The Mists of Avalon

by Marion Marion Bradley

  "The Goddess will prevent them," said Morgaine simply.

  "Maybe so," Lancelet said, and reached up to touch the blue crescent on her forehead. "It is here that you touched me when you made me see into the other world. Has this to do with the Sight, Morgaine, or is that another of your Mysteries of which you may not speak? Well, I'll not ask you, then. But I feel as if I had been ravished into one of the old fairy forts where, they say, a hundred years can pass in a night."

  "Not so long as that," Morgaine said, laughing, "though it is true that time runs differently there. But some of the bards, I have heard, can still come and go from the elf country ... it has moved further than Avalon into the mists, that is all." And as she spoke, she shivered.

  Lancelet said, "Maybe when I go back to the real world, the Saxons will all have been vanquished ... and gone."

  "And will you weep because there is no longer any reason for your life?"

  He laughed and shook his head, holding her hand in his. After a minute he said in a low voice, "Have you, then, gone to the Beltane fires to serve the Goddess?"

  "No," said Morgaine quietly. "I am virgin while the Goddess wills; most likely I am to be kept for the Great Marriage ... Viviane has not made her will or the will of the Goddess known to me." She bent her head and let her hair fall across her face, feeling shy before him, as if he could read her thoughts and know the desire which swept through her like a sudden flame. Would she indeed lay down that guarded virginity if he should ask it of her? Never before had the prohibition seemed a hardship; now it seemed that a sword of fire was laid between them. There was a long silence, while the shadows passed across the sun, and there was no sound except the chirping of small insects in the grass. At last Lancelet reached up and drew her down, laying a soft kiss, which burned like fire, on the crescent on her brow. His voice was soft and intense.

  "All the Gods together forbid I should trespass where the Goddess has marked you for her own, my dear cousin. I hold you sacred as the Goddess herself." He held her close; she could feel that he was shaking, and a happiness so intense that it was pain flooded through her.

  She had never known what it was to be happy, not since she was a small and heedless child; happiness was something she dimly remembered before her mother had burdened her with the weight of her little brother. And here in the Island, life had soared into the free spaces of the spirit and she had known exaltation and the delights of power as well as the suffering and struggle of the pain and the ordeals; but never the pure happiness she knew now. The sun seemed to burn more brightly, the clouds to move through the sky like great wings against the dazzling, sparkling air, every bud of clover in the grass shimmered with its own interior light, a light that seemed to shine out from her as well. She saw herself mirrored in Lancelet's eyes and knew that she was beautiful, and that he desired her, and that his love and respect for her were so great that he would even hold his own desire within bounds. She felt she would burst with her joy.

  Time stopped. She swam in delight. He did no more than stroke her cheek with the gentlest of feather-light caresses, and neither of them wanted more. She played softly with his fingers, feeling the calluses on his palms.

  After a long time, he drew her against him and spread the edges of his cloak over her. They lay side by side, barely touching, letting the power of the sun and the earth and the air move through them in harmony, and she dropped into a dreamless sleep through which she was still conscious of their intertwined hands. It seemed that some time, a very long time ago, they had lain like this, content, timeless, in an endless joyful peace, as if they were part of the standing stones which had stood here forever; as if she both experienced and remembered being with him here. Later she woke and saw him sleeping, and sat memorizing every line of his face with a fierce tenderness.

  The sun had declined from noon when he woke, smiling into her eyes, and stretched like a cat. Still enclosed in the bubble of her joy, she heard him say, "We were going down to hunt waterfowl. I would like to make peace with my mother-I am so happy I cannot bear to think of being at odds with any living thing today, but perhaps the spirits of nature will send us some waterfowl whose given destiny is to make us a happy meal ... ."

  She laughed, clasping his hand. "I will take you where the water birds hunt and fish, and if it is the will of the Goddess, we will catch nothing, so we need not feel guilt about disturbing their destiny. But it is very muddy, so you must take off those boots you have for riding, and I will have to tuck up my dress again. Do you use a throwing stick like the Picts, or their little arrows with poison, or do you snare them and wring their necks?"

  "I think they suffer less when they are quickly netted and their necks broken at once," Lancelet said thoughtfully, and she nodded.

  "I will bring a net and snare-"

  They saw no one as they climbed down the Tor, sliding in a few minutes down what had taken them more than an hour to climb. Morgaine slipped into the building where nets and snares were kept and brought out two; they went quietly along the shore and found the reeds at the far side of the Island. Barefoot, they waded into the water, hiding in the reeds and spreading the nets. They were in the great shadow of the Tor, and the air felt chill; the water birds were already beginning to descend in numbers to feed. After a moment a bird began to struggle and flap, its feet caught in Morgaine's snare; she moved swiftly, seized it and, within seconds, broke its neck. Soon Lancelet caught one, then another; he tied their necks together with a band of reeds.

  "That is enough," he said. "It is good sport, but on such a day as this I would rather not kill anything needlessly, and there is one for my mother and two for the Merlin. Do you want one for yourself?"

  She shook her head. "I eat no flesh," she said.

  "You are so tiny," he said, "I suppose you need little food. I am big and I hunger quickly."

  "Are you hungry now? It is too early for most berries, but we might find some haws from the winter-"

  "No," he said, "not now, not really; my supper will be all the more welcome for a little hunger." They came up on the shore, soaked. Morgaine pulled off her deerskin overtunic to dry it on a bush, for it would stiffen, and pulled off her skirt too, wringing out the water, standing unselfconsciously in her undershift of unbleached linen. They found where they had left their shoes, but they did not put them on, only sitting on the grass, holding hands quietly and watching the waterfowl swimming, suddenly upending their tails and diving for small fish.

  "How still it is," Lancelet said. "It is as if we were the only people alive in all the world today, outside time and space and all cares and troubles, or thoughts of war or battle or kingdoms or strife ... ."

  She said, her voice shaking as the thought struck her that this golden time must end, "I wish this day could last forever!"

  "Morgaine, are you weeping?" he asked in sudden solicitude.

  "No," she said fiercely, shaking a single rebellious drop from her lashes, seeing the world burst into prism colors. She had never been able to weep; had never shed a single tear in fear or pain, through all the years of ordeals in the making of a priestess.

  "Cousin, kinswoman ... Morgaine," he said, holding her against him, stroking her cheek. She turned and clung to him, burying her face in the front of his tunic. He felt warm; she could feel the steady beat of his heart.

  After a moment he bent and laid one hand under her chin, raising her face, and their lips met.

  He whispered, "I would you were not pledged to the Goddess."

  "I, too," she said softly.

  "Come here, come here-let me hold you, like this-I have sworn I will not ... trespass."

  She closed her eyes; she no longer cared. Her oath seemed a thousand leagues and a thousand years distant, and not even the thought of Viviane's anger could have deterred her. Years afterward, she wondered what would have happened if they had stayed like that even a few more minutes; no doubt the Goddess in whose hands they lay would have had her will with them. But even as their lip
s joined again, Lancelet stiffened a little, as if hearing something just outside the range of hearing.

  Morgaine pulled away and sat up.

  "Morgaine, what is that?"

  "I hear nothing," she said, straining to hear beyond the sound of soft water lapping in the Lake, wind rustling in the reeds, and the occasional sound of a fish jumping. And then it came again, like a soft sighing ... like someone weeping.

  "Someone is crying," said Lancelet, and unfolded his long legs quickly to stand up. "Over there ... someone is hurt or lost, it sounds like a little girl ... ."

  Morgaine followed quickly, barefoot, leaving her skirt and tunic on the bush. It was just possible that one of the younger priestesses might have become lost here, though they were not supposed to leave the enclosure near the House of Maidens. Still, young girls were young girls, and could not yet be trusted not to break rules; one of the old priestesses had once said that the House of Maidens was for little girls whose whole duty in life was to spill things, break things, and forget things, the rules of their daily life among them, until they had spilled, broken, and forgotten everything they could, and thus made room in their lives for a little wisdom. And now that Morgaine was a full priestess, she had begun to instruct the young, and sometimes she felt the old priestess had been right: surely she had never been so silly and empty-headed as the girls who were now in the House of Maidens.

  They followed the sound. It was hazy, now fading out for minutes altogether, and then coming back, quite clear. Mist was beginning to drift in from the Lake in thick tendrils, and Morgaine was not quite sure whether it was ordinary fog born of the dampness and the approaching sunset, or whether it was the outlying mist of the veil surrounding the magical realm.

  "There," said Lancelet, plunging suddenly into the mist. Morgaine followed him and saw dimly, fading from shadow into reality and back again, the figure of a young girl standing in the water up to her ankles, and crying.

  Yes, Morgaine realized, she's really there; and, No, this is no priestess. She was very young and dazzlingly pretty; she seemed all white and gold, her skin pale as ivory just stained with coral, her eyes palest sky-blue, her hair long and pale and shining through the mist like living gold. She wore a white dress which she was trying unsuccessfully to hold out of the water. And somehow she seemed to shed tears without any ugly distortion of her face, so that, weeping, she only looked prettier than ever.

  Morgaine said, "What is the matter, child? Are you lost?"

  She stared at them as they came closer, and whispered, "Who are you? I didn't think anyone could hear me here-I called out to the sisters, but none of them could hear me, and then the land started to move, and where it had been all solid, suddenly I was standing here in the water and the reeds were all around me and I was afraid ... . What is this place? I never saw it before, and I have been in the convent for almost a year now ... ." And she crossed herself.

  Suddenly Morgaine knew what had happened. The veil had thinned, as it did occasionally in spots of such concentrated power, and somehow this girl had had enough sensitivity to be aware of it. This happened, sometimes, as a momentary vision, so that someone could see the other world as a shadow or a brief vision; but to move through into the other world was rare.

  The girl took a step toward them, but under her feet the marshy surface swayed, and she stopped in panic.

  "Stand still," Morgaine said gently. "The ground is a little unsafe here. I know the paths. I'll help you out, dear."

  But even as she moved forward, her hand extended, Lancelet stepped in front of her, picked up the young girl, and carried her to dry land, setting her down.

  "Your shoes are wet," he said, for they squelched as she moved. "Take them off and you can dry them."

  She looked at him in wonder; she had stopped crying. "You're very strong. Not even my father is as strong as that. And I think I have seen you somewhere, haven't I?"

  "I don't know," Lancelet said. "Who are you? Who is your father?"

  "My father is King Leodegranz," she said, "but I am here at school in the convent.. .." Her voice began to shake again. "Where is it? I cannot even see the building anywhere, or the church-"

  "Don't cry," Morgaine said, stepping forward, and the young girl drew back a little.

  "Are you one of the fairy people? You have that blue sign on your forehead-" and she raised her hand and crossed herself again. "No," she said doubtfully, "you cannot be a demoness, you do not vanish when I cross myself, as the sisters say any demon must do-but you are little and ugly like the fairy people-"

  Lancelet said firmly, "No, of course neither of us is a demon, and I think we can find the way back to your convent for you." Morgaine, her heart sinking, saw that he now looked upon the stranger as he had looked on her only minutes before, with love, desire, almost worship. As he turned back to Morgaine, saying eagerly, "We can help her, can't we?" Morgaine saw herself as she must look to Lancelet and to the strange golden maiden -small, dark, with the barbarian blue sign on her forehead, her shift muddy to the knees, her arms immodestly bare and her feet filthy, her hair coming down. Little and ugly like one of the fairy folk. Morgaine of the Fairies. So they had taunted her since childhood. She felt a surge of self-hatred, of loathing for her small, dark body, her half-naked limbs, the muddy deerskin. She snatched her damp skirt off the bush and put it on, conscious suddenly of her bare limbs; she wound the filthy deerskin tunic over it. For a moment, as Lancelet looked at her, she felt that he too must think her ugly, barbarian, alien; this exquisite golden creature belonged to his own world.

  He came and gently took the stranger girl's hand, with a respectful bow. "Come, we can show you the way back."

  "Yes," said Morgaine dully, "I will show you the way. Follow me, and stay close, because the ground is treacherous and you could mire yourself and not get out for a long time." For a furious moment she was tempted to lead them both into the impassable mire-she could do it, she knew the way-lead them out there and leave them to drown or wander forever in the mists.

  Lancelet asked, "What is your name?"

  The fair girl said, "My name is Gwenhwyfar," and she heard Lancelet murmuring, "What a lovely name, fitting to the lady who bears it." Morgaine felt a surge of hatred so great she thought that she would faint with its force. She felt it would be with her until she died, and in that molten instant she actually longed for death. All the color had gone from the day, into the mist and the mire and the dismal reeds, and all her happiness had gone with it.

  "Come," she repeated in a leaden voice, "and I will show you the way.

  As she turned to go she heard them laughing together behind her and wondered, through the dull surge of hatred, if they were laughing at her. She heard Gwenhwyfar's girlish voice saying, "But you don't belong to this horrible place, do you? You don't look like one of the fairy folk, you're not little and ugly."

  No, she thought, no, he was beautiful, and she-little and ugly. The words burned into her heart; she forgot that she looked like Viviane, and that, to her, Viviane was beautiful. She heard Lancelet saying, "No, no, I would love to come back with you-really, I would-but I am promised to dine with a relative this night, and my mother is angry enough with me already, I don't want to make the old gentleman angry too. But no, I don't belong to Avalon ... " and, after a minute, "No, she's-well, a cousin of my mother's, or .something like that, we knew each other when we were children, that's all." And now she knew that he was speaking of her. So quickly, then, all that had been between them had been reduced to a distant family tie. Fiercely fighting back a surge of tears that made her throat ache, knowing that weeping would make her uglier than ever in their eyes, she stepped on dry land. "There lies your convent, Gwenhwyfar. Be careful to keep to the path, or you may lose yourself in the mists again."

  She saw that the girl had been holding Lancelet's hand. It seemed to

  Morgaine that he let it go reluctantly. The girl said, "Thank you, oh, thank you!"

  "It is Morgaine you should th
ank," Lancelet reminded her. "It is she who knows the paths in and out of Avalon." The girl gave her a shy sidelong look. She dropped a little polite curtsey. "I thank you, mistress Morgaine."

  Morgaine drew a deep breath, drawing the mantle of a priestess around her again, the glamour she could summon when she would; despite her filthy and torn clothing, her bare feet, the hair that straggled in wet locks around her shoulders, she knew that suddenly she looked tall and imposing. She made a remote gesture of blessing and turned, silent, summoning Lancelet with another gesture. She knew, even though she did not see, that the awe and fright had returned to the girl's eyes, but she moved silently away, with the noiseless gliding of a priestess of Avalon, Lancelet's steps, reluctant, following her own silent ones.

  After a moment she looked back, but the mists had closed and the girl had vanished within them. Lancelet said, shaken, "How did you do that, Morgaine?"

  "How did I do what?" she asked.

  "Suddenly look so-so-like my mother. All tall and distant and remote and-and not quite real. Like a female demon. You frightened the poor girl, you shouldn't have done it!"

  Morgaine bit her tongue with her sudden wrath. She said in a remote and enigmatic voice, "Cousin, I am what I am," and turned, hurrying up the path ahead of him. She was cold and weary and sick with an inner sickness; she longed for the solitude of the House of Maidens. Lancelet seemed a long way behind her, but she no longer cared. He could find his own way from here.

  13

  In the spring of the year after this, through a drenching late-winter storm, the Merlin came late one night to Avalon. When word was brought to the Lady, she stared in astonishment.

  "A night such as this would drown the very frogs," she said. "What brings him out in such weather?"