Zhukov's Dogs

by Amanda Cyr

  A chorus of goodnights, the click of a door, and we were alone. Val remained seated on the far side of the table. His jaw locked, and his posture was straight despite the exhaustion in his eyes. He was trying harder than usual to appear cool and collected. It made me smile a little.

  “I was born like this,” I said.

  Val’s reserve faltered, his head tilting slightly. Apparently, those weren’t the words he’d expected to come out of my mouth. “You mean your eyes?”

  I nodded and explained. “It’s a mutation, kind of like having webbed-toes, only not as weird. I’ve been wearing a colored contact lens this entire time.”

  “Why?” Val asked.

  “Not a big fan of the stares and questions I get because of it.” Val might not have seen it as some sort of gigantic confession, but for me, it was as if a weight had lifted off my shoulders. Telling the truth felt better than I expected.

  Val sat quiet for a moment, studying the differences in color. I hoped he was only examining their strangeness and not trying to recall a friend’s mention of a government dog with two-tone eyes. A small smirk from him put me at ease.

  “You don’t have webbed toes, do you?” he asked.

  “No.” I laughed. “How about you?”

  “Ha. I’m a Grey. There’s no way the great Genetic Gods would curse me more than they already have.”

  Our laughter was short-lived then awkwardly faded back into silence. Complete silence. Val’s fingers were still where they were folded against his ribcage. If there was ever a time for him to be on edge, I figured this would be it.

  “You’re not tapping,” I noted.

  Pointing it out earned me a couple quick taps. He shrugged, and his posture stiffened again. “I had some time to get ready for this.”

  “For what?”

  Val hesitated. His fingers rapped then pulled into a closed fist against his side, like he didn’t want me to notice his nervous quirk. With a begrudging smile, he said, “The ‘I’m not into you’ conversation.”

  I gave a short, uneasy laugh and rubbed my hands together to sweep the sweat off them. This was it. I could ride off on Val’s conversation with a casual “yeah” and let that be the end of it. There was just one problem. I didn’t want it to end. I didn’t want to run back to D.C. with Val thinking everything between us was one-sided. I didn’t want to leave him like that. I didn’t want to leave him at all.

  I had almost worked up the nerve to speak when Val beat me to the punch. “Nik, I… I mean I’m fine with ignoring those messages if you are.”

  I was sure he hadn’t meant for it to sound like a challenge, but in my head, his words translated into a loud cry of coward. I was a lot of different things; coward wasn’t one of them. I walked around to the other side of the table with Val’s eyes following me every step of the way. He inched closer to the edge of his seat the closer I got, as though he expected me to be angry, and he was getting ready to run.

  “I don’t want to ignore them,” I said.

  “Huh?” Val stammered as he jumped from his seat. He held onto the back of the chair, half hidden behind it. “Wait, hold on. Are you serious?”

  I chuckled. If only he knew. Even if I told Val everything, who I was and where I’d come from, I doubted he’d understand how serious I was. With only the width of the chair between us, I stopped and said, “I’m serious.”

  “But you’re—”

  “Straight?” I interrupted. I’d heard the same argument from him a few times before now. For a while, it even seemed like a good excuse to ignore what I felt, but not anymore. “Yeah, I thought so, too. Guess that makes you an exception.”

  I’d expected Val to be happy with the news. Instead, he frowned and looked away. He grumbled something to himself, which I couldn’t make out. Val stepped back as I came around the chair. He bumped into the table and folded his arms over his chest, shoulders rolling forward and eyes on the ground between us. I was confused by the way he shut himself off from me.

  “What’s wrong?” I asked.

  “Nik, we… We can’t do this.”

  A chunk of ice scraped down my throat and dropped heavy into my stomach. Was I really getting rejected? Rejected by the person I was risking everything to be with? I was so stunned, so completely speechless; I couldn’t even be as upset as I wanted to be.

  Val didn’t say anything more. The longer he fidgeted in uncomfortable silence, the louder the drums pounded in my head; the more bitter I grew, and the more courageous I became. I stepped closer. Mere inches between us, Val went still. His eyes flicked up to meet mine. They’d grown dark, the color of asphalt slick with rain.

  “Back off,” he said, voice low and threatening.

  I didn’t budge. “No.”

  “You’re making a big mistake, Nik.”

  “I like you.”

  “I’m serious, Nik. This isn’t—”

  “Val!” I seized him by the arms. My patience was strung thin, ready to break. Val’s mouth snapped shut. The muscles in his neck strained as he tried to swallow. I didn’t get it. Why was he pushing me away? After a week of banter, often one-sided, I was finally ready to accept things for what they were. I was finally his.

  It was impossible to tell if my hands shook with ire or Val’s shoulders were quivering with unease. Maybe we were both just as upset. Maybe, but Val was giving me nothing to work with. I had no clue what he was thinking or how I could make us okay.

  I squeezed Val’s arms tighter. His gaze dropped from mine. Never had I been so unappreciated, so shut off by another person. Even if Val didn’t know the truth about me, even if he didn’t realize how much I was willing to give up to be with him, that didn’t give him any excuse to close himself off.

  “Val, talk to me.” I lowered my face to meet his eyes again.

  I waited. Val said nothing.

  Breathing became more difficult the longer I waited for a response I knew would never come. The hold I had on his arms slipped. It was too much, too far beyond what I could deal with after everything I’d been through.

  There was nothing more to say. I’d leave a note on my way out, warning Val about the fall of the city, but I wasn’t going to waste another second on him. I reached past him, grabbed my bag off the table, and headed for the door.

  “Nik,” Val said.

  I shook my head and didn’t look back.

  “Nik,” he repeated, louder this time.

  Forget it. Forget him. Forget everything. Go back to D.C. and back to the way things were before. Before Seattle. Before the revolutionaries. Before Val.

  The ache in my chest would fade. I never should have allowed myself to open up in the first place. I never should have put myself in a position to get hurt. It was all one big, stupid mistake. Dogs like me weren’t supposed to feel.

  A sudden rush of weight struck my back. Arms encircled my chest and nails dug gently into my sides. Val’s head pressed between my shoulders. “Don’t! Don’t go… I’m…”

  His arms tightened. There was enough morphine left in my system that his embrace didn’t hurt. Not physically, at least. I shoved his hands off, shrugged out of his hold, and kept walking.

  When I was halfway to the door, he said, “I’m sorry.”

  Too little. Too late.

  “I meant everything I said in those messages,” Val said, voice growing louder with newfound conviction. He wasn’t tripping over his words anymore. I wondered what sort of determined look was in his eyes, but I refused to turn around and fall victim again.

  “I am not a good person, Nik!”

  I froze, despite better judgment telling me to ignore him. Not even the sound of Val stepping closer got me moving again. I was an idiot, a big idiot who turned around to face him.

  Val stopped in his tracks the second my eyes were on him. He buried his hands in his pockets and didn’t skirt away from my gaze as he had before. For a moment, he hesitated, his uncertainty plain in the way he bit at the inside of his cheek.

&
nbsp; “I’m not a good person… But at least I’m not a liar.”

  “Oh, right. Because you’re Mr. Honesty.”

  Val’s eyes darkened again as they narrowed on me. “No, but I’ve come clean with you.”

  “And I haven’t?”

  “We both know you haven’t!”

  Suddenly, the submissiveness was gone. Val was every bit as upset as I was and not afraid to be loud about it. “I see them, Nik!” he shouted. “I’ve seen every lie, every single vague truth which has come out of your mouth, and like an idiot, I’ve turned a blind eye to most of them! And you know what makes me an even bigger idiot? I still like you! I like you a lot, Nik, but I do not trust you.”

  On one hand, I was terrified by the thought that Val could spot my lies. On the other, I was enthralled by Val’s admission that he liked me. The up and down of emotional turmoil was dizzying. From the way Val gripped the sides of his head and tugged on his hair, I could tell he hated it all, too. I needed him to understand that he could trust me, that out of everyone in the world, nobody was willing to risk more for him than me.

  “Remember what you told me when we were stuck in the cavern, topside?” I began, my temper fading and voice going soft. “You said people like us cause trouble for people who don’t deserve it… Well, here’s a bit of truth from this liar: You’ve caused me a hundred times more trouble than anyone deserves.”

  I couldn’t tell if Val was more confused or hurt by my confession. “What?”

  “I’m supposed to go home.” My body might have been dulled by the sedative in it, keeping my pulse in check, but my mind understood how dangerous this was, which fueled a migraine. What I was about to tell him could get the both of us executed if anyone back east found out. He needed to understand, though. I needed him to understand.

  “I’m under orders to leave this city.”

  “Orders from who? The Bloc doesn’t—”

  I shook my head and stepped forward, scaring Val into silence as I took hold of the sides of his face with my hands. His shoulders went rigid and the breath caught in his lungs. “I’m not with the Bloc.”

  It took Val a second to find his voice again. “Then… Then who are you with?”

  He sounded as afraid to know as I was afraid to tell him. The Y.I.D. I was sent to spy on you and your friends. I’ve been making files on you all, taking pictures, and relaying information to my office in D.C. I just needed to blurt all that out, apologize, and accept the consequences.

  What I chose to do instead shocked both of us. I kissed him.

  Maybe it was the morphine, or maybe it was the kiss. Whatever the cause, I was suddenly—and gloriously—light-headed. His eyes drooped, his brow creased, and his face flushed. Seeing the way his defenses melted away sent me flying over the edge, and I let my eyes slip shut so I could feel every second of it more intensely.

  His lips were chapped and cold, but as soft as any girl’s. The tension I felt in him the moment I pressed against his mouth eased out in a long, pent up sigh. He relaxed. Through my hands, and through his nicotine-sweet lips, he seemed to shed all apprehension. His hands gripped my shirt, pulling me closer and sending adrenaline pumping through my veins. I released the sides of his face without thinking, wrapping both arms around him and pulling our bodies flush. Val’s footing slipped, but the table kept us upright. His mouth pressed harder against mine, hungry, and my chest fluttered, overwhelmed by the desire to never let this moment end.

  I wanted him. Only him. I didn’t want my title, my duties, or anything else the Y.I.D. had to offer. I wanted Val, and I wanted kiss him until he begged for air. But I couldn’t. Not until he knew something.

  I drew back from the kiss. Val whined a small complaint. I struggled to catch my breath and put together words; I was captivated by the ravished expression on Val’s face. Color in his pale cheeks, color I’d put there; abused lips hanging barely agape; and his eyes, such a peculiar gray, focused on mine.

  “I’ll tell you everything.” I rushed the words out, not giving myself time to second-guess them. “I promise I will. Give me some time, though, please… I’m giving up more than you can imagine, and I’m doing it all for you, Val, so let me make sure I can keep you safe first.”

  “Safe from what?”

  From The Council? From the Y.I.D.? No, the answer was much simpler. “From me.”

  “I don’t think you’re all that scary,” Val teased, coaxing a small smile out of me. He returned it and tugged at my shirt. “What can I do? Let me help you.”

  His readiness to accept my word as bond made me feel awful. If he knew the truth, if he knew even a third of what I’d done, I wondered if he’d be as willing. I leaned my head forward and rested it against his.

  “I want you to trust me,” I said. Val opened his mouth, ready to reply, when I cut him off. “And not just because I’m asking you to. I want you to think about it and tell me whether or not you actually trust me.”

  Val hesitated, eyes flicking to the floor. I knew I was asking a lot, given his history and everything I’d told him. I held my breath and waited, seconds dragging on like hours, until Val’s head nodded slowly against mine.

  “Yeah… Yeah, Nik, I trust you,” he said and, for the first time that night, I felt like everything would be all right.

  Val lifted his face, gave my shirt another quick tug, and the next thing I knew, his lips were back on mine.

  The only aggressive partners I’d ever had were in the field. Everything about this was new; everything about it was incredible. Making out with someone who pulled me close, demanding all of my attention with a kiss every bit as soft as it was possessive. As much as I longed to enjoy the moment, let myself drown in desire, throw Val over the table and make him moan, it was too soon to relax. I needed to tell him about The Council’s plan. Now, before I got in any deeper.

  I forced myself to pull back from the kiss a second time. The whine Val made blended with a sigh, and the press of lips along my neck nearly shattered my resolve. Self-restraint had never been so challenging.

  “Oh, don’t tell me you’re having second thoughts now,” he said with a puff of warm breath on my neck.

  I chuckled and gripped his hips tighter, relishing in the small, startled gasp it earned me. “Not a one… There’s just something else I need to tell you.”

  Val needed to know what The Council was planning; it was the whole reason I’d come back in the first place. What I was going to tell him could ruin everything. I hoped it wouldn’t, but I’d already decided I’d rather have him alive and hating me than dead.

  257 Second Avenue East—Seattle, WA

  Wednesday, November 18th—1:15 a.m.

  ait, what? That’s crazy!” Val shouted.

  I was used to furious Val, depressed Val, and other emotional extremes, but hysterical Val was a new one on me. He hung his head and rubbed both hands on the back of his neck. I rushed to his side to comfort him. “Don’t worry,” I said. “We can get everyone out of here before it happens.”

  Val looked at me with a disgusted scowl. Apparently, I’d said something very, very wrong. “Get everyone out? That’s your solution? If they blow those pillars, the entire city gets destroyed. Everything. We need to warn people.”

  “That’ll cause widespread panic. Riots, protests, a real mess,” I pointed out in an even, but firm tone.

  “So? If we don’t warn people, they’ll all be killed.”

  “And if you start a revolution, the Grey Men the S.O.R. send will put a quick end to everyone involved.”

  Val went silent for a moment, but as soon as I reached out to put a hand on his shoulder, he turned and walked away. Rounding the table, he said, “Well, from the sound of it, we’re going to die either way, so we might as well die fighting.”

  We had to be setting some kind of record. We’d been an item for less than ten minutes, and we were already having our first fight.

  “Or,” I stressed the word as I followed him around the table, “You cou
ld leave. Get the others out of here and head south.”

  “And what about everyone else?” he snapped over his shoulder.

  “If you want to save everyone in this city, fine. But we’ll need to do it carefully. No big scenes, no big public rallies or any of that. I’m talking small, door-to-door appeals.”

  “That won’t be enough. We need—”

  I grabbed Val’s shoulder and whipped him around to face me. I was through trying to be patient. I’d given up too much to have him simply run off and get himself killed. “Listen to me. I know what these people are like, Val. The second they catch wind of trouble, they are going to have the Grey Men snuff out the problem at the source. That means you, me, and anyone who even whispers something about the fall.”

  “This is my home! I can’t just let it get destroyed! Don’t you get it? Or are you really so messed up that you—” Val shut his mouth and ran a hand through his hair. He hissed a few swears and apologies, but the damage was already done. His voice calmed. “Nik, I didn’t mean to say that.”

  Val was right; I was messed up. Sometimes, I was so comfortable in my own skin, I forgot how much I’d been conditioned. I was a dog who’d been stripped at an early age of things which weren’t considered necessary, such as empathy. I had to stop and remind myself that Val, damaged as he was, still had those “unnecessary” traits. I’d thought he was selfish for being so eager to make my sacrifice worth nothing. Only now did I realize I was every bit as selfish for asking him to stand by as his city, and everyone in it, was crushed.

  I smiled to myself as it all started to make sense. Unfortunately, my smile seemed to make Val feel worse. He sat back on the table and sighed. “I’m really sorry about what I said just now… But I am not going to leave without a fight.”

  “It’s okay. I get it now.”

  I sat next to him, silent so I could listen to his fingers tapping against the table’s surface. It was strange how they helped me relax—nothing compared to the way I relaxed when his hand rested on mine a second later. I looked over and saw Val staring straight ahead, eyes out of focus and lost somewhere in his head. As I turned my hand over and wound my fingers between his, he sighed out another swear.