Uncle Sean

by Ronald L Donaghe

  “Midnight Cowboy” made me nervous, especially when Ratso or something like that tells the cowboy Buck to pick up these hookers. And all the time I know that the cowboy really wants a boyfriend, least it felt like that to me, I couldn’t be sure. But people in the audience must’ve thought the same thing, cause they were booing and yelling “faggot!” real loud, and people got up and left. But me and Uncle Sean stayed right through to the end. He even let me hold his hand for a minute or two, before he squeezed it and put my hand back in my lap, and I could see him shake his head no. The thing is, the real pretty blond in front of us, just kept his arm around the other guy through the whole movie, and I seen a man’s wedding band on his hand like Daddy wears, only it was on his right hand. So when we were leaving, I kept looking at them, and I saw a wedding band on the other guy’s right hand, too.

  Needless to mention, I had a boner through the whole show, and by the time Uncle Sean and me was back in the car and the guys in the yellow pickup drove off, my boner was really hurting bad.

  This is the sad part. Kind of. Uncle Sean took me to that show for a purpose and, so, on the way home he talked a lot. He drove real slow, too, cause he had a lot to say.

  Since it was dark, I asked him if I could sit next to him, and he raised his arm, once we was out on the interstate, and let me sit up against him. But he didn’t smell like sweat. He smelled so sweet, I got tears in my eyes. And then he says, “Will, I’m going to let you sit next to me like this, because I’ve got things that need to be said, and I want you to know I’m not trying to hurt your feelings.”

  I started crying right off, silent, cause I was scared, and I loved him so much. I didn’t want to hear what he wanted to say, cause I was afraid, but he was letting me sit close like I always wanted. My heart was pounding, too.

  “I took you to see that show, because I wanted to see first how you felt about it,” he says. I could feel his voice inside his chest, and I wouldn’t sit up for a second. I laid my head on his chest, even though it was kind of getting his shirt wet.

  “I know,” I say. “I figured that out real quick, Uncle Sean.”

  “Then how did it make you feel?”

  “Skittish, specially when that old guy wants to pay the cowboy, and he beats him with the telephone, cause I know he’s afraid and needs the money. But Uncle Sean, I know the cowboy loves Ratso! I was real sad when Ratso died.”

  “It’s what you’re going to face, yourself,” Uncle Sean said. His arm around me was warm, and even though it was kind of hot even this late at night with the windows down and the wind blowing through, I liked the feel of his arm around me.

  Then I got this idea. “Then what about the two guys we saw in the parking lot? They were boyfriends, Uncle Sean. I seen they even had wedding rings! They didn’t look sad.”

  And Uncle Sean squeezed me real tight. “I saw that, too,” he says.

  “Then how did that make you feel?” I asked him right back.

  “It reminded me of Ted and me,” he said. “We were like those two men.”

  For a minute we were both quiet. So far, Uncle Sean hadn’t hurt my feelings a bit, though it made me kind of sad in my chest that the show was so mean on the cowboy, and he was mean to the old man. I knew about what the old man wanted, and I sure didn’t want to be like the old man. I told Uncle Sean that.

  “But nothing you saw tonight made you feel any different about wanting to have a boyfriend? Is that it?” Uncle Sean said. “You’re only fourteen, Will! Surely you can see that being like that is a lonely way to be. I bet if you got yourself a girlfriend this fall when you go to high school, you’ll feel completely different in a year.”

  I still didn’t sit up. I couldn’t. I was crying a little harder and my nose was running. I wiped it on my sleeve and put my arm around Uncle Sean’s chest and hugged him really hard. And he let me, waiting to hear what I had to say.

  So I said, “No, Uncle Sean. I ain’t going to have a girlfriend. Thanks for taking me to the show, but I’m darned more sure about how I feel now than I was when you got here Christmas. I’ve learned a lot. You wouldn’t believe what a kid I was when you got here.”

  He laughed at that and I didn’t get mad at him for laughing, because I could hear him agree, even though he didn’t say nothing.

  “Then if that’s how you really feel, Will, I want you to make a promise to yourself. This is important, okay?”

  “Okay,” I said. “To myself? And not you?”

  He shook his head and kissed the top of my head. We were driving real slow and cars were passing us, then big semis huffed passed, one even blowing his horn, because Uncle Sean really was driving like an old lady, I guess. But he said, “No. You make this promise to yourself.”

  “Okay,” I said, again. “What?”

  “Right now you’re a bundle of hormones. You’ve just come through to your manhood, and I suspect you jack off.”

  I giggled at that. “Is that what you call it?”

  He giggled to. “That’s one name for it. People call it all sorts of things.”

  “So what’s my promise?”

  He took a deep breath. I could feel his chest rise against my cheek, and I could hear his heart beating a little faster. “Promise not to rush into having sex with a boy, just because you think you need to.”

  For a minute, I couldn’t even draw a breath. In the back of my mind, I knew my feelings were what he called sex. Though I didn’t know what two guys could do. I knew what a boy and a girl could do. I’m not dumb about things like that. But the way Uncle Sean put it was like a splash of cold water on my face, and I still couldn’t breathe for a minute.

  Then I felt my boner. It ached so bad I knew I was going to have a wet dream soon, right there in the car on the way home. “You mean take all my clothes off? I already thought of that, Uncle Sean.”

  He burst out laughing so hard, I near got thrown up against the steering wheel. We were getting close to the turn off for 146. I sat up just to look around, kind of disappointed that we were halfway home. Then I remembered he said he was afraid he was going to hurt my feelings.

  When he calmed down, Uncle Sean turned off the interstate and got us headed down our road home. “You still haven’t promised, Will,” he said after a minute.

  I hugged his chest hard. “I promise,” I said.

  “And you won’t settle for the first boy that comes along, either, will you?”

  I didn’t know what he meant. And I said so. “Uncle Sean, I have you. I’m not looking for a boyfriend!”

  The moon was well above us, by now, and through the windows, past the headlights, out in the desert, everything was blurry and the mesquites and yucca looked like lumps of black against the pale ground. Only a minute or so later, he took a quick turn off on a rutty road that led up to an old ranch house. Nobody had lived there for as long as I could remember. But he pulled up to the yard and cut the lights and killed the engine.

  All of a sudden it was real quiet, except for the hoot of an owl in an old dead tree, or under the eaves of the house.

  Uncle Sean sat me up, but he didn’t push me away. He kept his arm around my shoulder and looked me in the eye. Even in the dark, I could see his eyes and almost make out the color of his lips. I also saw that he’d been crying the whole time we was talking.

  “It hurts me to tell you this,” Uncle Sean said. His voice was so quiet, I got real scared. I knew he was finally going to say something that might hurt—bad.

  “Please, Uncle Sean. Don’t say it, if it…if it hurts you. You been hurt enough!”

  “I have to, Will. I’m sorry. But let me first tell you that I love you so much. You’ve given me back my heart. When I got here, after losing Ted, I thought I’d never be able to fall in love, again. You have to understand that. Your love for me has helped me more than the drugs I might have taken to dull my pain. Okay?”

  I just nodded. I couldn’t speak at all. A sob had caught in my throat and just stayed there.

&nbs
p; “And seeing those two men at the show tonight helped me a great deal, too. The ones you said were wearing those rings. But your innocence, Will, and your deep feelings, even your own beauty…and you are beautiful, Will. This has helped me find my own heart. I hope you will always understand that.”

  “I do. Uncle Sean. I will, I mean.”

  He nodded, then he drew me back to his chest, and hugged me so hard, I began crying, feeling that sob come out.

  He took a breath and so did I.

  “Will, you have to realize that you and me cannot…we can NOT be boyfriends. First of all, even though you are very mature and feel very deeply about things, I would be the scum of the earth to make love to you. You’re only fourteen years old. I’m almost twenty-three. That makes me an adult and you a minor.”

  “No, Uncle Sean, please!” I said. But he hugged me harder, keeping his face hidden from me over my shoulder.

  “I will not abuse your parents’ trust in me. Your father would justly have me thrown in jail, if I made love to you, even though you seem to crave it. I’ve tested you to make sure you know how you feel, and I have no qualms about who Will Barnett is, but I won’t say it. You’ll have to say it for yourself, when you finally understand what all this means.”

  “But I know what it means,” I said into his chest.

  “No. You don’t, Will. But there’s one more thing that makes it impossible for us, even if you were my age.”

  “What?”

  “We’re related to each other. You’ve said it a thousand times, Will, every time you call me Uncle Sean. I’m your uncle!”

  It got real black there in the car up near the old house, out in the desert. So black I knew if I sat up, I wouldn’t be able to see any more. I didn’t want to move. I never wanted to leave Uncle Sean’s chest.

  But he made me sit up again. This time he looked me right in the eyes and when I tried to turn my face away, he put a hand on either cheek and made me look at him. He wasn’t smiling. He wasn’t about to laugh, and his eyes were so full of tears the moonlight turned them blurry.

  I was sobbing like a little kid. I couldn’t stop.

  Then real gentle like, still holding my face with his warm hands, he said, “Will, promise me you will never tell anyone, ever, that I did this one thing. Maybe it’s for you. But it’s also for me.”

  “What?” I said, though I was afraid to know.

  He didn’t say a word, but laid me back against the seat, and leaned over and kissed me on the mouth. I felt his lips pressed against mine and they were so soft, so warm, and his breath came onto my face, and I kissed him back a little harder, until we were kissing like I never dreamed. He put his arms around me, and I could feel his hand on the back of my head, and I did the same, and we continued to kiss right there in his car. It musta been five minutes that he kissed me, and when he sat up, I pulled away, and my heart felt so light, all I could do was smile and look at him.

  It hurt so bad what he’d said. It hurt until I could feel my heart melt and fall down into my stomach. But when we were finished kissing, I can’t explain. It was like he got Ted back for just a little while, and I got my wish. I found out what it was like, and I loved it. Loved him.

  “I won’t ever tell a soul, Uncle Sean. I hope you find another Ted,” I said. “I hope I find another Sean.”

  He started the engine and flicked on the lights and backed around, and we headed home. Then he says real quiet like, “Thanks, Will. Thanks for being the great young man you are. I won’t ever forget you. You’ll make some man a wonderful mate.”

  Six

  ———————▼———————

  I ain’t a crybaby. I got to say that. I just read through this tablet up to here, seeing how I only got five pages left. I guess I’ll use that other tablet Uncle Sean bought me, cause I can’t stop writing. It kind a got in my bones.

  Anyway, I ain’t, but I see where it looks like I cry a lot. Uncle Sean, he ain’t no crybaby, neither. Only he had that nervous breakdown over Theodore Seabrook getting murdered and all. No telling what that’d feel like, say, if Uncle Sean got murdered. Hexes! Cross my fingers. That ain’t gonna happen! I bet I’d probably go straight to the hospital, too. Only he won’t tell me about that. And maybe I don’t need to know how it felt. Only that’s probably why he was so sad when he come here.

  The good thing is, now that me and him kissed the other night and had our talk and saw those pretty men at the movies with their wedding rings, me and Uncle Sean are sure enough buddies. But not boyfriends.

  I’m sad about that. But it scares Uncle Sean, thinking Daddy would blow his brains out if we was to take our clothes off together in the bed. And so, I don’t want Uncle Sean to be scared.

  I guess I’m learning things I never thought about until I started having sweet feelings in my chest for Uncle Sean, like how grownups have to keep secrets. And I’m a grownup, cause I have to keep it secret how Uncle Sean makes me feel.

  I got to mention that, when we was kissing, I had the wet dream, right there in the car, only I didn’t tell Uncle Sean. I can’t, cause that would make him feel guilty.

  Also, I made him a promise. I made myself a promise, too. I won’t have a wet dream with the first boy that comes along. Sometimes it feels so sweet to hurt so bad for something. And I don’t guess hurting sweet-like is so bad. So I hurt bad that me and Uncle Sean can’t be boyfriends. But it’s so sweet to be so full of that kind of hurt.

  Instead, me and Uncle Sean became real buddies. Like I felt like I could show my feelings for him when we are alone, and he can tell me things he was afraid to tell me before. So one day we ran the irrigation pipes up near old man Hill’s stock tank. The sky was almost white it was so hot, like it scalded all the blue out of it. Only there was big boiling clouds off to the west, and the sun was driving hot needles into our skin. So that stock tank got to looking really inviting. The water sparkled and we sweated and finally Uncle Sean just drops his gloves and says come on, we got time for a swim.

  So we just start stripping down, and the next thing I know we’re both standing on the bank of the pond naked, and I pop a boner and Uncle Sean just laughs, only this time I don’t hide it from him. Fact is I kind of want him to see it on me, and just thinking about it makes it ache kind of nice. I noticed he had a bit of a boner too, but he turns away, and I pretend like I don’t see it.

  Then we both dive in and the water’s icy. I got Goosebumps, but soon the water feels nice on my hot skin. So we swam around for awhile, only Uncle Sean keeps his distance, though we’re close enough to talk.

  “Uncle Sean,” I say, finally, cause I been wondering about it. “How do two guys…you know? Do they have wet dreams together if they lay up in bed naked?”

  I saw him smile, though he covers it over with a serious look, and I know two things real clear. First, he sees I’m really dumb, but two, he don’t want me to think he’s laughing at me.

  I was kind of embarrassed at my question and him smiling at it, but I’d asked and I waited to see what he’d tell me.

  He swam over to me and then floats on his back. And I just tread water, then he sinks down and stands up on the bottom. He’s a little taller than me, and so his shoulders were out of the water. But I keep treading water and scissoring my legs, only my boner has gone down since the water’s so cold.

  I was about to ask my question again, but Uncle Sean says, “Will, I don’t think it’s a good idea to tell you about that.”

  “But why not? Uncle Sean, I’m old enough to know. If I ever do meet a boy that wants to be my boyfriend, and we kiss and we like each other, I don’t want him to think I’m dumb.”

  Still, Uncle Sean shook his head. “You are too young, Will. Didn’t you promise yourself you wouldn’t have sex with the first boy that comes along?”

  “I did, and I meant it,” I say, but I don’t tell him I feel red-faced for asking what two boys do, but more because he won’t tell me. “That movie didn’t tell me what to do, though
, so how am I gonna know?”

  Uncle Sean smiles. “You’ll catch on, Will. I promise. If I were to tell you things, it would be like trying to describe how beautiful a sunset is by saying what causes the red in the sky. It would ruin it for you.”

  I still didn’t think so, but he wouldn’t budge.

  ***

  And so, there for awhile, I felt stuck. I weren’t mad at Uncle Sean for not telling me what to do with a boy. I kind of understand. It’s just like he won’t let me smoke none of his home-rolled. Only I don’t think I can wait until I’m twenty-two like he is, specially if my boyfriend is gonna be as pretty as Uncle Sean, only I don’t see how nobody can be as pretty as him.

  ---Editor’s Note---

  This was the end of the writing in the tablet by Will Barnett, and even though he had said he was going to be writing in the Big Chief tablet his Uncle Sean bought for him, he didn’t, as will become clear, later. The letter and the spiral notebook are the only other materials, besides Sean Martin’s dog tags, that were in the barn.

  Part Two

  ———————▼———————

  The Letter

  I have chosen to include the letter as the next document in this unfolding story, even though there is no date on it to verify that it’s in chronological order. The text of the letter, however, indicates that Sean Martin left this letter for Will to find and, as a consequence, I believe, set into motion Will Barnett’s decisions as to his immediate future. There appears to be a two-year gap from the end of the entries in the Big Chief tablet to those of the spiral notebook.