by E. K. Blair
When she sets her glass down on the counter, she reveals, “She’s different than I was expecting.”
“How so?”
“Just . . . different.” When I narrow my eyes at her, she grins and assures, “It’s a good thing, dear. Relax,” before patting my arm a couple of times and walking away.
“Where are you going?”
“Dining room to visit with the girls.”
I let her have her time with Candace, even though I feel like I want to go in there and check on her. But I don’t. Instead I busy myself with Connor, helping him out with a puzzle on the floor. When I look up, I see my mom and Candace passing through the kitchen. She catches my eye, and I give her a small half grin as they walk through, heading to the study. I like seeing her here, with my mom, in my familiar surroundings, mixed in with my family.
Candace is now in the kitchen, helping Mom cook while I drink a beer and hang out with the guys. I can’t keep my eyes off of her as I watch her laughing with my mom while they get everything ready for dinner, and I know instantly that I want to see this again. Have her here again.
She makes me nervous because she has this power about her that is dragging emotions out of me when no one in the past has been able to. She has no clue what she’s doing to me, and that’s a scary thing when I think about admitting how I’m feeling about her.
After a while, I unload the gifts and let the kids open everything. My mom was right—they’re much crazier than they were last year, but they’re another year older, and I’m sure next year will be even wilder. Candace sits on the couch with Tori while they laugh at me being overtaken by the little ones.
When dinner is done, Candace excuses herself to go upstairs to relieve Katie from mommy duties. Her daughter, Maddie, hasn’t been feeling well all day, and Candace told me that she needed some quiet time, so she’s up in my room with Maddie, and Katie is finally getting to eat dinner.
My aunts are cleaning up, Jenna and the guys are getting all the kids ready for bed, and Tori and I band off into the study to talk.
“I got a job,” she tells me as we sit down.
“What made you decide to go back to work?”
“After you and I talked this summer, I decided to just be honest with Trevor. Told him pretty much what I told you,” she says. “He suggested the same thing. Thought I should get out of the house, get back into a routine. So I called my old boss, and it was as easy as that.”
“When do you start?” I ask.
“Second week in January,” she says with a little uncertainty.
“You ready to leave Connor and Bailey?”
“Yes and no.” Tori is a great mom and is very attached to her kids, so it makes sense that this transition would be hard for her since she’s been a stay-at-home mom for the past four years.
“It’ll be fine,” I say. “So you and Trevor are on the same page?”
“He never got off track. It was me. I think I’ve been miserable because I’ve been lost. I wasn’t doing anything about it, and it made me start questioning everything. But he’s supportive. Always has been. He just had no clue how I was feeling. Once I was honest with him, things started to change. So yeah, we’re good.”
“Good.”
“What about you?” she questions.
“What do you mean?” I ask, not understanding what she’s asking.
“Being honest,” she starts, “Candace told me that she thinks you brought her here because you feel sorry for her.”
“She said that?” I feel horrible that she would even think that.
Tori nods her head and then questions, “How long do you plan on avoiding telling her how you feel?”
Letting out a deep breath, I tell her, “She makes me nervous.” When Tori smiles, I say, “I’m glad you’re enjoying my discomfort.”
“I’m just enjoying seeing a girl have this effect on you,” she admits before she stands up. “I’m heading to bed, but for what it’s worth, I really like her.”
I follow her out, and the house is quiet. I see my mom in the kitchen, turning everything off.
“You going to bed?” I ask her.
“Yes. It’s getting late. Is Candace still upstairs?”
“Yeah, I’m gonna go up there and get her. I think we’ll just crash down here and let Maddie take my bed.”
“Well, tell her that I’ll see her in the morning, will you?”
“Okay, Mom.”
We say good night, and I go to the hall closet to pull out some blankets and pillows. I toss everything on the floor, making a makeshift bed for me to sleep on and lay out a blanket and pillow on the couch for Candace. We had planned on her taking my room, but since Maddie is sick, I figure this is a fair alternative.
I pick up Candace’s bag and head upstairs to my room. Quietly, I open the door to see Maddie passed out, lying on top of Candace. When she rolls her head to the side and looks at me, I walk in and laugh. “Are you stuck under Maddie?”
“I didn’t want to move and wake her up. What time is it?” she asks.
“Past eleven. Everyone has gone to bed. I told Katie that I would check on you and Maddie.”
“I wanted to thank your mother before she went to bed.”
“Don’t worry about it. Here’s your bag,” I tell her as I set it next to the bed. “I made a big pallet of blankets and pillows downstairs in the living room. Since Maddie is in my room, we’re just going to sleep down there. We can watch a movie or something if you want.”
“Oh . . . umm . . .” she stutters, and I know she’s uncomfortable with the change in plans.
“Don’t worry. I’ll take the floor, and you can have the couch.” I walk over to my dresser to pull out a pair of pajama pants for myself and let her know, “I’ll be downstairs. You can use my bathroom to change,” before walking out and heading back down.
It doesn’t take too long before Candace is walking down in a black sleeveless top and a pair of pajama pants. She has no clue how sexy she looks right now, and I have to look away. I open the fridge to grab a bottle of water.
“You mind if I take the floor?” she asks.
“You sure?”
“Yeah. It looks more comfortable anyway.”
“Okay.”
She sits down and slides herself under the pile of blankets as I walk over and sit next to her. The thought of sleeping, even in the same room as her, has me on edge. It’s like dangling a piece of meat in front of a starved animal. It’s life’s sick revenge for taking things way too easily and now making me restrain myself in the worst way possible because I’ve never wanted anything more.
“TCM?” I ask as I flick on the TV.
“It’s all we ever watch,” she teases, and I like it. “Why switch now?”
“I think you’re starting to like my movies.”
“Maybe.”
We sit back and start watching a movie before I ask her, “Were you okay today?”
“I was. You’re really lucky; you have a great family.”
“Well, everyone really likes you, especially my mom.”
“She’s really nice. We had some time to visit earlier.”
She starts to grow tired as she inches herself under the covers and lays her head on the pillow by my side. When I look down at her, she has her eyes closed. Knowing she’s still awake, I don’t let that stop me from running my fingers through her hair.
I continue to do this as I zone out on the TV. My mind can’t even focus, and when I hear her breathing steady, I slip my hand under her head and gently move her to my lap. When I do this, she unconsciously wraps her one arm around my waist, and with greed, I savor the contact.
She seemed to enjoy herself today, and I’m grateful that I was able to give this to her since yesterday went horribly wrong, having to walk away from the only blood family she knows. The reactions she sparks in me are intense, and I know I need to heed Tori’s advice and be honest with her—soon. But I take this moment and just relish her being so close to
me.
I don’t want to fall asleep, but when my eyes grow too heavy for me to fight, I reluctantly slip myself out from underneath her, laying her head back down on the pillow, and find myself alone on the couch. I lie there, across the room, the only hint of light coming from the last sparks of fire in the fireplace. It’s enough of a glow that I can still watch her, so that’s what I do—I watch her as she sleeps until I finally drift off.
My eyes shoot open when I hear a hard gasp of air. Candace is panicked, trying to catch her breath as her body thrashes awake. I lurch off of the couch, and I’m by her side in an instant, pulling her into my arms.
“You okay?”
Her body is stiff with tension as she shakes under my hold.
“What happened, babe?”
“Bad dream,” she quietly whispers through her erratic breaths.
“Slow your breathing down, okay?” I tell her as I hold her against my chest. I’m slightly disoriented, still in a haze as my head catches up to my body’s sudden alertness. When she wraps her arms around my waist, I begin to rub her back, trying to soothe her from her nightmare. She scared the shit out of me, yanking me out of a deep sleep.
I can start to feel her breathing slow down, and when it does, I ask, “Wanna talk about it?” curious as to what she was dreaming about that caused her that much panic.
She shakes her head no against me, and I keep her folded in my arms as I lower us down and pull the blankets over us. Face to face, her eyes shift up to mine. I have her tucked tightly to me as she begins to get her breathing under control and relaxes. I don’t want to think about what’s in her head that’s clearly tormenting her because looking at her as she peers up at me with her hazel eyes is all I want to focus on. I can’t read her expression, but right now, I try not to decode her. I just take her in. I feel the build-up beating inside of me, and I can’t keep it in any longer.
I want her.
I run my hand over her forehead and down to her cheek where I keep it. I study every detail about her, and her breathing increases slightly along with mine. I know she feels it. Feels what I want. I don’t even need to say anything because the attraction is that palpable. Her brow twitches when she slides her small hand over my cheek and rests it there. Wrapped up in each other—close—I scan her face for a sign. Permission. For anything that tells me this is okay.
I can tell she’s scared. I can tell she doesn’t know if she wants this—wants me. God, I just want to kiss her. But more than that, I want her to kiss me. I want her to want it as badly as I do, and when my eyes find hers again, she gives me the slightest nod of her head, and I’ve never felt so relieved in my life.
She wants me.
Knowing that I’ll want more than she’ll give me, I move slow, needing this to last for as long as she’ll let it. Her eyes fall shut and she begins to tremble. I hate that she’s scared of this when it feels so right to me, but I’m determined to take her apprehension about this away as I softly press my lips to hers.
I’m gone. I knew I would be.
My heart thuds hard as I tighten my grip on her, needing her as close to me as I can get her. I kiss her slowly, and when she finally relaxes and begins to move her lips with mine, I take more. I can’t help myself. I drag my tongue across her lip, smooth, soft. She’s the sweetest thing I’ve ever tasted. Threading my hand in her hair, pressing her body into mine, she wraps her hands up from underneath my arms and braces them tightly on my shoulders.
A soft whimper breaks from her, but she never takes her lips from mine. She has me, and I’m fuckin’ lost in her right now. I’ve never had the ties of emotion with a girl, so to say this one has me bound would be an understatement. What she gives me is something I never even knew I needed, so I never even looked for it.
Moving us off of our sides, I roll on top of her, and I feel her soften beneath me. She runs her hands down my shoulders and grips my forearms tightly as I gently nip her lip before she allows me to dip my tongue inside of her mouth. I linger, moving slowly, needing to feel as much of her as I can. She caresses my tongue with hers, and having her like this, giving this to me like she is, I know I have to make her mine because I’m never gonna want to let her go.
But when she pushes her hands against my arms, everything is questionable again as she pulls away from me.
“I’m sorry,” she whispers, eyes still closed.
Tucking my arm underneath her, I speak quietly. “Look at me, Candace.” I brush the back of my fingers along the soft skin of her face. When she finally opens her eyes and looks up at me, I say, “I don’t want you to feel sorry for that.”
She lets out a small hum as she slowly nods her head, but it’s when she slides her arms around my back, holding on to me, that I begin to calm. I rest my forehead on hers and breathe her in, taking all I can. I feel her head shift as she tilts her chin up, and this time, I don’t have to take. She lifts up and melds her lips with mine, and I slowly fall into her touch as she holds my face in her warm hands, keeping me close to her.
When I finally drag my lips off of hers, she stays close, and I keep her that way until she falls asleep. I watch her; I can’t help myself. I have her arms around me and spend a lengthy amount of time stroking her back, touching the bare skin along her neck, her arms, her jaw, before falling asleep with her.
I’m awake. She’s doesn’t know it because I’m greedy and don’t want to move away from her. She woke up a few minutes ago, but I lie here with my eyes closed, arm around her, legs tangled with hers. It feels too good to disrupt, so I don’t.
I wonder how she’s feeling after last night. A thousand questions start to rack my brain, and now I fear that I’ll never get that again. So for now, I pretend to sleep.
“Night night over,” I hear Bailey’s voice declare, and I know the pretending is done.
“It’s not over, Bailey,” I mumble, just wanting a few more minutes with Candace. I feel her shift, but I keep my eyes shut, and I know I’m busted. I don’t care though.
“I eat bweakfast. Night night over.”
“Okay,” Candace whispers and begins to slip out from my hold, but I tighten my arm around her and pull her back to me.
“Where are you going?” I ask, finally opening my eyes.
“To go get her something to eat.”
She slides out of the blankets, and I can only hope that I’ll be able to get her in my sheets again. That I can continue to have her like I did last night.
I roll over and watch as she settles Bailey with a bowl of cereal. Getting up, I make my way into the kitchen to start a pot of coffee while Candace busies herself with Bailey, peeling a banana for her.
“Want some?” I ask as she walks back into the kitchen.
She keeps her eyes down and gives me a nod. Fuck. She doesn’t want to look at me. She’s embarrassed. Nervous. Not what I was wanting.
“Umm, I’m gonna sneak upstairs and get cleaned up,” she says as I rip open a packet of sugar for her coffee.
After I stir in the cream, I hand the mug to her, and she finally meets my eyes. Timid. She quietly thanks me and stands there for a moment, staring at the steam floating off of the coffee. I’m scared to know what she’s thinking so intently about, but I ask anyway.
“Hey. You okay?”
“Yeah, I’m fine. I just want to get ready before everyone wakes up.”
“Okay.”
I know she just really needs to get space from me, and I have no choice but to accept it as I watch her head upstairs to my room.
I wander over and sit down next to Bailey at the table as she smacks on her cereal. Nursing my cup of coffee, I decide that I’m not gonna let her shut down. I don’t want her feeling uncomfortable, so I’ll get her out of the house and take her to one of my favorite places. I need to talk with her. Be honest. Let her know where how I’m feeling because if I don’t, then she’s just gonna continue to feel awkward for the next couple of days that we’re here. I try to not think about what she’s going to say
. None of this is in my control and not having that power is unsettling.
Looking up, I see Tori walking in.
“What are you guys doing up?” she asks as she pulls down a mug.
“Your little rugrat was hungry and snuck downstairs,” I tell her as I give Bailey a wink before I stand up. “I’m gonna go get ready.”
When I walk upstairs, Maddie is still asleep, and I can hear the shower running as I grab some clothes out of the dresser and closet and then go to one of the downstairs guest bathrooms to shower.
She still isn’t downstairs when I’m ready. I pass by the kitchen, which is loud as everyone is making breakfast and visiting. When I spot Maddie, I decide to go up and check on Candace.
The bathroom door is closed and the smell of her shower fills the room, intoxicating me, making this more agonizing. But I suck it up because I don’t want to make her uncomfortable with how strongly I’m feeling about all of this.
When I knock on the door, she says, “Come in.”
She stands there in a pair of jeans and one of her college sweatshirts, hair stacked on top of her head, applying her lipgloss. I slide up next to her, leaning back against the counter, and watch. Grab her. Touch her. Kiss her. I shake my scrambling thoughts as she tosses her things into her small bag, and avoids acknowledging me. But when she moves to walk past me, I grab her by the waist and pull her to me, asking, “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing. Really,” she lies, shutting me out.
Looking at her, watching that tick of her brow, I ask, “You wanna get out of here for a while?”
She doesn’t miss a second when she nods her head. Relief. She doesn’t want to stay away from me.
I slide my hand down her wrist and hold her hand, but this time, I lace my fingers with hers, holding her differently—needing to—and head out.
It’s rainy this morning as I drive through the narrow, winding road in Ecola Park. I’ve always loved this area, dense with lush, tall trees and deep cliffs. I try to focus on the surroundings, but I can’t escape my nerves. This is all new to me. I’ve never done this before, and I don’t know what the fuck I’m gonna say. All I know is that I want her.