It Is What it Is

by Ivory B.

  Carlito! Carlitooo! Lito ven aqui!” He screamed at the top of his lungs with base and urgency. Carlos could literally see something click inside his wife’s brain, those amber colored cat eyes of hers seemed to lighten right in front of him as she stopped dead in her tracks. Carlos was hoping and praying his sons’ heard him screaming over the video games they were most likely upstairs in their room playing. That was his main reason for running back inside the house. He knew it wasn’t wise to run back into the kitchen where his wife would have access to more knives but he thought his boys were still in the living room and would’ve heard the commotion. He knew his wife wouldn’t do anything to hurt those boys, not even harm him in front of them knowing it would only hurt them in the long run, like it hurt him when his father murdered his mother in front of him.

  “Ha?” Carlos screamed from the top of the steps. “Dad you called me?” Carlos young innocent voice came from the top of the stairs. Everyone in the kitchen froze in place as if hearing his voice brought some clarity to the crazy situation at hand. Cathy placed the liquor bottle back down on the countertop, looking down at her bloody palms for the first time. She attempted to wipe the blood away on her shirt as she backed away from the counter in slight shock at what she’d done. “Did he call me too or just you?” they heard a second voice from the top of the stairs knowing it belonged to Nice. “I don’t know I heard my name. C’mon lets go see what he wants” they heard the boys starting to descend the stairs and Cathy looked mortified; Candace could see it in her eyes. Both Carlos and Cathy had blood smeared all over them like they were extras in a horror movie, Candace knew letting the boys see them like this wasn’t right. She walked past her sister stiffly half thinking Cathy might attack her but to her surprise she didn’t.

  “Hey what you two knuckleheads doing?” Candace sang trying desperately to mask the emotion in her voice. She intercepted both Nice and Carlos on their way down the stairs. “Auntie Candy Cane!” Carlos yelled. “I didn’t know you was here, you staying the night? You wanna play hide and seek with us?” He asked excitedly. Candace was his favorite Aunt. She would often sit and play with both him and Nice for hours at a time. Candace swallowed hard and stared at Carlos smiling face. She didn’t say anything instead she pulled him into a hug and held him tight, she knew this might very well be the last time she got the chance to do this. She’d doted on and loved Carlos since the day he was born. But she knew things would never ever be the same with the family after today. Candace pulled Nice into a hug too and promised to be up to play a game with them before she left even though she knew she wouldn’t.

  Meanwhile back in the kitchen Cathy and Carlos Sr. stared at one another silently from opposite sides of the kitchen. Carlos heart sank as he watched silent tears run down Cathy’s face. Looking into her eyes it was obvious she was devastated he wished he could take the pain she was feeling away. He’d rather be experiencing the type of pain she was feeling. He fouled up something awful but he still loved his wife always would. Carlos made a silent declaration to himself that he would make her look at him with the same love in her eyes she used to if it was the last thing he did. He stayed silent as he listened to Candace talk the boys into going back upstairs. He didn’t want the boys to come downstairs and see them like this, calling Carlito was only a bluff to make Cathy come to her senses. “I love you,” Carlos mouthed to Cathy staring her in the eyes. Cathy jerked as if his words hurt before closing her eyes so that she wouldn’t have to see him professing love he obviously didn’t feel.

  She thought her love was strong and deep enough to change him but she was obviously wrong. Carlos came to her so bruised and damaged she didn’t know what to do with him at first. He’d reminded her of one of those beautiful gift boxes with the big bows under the local mall’s trees during Christmas season. Those gift boxes were beautifully wrapped, enticing, putting smiles on many admirers faces but they were empty. And that’s exactly how Showtime had come to her all the glitz and glam of a beautifully wrapped box with close to nothing inside. And after fighting through all of his fences and bravado to have him trust and love in her he pulled this.

  Carlos approached Cathy with caution wanting to avoid any further confrontation but his heart was breaking witnessing his other half so hurt. “I love you Kit Cat I swear I do. I’m so sorry; I never meant to hurt you.” Carlos whispered while wrapping his arms around his wife. He lowered his head and placed his cheek on top of her head. He held her tighter as her muffled sobs shook her body. She felt like a fool but she couldn’t stop her body from falling prisoner to his embrace. “How could you do this? You are not even human to do something like this, you’re heartless. I gave you all of me, all my love and that wasn’t good enough. I nearly lost my life bringing your son into this world and this is how you repay me,” Cathy ranted in an angry whisper. Cathy could feel his tears drip on her neck as he buried his head in the crook of her neck. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, it only happened once and I swear it will never happen again. It was a mistake Cat please,” he pleaded through quivering lips with lots of emotion. Cathy pulled from his embrace and stared up at him shaking her head back and forth with disappointment and disgust. Carlos swallowed hard and licked his dry lips, seeing his wife stare at him with loveless eyes nearly broke him. “Cat I’m hurting, can you please call Phatz and tell him to bring me somewhere to get stitched up please.” Cathy looked down at the floor for the first time realizing there was a small puddle of blood that had accumulated from him standing there for the few minutes he had. Her heart ached from his betrayal but she still loved him. She grabbed the cordless off the countertop and called his partner in crime. “Phatz you need to get out here and bring Showtime to get medical attention he’s been cut.” “What?!” Phatz screamed she could hear him shooting off questions she was mentally unable to answer. “Just get out here.” Cathy said over his ranting before hanging up. She wiped her tear stained face willing herself to be strong and not shed another tear in front of a man who took advantage of the fact she loved him more than the air she breathed. “After you go and get stitched up, I want you to get your shit and get your lying, cheating, ass outta my house. I’ll be contacting a lawyer in the morning, I want a divorce.” Carlos closed his eyes when she said that dreaded D word. His heart dropped to his toes sending a lone tear to run down his cheek. He would let her say her peace but he couldn’t let her go. He’d told her long ago that divorce wasn’t an option in their marriage. They’d made a vow for better or for worst and yes they were definitely at their worst but the only way anyone of them was leaving this marriage was in a body bag. Cathy stepped around him and proceeded to go upstairs when her sister came around the corner to enter the kitchen. She’d been at the landing listening and peeking around the corner at the couple. It was obvious from the way her sister crumbled in his arms that their love was still strong. She nearly choked on her tongue when she heard Carlos chocking on tears and pleading. Candace had believed in her young mind that if they’d broke up, he’d settle with her especially since she had his seed growing inside of her. By all accounts it seemed as if he were trying to salvage his damaged marriage. Cathy stopped dead in her tracks as she came face to face with her sister. She’d always took Candace crush on her husband as being an innocent teenage crush. Figuring Candace would get her own little boyfriend and Carlos would be a thing of the past, she was obviously wrong. Cathy cocked her fist back and gave Candace a left hook that laid her on her back. Candace howled out in pain bringing her hands to her throbbing face. “Bitch you lucky I don’t stomp that baby outta you right now,” Cathy snarled standing over Candace with a menacing glare. Candace rolled into a fetal position heeding Cathy’s threat. Cathy shook her head in disgust as she stared at her younger sister whimpering and slithering on the floor like the snake she was. She took one last look at her husband who was leaning against the kitchen counter for support while holding his bleeding arm. “Both of you muthafuckas deserve each other,” Cathy spat before exiting the kitchen.<
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  Cathy tossed and turned in her sleep as images flashed before her eyes in random order. The sounds of a baby crying while her husband tried mercilessly to calm it with his patience wearing thin while Nice and Los stood close by hanging over his shoulder, was the next scene. Cathy came storming out of the kitchen unable to take the screams of Jah any longer. “Give him to me,” she demanded. Carlos hesitated for only half a second, her request throwing him for a loop since this was Cathy’s very first time ever interacting or touching Jah. Usually when he brought him home on the weekends Cathy kept her distance. Nearly on contact Cathy was able to sooth Jah while cradling and rocking him gently. Cathy couldn’t deny or ignore the connection she felt towards the infant in her arms. “Ma you see our cousin?” Kamar boasted. “Yeah that’s our baby cousin, he’s tiny, I’m gonna teach him how to ride a bike when he gets bigger,” Carlos Jr. added his face lit up in amusement as he touched one of Jah’s sock clad little feet. Both Cathy and Showtime locked eyes on one another as they listened to the family secret roll off the boy’s tongues.

  The next scene was her standing in back of the funeral home looking down at her husband. His eyes were closed and his hands folded across his chest. The once beautiful man was now reduced to someone she barely recognized. His head was misshapen and deformed looking from the bullet that had taken half of it away. She’d requested a closed casket because she wouldn’t give the killer or killers the satisfaction of witnessing her husband as he was now. Cathy leaned in and gave him a tender kiss on his cheek whispering a thank you in his ear. She meant that from the bottom of her heart, she thanked him for making her a woman, for showing her what love was and most importantly for blessing her with three men that she knew would take care of her in his absence. Their love was anything but perfect but it was real that she knew for sure. Cathy wished that her tears or even a kiss on her husband’s lips could wake him from the eternal rest he was currently in, but this was no fairytale and no amount of tears would ever bring him back to life. “Why’d you have to leave me?” she whispered in his ear before gently wiping one of her tears from his clay like face full of makeup. He’s not hurting Cat he’s not in pain, this is not your husband just a shell of the man he once was, he’s okay, he’s okay. She’d been telling herself this from the moment she had to identify his body at the morgue. Right now she needed that mental pep talk more than ever. She walked over to Kyndle’s casket and shook her head. He’d lived a fast life, witnessed so much tragedy only to lose his own life at such a young age. It was hard not to feel bad for the way his life ended; this was the same little boy she babysat many years ago. He was Showtime’s protégé and Nice’s older brother. He’d died right beside Showtime so it was only fitting in Cathy’s eyes that he be laid to rest in the same plot she had for her own family. Cathy gave him a kiss on his cheek and whispered for him to rest in peace. She was so shaken up she nearly lost her balance when she went to take a few steps away from the caskets. The funeral director reached out to try and aid her in walking but she pushed him away. She couldn’t appear weak or vulnerable especially in front of these boys who needed her right now.

  Kamar was giving Cathy the most worry; he’d been too quiet which wasn’t like him at all. He’d shut himself off inside his room for days not letting anyone in except for Los. Traumatized was an understatement to what he must’ve been feeling, Kamar suffered a double whammy; he’d lost his beloved older brother and Carlos Sr. Cathy was concerned about him being able to pull through this although, she knew he was so much like his father he’d be more than okay. Then she looked at her husband’s namesake, he was always exceptionally close to his father and everyone knew that. Carlos Sr. could come off harsh at times or harder on Carlos only because he saw something special in him. Carlito was his father all over again but Cathy would be damned if he ended up like his father. Last but not least there was Jah; he hiccupped through muffled tears and paced back and forth. He was the youngest and probably the most fragile right now. He’d lost his mother a few years ago and he’d been the one to find her sitting in the living room dead. Jah always had a special place in Showtime’s heart and anyone could tell that much was true. They would spend quality time together often, just father and son. Showtime felt especially responsible for Jah since he was his only living parent whether anyone knew it or not. She heard her husband’s voice say “It’s a time and place for everything.” She heard it so clear so vividly it was as if he were standing right beside her. He was absolutely right this wasn’t the time nor place to tell them the truth, then again there would probably never be a right time or place.

  Cathy walked over to all three of them and opened her arms wide pulling them into a group hug. Tears fell from her eyes freely as she heard the low, deep, growl of their pain as they wept. “I know, I know we’ll be alright” she assured. “I’ll give you boys some time to cry and let it out but I want you to wipe those tears and leave them in here when you step out there to bid your farewells. I don’t wanna see not one tear. Don’t give these bastards the satisfaction of seeing you broken. You know your father and uncle would never have allowed that.” Cathy wiped her eyes and held out her hands for Carlos and Nice to grab each one. Carlos reached out for Jah’s hand and all four of them walked out together and that’s exactly how it had always been. If they didn’t have anyone in this world they had each other. Cathy jolted out of her sleep with tears streaming down her face. Her throat was tight and her body was trembling. She attempted to get up from the couch but her legs weren’t strong enough to hold her so she lay there crying in the dark. It had been so long years to be exact since she’d had that dream and woke up out of her sleep crying. The fight with her sister had shed light on those dark secrets in her past.

  Cathy was afraid of these revelations tearing her family apart from the inside out. She had no idea how the boys would take it. Would Jah feel some type of animosity? Would he feel cheated that he had to grow up with the lie that Carlos Sr. was his Uncle? Would Nice feel the same way? Would he blame Showtime or better yet her for having him believe that he was adopted and there was nothing more to it? Would the boys’ relationships with each other fall apart? Would Jah and Nice blame Carlos for being the only son that their father had ever claimed as his own although Carlos himself had nothing to do with it? She wrecked her brain with so many different scenarios she hadn’t realized it was morning until she heard the annoying chirp of birds outside her window. Finally she went to bed sending up a silent prayer to her grandmother, she needed her guidance and wisdom right now more than ever.

  Three days later Cathy had finally made peace with her demons. It had taken nearly two days of restless nights for her to come to the conclusion that the boys needed to know the truth. She was scared but there was no turning back now since she had already sent out a group text saying she needed to see them and talk to them about something. She’d made it clear that she only wanted them to come, meaning she wanted them to leave the women in their lives at home. Cathy had nothing against the ladies she loved them just as her boys did but she thought it would be a better situation if she only talked to them first. Cathy had been on pins and needles raking her brain with the possibility of Vera spilling the beans to them first. And because she never wanted to give anyone that type of power over her she chose to come clean first.

  She’d decided to make some of the boys’ favorite dishes and talk to them over dinner. Her cell phone rang as she was bending down to take her baked Mac & Cheese out of the oven. “Oh shit!” Cathy complained under her breath nearly burning her arm. “Hello” she answered slightly flustered about tonight. “Hey…hey Auntie Cat.” She heard Tiffany answer hesitantly. Cathy rolled her eyes. She’d been avoiding Vera’s phone calls ever since their blow up and honestly she wouldn’t have picked up if she knew it was Tiffany. Cathy had nothing to say to Vera. “Auntie don’t hang up,” Tiffany rushed to say. “I’m calling to let you know my mom been admitted to the hospital this morning for stomach pain. She was throwing
up blood they say it’s her liver.” Cathy’s breathing stopped momentarily. Yes her sister was a pain in the ass but it was still her sister. “Well what’s going on now? What hospital she at?” Cathy rambled off questions with concern. Tiffany brought Cathy up to speed with all of her mother’s information including her room number and what hospital she was in. “She keeps asking for you Auntie,” Cathy rolled her eyes to the ceiling and shook her head back and forth. “I don’t know why you and mom was fighting but you guys are sisters and she needs you. Y’all already lost one sister all y’all got is each other. I know my mom ain’t the easiest to get along with Auntie trust me I had to grow up with her.” Cathy stood silent for a few long minutes partly ashamed that it had to be her niece to point out how childish both she and Vera were being right now. “Okay Tee Tee I’ll give your mother a call.” Cathy said calling Tiffany her childhood nickname. “Okay,” Tiffany responded with a smile in her voice before hanging up.