All He'll Ever Be

by W Winters

  The pain of being stretched this way for the first time forces me to bite down on the pillow as tears flood and sting my eyes. I can feel him pulse inside of me, growing harder and larger and it’s too much. It’s all too much.

  My body’s on fire, alternated with freezing cold as he moves behind me at a slow, but relentless pace.

  “Carter,” I whimper his name as the overwhelming sensation begs me to move away but then, with just as much need, to push back and take more of him this way.

  My clit rubs against the comforter beneath me and I moan. A single moan of utter pleasure, my body choosing it over the pain. Carter takes it as his cue to pick up his pace, ruthlessly fucking my ass and shoving my body down into the bed with each hard pump.

  “Fuck,” I moan out and he responds with a low groan from deep in his chest.

  My fingers dig into the comforter, my nails scratching along the threads as my head thrashes and I struggle to breathe. Pleasure and pain mix in a cocktail I’m already drunk on.

  He whispers at the shell of my ear, “You’re such a dirty whore for me.” At the same time, he shoves his fingers inside of my pussy and presses his thumb to my clit.

  Holy fuck!

  My mouth hangs open with a silent scream of ecstasy. The pleasure ripples through my body and paralyzes me as he thrusts behind me, pistoning his hips and filling me to the point where it’s nearly too much with both his fingers and his cock. I’ve never felt like this. So full, so hot, so consumed by bliss.

  He fucks me harder once my orgasm begins to wane. He doesn’t stop, not even when he sinks inside of me so deep that I feel like he’ll split me in two. I try to spin around out of instinct and push him away.

  Instantly, Carter stops. Barely keeping himself inside of me, he tells me with a cold gaze, “Keep your hands down.” There’s no desire in his voice, no sense of mercy or love. Nothing but anger that I’ve dared to push him away.

  It’s a shock to my system. Seeing him like that while I feel nothing but desire and love is sobering. An icy gust sweeps through me even as he changes his expression, softening it and gently pushing my shoulders back to the bed.

  “It’s too much,” I whisper and although the pain is gone, the intensity of what we had has vanished.

  “Lie back down,” he commands me in a way that leaves a deep fracture in my heart. I can hear it splinter as I return my cheek to the pillow.

  He doesn’t touch me again; he doesn’t resume fucking me. He doesn’t allow himself to cum.

  Instead, he gets up and moves away from me. I try to keep from crying as the pleasure from my orgasm withers to nothing while he enters the bathroom and flicks on the light.

  I feel alone in this moment, broken and used. Utterly alone. It reminds me of the last time we were together, of him tying me up and not fucking me. Instead he left me after torturing the truth out of me.

  Is that all this was? More torture?

  I stay still as he wipes me down and returns to the bathroom. My chest feels hollow and it’s hard to swallow. Maybe I didn’t lose him tonight. Maybe I lost him that night when I told him I would never forgive him. Maybe I lost him the moment I picked up the gun and I’ve only just now seen it.

  All I know right now is that I feel like I’ve lost him.

  Refusing to cry, I bite the inside of my cheek and listen to him walk back to the bed after turning off the light. The bed creaks as he gets in beside me. He doesn’t crawl under the sheets he laid on top of me, and I don’t move from where I am. I’ll wait for him.

  He loves me. I know he loves me, but why does it feel like he doesn’t at all? Why do I feel like I’m lying to myself?

  “I love you,” I whisper and chance a look at him. The sun has risen and he can’t hide in the darkness. His eyes are tired and his face looks older than it ever has before.

  I watch his throat bob as he lies back in the bed and says nothing. He says nothing.

  More silence. And that’s the last bit I can take.

  Licking my dry lips, I realize his intention was simply to hurt me, at least in that moment I turned around, the moment where it was too much. I’m quick to get up and move away from him, pushing the sheets aside.

  His grip is hot, burning into me as he wraps a strong hand around my hip and pulls me into his hard, chiseled chest.

  “You know I care for you.” He says the words sternly, but he doesn’t look at me. Not at first. The pounding in my chest rises to my throat until his eyes find mine, swirling with pain.

  The chaos warps and twists inside of me. I’m hurting for him, a man who feels betrayed and doesn’t know what to do because every time life has given him a challenger, he’s simply murdered them, yet here I stand.

  But I’m also in pain. For falling for a man so merciless and heartless as Carter.

  “Don’t ever do that again,” I say, barely keeping my voice from breaking. “Don’t ever treat me like I’m nothing to you.”

  “Is that a threat?” he asks, still not looking at me.

  “No. Not a threat, a promise. Carter, look at me.” My voice sharpens and his eyes find mine. “If you ever do that again, I’ll leave you.” It takes everything in me to tell him that, because I know it’s true. And I’m worried it will happen. It feels so close to being inevitable.

  “Do what exactly?” he asks me, daring to play as if he doesn’t know. As if he doesn’t realize how much he’s hurt me tonight.

  “Fuck me just to prove how willing I am for you to have me. Walk by me as if I’m meaningless in your life.” I nearly choke on my last words, remembering how I felt in the foyer. “Treat me like I’m not worth sparing a glance.”

  “First, I wanted you. I fucked you because I wanted you.” His tone is sharp until he adds, “But something… changed.”

  “Something?” I ask him, but he doesn’t answer me. He keeps on speaking as if I hadn’t voiced the question at all.

  “What was it like to hold a gun to my head?” he asks, and his voice is thick with emotion. “Did you think it made me feel like I meant something to you?” He doesn’t hide the pain behind a mask of cold indifference. I can hear him swallow and for the first time, he shows me everything in his expression. I’ve hurt him so deeply and I didn’t even know.

  “Carter, don’t…” I start to say, inching closer to him although he stays perfectly still. “I was just trying to survive,” I say, begging him to understand. “If I could take it back-”

  “You wouldn’t,” he cuts me off, and I know he’s right. Under that circumstance, I wouldn’t allow him to murder my friends and family. It’s fucked up how much that very knowledge guts me. There’s no way for me to make it out of this alive.

  “You were just surviving. Maybe pretending that you mean nothing to me is a way for me to just survive.”

  I’m struck by his confession, and I hate it. I hate the lives we have, and how fate has put us in each other’s path.

  “Please don’t do this, Carter.” My throat is tight as despair claws its way up. “I know we’re broken, but stop this. Don’t do this again. Don’t make it worse.”

  “I can’t make it better,” he rebuts.

  “Tell me you care for me again,” I whisper, getting closer to him and ignoring the pain that still lingers. When I walked back into Carter’s grasp, easily letting him take me back here, I had no idea that we were so broken. How could I have been so fucking foolish to think that loving him was going to fix it all? As if it could put a stop to the war, rewrite the past, and make us invincible for whatever lies ahead.

  He tells me he cares about me after a moment, but then he tells me a truth I hadn’t dared to admit I already knew until he spoke the words. “I wish I didn’t. It would all be easier if I didn’t.”

  Chapter 79

  Carter

  Every time I thrust inside of her, I remembered the confessions she made the other night. How she told me she’d be with Nikolai if I wasn’t in the picture, and how she’ll never forgive me. She meant
them. She still does.

  Being inside of her is heaven, but last night, it was hell. There was no way I could have taken any pleasure in her. Not when all I can think is how she’s going to hate me when this is over. There’s no way I’m going to be able to keep her. It’s fucking impossible.

  A numbness spreads through my hand as I form a fist, letting the cuts split open and feeling the pain rip through my knuckles. Leaning back in my office chair, I clench and unclench my hand again and again, just to feel something else.

  I’ve never wanted to forget so much. To erase the mess I’ve gotten us into. To run away with her and start over.

  It’s a pain I’ve never felt and a position I never considered I’d be in. Because I’ve never felt this way about anyone else. No one else has meant so much to me before. Not even my brothers.

  I don’t know how we’re going to make it out of this together. And I’ve never wanted anything more.

  The long strand of pearls that starts out with small spheres growing in size until they reach the center, stares back at me from its velvet box on the desk. The iridescence shines off the polished pearls, stealing my gaze. They mesmerized me, as did my Aria. Anything that can keep my attention should belong to her.

  I needed to replace her previous necklace with one she could wear forever. This necklace is timeless and even if she leaves me, I pray she’ll keep it forever. I pray that what we had will be endless, even if us being together is only a dream I could dare to return to in my sleep.

  As I hear Aria’s footsteps patter closer to my office right before the door creaks open, I shut the velvet box. Aria’s eyes are still puffy and red from lack of sleep, and her lips are swollen. She grips her sleepshirt with one hand and playfully knocks on the door even though it’s open and our eyes have already met.

  She attempts a smile, but it disappears as quickly as it came. Fuck, it hurts. I want nothing more than for her to be happy. Truly happy with me, with the man I am and will always be.

  “I wasn’t sure if you wanted me to dress,” she barely speaks before adding, “since there weren’t any clothes laid out.”

  I watch her throat as she swallows, and again she balls the thin cotton of her sleepshirt in her hand. She doesn’t wear it in bed, only when she leaves the bedroom. The tension in the air is thick, and it makes my fingers go numb again and prick with anguish.

  “You still want me to?” I ask her and she nods swiftly and without hesitation. I love this submissive side of her, this trusting side. I love that she wants this side of me. Even more, I love that I can so easily give her what she wants.

  “I like it when you do things like that,” she answers.

  With a single nod, I stand up and make my way to the other side of the desk, swallowing down the lump and remembering that I need to be in control at all times. For her, and for the sake of my family and everyone else relying on me. Aria stands where she is, looking lost and insecure.

  I hate it, even though I know I’m the reason for it all. I could easily bring her back into my arms and love her. But it would only end in her hating me, in her breaking me and destroying the last bit of my sanity.

  If it ends this way, slowly, and with a growing chasm between us, it’ll be easier to accept. For both of us.

  “For you,” I say and hold out the black box for her to take, and only then does she step forward. As the box creaks open, I move the chair to face her and take a seat, explaining as my back hits the smooth leather, “It’s your birthday gift.”

  She forces a small smile to her lips, but the sadness lingers there. “It’s beautiful,” she says, although she doesn’t look at me. “What happened to my other… necklace?” Instinctively, her hand reaches for her collar, to the place where the diamonds and pearls used to lay.

  “It’s where you left it,” I tell her and then glance at the box, still pushed against the wall but not lined up exactly with where it normally goes. I don’t want it to go back to where it was. I want to remember. I have to remember. My gut churns at the memory of how I felt, sitting in this very chair, while she locked herself in that box. I’m sickened by all the hate and anger I had, but more than that, the realization that what I wanted would never be.

  “Are we okay?” Aria’s gentle question, laced with both want and fear, brings my attention to her gorgeous face.

  “I don’t know that we’ll ever be okay.” My answer is instant and calmly spoken as if it’s a certainty. “But that doesn’t make you any less mine.”

  “I don’t know what I can do, Carter.” Aria’s voice is wretched as she stares at the pearls, her fingertips barely skimming along each one. “I want to make this right.”

  “This was never going to be right, Aria. It wasn’t right what I did, and what I’m going to do… it’s not right to you.” I don’t like the way my words come out. As if I’m letting her go, because I’m not. I won’t be the one to break things off, but I know she’ll leave me.

  It’s inevitable.

  “You don’t get to decide what’s right for me.” Her answer is sharp, that defiance I love slicing through the painful truth even she can’t deny: We were never meant to be.

  “You’re still angry at me, aren’t you? For grabbing the gun.” Her voice wavers as she adds, “I’m sorry, Carter.” Her words are rushed and she barely breathes as she takes a single step toward me, closing the space until I reach out to take her waist in my hands. I could pull her into my lap, but I don’t. I keep her right where she is, at arm’s length.

  “I know you are,” I tell her solemnly.

  “Does this mean you don’t forgive me?” The pain isn’t hidden in the least. Not in her words, or the way her hands hold on to mine, not in the shades of amber and jade in her eyes.

  “It’s not about forgiveness, Aria. I understand why. I respect it, even. But it would happen again. You would do it again.” I speak to her without reservations. She’ll come to the same realization I have. She will, even if it hurts her with the same pain it does me.

  “You’re the one who put me here. Who put me right in the middle, Carter. You could lock me in the cell, and then I wouldn’t be in the way.” She pleads with me, wanting me to take away her freedom and the woman she was always meant to be just so I can have her.

  “You’re the one who wanted out of your cage to fly away. Isn’t that right?” I know it doesn’t change anything. Giving her freedom only to be disappointed with what she does with it, doesn’t change a damn thing between us.

  “You’re the one who didn’t clip my wings,” she says and the hazel concoction in her eyes begs me to fall for her. To give in and simply love her. They don’t know it, just as she doesn’t. I already do. I love her with everything in me. But this is all I can offer her. I’m already giving her everything I have. “You let me find you. You gave me that choice… I know you must’ve,” she tells me and I don’t deny it.

  “To clip your wings… to keep you out of it all… that would have been the greatest of crimes, my songbird.”

  Chapter 80

  Aria

  I haven’t left the hideaway room in … I don’t know how long.

  The pearls are still on my pillow, where I left them. Both the strand of pearls Carter gave me this morning, and the loose pearls and diamonds I retrieved from the box in his office. He left me standing there, knowing we were broken beyond repair. And I did my best to clean it up. Picking up the evidence of my broken collar all while hot tears slid down my cheeks and fell into the box where I lay only a week ago.

  I know the pain of a love being over. It’s an undeniable feeling that stretches out slowly through each limb and finger. It’s numbing, yet unforgivingly sharp.

  My chest heaved with each sob until I fell to the floor.

  Love isn’t enough, and that’s the worst thing in the whole world. Love is supposed to conquer all. It’s supposed to persevere. Instead all it’s done is caused us both unbearable pain. A pain I would do anything not to feel ever again.

&n
bsp; I’ve lain in the makeshift bed, a pile of pillows on top of the plush rug, warring with myself. I’ve thought every possible situation through. Ranging from walking into the cell willingly and locking it behind me until it’s all over, to telling Carter I’d kill my father and Nikolai with my own two hands.

  And I hate the woman in each scenario. I despise her. And I also know I would never be able to live with myself. I would simply be waiting until the day I died. Living each moment with a resentment toward Carter that I don’t think I could hide.

  Fate is cruel, and this world is colder than I ever imagined.

  My body is sore and it takes a moment when I stand up to begin to move. I haven’t had anything to drink or eat in … I don’t know how long. I’m dizzy and there’s a pounding in my temple that won’t quit.

  I move slowly to the kitchen, listening to my bare feet pad softly on the floor and breathing in and out as deeply as I can. A cup of coffee is what I’m after, a piping hot cup that’s mostly sugar and cream. I only need the coffee for the caffeine. But what I get are the sounds of Addison and Daniel carrying from the kitchen to the hallway.

  I stop just outside the doorway, listening to Addison tell Daniel how she’ll never leave him again.

  “You promise?” Daniel’s voice is soothing and there’s a smile that’s hidden in his voice; I can see in my mind the exact smile that would play at his lips.

  “I don’t want to run away anymore.” Addison’s voice is nothing but sincere. “Nothing will come between us, Daniel. If we can make it through that…”

  My cheek rests on the outside of the doorway as I listen to them, feeling the love between them that’s always been there.

  I can’t help but feel a pang of jealousy and to wish it were that easy for Carter and me.