Forbid Me

by M. Robinson

  I watched him flaunt her in front of me, standing a little too close to her, touching her face a little too often, whispering things in her ear a little too much. It was like he was trying to make a point, I couldn’t fathom his actions. After Cole had made his big announcement, which in my eyes was more of a pissing contest and a big fuck you to my brother, I witnessed Lucas physically break down in front of me. I just couldn’t take it anymore. I needed to get the fuck out of there.

  So I ran.

  I ran out into our backyard, needing air, space, and a fucking sledgehammer.

  “Fuck! I can’t get a break,” I shouted, running into Jacob, who was sitting on the patio steps. I immediately turned to go back inside, but the door locked behind me. “Of course, why wouldn’t the door lock? Am I going to get struck by lightning now, God?” I peered up at the sky, shaking my head and staring back into Jacob’s amused face.

  “Where’s your whore, I mean your girlfriend?” I spewed not being able to hold back.

  His expression quickly turned desolate and I lashed out.

  “I thought you said you would never lie to me.”

  He grimaced, it was quick, but I saw it. “I haven’t.”

  “Liar!”

  He stood and came toward me. “Kid, I—”

  I pushed him. I shoved him with all the strength I could muster. He didn’t even falter. I might as well have shoved a brick wall. I screamed out my frustration.

  “FUCK YOU! I hate you! I hate you!” I repeated, hitting him all over his chest.

  I took out a years worth of frustration on him. Beating his chest over and over again.

  All my sadness.

  My despair.

  My love for him that wouldn’t go away.

  My hate for him because he lied to me.

  I saw my mom’s diminishing life. My brother’s fucking misery over his star-crossed love. My dad being alone after she was gone.

  I saw it all.

  With each push and every blow that hit his body, I felt a little more of myself die. The carefree, happy girl was gone. All that was left was someone I didn’t recognize anymore, someone I never wanted to be. I hit him harder and he let me. Not once did he try to block me or hold me. Not once did he try to comfort me.

  And I didn’t know which one was worse, which one hurt more. Tearing into my anguish of a future that didn’t include my mother or him.

  “Why? Why do you do this to me? Why do you hurt me all the time? Why do you keep breaking my fucking heart?” I shouted, moving away from him and not being able to look into his lying eyes any longer.

  “Kid… I’m hanging on by a thread here.”

  “You think I’m so stupid. I’m one big fucking child! You think I don’t know. That’s what hurts the most, Jacob.” Tears slid down my face. “Why would you lie to me?”

  “Lily, I don’t—”

  “Stop fucking lying!” I yelled, raising my eyes to his. “I know! I know she’s not your girlfriend. I know you lied! You made me think for this entire year that you had found someone and it’s a lie. It’s all one big fucking lie.”

  He jerked back for the first time like I had hit him, this time it wasn’t by my actions but by the truth of my words.

  “I knew it the second you walked inside with her. You can pretend all you want, flaunt her in my fucking face, but the truth is in your eyes, Jacob. It’s always been in your goddamn eyes.”

  I bowed my head, shutting my eyes.

  “Exactly. Go ahead and hide them.”

  It all made sense now. That’s why her mom wanted her to come, but why? Did she want Lily to hate me even more? Nothing made sense. Not one fucking thing.

  “Why did you lie to me? You owe me at least that.”

  “Lily, when was the last time you went out with your friends?” I looked at her with the sincerest expression spread across my face. “When was the last time you did something normal? Went on a date? Had a boyfriend? The last time you did anything but wait for me? You’re still waiting for me.”

  “That was not your choice to make. It was mine.”

  “Not when your brother is telling me your family is worried about you. Not when he’s telling me that they're terrified you’re going to look back on all these years and regret missing out on everything. Not when he’s telling me that you’ve become withdrawn, you never do anything, or leave your fucking house.” I stepped toward her until we were a few inches apart.

  “Not when he’s telling me that all you do is sit on your phone, texting and talking to someone. To me.” I hit my chest. “To fucking me, Lily. I’m taking you away from everything. That’s not healthy. I’m hurting you when I’m with you, and I’m hurting you when I’m not. I can’t fucking win either way.”

  “So you lie?” She wiped away her tears before I did it for her.

  “What other choice did I have? Tell me? What can I do? I can’t be with you and it’s fucking killing me that I can’t be without you.”

  “You promised me! You swore to me that you would never lie to me. I believed you! I trusted you!”

  “It was the only way.”

  “To make me hate you,” she added the words I couldn’t say, and I faintly nodded with bile rising up my throat.

  “Where’s your girlfriend?”

  “Do you think if she mattered I would be out here?”

  “Who is she?”

  “Does it matter? Jesus Christ, Lily, I can’t even look at you. Do you know how much that kills me? You’re my favorite fucking thing to look at.”

  She slowly backed away from me and it took everything inside me not to throw myself on my knees and beg her to forgive me.

  “That makes two of us.” And with that she turned and left.

  Leaving me with nothing but regret for the things I couldn’t take back and the same things I desperately wished I could change.

  I left him standing there.

  I couldn’t stand the sight of him. Not for one more second. He didn’t deserve one more second. I barely had time to register everything that had just happened or what I was feeling when I heard soft whimpering coming from my garage. I walked toward the noise, the silence around me almost deafening. The bass from the music playing inside my house coincided with the crying as I got closer to the side door.

  I ran.

  I ran as fast as I could, barging inside the garage, halting as soon as I saw the sight in front of me.

  Aubrey…

  On the cement ground, clutching her stomach, and rolling around in pain.

  Jeremy…

  Looming, hovering above her like a monster, a villain in a horror movie.

  I immediately hurled into action, sliding on my knees to Aubrey. “Get the fuck away from her! Dad! Lucas!” I screamed, fearing the music inside would be too loud for them to hear. Aubrey started to move her head back and forth in my lap. I didn’t understand if she was telling me to stop or keep going.

  “Dad! Lucas!” I yelled even louder.

  “Shut your goddamn mouth, little girl,” he gritted out.

  “Fuck you!” He came at me just as the garage door opened, stopping him mid-action. We both looked behind me. There was Dylan standing in front of us, looking from him to us and back to him again. Putting together the pieces of the puzzle within seconds. Rage was written all over his face.

  He closed the door and charged him, knocking him over with his entire body. They both fell to the ground and Aubrey shuddered, moving to the side to try to get up. I helped her as Dylan and Jeremy wrestled around on the floor.

  “Please… please… stop,” she begged for I don’t know who, walking toward them. I grabbed her arm holding her back.

  “You piece of fucking shit!” Dylan roared, hitting him. “You like to beat women, motherfucker!” He hit him again, slamming his head on the concrete.

  “Lily, he’s going to kill him.”

  I looked at her like she was crazy. “Who cares, he was hurting you.”

  “I’m fine. Pleas
e, Dylan, please stop!”

  “You sack of fucking shit.” He ignored her.

  “Please, Dylan, if you ever loved me… please stop.”

  He instantly stopped, stood up and spit on his face. What happened next shocked the shit out of both of us.

  Aubrey went to him.

  She went to Jeremy.

  The man who was fucking kicking her ass when I walked in.

  “What are you doing?” Dylan asked, gripping her arm.

  She roughly snatched it out of his grip. “Mind your own goddamn business. Leave!” she ordered, her demeanor quickly turning callous.

  “Have you lost your fucking mind? Get the fuck up, Aubrey! I’m taking this piece of shit in.” He grabbed his phone and she knocked it out of his hand, the screen cracking on the floor.

  “What the fuck is wrong with you? Why are you defending him?” he argued.

  I stood there not being able to move or say one damn thing. Their problems making mine look childish in comparison.

  “You know why. Leave. Leave now.”

  “You can’t be serious? You think I’m really going to leave you with him? Give me some goddamn credit, Aubrey.”

  “If you don’t leave, Dylan, I swear I’ll never let you…” she hesitated, but she didn’t have to continue because he understood her warning.

  “Un-fucking-believable. I loved you. I still fucking love you and you stand there and defend this piece of shit.”

  She swallowed hard her resolve breaking.

  “I guess I really never knew you at all.”

  She shut her eyes. I could physically feel her pain from the distance between us. Dylan took one last look at her before kicking Jeremy in the stomach, peering down at him with disgust.

  “Mark my words, motherfucker, one day I’m going to fucking kill you.”

  He grabbed my hand and led me out through the side door, and I halted as soon as we were a few feet away.

  “What are you doing? We can’t leave her in there. We have to tell someone. You have to arrest him. Go back in there, Dylan!”

  His teeth clenched. “I don’t have a choice.”

  “Why?”

  “Lily, just pretend you didn’t see that tonight. Do you understand? For me. Do it for me.”

  “You can’t ask me to do that.”

  “I’m not asking.”

  “Dylan, I—”

  “Lily, you know I love you. Don’t make me say it. We both know what I’m talking about. I’ve kept my mouth quiet, now it’s time for you to return the favor.”

  I stepped back, the impact of his words being too much. He nodded in realization that I understood his simple yet powerful request. He kissed my head and left me standing there.

  All I could think was…

  What. The. Fuck?

  “Okay, hold on,” I said to Alex on the phone, calling her on Skype from my laptop.

  “Hello, it’s you!”

  “Hello, it’s me!” I replied our standard greeting, hitting end on my cell.

  “So, what is so important that we had to Skype,” I asked, already knowing even though she hadn’t told me yet.

  I just knew.

  Call it intuition.

  They found out they made a little person on my birthday weekend. I like to say that I am the reason that child is in there. My awesome energy and vibes, but Jacob likes to remind me that it was actually Lucas’s boys that got one passed the goalie.

  She was glowing with her baby bump proudly showing, wearing a shirt that said, “If you didn’t put it in there, then don’t touch it.” That right there was definitely my brother’s handiwork.

  “So we’re having a…”

  Lucas then showed a shirt on the screen that said, “I’m my dad’s son in here so don’t fuck with the belly.”

  I busted out laughing. “Oh my God! You’re having a boy! Where does he keep finding these shirts?”

  “He swears he’s buying them, but I think he’s having them made,” Alex replied, Lucas looking at her lovingly with a shit-eating grin on his face.

  “How far along are you now?”

  “Eighteen weeks today.”

  “Wow! They fit you in fast then.”

  Her face frowned as she scratched the back of her head. “Yeah… well… they weren’t going to see me till next week, but your brother called them back. Let’s just say he’s lucky they let him in the doctor’s office at all.”

  I shook my head, typical behavior from my brother.

  “Alright, baby sister, I have to go out for an estimate. We will talk soon. Love you.”

  “Love you!”

  Lucas kissed the top of her head. “I love you.” Leaned over and kissed Alex’s stomach. “And I love you. Be good for your mom.”

  She beamed. “He’s like the size of a potato, Bo.”

  “So are you.”

  We laughed.

  “I’m so screwed.”

  “Yeah, have fun with that.”

  “Lily, he’s already planning my entire day. What I should be eating, how much I should be exercising, telling me I can’t carry anything heavy. He knows more than I do. He called the restaurant this morning telling them I won’t be coming in as often. It’s like I can’t leave the house or something.”

  Alex owned her parents restaurant now. Her parents retired a few years back and pretty much handed it to her on a silver platter. She loved it, though, and I couldn’t imagine her doing anything else.

  “Yeah… like I said. Have fun with that.”

  “I may kill him before this pregnancy is over.”

  “I’m surprised you haven’t killed him yet to be honest.”

  “Congratulations, Half-Pint,” Jacob announced, leaning into the screen.

  I slapped his chest. “You weren’t supposed to say anything.”

  “She knows.”

  “You do?” I looked back at the screen.

  “I do.”

  “Why haven’t you said anything!?”

  “Why haven’t you?”

  “Yeah, Kid, why haven’t you?”

  “Alright, so I recognize that tone. I’m going to go… have fun.” Alex nodded toward Jacob. “With that.” The call ended.

  Shit.

  “Did you say you wanted a blowjob?” I grinned, reaching for his pants.

  He grabbed my hands. “As much as I would love to fuck your face right now, it wouldn’t be for the right reasons.”

  “I’m in trouble, aren’t I?”

  “On so many levels. I should take you over my shoulder, Kid.”

  “Jacob, I thought we agreed we weren’t going to tell anybody.”

  “Alex isn’t anybody.”

  “Well, next time you can hand me a list of people who count. That way I know.”

  He arched an eyebrow, rubbing his fingers back and forth over his lips, his expression quickly fading.

  “For someone who doesn’t like my game, you sure do provoke me enough to spank that little fucking ass of yours. Don’t you?”

  I slid farther away from him, guarding my ass. He tried to hide his smile.

  “I think you just like finding reasons to do it, you masochist.”

  “That’s up for debate.”

  “I’m sorry I didn’t tell her.”

  “That’s not what you should be sorry for.”

  “Jacob…”

  He narrowed his eyes at me.

  “I need to know. I need to know now. Please. What happened?”

  I didn’t have to elaborate.

  He knew exactly what I meant.

  “I want all that with you, Lily. The house, the white picket fence, the baby. I want the whole fucking nine yards. A complete life.”

  “I want that, too. More than anything. I’ve always wanted it. Except, I can’t move forward without knowing everything. I know why you brought that girl to our Christmas Eve party. I get what you were trying to do.”

  “Do you?”

  “I do now. I hated you for doing that. For
flaunting another woman in front of me and thinking you needed to. It was the first time I hated you, Jacob. At least I thought I did. It wasn't until after you left me, that I felt true hatred towards you. I carried that hatred up until the moment I saw you at my bar. It was only then did I realize that I still loved you. That it never went away. I get it. I know you were hurting too. I’ve seen how you lived. I mean your pizza delivery boy addressed you by your first name, that can’t be normal,” she chuckled, but I couldn’t bring myself to laugh.

  The severity of what she wanted to know was too consuming.

  “You were trying to be selfless by letting me go, allowing me to live my life or a life. I understand. That doesn’t explain what happened after, though. Why did you do that to me?”

  I stood, I had to. The memory of everything flooding back into my mind and it was just as painful now as it was back then. I felt like I was reliving it all over again, except this time I knew the outcome. She came up behind me as I looked out her back porch, wrapping her arms around my waist.

  “I’m not going anywhere. I can promise you that. I just need to know the truth, but it’s not going to change anything between us. You know it, Jacob. You know in your heart I’m not going to be able to move forward the way you want me to without you telling me what happened.”

  She kissed along my back, comforting me in a way that was unexpected. The memories of that day and the weeks that led up to it, like an old movie playing on a reel right in front of me. I couldn’t stop it, not for one fucking second. Which is why I had been running away from it for the last three years.

  “I love you. I’ll always love you. No matter what, you’re my lobster,” she coaxed, assuming I needed to hear it.

  “I don’t even know where to start,” I murmured, my voice seeming so far away.

  “The beginning…”

  “I’m sorry. We’ve done everything we can. All that’s left is to make sure she’s comfortable,” the doctor stated as if it were nothing, as if it was just another ordinary day, his voice lacked any sympathy, and I hated him as much as the cancer itself at that moment.

  “How much time?” Mom asked not looking one bit surprised with the prognosis.

  “A few weeks, give or take.”