by Ivory B.
The wind was literally knocked right out of Los. Lucky cried hard burying her face into Los’ chest as he hugged her close to his heart. “Lucky sshhh, you don’t have to say nothing else,” Los said while holding her head to his chest and rocking her slightly. He couldn’t bear to see Lucky this hurt because it hurt him more. He wanted in on Lucky’s deepest and darkest secrets but if it meant at the expense of hurting her he’d rather be kept in the dark. Lucky lifted her face from his chest and wiped her tears away with the back of her hand. “I have to if I don’t I never will,” and that much was true. Lucky had a way of locking hurtful things away and never talking about them. “Okay, okay,” Los said gently with sympathetic eyes.
“My…my father molested me.” Los took a deep breath and squeezed his eyes shut, that was something he didn’t want to hear. “When I was little my mother and father was all I knew. I rarely saw my extended family because no one liked my father; for good reason. He could never hold down a steady job and he had a problem with drinking and drugs. Before my mother got sick with cancer she was the bread winner for the family. My mother’s people wasn’t feeling that and they let it be known, especially Uncle Kev. Because of that my mother didn’t come around often and I only saw my extended family on holidays and birthdays at times. Me and Ty were always close, even though Uncle Kev couldn’t stand my father, my Uncle’s house was the only place I got to stay the night every once in awhile. I think mainly because my father was too scared to tell Uncle Kev no.”
“I was young when it started. I don’t know how I knew it was wrong but I just knew the way he touched me wasn’t right. He made me go down on him all the time. And…he would put his mou…mouth down there all the time too. If I tried to stop him he would force my legs open by digging his nails in my thighs to keep them open. I remember times when I could barely walk because he had scratched my inner thighs so deep. That always happened when I wouldn’t keep my legs open for him.”
Lucky took a deep breath wiping away tears with the back of her hand. “When my mother got sick it got worst. My mother never noticed how I would cry and throw tantrums every time she went to leave for work. Or how my frequent trips to the corner store with my father took longer than they should have, or how at the age of 5 I had a bad leakage problem down there. I would be wet almost all the time. It was uncomfortable and embarrassing for me so I would grab at the crotch of my panties and use the seat to dry myself. Why didn’t she notice?” Lucky whispered staring into space. Then she looked Carlos straight in the eyes. “Do you think she knew?” Lucky asked the one question that haunted her every time she let her mind drift to her childhood. Carlos looked the love of his life in the eyes. Her pain was his and he couldn’t stand to see her hurting more than she was. Silent tears streamed down her face as she looked into his eyes. Somehow all he could see was that little scared 5 year old girl with haunting green eyes that needed a savior. Sometimes it was just better to be lied to he reasoned. To protect her from anymore hurt or from remembering her mother as being anything other than the woman that birthed and loved her he didn’t say what he wanted to. Which was hell yeah that bitch knew and her worthless ass turned a blind eye to keep that bum nigga. Instead he said “No baby of course not. You know your mother wouldn’t have let anything happen to you.” Lucky shook her head in agreement, then burst out crying falling into his chest and hugging him tight. He held her tighter looking over her shoulder thankful she couldn’t see the pain on his face. He bit his bottom lip trying to hold back his own tears, he knew he needed to be her rock and carry that ugly truth.
Lucky seemed to have gotten her composure enough to continue talking. She pulled out of the safety of Carlos arms to look him in the eyes. “The first time my mother stayed in the hospital for some time I don’t know how long she was gone, that was the first time he…tried to penetrate me. Not…not vaginally but back there. He used to say that I wasn’t ready yet to have my cherry popped but when I got old enough he would be my first. So he settled for…” Lucky stopped and dropped her face in her hands; she couldn’t bring herself to say the words. Carlos shut his eyes tight and stress lines appeared on his forehead. “All I remember is the pain. He couldn’t put it all the way in. He…he was using stuff Vaseline and I think lotion.” Lucky paused and her chest heaved as she tried to catch her breath. “It was a lot of blood, like, everywhere and I…pooped. He was scared, really scared because I wouldn’t stop crying until he threatened to beat me. He had to throw away my pj’s, sheets and cover. I was sick to my stomach for days. And when my mother got home she didn’t even ask what was wrong? Or where my covers had gone?”
“Then my mother started getting worse off. That didn’t stop him though. I could remember my mother begging him to stay in the hospital overnight with her but he wouldn’t. He wanted to come home so he could be in the house alone with me.” Lucky couldn’t finish, she shook her head with disgust at the mere thought. “He was so gross. He would put his fingers back there all the time. Pinch and suck on my flat chest.” Lucky’s body was trembling and her words came out shaky. “When my mother got admitted, he told me that I would have to take my mother’s place. Be the woman of the house, handle her wifely duties. He started doing drugs in the house out in the open since my mother wasn’t there. And he would have get high buddies over that would smoke crack with him. Then one day… he had a lady friend in his room with him. I was watching cartoons…and I could hear them making all types of noises. Then he…he called me in the room and made me watch them. Then he… made the lady do things to me and me to her.” Lucky burst out crying hard. “That’s why it hurt my feelings so much when they called me gay in school. I’m not gay! Carlos I’m not gay!” Lucky cried hysterically. “I know, I know, ssshh ma I know” Carlos grabbed her up in his arms and hugged her tight finally losing his battle with his own tears as two rolled down his face.
Here he was thinking Lucky had a pretty good childhood and the only traumatic things that happened to her was her mother dying young of cancer, and the Uncle that took her in dying in a construction accident. His assumptions were way off. Lucky lie there in the safety of Los’ arms but her past wouldn’t let her go and she couldn’t let go of it either. “I often think where would I be if my mother hadn’t passed away? Would I be here with you?” Carlos didn’t know what to say, there was a strong possibility that Lucky could be a totally different person had she stayed with her parents and endured more abuse.
“My father tried to fight to keep me when CPS came to investigate whether or not he was fit to take care of me on his own. Since he wasn’t, my Uncle and Matoo stepped up to take me; everything changed for me when I started living with them. I actually had a good childhood. I remember everyone being so mad with my father, saying he wasn’t shit. Asking how a man could just abandon his daughter after she lost her mother? Little did they know I didn’t want to ever see his ass again. I was glad he took off and moved away.
Years later guess who pops up? My father; my Aunt and Uncle looked him up and found him living in Baltimore. Since I was graduating from elementary school going into Junior High, they thought it would be a good idea to invite him to the graduation. I wasn’t happy at all; everyone assumed I was upset because I hadn’t seen my father in years before that day but I was really mad he was there. He looked different and he didn’t smell like alcohol or crack, he was actually sober and clean. Matoo thought it would be a good idea to leave me alone at the house with him so we could catch up. That’s when I knew that even though he looked different he hadn’t changed at all. As soon as he knew no one was around he attacked me right there on the living room sofa. He tried to pin me down while he forced my graduation dress up. He kept saying how beautiful I was and how I was his and ready for him. I honestly don’t even know what came over me. I just flipped; I screamed at the top of my lungs and tried to take his eyes out with my nails. I kicked and swung until I got him off of me. When he jumped up to cover his face from me trying to scratch his eyes out, I ran to
the kitchen and got a butcher knife. I told him I would kill his ass if he ever, ever in his life came near me again. That’s the last time I saw that man and I don’t care to ever see him again,” Lucky said right before sniffling and staring off into space. “When my Aunt and Uncle came home they thought I was in my room crying because my father had left. I wanted to tell my Uncle so bad but in a way I’m glad I hadn’t. Because maybe we wouldn’t have gotten the little time we did to enjoy him before he passed months later, I know without a doubt my Uncle would’ve been locked up for hurting my father if I had. Uncle Kev never got to see me turn 11 that summer, or be there for my first day of middle school. And he was so proud; he kept telling me he was at graduation. Things got really rough for me, Matoo and Ty for a while and then Ty she…took it really hard,” Lucky’s voice trailed off as she seemed to be there in that moment. The room went silent for a while both Los and Lucky deep in thought about her revelations.
“I need to explain something to you,” Lucky said turning to look deep into Los’ sad eyes that were reddened showing evidence that he too had shed a tear or two. “Let me tell you how I first met Cutty.” The mere mention of Cutty’s name seemed to make Carlos’s body tense. She knew why, for some reason Carlos always felt inadequate in comparison to the love Lucky had for Cutty but he was so wrong to feel that way and Lucky needed to let him know that.
“By the time I was in high school Matoo had moved us out of South Philly to the burbs. So one day I went with Ty and one of her friends to South Street in the city to window shop and chill that used to be the hangout for us high schoolers. We ended up running into some dumb ass boys from our school. The star point guard on the basketball team, that didn’t take rejection well started in on me as soon as he saw me. I was eating cheese fries when he walked up and said “oh shit! I’m surprised you eat anything else other than pussy.” Then he slapped my hand sending fries flying on my shirt. Ty tried to get at him immediately and he jumped in her face like he was really going to fight her while his boys laughed. Cutty was walking down the street with his boys and saw everything go down. He stepped right up and was like “Yo you owe them an apology, especially her.” He pointed at me. “So at first ole boy tried to save face and act like he wasn’t scared. He was like I ain’t apologizing and threw his hands up like what? I don’t know why he did that? Cause you could look at Cutty and his boys and know they were totally different from them boys at school. Cutty stomped Mr. Popular ass out and I didn’t feel bad at all, for damn near two years that boy made my life a living hell at school. Them boys from my school got chased right off the street by them wild ass little D -Boys,” Lucky chuckled lightly at the memory. “When the cops came everybody broke out and went their separate ways. Ty knew some of the dudes that was with Cutty cause her and Keema would always catch the bus into the city and chill. One of Cutty’s boys called Ty’s cell to check up on us after everything went down, Cutty asked to speak to me and the rest is history. That’s how we got together.
Things changed for me almost instantly, I was happy, like really happy. I felt with him I had more than a boyfriend, I had a real friend. Even the bullying got better after we were together. Sometimes he would come up to the school to pick me up, so the dudes in school knew not to fuck with me anymore. We got really, really close and I ended up telling him about my father and so he understood why I always shied away from having sex with him. He said he wouldn’t rush me and we would wait until we got married.” Lucky smiled a little at that last comment thinking about how young and naive she was to believe he was cool with waiting until they got married. “He never told my secret. We let people assume what they wanted to. Of course his boys thought we were fuckin when they would drop him out to the burbs and see me sneaking him in my window at night.” Lucky chuckled lightly. “And since Ty and Keem was already gettin it in, it was hard for Ty to believe we slept in the same bed and only kissed and grinded on each other. That was enough for him in the beginning but then he started pushing and I started pulling back. We started arguing about me not being ready to take things further, then breaking up to make up, you know typical teenage drama. He was mad; he thought we should at least be having oral if we weren’t going to go all the way. I think he even did it to me to persuade me to return the favor but I was like hell no.
After going through what I went through with my father my whole perception of sex was marred. The last thing I wanted was sex. So I wasn’t really surprised to find out after Cutty died that he was cheatin but the baby threw me for a loop. I found out at his funeral right there in black and white on the order of service pamphlet…I flipped the program over to the eulogy section and to my surprise he has a child. I was angry for a long time but after awhile I had to be realistic about it, we were kids. He was a young dude and I wasn’t putting out so he was gettin it elsewhere. Despite everything I know we had something special in a young love typa way…he never told my secret, he took it to his grave and I’ll always be thankful to him for that. Cutty passed the summer before my senior year in high school. My final year was rough… but I focused on school and it paid off. I earned a scholarship that gave me a free ride for the first year out in Connecticut and I jumped on the opportunity. I wanted a new start, a chance to get away from Philly for awhile because so much bad had happened to me there.
I found out that college dudes were just as immature if not more as high school dudes. I had a few I talked to but once they started in the direction of sex, I shut em down.” Lucky looked down feeling a little embarrassed of what she was about to say. “I even let two of them eat me out but wouldn’t let them hit.” Los raised an eyebrow and looked at Lucky in shock. She looked up at him after admitting what she considered her secret bad girl deeds with a slight smirk. “I didn’t feel bad though because I knew what they wanted, I could see it in their eyes. So it wasn’t long before one name from high school seemed to come back to haunt me, Dick Tease,” Lucky smiled weakly and so did Los. “I think I earned the name honestly that time though. I was fine with it, by then I had grown a thick skin and really didn’t care what people said about me.”
Lucky paused and became very serious, looking deep into Los’ eyes and getting choked up on her first words. “Then I met you.” Lucky’s ears started getting hot, heart started racing and her eyes started watering with just the thought of how he made her feel then and still now. “I saw something different in your eyes. I don’t know, I can’t even explain how I felt some type of connection with you and I barely knew you. After our first date when we lost contact, it was crazy how you stayed on my mind constantly. Then that night at Jimmy’s when I ran into you I felt that same exact feeling I did when I first met you.” Los knew the feeling she was describing because he felt the same way about her. “I knew then that I couldn’t let you slip away.” Tears slid down her face as she sniffled and wiped them away. She chuckled lightly. “I even shocked myself at how easily and quickly I gave myself to you. I never told you it was my first time because I thought it would scare you away.” Los looked up to the ceiling and shut his eyes tightly. Damn he felt like shit; she was so sexy he assumed she was fuckin, he never knew it was her first time although he kinda suspected it could’ve been especially when she bled. He knew she was inexperienced that was a given it wasn’t hard to tell. Los just figured the dudes she’d been with in the past which he knew wasn’t many, either didn’t know what they were doing or wasn’t as well endowed as he was. “I’m sorry, I didn’t know. I had a feelin but then you said it wasn’t,” Los said stroking her cheek gently. Los felt guilty because he felt as if Lucky gave him something special, something she could never get back and to him at the time it was nothing more than meaningless sex. Lucky shrugged her shoulders, “I don’t regret it,” she said just above a whisper. “I tried to tell myself afterwards that the only reason I did it was because I was just so tired of being a virgin and curiosity got the best of me. I knew that wasn’t true though. I did it because as weird as this may sound I felt as if I
loved you. Since then, my love has grown even stronger for you, I can’t see my life without you,” Lucky said through tears. “I want you to know that I’ve never felt the type of love I feel for you for any man before including the man who helped create me. I’ve never loved like I love you, I would give my life for you and that’s how I know you’re the one. Now that we’re about to spend the rest of our lives together I had to let you in, lay myself bare. This is me, all my baggage and my hurt. I just need you to tell me you still love me the same,” Lucky cried with insecurity in her eyes. Carlos lifted himself from the bed and sat up. He reached out and cupped Lucky’s face into his hands looking her deep in the eyes “I love you, I’m not going nowhere. Your hurt is my hurt and when you cry I cry. I’ma hold you down forever. I plan on spending the rest of my life with you and you already know I would give my last breath for you. Do you understand that ma?” Lucky shook her head yes while trying to hold back more tears from falling. Los kissed her on the forehead then gently on her lips before pulling her down on top of his chest for the last time that night.
Los lay there staring at the ceiling holding Lucky tight as she drifted in and out of sleep twisting and turning as if those unpleasant memories from her past wouldn’t set her free not even in her sleep. Sleep wouldn’t come that easy for Los, he lie awake thinking about the secrets Lucky had confided in him. Los held her even tighter as he realized just how special and strong of a woman she truly was. Here she was beautiful both inside and out despite all she’d been through. Most chicks that experienced something as traumatic go bad. Instead she overcame all of that to be who she was today. He had to thank a higher power for giving her that strength. Most importantly the dynamics of their relationship began to get a whole lot clearer. How things turned from sugar to shit so drastically once he got caught out cheating. It was as if once he violated she started looking at him for a long while like all the other men in her life who’d hurt and betrayed her in the past. That’s why his infidelities hurt her so deeply. For so long he thought he was the cause of her changing, now he knew for sure he was just one component but that hurt and those scars been there long before he met her. A lesser man would run for the hills and be on some shit like ‘that bitch got issues’ but Los was man enough to stand by her and work through whatever came their way as he mended the damage that was caused to her heart. Yeah he was taking on a heavy load but fuck it; he would pick her up and put her on his back and carry her along with all her baggage because that’s what real men did when they loved a woman. He kissed Lucky on top of her head again as she let out a light snore. He knew for sure he’d found his forever.