Some Love, Some Pain, Sometime

by J. California Cooper

  Now … I felt good, but I felt bad too. I was glad Collin was gone but I missed SOMEbody. I wasn’t lonely but I was lonely. One minute I was on top of the world, feelin smart and all and the next minute I was laid out under the world. Then little by little I began to feel better longer.

  Bout that time my usual doctor’s appointment came up and since I was feeling pretty good, I went. After he asked several questions bout all my business and the marriage and the divorce came out, that doctor told me I was in a trauma or somethin. To me, I didn’t feel bad at all, but he gave me a shot and some tranquil pills and sent me home to go to bed and rest. But I wasn’t tired! Cept for the days I took his tranquil pills! So I put them in my “Sometime” drawer and went on livin!

  Then one of my friends called me to tell me about our church revival coming up. Revival plus reunion days. All the old members comin to visit and all. I decided I’d go, cause you can’t go wrong going where God hangs around.

  Now, since it was going to be a reunion and I was almost seventy years old, I decided to make myself look as good as possible to show all my old friends (and enemies) that would be there that I was still holdin my own.

  I went to the hairdresser for my hair and got a facial to iron a few of my wrinkles out. (I don’t have too many wrinkles anyway.) I wanted a massage but I ain’t goin to get naked and show my body to nobody.

  I didn’t intend to buy no new clothes cause I got plenty I never get to wear, but on my way home I passed and looked into a store window and saw the prettiest white silk blouse with ruffles at the neck and cuffs. Ohhh, just really pretty, honey. And a long white skirt with nice slim lines down to the floor. It had a red velvet belt and a small red rose on the breast. I loved it cause I always wanted to wear somethin like that. I went in, tried it on and bought it. $125.00! I frowned all the way home, but I held that package tight under my arms. I loved it!

  When the day of the reunion revival came, my hair had done fallen out of curls, but I combed it back smooth and the few curls left just curled around back of my neck and it still looked good! I still looked good! I sailed out my house to get into my friend’s car just’a grinning and lookin good! You hear me?! Good, chile!

  We got there even with all her bad drivin (cause she can’t see all that good no more), parked and waltzed in, cause my friend thought she was lookin good and smellin good also, like me. She doin the best she can. I guess I am too. I know I am too.

  Well, as usual, everybody greetin everybody. We seen some people we hadn’t seen in years and months. Then we found a seat and let people find us.

  Now, I am not gonna lie to you. It was nice but after a while I got tired of saying hello to people two or three times cause they had forgot we already talked already. And then, the ice had melted in the punch and the sandwitches wilted a bit and the choir had already sang and people was just walkin round. The preacher had already preached his speech and was comin back for the Farewell speech when this gentleman came over and sat next to me in the seat that just happen to be empty. I didn’t pay him much mind cause I was watchin a tiny little punch spot on my new dress.

  He leaned toward me and spoke, I turned to him, lookin up into a smiling face. He asked me, “Didn’t they used to call you ‘Melly’ in school?”

  I turned with a smile, to look at him better and guess what I saw? A tall, good-lookin, silver-haired, slim, but healthy bodied, well-dressed man. With all his teeth, false or not, lookin good and bright eyes behind some fancy frames. My smile went wider. I said in my best low voice, “Yes, they did call me Melly. My name is Melody.”

  He leaned closer toward me and whispered, “I remember you perfectly because when we were in school I had a terrific crush on you.” He leaned back, smiling at me and then laughed, a low warm laughter. I laughed too, hold it long as you can, my mind told me. But my heart wasn’t eager. Just settled back and began to really enjoy the reunion.

  He kept that smile blazin in my eyes, said, “You have not changed. You still have your warmth and sense of humor.”

  I laughed softly, “Oh yes I have changed. I hope I didn’t look like this when I was …?”

  He spoke right up, “Fourteen going on fifteen. But I didn’t just mean your looks.”

  “Oh?”

  “I meant in your relaxed manner. I always relaxed around you. I was shy with girls, but you always relaxed me, like a friend instead of a girl.”

  My mind flashed over all the things that would have changed his mind about me if he had seen me. Like that hot water and my Cliff.

  He went on talkin, “You always seemed so in control of yourself.”

  I coughed a little, “Well I tried to be. When you lose control you don’t have no self left.”

  He laughed softly. “You’re right, you’re right. Well, where is your husband? Is he here? I remember you married Clifford.”

  “He … passed away.”

  “Oh, Melly, I’m sorry to hear that.”

  “I’m sorry to tell it.”

  “So … You’re alone now?”

  I didn’t want to tell anymore about me. “Is your wife here?”

  “No. She passed away also. Three years ago.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  “Well, death makes us all sad.” He cheered up. “BUT! We are here … alone!”

  I laughed that low laugh again. I hoped it was sexy, but didn’t mean sex. “Tryin,” I said.

  He stood, “Would you like more punch?”

  I looked up at him, he’s tall. “I’d like to know your name. And I’d have more punch if it had some ice in it.”

  “My name is Randolph. Randolph Conners. I had hoped you would remember. And you shall have ice in your punch if I have to go to the North Pole for it!”

  (I like this kind of man!) I said, “No, don’t go to the North Pole. You might not get back in time to talk anymore.”

  He made a slight bow. Said, “Ms. Melody, I’ll get back, but in case you leave, give me your address so I can find you again. I’ll only be in town another few days.”

  I laughed that low laughter again. “Certainly. It would be … a pleasure.”

  I did. And gave him my phone number too! I usually write so bad, but you should have seen how clear them letters and numbers were, honey!

  Well, I’m not gonna run you through all of it, cause you all probly think older folks don’t have no romance noway. But we do, we do. A heart is a heart. Where there is a way, there is a will.

  For the few days that Randolph was in town, he courted me. He took me out to breakfast and we talked all day. Next day I cooked breakfast and we talked. He took me out to lunch. He took me out to dinner. He took me to lunch the last day and we had dinner in his rooms at the hotel that evening. Wasn’t none of that sex stuff to it. We had too much to learn about each other it seemed. We talked and talked and then we sat silent sometimes too.

  Randolph had gone on to college for accounting and tax business. That’s why he still worked at his age, eighty-one years old. He had his own businesses, long established. He had married and lived with his wife for thirty-three years. Til she died. That man fixed his lips and told me he came back to build a new life and find old me. Oh! Ain’t the heart a strange, wonderful thing?! A marvelous, marvelous thing. I felt like a princess in them fairy tales I read as a child.

  Anyway, time came, he left. I missed that man more than I missed Collin, EVER! Ain’t that a shame?! At my age, fallin in love. Well, it ain’t your business, but I had done fallen in love, honey.

  When he came back two weeks later, he proposed and before he was through askin, I accepted. Me, with my crazy quick self. Saw the stars again.

  We married, chile. We married.

  We bought a new home in the city where his business was. He did, anyway. I moved back there.

  We walk every mornin and every evenin … for the joy of it. He loves to dance and I do too, only I never did too much of it before. He plays golf. Now, I’m learnin too. I like it, the beautiful walks and al
l. He loves it. I cook and we spread it over the week or we go out cause all this walkin and fresh air has made it easier for me to get up and go! He has taught me about concerts and symphonies and even the ballet. He opened my mind to music. We are blessed.

  Yes, we make love. These two old bodies are warm and comfortable to each other. It’s a close, thank you for the blessin, lovemakin. He ain’t tryin to be a trapeze artist and I ain’t tryin to be Mata Hari. We just lovin each other.

  You know, not even in my most wildest dreams did I ever blive I would have a life like this startin at my age. You just can’t tell about life. You can’t never give up. You just have to be wise as you can. Cause I got the wrong one once after Cliff left me, but now I got the right one. And you know every day is a blessin, cause it might be the last one.

  You know, when I thank God for my blessin, I always remember to ask him for one for you. Are you ready? I mean, ALL ready?

  I’m happy. And if I die this way, I’ll die happy. It seems the best, though God bless Cliff, it seems the best was saved for last. I don’t know what else to say. That’s just the way it is.

  Right now, I have talked so much I got hungry again. I goin to get up and make me a sliced turkey sandwich on toasted wheatberry bread smoothed over with a little fat-free mayonnaise and pieces of crisp, fresh lettuce and fat round slices of tomato. I’ll have a glass of ice cold milk or ice cold beer. Then I’ll go to sleep and take a nap and get ready for Randy to come home. God willin I keep my health. That’s just the way it is!

  Livin and Learnin

  Sometimes in this life, you be so busy trying to live, in fact, you don’t give a lotta thought to where you goin in the long run. But I found out from my own real life experience, you better do it … You better think about where you taking yourself in life.

  I said something the other day that brought a lot of memories into my mind. Made me think! People say life is hard, but I truly believe that some people make they life hard. Just keep makin the same mistakes over and over. Runs down into generations. I don’t want that for me!

  When I said what I said that reminded me of the past, I was talkin to my fourteen-year-old daughter. She tryin to court and I happen to see one of her friend-boys. I have to pay tention to her, cause see, this is a city we livin in and it’s all kind of people here. Mostly the wrong kind! When my mama was raising me and havin trouble, she said one day it would be my turn. So I’m watching for it!

  When I heard myself talkin to my daughter, I realized I was saying what my grandmama told my mama and what my mama told me long ago. Almost the same words. (And all of us were right.) Cause my mama had fallen in love with one of them “mannish bums” who my grandmama recognized on sight. My father.

  The boy I was talkin to my daughter about, he look like a ole slick-head bum to me, so I asked my daughter, “Who is that slick-head bum hangin round you? That mannish boy don’t look like he mean nobody no good!” She rolled her eyes at me just fore she decided to look innocent. I kept on talkin, cause, now, I am a mother. “You better leave that boy alone cause he ain’t gonna mean nothin but trouble!” Well, now, you do get to where you know em when you see em! But let me tell you why all this came about, from the beginning.

  My mama didn’t pay her mother no mind, caused she loved him she thought. Then she got pregnant with me and when my mama told that boy they was going to glorify their love with a little blessin from heaven and would have to get married, he left town and stayed gone!

  I know my mama caught hell! And she had to have me cause she couldn’t run off nowhere and leave her body behind like a daddy can. And Grandmama never let my mama forget what she had told her in the beginin. (Also told her the day was comin when it would be her turn, she’d see!)

  After I was born we still lived with my grandmama, naturally, cause where was a fifteen-year-old girl goin? Grandmama was good though. She made my mama finish high school so she could get a decent job and raise me. Mama worked in a factory for years.

  When I was bout seven years old, Mama got sick of hearin bout how she had ruined her life and, since she was making a almost-decent salary, we moved out to a kitchenette apartment. (I know all this cause some I heard and some I remember.)

  My mother couldn’t court too much cause we had to sleep in the same bed. She was a good and fair mother to me. (I came first.) Her heart never jumped up and acted like a fool again, like it had with my daddy, cause her life had been too hard raisin a child all by herself. And her mama’s words musta sunk in too. There were so many.

  She had boyfriends though. When I was bout ten or so, she said she was thinkin of getting married. She had two friends who had asked her. She asked me which one I liked. Wasn’t that nice? Cause, she said, I had to live with him too.

  She had been goin out with both of them a long time. One was Mr. Jones, a tall, long-faced, older man, who seemed very stiff, dressed neat, but cheap, no taste at all. Always askin me bout my schoolwork, homework and all. Didn’t laugh much, and his smile really was cracked. I had read bout them kinda smiles, but with him, I really did see a cracked, dry smile. I think he had a big home and some money. He was always givin me quarters and half-dollars and bringin Mama candy, which I ate. Mama was always quiet round him. I liked him cause I could see he would make our life better. I liked them quarters and half-dollars.

  The other one, Mr. Evans, was a medium tall, lazin, laughin nice man. He worked a job. Dressed real nice. He asked bout my schoolwork, but didn’t dwell on it. He never gave me any money, but he took us to shows and games and bought us a lotta hamburgers and things. He ate a lotta Mr. Jones’ candy, too! He and Mama could laugh about almost anything! Mama was always playin and laughin when she was round him.

  Now, when all this marryin stuff came up, she asked me which one I liked the best for a father. Naturally, I picked Mr. Jones who brought the candy and gave me money. Mama looked at me, kinda sad, a long time as I bit into another piece of Mr. Jones’ candy. Said, “You are just thinkin of yourself.” She sighed real heavy. “You not thinking of my happiness. Life is more than just a box of candy and a quarter.”

  I swallowed that good candy and said, “Well, you ask me who I liked, and I know Mr. Jones will give us a bigger house and a better livin you always complainin bout.”

  She said right back, “A person needs to marry somebody who can make the livin worth livin. If you ever ask me that question, I will like the one I think will make you the happiest, not the one who will make ME the happiest.”

  I reached for some more candy. She slapped my hand away, hard. Then I kept my mouth shut. I’m good at that. I had sense. Then.

  Mama married that laughing man … and I’m glad. Cause, now, as I look back over all these years they have been married, they’ve worked and finally got their own house, gave me a stepsister who I love. She musta picked the right one. Cause if she had married Mr. Jones, her smile might a been dry and cracked by now, like his. As it is, she and Evans still laugh together. She smiles a lot, big smiles. That is until she gets to me. But I’ll get to that later.

  After my mama married, we got a bigger place to live in. I had my own room and I was alone a lot. I hear them laughin and talkin … havin fun. I want to have some fun too! So I was always makin friends with somebody. Anybody. As I got older, my grandmama always say I was a fast-tailed girl, but I was a virgin til I was fifteen and a half years old. I didn’t mean to give it up then. I planned to wait til I got married like my mama always talk to me about. But, chile, I got foolish and forgot.

  Now … when you are young, you don’t think bout all the reasons older people have for choosin friends. You just like to have fun. So, when I was fifteen or so … I had a friend who really was a fast-tailed womanish girl, bout my age. My mama worried bout me and her together, but I really liked Honey B. She was doin such excitin things! When other girls be goin to the library or somethin, Honey B be goin to get some gum and cigarettes at a store that was attached to a cocktail bar. She would stand and listen t
o all that fast talk and have men look at her and say, “Pig meat” or “Jail-bait.” Sometime they pull her hair or pat her cheeks and arms. She got offered money too, on the sly. But she didn’t want to be no prostitute, she just liked havin fun! When I went with her I just watch and grin. I’m good at that. Besides, I didn’t want em touchin me. I move out the way when they reach out to pull my hair or somethin.

  But when they ask do we want a soda pop? I always say “Yes!” Lord, we drank plenty soda pops. Sometime they sneaked us drinks, real drinks, in a soda bottle, and we’d be a little high. Honey B liked that. I didn’t. Wonder did they think they was doin us a favor? Now I know, they just want to see us act a fool, or see how fast we get in the gutter. Then they could say they always knew we wasn’t gonna be nothin! Whole lotta people are good at sayin things like that!

  I didn’t do that all the time, just sometime when school be borin.

  I also had a real nice boyfriend, name of Donald. Played sports and everything. He wasn’t the best, but he played. He was what Honey B called a square. Didn’t even smoke. He studied hard and had a job after school. Rode a bike he bought hisself, til he saved enough to buy a little ole car. He was good at savin. Honey B made me think he was borin, wasn’t excitin to my life. I thought I was so good at everything, I shoulda been good at takin care of my own business!

  The night that changed my life was when Donald was graduating and he asked me to his prom. My mama and daddy dressed me to look like a angel. All in pink satin and organdy. Well I was only fifteen and a half, so I was a angel. I went to the prom with Donald, all fresh, smooth, clean and pretty.

  Honey B wasn’t invited by anybody to the prom. She stole in when it was all crowded. Now, even I noticed, she looked older than the rest of us. The teachers looked at her funny. They knew by the way she was dressed she was different. But she was my age! She was my friend, but I like to died when she headed straight for me. She told me she was goin off to a party, way off in some classy place, and she had come after me! After me! I didn’t know whether to be mad or glad.