All He'll Ever Be

by W Winters

  She lets out a steadying breath and shakes her head gently. “I’ve been dreaming of him since we came back. It’s the same dream, Aria.”

  I remember a dream that’s come and gone since I first got here. Since the first week I was locked in the cell in this place, but it’s not what she describes.

  “Tyler keeps telling me to remind you. Hold him tight. Don’t let go… or else he’ll die.”

  In the depths of my being, I know Carter needs someone to love him and someone he can love in return. He’s a man in pain, a beast trapped in a castle of his own making. I’m just not convinced that I can be that woman.

  Or that he’ll let me close enough to be that woman.

  “I know,” I tell her truthfully. “But it’s not all up to me.”

  “Try,” she begs me. “Please, just try to hold on to him.”

  I swallow my heart, which has traveled all the way up to my throat, and only nod. She has no idea how much I wish I could.

  Chapter 83

  Carter

  Last night she stayed in her room. The one I’m not supposed to go in. I sat by the door and listened to her cry softly. I don’t know how much more of this I can take.

  My thumb taps on the desk as I stare at the box. She fixed it. She did it. Not me. She didn’t ask, and she doesn’t know what it does to me. Part of me wants to rip it out. The other part is hoping it means something. Something beyond what I’m capable of controlling.

  Knock, knock. The gentle rap at the door disturbs my thoughts. It’s early. I’ve already met with Aden and Jase. We know where every enemy and ally is, and what they’re planning. There’s nothing to do but wait for Romano to lay Talvery to rest. He’ll lose men doing it, but my side has lost enough. And I informed him of exactly that. His options are limited.

  Knock, knock. She knocks again and I have to clear my throat, feeling the roughness at the back as I straighten in my chair and call for her to come in.

  The door opens slowly, revealing Aria to me with sleep still in her eyes. Her hair flows down her bare back in waves, and the only thing she’s wearing is a thin, black silk nightie with the white pearls draped down her breasts. My cock instantly hardens as she takes a single careful step in, quietly walking on the balls of her feet until she turns and shuts the door with her back to me.

  “You look… breathtaking,” I say, the words falling from my lips.

  Her head turns first, bringing with it the sway of her hips, the gentle swing of her hair around her shoulders and those beautiful eyes that toy with my emotions. Her lips tip up, pulling into a feminine smile as a blush rises up her chest and climbs all the way to her temple. With her head tilted down, she peeks up at me through her lashes, brushing a stray lock from her face and murmurs, “That seems fitting … since you leave me breathless.”

  She takes deliberate but slow steps, so I know right where she’s headed as she rounds the desk. I don’t know why I turn off the monitors, shut my laptop and scoot the chair back, spreading my legs so she can easily climb into my lap. As she adjusts, her small hand slips to my groin and a muffled groan escapes my throat, rumbling my chest. Aria’s eyes light with a playfulness, but also so much more. Her eyes always give me more than I deserve.

  “I miss you,” she whispers as her ass presses against my cock and she lies heavily against my chest. Her hair tickles my neck until she rests her cheek on my shoulder, and lazily presses a small kiss to my throat.

  I have a small moment, a split second where I wonder if this is real or a dream. The tension is gone; the thoughts of what will come don’t exist in this moment. She simply wants me, and I her. As her nails gently run down my throat, playing among the overgrown stubble, she swallows thickly and I have to wonder if the same thought has hit her as I see pain grow in her expression in the reflection on the black monitor in front of me.

  “I didn’t think you would come to me,” I tell her quietly, and pluck at one of the pearls of her necklace, rolling it between my thumb and forefinger. She nuzzles against my shoulder and whispers in a sultry voice, “I thought you knew me better than that, Mr. Cross.” The rough chuckle I give her in return shakes my chest, and along with it, her. Her breasts press against my chest, and I feel her nipples harden from the slight movement.

  “I love you,” she whispers and kisses my neck again, softer this time, leaving a touch of wetness behind. “There’s nothing that could stop me from loving you. I tried. I can’t stop,” she tells me softly, lifting her head to look me in the eyes.

  Instead of answering her, I cup her pussy in my lap, pressing my fingers against the thin silk that separates my hand from her hot entrance. She’s damp immediately. Wet and hot for me.

  As she reaches up to hold on to my shoulders instinctively, I maneuver my fingers around the fabric and press them inside of her. Her back arches and her breasts come closer to my face. I bend down just enough to gently nip the hardened peak of one nipple through the thin fabric, leaving a mark on her nightie.

  She squeals in my embrace, jolting slightly, but she doesn’t let go of me, she only clings tighter, her nails pressing deeper into my skin through the dress shirt.

  “I want you,” I breathe against her slender neck as I thrust my fingers in and out of her, moving some of the wetness up and down her cunt and then to her backside, around her tight hole. I need to make the other night right and fuck her there the way she needs.

  “I love you,” she tells me again in a strangled moan as I unzip my pants and reposition her to straddle me.

  Again I don’t say it back, and instead I crash my lips to hers, pressing them as deeply as I can as I shove my dick inside of her as swiftly as possible. With both of my hands on her shoulders, my forearms supporting her back, I slam her down, forcing her to scream into my kiss with an ecstasy I love to give her.

  This I can give her. As much as she needs.

  She’s so fucking tight. Feeling her squeeze my cock with every thrust is something I don’t deserve.

  Her nails dig into my shoulders and she moans with each upward thrust. The soft sounds are short and come in muted gasps, urging me to push her higher and higher.

  The air is hot but my skin is hotter as I feel her tighten around me. I’m close, but I don’t want to get off. I don’t want to take from her any more than I already have.

  I can’t breathe as I pound into her with a primal need to force the pleasure to rip through her, but she doesn’t let go. She isn’t breathing either as her head lolls back, her teeth digging into her bottom lip.

  She’s watching me as I watch her. With each slam of my hips I want to see her light up with unrelenting pleasure, but she shakes her head gently, barely able to speak as she whispers, “Not without you.”

  My grip on the flesh of her hip tightens, the threat of her holding back enraging a side of me. A part of my soul buried deep inside that wants nothing more than to give her everything.

  With the back of my arm sweeping across the desk, I clear a spot for her, letting everything else crash to the floor so I can move her to lay flat on the desk. The laptop stays to one side, but the phone, the papers and journal with all the numbers, my cell—all that shit clatters to the floor. Her ass is hanging off the desk and my cock is still buried deep inside of her.

  I’ll make her cum. She won’t refuse me.

  I take a second, only a single fucking second to wrap her leg higher around my hip so I have the perfect angle to slam myself deep inside of her until she can’t hold on any longer. So she’ll shatter beneath me like I need her to. But in that second, her eyes widen and she reaches for me, her hand grabbing my shirt and fisting it as she leans up, her shoulders lifting off the desk. As she swallows, I see the plea in her eyes, and how tense her neck becomes.

  “Please,” she begs me as I hammer myself inside of her, forcing her head to be thrown back as her neck and back both threaten to arch. Even with my ruthless pace, she screams out for me to cum with her, to fall from the highest high and get lost in pie
ces beneath the world and the reality that plagues us.

  “Carter,” she moans my name and I cave. I pick up my pace and feel the tingle at the base of my spine. My toes curl and I let them.

  As much as I know this won’t last, I can’t deny her. I won’t do it. I love her too much, and that will be my downfall.

  Chapter 84

  Aria

  It’s a mix of him not saying he loves me, even though I know he does, and the way he leaves me after sex.

  He left me panting and reeling on his desk, my nightgown torn and the pearls wrapped around me so tightly, I felt like they were holding me down. I was a mess, destroyed by him. And he left to clean up, taking his time without me to gather up his own pieces. Every second felt raw. Every moment another bit of reality intruded on the moment.

  It reminds me of the time we had in his bathroom when I realized I’d missed my birthday and never went to see my mother. It feels like so long ago when we fought and fucked on the tiled floor. And when he stood, with his back to me and the look of regret clearly written on his face… I’ll never forget the way it felt. And that’s exactly what it feels like now.

  Hold on to him, a voice whispers as the emotions try to strangle my throat. Hold on to him.

  “I’m trying,” I whisper.

  “What?” Carter asks and I swallow the dry words, propping myself up on his desk even though I can feel moisture between my legs. I have to wad up the bottom of the nightgown, the bit that should cover my legs, and press it against myself to keep from making a mess. Carter only comes to help me down then. And only to help me down. The moment the balls of my feet hit the hardwood floors, he lets go of me.

  I need someone to hold me too. My voice is weak as I answer him, “Nothing.” The moment is broken and I feel it inside of me. The sharp edges of it dig into my chest and let the real world find its way back into my head.

  Carter’s gaze is like fire, burning into the side of my face as I turn away from him, the way he did to me just a moment ago.

  “I need to go change.” I offer up the excuse and then hate myself for it. I hate that I can pretend in the least that I’m all right.

  My hair tickles my upper back as I turn to stare back at the man I love, the man whose love will kill me. With a shiver running down my shoulders and the coolness of his office replacing the much-needed heat I felt a minute ago, I tell him the truth. “It feels like you regret it almost every time you touch me now.”

  I have to swallow thickly after letting the words out. It is almost every time, isn’t it? Each time since the safe house… he never came, not until now.

  It’s a slow change in his expression, as the slight concern morphs to indifference. To the mask he always wears. “Do you regret this?” I ask him. Before he can even answer, I push out more of the raw truth, saying, “I don’t want to feel like this afterward. I don’t want to feel…” I trail off as my hand reaches up to my chest and my fingers tangle around the strand of pearls, not knowing what the words are that accurately portray what I feel.

  I feel like I lose him more and more when he does this after. But when I’m with him, truly with him, I’m whole. “I want you back.” I whisper the words in a ragged voice drenched in despair.

  “This isn’t going to last.” Those are the only words Carter gives me, but his expression says more. His steady gaze belies the hollow depths of his pain. Looking closer, the softness around his eyes shows just how tired he is, how vulnerable, even.

  It’s only then that tears prick, but still, I hold them back. Sorrow will do nothing for us. It only eats at the precious time we have left.

  “Stop.” I can only give him a single word before I have to take a steadying breath. I can feel myself breaking, but I won’t. He must see it, but he doesn’t come to me. He doesn’t try to comfort me and I have to reach behind me, gripping the edge of the desk to brace myself.

  “You said it yourself.” Carter starts to give my own words back to me, and I have to look away from him, staring at the massive windows although I don’t see anything at all. “You said you’d never forgive me, and we both know it’s the truth and what I deserve.”

  With my fingers wrapping tight around the pearls, I speak calmly and aimlessly, “Such a reasonable gesture then, to pull away from me and not fight for me.” On the last word, I turn to look at him. “Just end it then, send me back?”

  Although it’s a false threat, a cold chill creeps up my body. It slows everything—my breath, my pulse.

  A tic in Carter’s jaw starts to spasm as he turns away from me, leaning his hips against the desk and bracing himself on it as I am to look out toward the windows with me.

  “The moment I heard your voice, I knew once I had you, I’d never let you go.” His voice is low and full of solace. Inside I’m reeling with the ticking time bomb of the truth he doesn’t know.

  “Which moment?” I ask him.

  I can’t look at him, knowing what’s about to spill from my lips. The revelation that could change everything. If ever there was a time to confess what I’ve been hiding, it’s now, when there’s nothing left to hold us together.

  “When your father let me go. He let me live, and it’s only because you called out.”

  “It wasn’t me,” I blurt out, and the words are dead on my lips, completely at odds with the emotion in his. I have to clear my throat and repeat my words when he says nothing at all. “I never knocked at the door. It wasn’t me.”

  “I heard your voice,” Carter starts to speak and even takes a half step closer to me, but I cut him off, and stare into his eyes as I confess.

  “It wasn’t me. I never went to that side of the house.” My head shakes as my voice goes hoarse and I have to pause and swallow. My mother died on the floor directly above where my father worked. I never wanted to go back to that side of the house ever again after it happened. “I would have never told my father I needed him. I would have never interrupted his work.” My heart clenches with unbearable pain at the look in Carter’s eyes. “More than that, my father wouldn’t have stopped what he was doing for me,” I tell him a truth that causes the small part of me that still craves more love from my father to twist in pain. “It wasn’t me you heard.”

  “You’re lying,” Carter speaks but there’s no conviction.

  ”You know I don’t need to lie to you.” With a deep breath in and then a desperate one out, I tell him, “I love you, but if you only want me here because you wanted the girl who saved your life,” bastard tears gather in my eyes but I refuse to let them fall as I swallow and continue, “if you only wanted some girl you’ve dreamed about…”

  I can’t continue as Carter’s eyes narrow at me and his grip tightens on the desk behind him.

  “I didn’t want to tell you because I thought if you knew, you wouldn’t want me anymore.” A single tear falls, and I ignore it. “If you only wanted me because of that night, because you thought it was me, then let me leave.” When I lick my dry lips, I taste the salt of more tears. Tears I refuse to acknowledge.

  “It was never supposed to be me,” I whisper as I wipe under my burning eyes and gaze at the bookshelf behind him. His own gaze is unreadable and unforgiving; the mask has slipped back into place.

  “I don’t believe you,” he says and Carter’s voice is low and threatening. With the cold air settling against my bare skin, I feel more exposed in this moment than I have in so long. “I know your voice. It was you.”

  My heart flickers as Carter moves a half step closer, his gaze sizing me up like when I was first in the cell.

  “I’m not lying, Carter. It was never supposed to be me.”

  “I just don’t know why you’re lying.” Carter continues as if I haven’t exposed a truth that ruins everything he thought about me, every piece he both hated and loved before he even saw me.

  “Stop calling me a liar.” A small flame ignites inside of me as he stalks closer, invading my space and towering over me. My voice is firm, bordering on hard.
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  I can feel my eyes narrowing on his as he approaches so close I can feel the heat from his skin. The flames lick between us as he smirks at me, letting his gaze roam up and down my body.

  “What did you think telling me that would accomplish?” he questions me. It’s a fucking interrogation.

  Rage burns in my blood. I have to quickly take in a deep breath to keep from snapping.

  “I wanted to share something with you that would change things. Something that would sway the position you hold on how we’ve always been enemies and-”

  He cuts me off and rebuts in a casual tone, “But our families have always been enemies.”

  His gaze is ever assessing. I’m the enemy in this moment. I’m a liar in his eyes.

  “You’re a fool to think I’d lie to you.” My response comes with more pain than I imagined it would.

  The smile that graces his lips doesn’t hide his hurt. “Am I?”

  “I’m not a liar.” My hands clench at my sides and the emotions that crept up before crash into me suddenly, like rough waves at the shore. “And this was a mistake.” I don’t know if I mean telling him he’s mistaken, not running when I could… or falling in love with him to begin with. Maybe all of it.

  “It was all a mistake,” I whisper to myself before looking back at Carter. At a version of him that’s guarded and impenetrable while all I am is vulnerable to him. “I know that now.” The realization is sobering.

  I meet his gaze as I tell him, “I’m not who you think I am. I’m Aria Talvery and this was never supposed to happen.”

  With one of his palms braced on the desk, he lowers his gaze until we’re eye to eye and his lips are close to mine. So close, and that side of me that wants nothing more than his affection begs me to take them with my own and silence whatever words he dares to speak. But I don’t.