, you have to tell me,” she said.

  “I’m not, Aunt Esther. Grandma’s been kidnapped and I need your help.”

  Aunt Esther reached down inside her robe. There was a compartment stitched into the side that was nearly impossible to see. She removed a long cigar and fixed a look on Alex. “You got some wheels?”

  “Yes, ma’am,” Alex said.

  Aunt Esther nodded. “Okay. Let’s do this.”

  24

  Cigar in her mouth, Aunt Esther led Alex and the others on a mad dash down a stairwell at the back of the building.

  They came to another locked door that Ash and the Belles kicked down and then they were back outside in the blue light of pre-dawn.

  Ash lit Aunt Esther’s cigar as the six hauled ass back t
o the Challenger. Aunt Esther whistled when she spotted it. “That is one badass piece of vehicular divinity.”

  They clambered into the car and thundered out through the gate as security personnel ran after them.

  Minutes later, they were back out on a main road. Alex’s eyes were everywhere, on the road ahead, on Ash, and on Aunt Esther who was stuffed into the back seat with Spence, Camille, and Minnie.

  He noted a look of freedom and happiness on Aunt Esther’s face as she puffed on the cigar, much to the displeasure of Spence who coughed.

  “So tell me, Alex, what kind of trouble are you in?”

  “What makes you think that?”

  “Unless this is one of my fever dreams, it ain’t that difficult to figure out.”

  Alex sighed. “I kind of set in motion some events that could lead to the end of the world.”

  Aunt Esther blew a ring of smoke. “Yeah, and I’m the one that was locked up inside Nutsville State Hospital back there.”

  “I’m serious, Aunt Esther. Some very bad people think I stole a precious object and if we don’t get it back, we’re all dead.”

  “Where’s this object?”

  Ash looked back. “A place called the Otherworld.”

  The cigar fell from Aunt Esther’s lips.

  “You’ve heard of it, haven’t you?” Ash asked.

  “Once upon a time, yes,” Aunt Esther said.

  “There was a church,” Alex said.

  “It’s a little bit more than that, Alex.”

  “Do you know where it is?”

  Aunt Esther nodded. “Question is, are you sure you want to go there?”

  “It’s our only hope.”

  Aunt Esther sucked on her cigar and sighed. “Leave it to an Archer to endanger humanity.”

  They drove into the night and Aunt Esther ran the conversation for most of the time. Most of her initial questions centered around what everyone thought had happened to her sister, Alex’s grandmother. She was terrified that something horrible had happened to her, even as Ash sought to assuage her concerns, telling her that she was worth far more alive than dead to Grimwood. After that, Aunt Esther detailed how she’d once belonged to an underground church with Alex’s grandmother and grandfather, although it was her sister that would almost always go, and how there’d long been discussions of some secretive way into what Alex’s grandfather had called “The Great Void.” She didn’t seem to know the details, but believed the other members of the church might have answers.

  “Well, the thing you need to realize is that from all that I’ve heard, the Otherworld is vast, as big and sprawling as this continent.

  “How do you know that?” Ash asked.

  “Because there’s a well at the bottom of the church,” Aunt Esther said. “A place where messages appear every now and again.”

  “What kind of messages?” Alex asked.

  Aunt Esther smiled grimly. “Messages from the other side, my boy.”

  They drove on, with Aunt Esther relating her memories of where the church was located, hidden out in the middle of a colossal cornfield on a five-thousand acre farm owned by a wealthy commodities trader who was a member of the sect. They agreed that they would do their best to rationally discuss the situation with whoever might be in the church, in the hopes of getting some answers.

  “What happens if Grimwood shows up?” Alex asked.

  “What in God’s name is a Grimwood?” Aunt Esther asked.

  “He’s a dark spirit from the Underworld who kidnapped Grandma because he thinks I stole a magical sickle.”

  Aunt Esther took this in. “This keeps getting better and better.”

  Alex smirked. “Are you sorry you came along?”

  “I’m not. What else would I be doing? Sitting around, sucking down meds, listening to a bunch of unqualified schmucks tell me how nutzo I am?”

  “You’re not nuts, Aunt Esther.”

  “I know I’m not. I probably could’ve gotten out a long time ago, but I got used to the routine and the food wasn’t half bad.”

  They shared a laugh and then Aunt Esther’s omnipresent smile faded. “Do you think she’s okay, Alex? Do you think we’ll find Cassie?”

  Alex stared into the darkness ahead and nodded. “If we don’t we’re going to make Grimwood pay for whatever he did to her.”

  A lone motorcycle sat in the brush on the side of a road, unnoticed by the people in the Challenger that zipped past. Grimwood dismounted the bike, stretched his long frame, and peered back at Dante.

  “We could take them out if we wanted to,” Dante said.

  Grimwood dusted himself off. “And what would that accomplish, Dante?”

  “We’d get some payback.”

  “And then how would we find the sickle?”

  Dante opened his mouth to respond, but no words came out. “Do you see now why I’m in charge?”

  Dante nodded, a look of recognition washing over him. “So this whole thing, letting them escape, that was on purpose?”

  “Am I genius, or what? Instead of over-exerting ourselves, we’ll let them feel all warm and fuzzy. That they accomplished something. That they outsmarted us.”

  “And the whole time they’ll be leading us right to the sickle, eh, boss?

  Grimwood smiled and nodded. “And then, when we get the sickle, that’s when it will be payback time.”

  “What about Alex’s grandmother?”

  Grimwood sucked on his teeth. “She’s in our sanctuary, trapped like all the other souls who can’t cross over since the Unwinding started, but I made sure her spirit was separated just in case we needed to use her as leverage.”

  “Always a step ahead, my lord.”

  “I appreciate your ass-kissing, Dante.”

  Dante grinned and Grimwood glanced up at the sky which was black, but roiling. Strange shapes undulated and periodically red lightning strikes were visible. Grimwood knew what that meant.

  The Unwinding was near.

  He revved the engine again and peeled off.

  25

  The Challenger cut through the darkness, turning off several times to motor across back roads and country lanes, the asphalt so black that Alex was forced to keep the high beams on. By the time they arrived outside of what Aunt Esther said was the cornfield, dawn was fast approaching, the sky lightening, the world slowly stitching itself together again. Alex looked closer and saw a strange, unnatural light at the edge of the horizon. The light there was almost purple, as if a black curtain was being drawn across the land.

  Ash looked at her wrist. The Unwinding tattoo glowed, more ink vanishing from the image of the clock. “We’re losing the light,” Ash whispered. “The Unwinding draws near.”

  Alex parked the Challenger in front of the black gate that hung across a gravel road that led into the field. He looked in every direction and Aunt Esther was right. It was the biggest fucking cornfield that Alex had ever seen before, and the stalks were seven or eight feet tall which meant he could barely see twenty feet into the field. There could be anything in the middle of it, he thought to himself…including Grimwood. The notion that he and his demonic minions might be hiding in the corn, waiting to ambush them, unnerved Alex.

  Camille exited the car, tendrils of fire licking the end of her fingers. Even though dawn was near the field was shrouded in murk, so she moved beyond Alex, holding her hands up to light the way forward. Alex moved to the gate and found that it was locked. He returned to the Challenger with Camille. “It’s locked,” he said to the others.

  “So go around it,” Spence replied.

  “But…the corn.”

  “There’s a reason this thing has three hundred horses under the hood, bro.”

  Aunt Esther nodded. “Run it down.”

  Alex put the Challenger in gear, then looked at Ash who nodded and smiled mischievously. She cradled her Bitch Killer and Spence began pumping a fist as Alex stood on the gas.

  The Challenger leaped forward, veering around the
gate, plowing through the tall corn. The stalks slapped against the windshield and side panels. Alex sawed the wheel, gunning the car back onto the gravel road as the others hooted and hollered.

  They flew down the gravel road which curled into the interior of the never-ending sweep of corn, driving for a good ten minutes, passing rusted farm equipment and several waterlogged scarecrows.

  “I hope you’ll forgive me if I was wrong,” Aunt Esther said. “It’s been years and my memory ain’t what it used to be.”

  Alex didn’t respond, he was too busy processing what it might mean to be completely and absolutely screwed. What if they didn’t know the way? What if there was no way to track down the sickle or defeat Grimwood and find his grandmother? What then?

  “I saw something!” Ash shouted.

  Alex slammed on the brakes.

  He looked up.

  There was a flash in between the green stalks of corn.

  A glint of sunlight off metal, or glass.

  He toed the gas and rumbled down the road which widened to reveal an area devoid of corn, grass, or any other living thing.

  They’d found it, Alex thought.

  They’d found the church.

  26

  “Yeah, um, we’ve got one problem,” Spence said, leaning over the backseat. “There’s no church.”

  Alex looked out.

  Shit!

  Spence was right.

  The land in front of him was denuded of vegetation, almost as if someone had taken the world’s largest blowtorch and flattened the corn in a circular pattern.

  “No, this is it,” Aunt Esther said breathlessly. “Been a very long time, but I remember this.”

  She exited the Challenger and Alex and the others followed.

  Alex shadowed Aunt Esther who lit another cigar as she marched across the barren field.

  “Where is it?” Alex asked. “Where’s the church?”

  Aunt Esther smiled. “We’re standing on top of it.”