Some Love, Some Pain, Sometime

by J. California Cooper

  Audrey stayed there, like that, for two days, until Sunday. Then she slowly and sadly picked up her bags, said good-by to the apartment where I guess she had been happy, and left. “I’m goin home anyway! This ain’t my life no more. Never was a life! I’m sick of bein a got-damned fool!” She went home on a bus.

  She went straight to her sister’s and heard all the excuses about Audrey’s house not bein kept up and the fact that I didn’t send her sister all the money I collected. Well, I didn’t. I gave it to her son, Woody who gave it to his father-in-law who was the one kept his two kids since his wife was gone. Now! Audrey patted her $8000 she had put in her brassiere. She did not mention it to her sister. Wants and needs were everywhere. She looked at her sister’s man who was a gambler. A big ole dumb thing with no manners, no money and no job. She started to think, “He sure ain’t nothin!” Then she thought of herself and her men. “Well, at least Louis was clean and worked. A liar and a thief ain’t all that come in a package. The best liars don’t show it at all.”

  She was anxious to see her son. Didn’t nobody know exactly where he was since him and his wife broke up, but I knew Woody went to see his kids three or four times a week. Her sister said, “Sure was glad they granddaddy took em in cause I didn’t have no place for em.” Audrey found out where the grandfather lived, then decided to sleep one night and go over there. She slept in her clothes on a broken couch, using her suitcase for a pillow so she could keep her hands on all her valuables. She planned to come to my house after that night.

  The next morning she went to find her grandchildren. “I’m late, but they still my grandchildren. If I help anybody now, it will be them. I think.” She carried her bag with her.

  Her sister asked, “You taken your bag with you?”

  “Yes, I might find a room.”

  “What’s wrong with you stayin here? I could use the rent money!!”

  “I’ll see what happens. I don’t want to bother you all.”

  “Won’t bother us none. You can help with the food cause we broke for a minute. I’m your sister. You know I ain’t gonna let you down.”

  “We’ll see,” Audrey said over her shoulder as she walked out the door carrying her bag.

  Her sister followed her, “Well, don’t give somebody else your money. I can sure use it. We done hit a bad luck streak. What’s in that bag you got to carry it with you?”

  Audrey stopped, turned around, “Nothin. Just everything I got to show for ten years’ livin. Just nothin.”

  Her sister backed into her house, “Go on then. It be bout seven blocks. Bett’a try to eat over there, cause, you know … See you later.”

  Audrey was the most lonely, saddest, forlorn, miserable woman you have ever seen. She walked, leaning to one side with the weight of the suitcase. Her little worn feet in the cheap shoes she had bought, savin money for her dream. One of em had split down the back of the heel durin her travelin. Her little cheap coat from the secondhand store had an uneven hem and bits of the lining hung down below the imitation wool or whatever. She hadn’t bought anything new for herself cause she thought she was savin for the “Dream.” She thought she was holdin her head up, but it was hangin down and the tear-shaped eyes looked ahead of her with no joy, no hope, and as far as she could see … no future.

  She walked all the way, passin her own old home. She stopped in front of it, sat her suitcase down, just staring at the house. The house need work. The TLC kind of work. All she could say was, “Wardel dead. House dyin. I’m dyin.” It was getting real hard to breathe. She whispered, “Well, house, I’m home. I got a little money. Well get you fixed up.” She picked up the suitcase and kept on walkin on her way.

  Audrey came to a big, old two-storied house. Had a little storefront to what would have been a basement otherwise and the huge backyard was full of all kinds of things that looked like junk. She walked slowly up to the steps. “Poor kids. Poor everybody. Poor me.” She took a deep breath and struggled up them steps with that suitcase. She would have laughed had she not been so tired, so disgusted with life. “Here I am worryin over a suitcase cause it has a fur and a few diamonds in it. Probly ain’t worth nothin. But they one of the reasons I’m in this place in life. I can’t let em go now! I paid too much for em!” She reached the top of the stairs. “I ain’t gonna let me go no more either!”

  She was startin to ring the bell when she heard a child screaming inside the house. She rang. She heard somebody crying and a voice shouting, “You are gonna eat that cereal, NOW! You better!” Then the door opened. A slender, graying, older man stood there in a apron. His face all frowned up, but his eyes bright. “Yes, mam! What can I do for you?”

  “Good mornin. I came to see the kids.”

  “What kids? Whose kids? Who are you?”

  “My son’s kids. Woody’s children.”

  “That your son? Well, you ain’t got much! And I can’t say nothin cause I ain’t got much either! He married my daughter and she gone too! Come on in. What’s that you got there? Here, let me help you. Come on in, I told you. Have some cereal with us. If these your grandchildren, see can you make em eat!”

  Audrey walked in slowly, followin the man carryin her bag. He was medium height, slim, but kinda solid and strong. Caramel-colored. Needed a shave or had a beard of mingled gray and black hair. Was slightly bald in front or his hair just grew far back from his face. Medium full pretty lips and a nose with a flat bridge. Then, his eyes. His eyes were golden brown, large, soft and warm. Audrey smiled her hesitant smile and turned to look at her grandchildren.

  They were not dressed so neatly and there were a few little holes in their T-shirts, pants and rompers, but they were clean. Their little stomachs were plump and round, filled with food. Their mouths were smiling and their eyes were bright.

  “EAT.” Audrey almost jumped as the man strode past her, dropping the suitcase. The children didn’t jump, they were used to him. They were staring, smiling at Audrey. Audrey’s heart smiled back.

  “They’re gonna eat, sir.” Audrey smiled and took her coat off, throwin it over a chair. He took it and hung it in the hall on a coat hook. “You’re gonna eat, aren’t you?” She began to feed them and they began to eat, still lookin up at her in wonder.

  Later, over coffee, they talked. It seems Woody and Burgess’ daughter, Alma, had separated. Woody came over pretty often, bringin a few dollars.

  “I don’t know what we did wrong, but my daughter don’t seem to want to do nothin but live in them bars. And Woody is right in there with her, but he does work. I don’t know what she does. I’m scared to think about it. Anyway, these my grandchildren and I got tired of seeing em left here and there and everywhere, so I went and got em and brought em on home with me. I got this big, ole empty house. Used to be a home. Now, it’s a home again. I just hope I live, God willin, til they can do for themselves … or their mama and papa grow up and get some sense. I told my daughter, ‘Don’t bring nare another one, cause I can’t take it!’ I’m stretching every which way I can, and, thank God, we makin it.”

  Audrey shook her head, sadly. “Where is your wife?”

  “My wife is dead. About eight years now. This would have made her happy, to have her grandchildren around, but her daughter would have made her sad. Soooo..… But where you been?”

  Audrey sat back in her chair, folded her hands in her lap, smiled at Burgess and said, “I been tryin.”

  “Tryin to what?”

  “Tryin to live. To survive. To be … happy. To breathe.”

  Burgess smiled, “Well, you look alright. Little peaked … and sad. Like you ain’t been winnin in the game of life.” He reached for more coffee. “But, hell, almost the whole world looks like that.”

  Audrey smiled weakly. “I’m gettin out the game of life.”

  “Where you goin? Got to stay in the game! Game won’t let you quit!”

  “Well, I’m goin to try to help my son and my grandchildren now, with their lives.” Her voice became almost unbe
arably sad. “I’m old.”

  Burgess laughed. “You ain’t old! You just tired, is all.” He looked around the kitchen. “I could use some help around here. These kids need a mother’s touch.”

  Audrey’s eyes were pleadin and grateful, chile. Her smile went deeper.

  He continued, “Where you livin?”

  “I’m goin to my friend’s house (That’s me!) and then I got to find a place while I get my own place fixed up.”

  “Your friend a man?”

  “A woman friend.”

  “Stay here! This is a big house. I got rooms I don’t never go in, don’t need.”

  “I could rent one while I fix my house up. Then I could be around the babies. I want to be round my grandchildren. I … missed a big part of Woody’s growin up. It’s probly my fault he don’t know how to have a real family … a real home.”

  Burgess shook his head slowly. “My wife and I stayed together, made a real home for my daughter and she still don’t know how to make a real home for her kids. Don’t nobody know where to put the blame. And you don’t need to rent a room nowhere, you can HAVE one of mine. You can use the money you were goin to spend on rent, for food. I make enough to keep things goin. Fact is, I’m sposed to be on a job right now.”

  Audrey sighed and asked, “What kind of work you do?”

  “I do a little carpenterin, lay carpet and fix appliances round the house. Got a little junk in my yard I fix up and sell sometime tween my other jobs.” He smiled. “I’m good! Just ain’t gonna work no regular job, cause I got my grandbabies and I want to know they are taken care of. I don’t want no liars, thieves, whores and dope addicts nor unwed mothers and fathers in my family if I can help it. So I try to monitor everything I can where they’re concerned.”

  Audrey frowned, her nerves jumped at what he said, but what he said was what she wanted for her grandchildren too. She said, “Well, I got a job for you. You can fix up my house. It needs a lot. I’ll help with everything and live here til I can move into my own house. I can try to do a better job on my grandchildren than I did on my own child. And I got in my mind a little dream left. I always wanted a store. A little grocery store.

  “With appliances for sell in it! Good! We’re off to a good start!”

  And they were. He never tried to have sex with her. All Audrey did was work in that house and yard and love her grandchildren. She still had that bewildered look about her, but we talked sometimes and I told her I thought she was doin somethin real and decent with her life now. I said, “Audrey, all most of your life you ain’t never just sat down and thought about what you really wanted for yourself. You just took things that came up. You’ve done a few things that came out right, but you sure have done some things that have left you nothing to show for your life but pain. You got some years left, I blive, you got to be more careful with yourself. Don’t get no older and still be confused about life. You ain’t got time.” She listened to me cause she knew I cared about her.

  Several months later, Audrey’s house was finished. Burgess’ yard and storefront was cleaned up and neat. Audrey laughed more, fattened up a little, got to wear her diamonds and fur cause Burgess took her out on the town to hear jazz sometimes, or some wonderful blues singer. She began to have a life. I was glad to have my little friend back and see her doin so well.

  Now … I had always known Burgess. He had always been married and a snotty little man that tended to his business. He wasn’t loose with his love or time. But I noticed as time passed he was pattin, or huggin, or reachin out to help Audrey. And lots of love was surroundin them grandkids of theirs, so I knew some of it had to spill over on them grandparents.

  One night they finished up the work at Audrey’s house and they lit the fireplace and sat down on the floor drinkin a little warm beer and talking. This was just fore she was goin to move into her own house. Now, Audrey was doin better, but her heart was still sad. This a little woman who never had had no real love. And EVERYBODY knows how most EVERYBODY feel bout this love business. Ain’t that true?! Give me a ‘Amen.’ I’m old now for sure, and don’t want nobody, but I stillllll miss love.

  Anyway, they was talkin and it sounded to Audrey like he was tryin to say somethin special to her. Like he wanted her to stay with him. She took a sip of her beer, tilted her head and said, “Burge, there are some things I have not told you about me.”

  He took a drink of his beer and said, “I know that.”

  She took another sip. “I … I been … a … a prostitute.”

  He leaned back on his elbows. “I know that.”

  She turned to look at him.

  He went on, “I always knew that from when you first came home. But, now, I know you. All that in your past is your business. If I had thought you was no good, I wouldn’t let you stay round them children. Their life is more important to me. For whatever reason you did anything, you didn’t become a prostitute because you liked it, did you? Or cause you was born to be one or nothing else I can think of, did you? Maybe you was stupid for a minute. Lots of people get that way sometime. But I blive you are what you were in the beginnin and the way you are now. I don’t blive I’d ever want to get married again, but … maybe I will. And you feel the same way bout OUR grandchildren as I do. They need a family. We are a family. Sooooo … I never thought I’d have a virgin anyway. I married mine and … she gone.” His voice faded on out. Then, he asked, “Did you do EVERYTHING or … ANYTHING for money?”

  Audrey whispered, barely breathing, soft as the sound of the flames in the fireplace, “No. I did some, but I wouldn’t, couldn’t do anything and everything. I just thought I was makin a dream. I didn’t know I was spendin one. And my son too. Lost him.”

  Audrey cried softly. Til the flames burned low. Burgess let her.

  Then … later … she cried in his arms, still sittin front of that fireplace. And that was that. Audrey still had trouble breathin, but only a little trouble breathin after that night cause her life was better than it had ever been. But she was scared bout her needless past keepin her from a future.

  One thing Audrey told me when we was alone one day. “I don’t think Burgess gonna marry me. I’m shamed of what I did to myself and to my son. I don’t think I want to use this body again. I don’t blive I will ever have sex again. It ain’t never brought me no real joy in my life.”

  I told her, “Listen here, woman. That thing ain’t sick. Ain’t scared of the dark. Didn’t tear or break. It done gone through everything you put it through. And that thing is still lookin for a home. This here is a different kind of man, Burgess is. You done took the two wrong ones. Where is your good sense? Ain’t you ever gonna do somethin RIGHT for yourself? At your age? You don’t think you can love Burgess, don’t marry him. But if you think you love him … you better jump up on your horse, try to get Burgess and head for the sunset, cause its sunsettin time in your life.”

  Today? Well, they done all moved into her house. Then they fixed his house up and rented all the rooms out, doing real good. They fixed that storefront up and Audrey got her grocery store and Burgess got “a few household appliances” in it too. The children got a home. Woody comin over more and more to help raise his own kids. Audrey’s face still looks a little scared sometimes when I catch her lookin off into space. But with all the love surroundin her, she been breathin real strong and steady. I blive she got the kind of future she wants now. At last, she did it all for herself. And them kids, too!

  And I got to go, cause I likes goin over there to help. You know they my family too. We done made us a family, chile! Burgess got plenty old friends. Some of em is single and lonely … like me. I look good and healthy. Took care of myself. I see em smilin at me! One of em makes my breathin feel kinda funny too. I loved my mama and I ain’t sorry I spent the most part of my life carin for her. That was MY choice, my life. But if I was to have somebody, get some love, I’d be mighty happy more. It ain’t never too late. You see Audrey gettin her own life now. Long as you’re breathin
g, chile. So, I’m busy. Gettin some more of mine. So … Bye now.

  The Way It Is

  Now there is one thing I am sure about in life and that is you can’t be sure of nothing. That’s just the way it is. I am sure about something else too … and that is I am sure I don’t want to do nothin but what I WANT to do. No time. At all. So don’t ask me to. And that’s just the way that is too!

  I am almost seventy years old and I done had me a pretty good life. Oh, it had some hard times in it. My family was poor and that’s how I grew up … poor. Watched my father work hisself to death for us kids in the South. We was five of us. Then I watched him work hisself to death in the North. He still stayed poor. Then … I watched my mother and older brothers work to support us til each one of us young ones grew up and was ready to get out in life and make our own way. That’s just the way it was. I don’t care how well off anybody is, livin is work. Ain’t no rose gardens less you till, plant, water, cut back, prune, clean and take care your own. Work at it. That’s just the way it is. I’m tellin you!

  I married when I was bout seventeen. I wasn’t lazy and tryin to get away from home, I just fell in love. Ohhhhh, yes. Clifton. I call him Cliff. He was a good man. A good man. We loved together and we worked together. The first ten years was the hardest. But we made it. We wanted a baby, but the only one we got didn’t live. He died when I birthed him. Ambilical cord round his neck. My son. He died. Didn’t never no more ever come. But we loved each other, Cliff and me, so we just went right on workin together on our married life. It was a good life. He was sweet. Always bringin me little presents. Perfume, scarfs, pretty nightgowns. Cheap, but pretty gowns. Last bout through four nights of our lovin. We was passion, honey.

  We fussed and things, but he never hit me but once. Slapped me cause some man was at the bus stop how I got to work. Me and that man talked every morning, laughing and such. Well, good grief! On cold, early, drab, dreary mornings on your way to a job you don’t like noway, the world don’t always look so good, so a good laugh and a little easy talk makes the world look better. Didn’t mean nothin! Cliff, hiding round the corner watchin me! Peekin! Stalkin!