Alluring Turmoil

by Skye Turner

  I walk back into my bathroom and brush my teeth before crawling into bed. It’s been a long, exhausting day and I know things are not going to get any easier as long as Jude is in town. I stare at the ceiling and try to figure out a plan for dealing with things in my head.

  Before I get too comfortable, I find myself slithering out of bed and onto my floor. I move things around under my bed, until I find what I’m looking for.

  I pull out the dusty box and brush off the top. Then I simply look at it for awhile. Eventually, I just decide to open it. The box is filled with notes, old journals, ticket stubs, and photos. So many photos. I slowly start to pull things out.

  As I look through the photos, I can’t help but smile. There are so many, and in most of them, it’s three smiling faces: Erik, Jude, and me. It’s almost as if they are a series of screenshots from the movie of our lives. They start out with us as kids, some in diapers, and we’re always together. I can clearly see when Erik started to fill out and when I went from awkward, gangly teen to young woman. What I’ve never noticed before though is how you can plainly see when my feelings for Jude started to change. In the photos around the time I’m thirteen, I’m no longer looking at the camera and smiling. I’m looking at Jude and smiling while he and Erik are looking at whoever has the camera. When I’m sixteen, the longing on my face is so obvious. I’m kind of embarrassed.

  But then, around the time I’m seventeen, the photos change again. It’s no longer the three of us all smiling together, or me staring dreamily at Jude. In these photos, Jude and I are looking at each other with our arms wrapped around one another, smiling while Erik looks on. His happiness at our being together is evident, or he’s smiling at the camerawhile Jude and I are engrossed in each other. In most of the photos of Jude and me alone, Erik is the one taking the photo.

  The last picture, the photo at the very bottom of the box, the one that is wrinkled and worn from handling it so much, is just of the two of us. Our arms are wrapped around each other. His guitar is lying on the ground at our feet and he’s holding the band’s recording contract in his hand. He’s smiling his trademark smile at the camera and you can see the joy on his face. He’s holding me so tightly there’s not a centimeter of space between our bodies. And on my face, on my face is a smile, but also in my eyes, there’s a hint of fear.

  Before I know it, the tears are once again rolling down my face, and my heart is hurting for all that I’ve lost. Hurting for the happy kids in those photos. Hurting because for all I’ve said and for as many years as have passed, I’m still the same girl I was in those photos. The same girl who was hopelessly in love with a boy. The same girl whose heart has always and will always belong to Jude Delecroix.

  With that realization, I lay on the floor, holding the photo; the photo that was the beginning of the end, and cry myself to sleep.

  Jude

  I’m not sure what time it is. It has to be late. Or early, depending on how you view it.

  I’ve been under our tree for hours just staring at the stars and listening to the barges pass along the river. I’ve never been that guy who talks about his feelings. I sing about my feelings. It’s my passion, my escape. And people listen. People can relate to my music. With everything flowing through my head right now, I’m wishing I had my guitar and a notebook. I think I could write another hit album.

  I’ve written so many songs about her, about Lexi. But I doubt she knows. People assume they know, but they don’t. Everyone thinks they know me, but the truth is no one really knows me. No one outside of the band. Not anymore. They think the guy on TV and in the magazines is who I am, but it’s not me. Not the real me, that I’ve kept hidden for years. No one knows the me that I am when I’m complete. Eight years of meaningless sex with so many girls… I can’t even remember half of their faces. Hell, half of them I never even knew their names.

  Right now, I can understand the revulsion on Lexi’s face. I’m repulsed by myself.

  I’ve even had a couple of relationships, but nothing lasting. Not anything where anyone could break through the wall protecting what’s left of my heart. There was the supermodel I dated for about six months who finally realized I wasn’t joking when I said I didn’t love her and would never love her. There was the actress I dated for over a year, but neither of us wanted anything other than the hot sex and the press our being together gave us, so it ended. And then, last year there was the singer for the opening band on our tour. We hooked up the entire time we were on the road and had a lot of fun, but again neither of us was really interested or open to anything more. The tour ended, and we went our separate ways. Sure, we still hook up when we’re in the same place at the same time, but that only happens around award season.

  In my life, in twenty-seven years, there’s been only one woman I’ve opened my heart to. One woman who has owned me, owned my heart, and once she broke it, there wasn’t even a fragment big enough to accommodate anyone else.

  I thought my heart was dead. I thought I was empty… but after tonight, after seeing her again, it’s beating. Painfully so, but at least it’s beating again. It’s telling me that no matter what, it still wants what it’s always wanted. It wants what completes it, the reason it beats… it wants Lexi. I want Lexi.

  I’m Jude Delecroix, dammit, and I am going to do whatever it takes to figure this out! Because now that I’m being honest with myself again, now that I feel alive again, instead of just existing, I’m a man on a mission. And my mission is to get Alexia Sloane to fall in love with me again… only this time… this time she’s not walking away. She’s mine. She’s always been mine, and this time, dammit this time, I’m fucking keeping her!

  With that mantra flying through my veins, I start my bike back up and head back towards town, back towards the woman who will once again be in my life.

  As I turn onto the River Road… I notice the sign.

  Time to play hardball.

  Chapter Seven

  Lexi

  I awaken to bright light and somehow I’m back in my bed with my sheets spread over me. I sigh, Erik.

  I feel something in my hand and look to see what it is. The photo of Jude and me. I never let it go last night… not even in my sleep. I look at it, smile slightly, and sit up with new determination.

  I’m twenty-six years old. I’m a successful business owner and a responsible, mature adult. Things will be normal with Jude and me. He’s in town again. He was a very important part of my life for a very long time. Avoiding him is impossible in a town this size, so starting today, I’m going to be the mature, responsible adult everyone knows. I’m going to talk to Jude. Things may be awkward, but we have to find a way to be friends again. It’s time to forgive the past and move on. I need to move on.

  Lord, please let me move on.

  Besides, it’s not like he’s going to stay here, so I can certainly handle it and keep my emotions under control for the short time he’s in town.

  Suddenly there’s a knock at the bedroom door and a strong hand holding a cup of coffee appears around it. “Lex, you awake, love? Are you decent?”

  “Would it matter if I wasn’t, E?” I say with a giggle. “It’s not like you’ve never seen me naked, or like you’ll jump me!”

  He pushes the door open and I take in his mussed up, sleep hair and the bristle on his face. He’s only wearing a pair of low riding lounge pants, and those Men’s Health magazine abs and chest are on full display. He really is mouthwatering. I start to laugh and once I start, I can’t stop.

  He hands me the cup of coffee, then strikes a pose with a smirk because he’s noticed me checking out the goods, and says, “Something amusing, Miss Sloane?”

  This makes me laugh even harder. So I grab my stomach to try to contain myself and manage to get out between laughs, “No, E, not at all. Just me. I’m a piece of work, that’s all. Just taking in your male perfection and thinking if things were different, and you were into girls, that I’d jump your bones. ‘Cause baby, it’s not even
fair that you look like that and you’re in my bedroom with me in my skivvies, and you, with everything on display. What a fucking display it is too. But yeah, so not fair.” I laugh again and stick my tongue out at him.

  He grins and jumps on the bed with me, catching himself with those tree trunk arms before he crushes me, and starts tickling me. “Well, Miss Sloane, I’m flattered that you find my total package so amazingly awesome. Well, not my total package,” he corrects. He kisses my head and hugs me close and I burrow into him. “Lex, if I was straight, you’d be in trouble. You are beautiful. I don’t think you even realize how gorgeous you really are. You always have been and you just get better with age. You captivate people.”

  I sigh and roll onto my back, and he places his arm behind my head as we both look at my ceiling. He picks up the photo that has fallen to the mattress in our playfulness and gives it a deep look. I see him looking at it and the worry lines between his brows, as he lets out a long sigh. “I lied. I don’t hate him, E,” I whisper.

  “I know, love. Believe me, I know,” he replies still looking at the photo.

  He sits up and pulls me into a sitting position as well, stretching his legs on either side of mine and arranging me between them, with my back against his chest.

  “Do you miss him, E? I know that when we split, you chose me. You loved him too. Do you miss him?”

  He places the photo on my lap and looks straight ahead while answering my question. “Honestly, yes, I miss him. I miss my friend. I miss the guy I grew up with and loved like a brother. I miss the guy he was when he finally took his head out of his ass and admitted his feelings for you. I miss the three of us. And I didn’t choose you. I love you, and you were hurting and needed me. I swore to you, and to him, that I’d always protect you. You and me against the world, remember?”

  “I remember. Ok, well enough of this… we can’t change the past. What’s done is done, and we’ve both done ok. But it’s a busy day and Java and Sweeties isn’t going to run itself. I have a long day of baking ahead of me preparing for the Masons’ wedding, and I plan on helping you in the front today too, so get your sexy ass out of my bed and get dressed.”

  Erik raises a brow at my bossy tone and says, “Yes ma’am, Boss. So, you’re really ok?”

  “I am ok. Something has to change and I plan on doing what I can to move on with Jude. Things will never be like they were, but we have to coexist and it’s time to forgive him. And smartass, I am not your boss! We’re partners 50/50.”

  He hops off my bed and gives me a salute. “Ok, as long as you’re certain that’s what you want to do, I’m behind you. You know that. Now hop to it! You’ve got half an hour before this train is leaving the station.”

  Two hours later, I’m in my element. I’m covered in flour in the kitchen of Java and Sweeties. I pop the last cake pan for the seven tier wedding cake into the oven, set the timer, and go to the sink to wash my hands. I take a quick look in the mirror to make sure I’m presentable and head to the shop to help Erik out with the customers, and make sure everything is running smoothly.

  As usual, we’re packed. A couple of chairs are empty in the shop, but for the most part, the place is buzzing. People are talking quietly, pecking away at laptops, writing in notebooks, or drinking their coffee.

  A few of our regulars are enjoying their muffins, cakes, cookies, and sweet treats from the bakery display case. I decide to replenish the display after asking Erik if he needed help making the cappuccinos and lattes. He reassured me that he and the other baristas had it under control.

  On my third trip to the display case from the kitchen, the door opens and I feel the air suddenly charge. I finish the petit four display I’ve been working on, before wiping my hands, and slowly raising my head. My eyes meet and hold uncertain hazel eyes.

  I take in his appearance. Today he’s wearing regular jeans that hug his thighs, an old LSU t-shirt, showing off the now full sleeves of tattoos on both arms, and a beat up LSU ball cap. His aviators are sitting on top of the crown of his cap.

  “Hello, Lex. Good morning. Everything looks wonderful.”

  I take a second to breathe and swallow because my throat suddenly feels dry. “Good morning, Jude. Everything is wonderful. Is there something I can get for you?”

  That was good. See I can be calm. Shit! Who am I kidding? I’m not calm! My heart is racing and my hands are shaking like a leaf. At least he can’t see them. Thank God this display case is so high. Wow, he looks amazing, like he just stepped out of the pages of Rolling Stone magazine. Shit, did I get all the flour off? Did I miss some on my face? Is that why he’s looking at me like this? Ugh, this is so unnerving.

  Jude gives a slight shake of his head, like he’s having an internal debate as well. He looks down at the display case and is suddenly distracted. “Are those red velvet brownies? Wow! Do you make all of this stuff, Lex?”

  I hear the words coming out of his mouth, but it’s as if there’s a delayed connection between my ears and my brain. Finally they register. Thankfully it’s only been a few seconds, and not the minutes it’s felt like. “Um, yes. Red velvet brownies with my special cream cheese icing. And yes, I do make all of this. I bake everything here,” I say with pride.

  “This place is amazing, Lex. I mean it,” he says, looking around, taking the room in. “It looks like business is good. You should be proud. This was your dream and you did it.” He clears his throat. “I’ll take three of those brownies and a black coffee.”

  “Three? You want three brownies? These are pretty big. And rich. And you now drink coffee?”

  He smiles sheepishly, showing me a glimpse of the old Jude, my Jude. “Yeah well, um, red velvet is still my weakness. I could make myself sick with it. And, um, no. Not actually. I still hate the stuff. But this is a coffee shop, right?”

  I’m secretly thrilled. I have never understood my need to always have the red velvet brownies on hand, but I now understand that it’s because of Jude. They’re just brownies, but they are his favorite and by always having them here, it’s kind of like having a piece of him here with me.

  Oh boy. I am so screwed.

  I laugh lightly and smile back. “Yes, this is in fact a coffeehouse. But we do serve other things. Tea, milk, water, juice, smoothies… Have you ever actually been in a coffeehouse?”

  Well look at that. Jude Delecroix and I are talking to each other and smiling. This is surreal, but I kind of like it. Whoa girl. Down… Let’s not get ahead of ourselves. Breathe, just breathe.

  I cannot believe it, Jude blushes. “Yes, I actually have been in a coffee shop. Honestly, I don’t know why I said that. I’m out of my comfort zone here and, well, I’ll have water. Would you um, would you join me for a bit?”

  Oh my God! What did he just say? I’m hallucinating. There is no way in hell he just asked me to join him, is there? I’m projecting what I want to hear and not hearing what he actually said, right?

  “Um… what?”

  Jude’s cheeks get pinker and he starts shuffling his feet from side to side. “Well, I asked if you wanted to join me for a bit, for a cup of coffee. Well, you can have coffee. I’ll just have my water. Not that you have to drink coffee, you can drink whatever you want. I mean if you want to. Join me that is. You don’t have to. Shit. What I meant was will you join me for a cup of coffee, Lex?”

  “You want to have coffee? With me? Right now?” I sputter out.

  “Yes. If you have time, I want to have a cup of coffee with you. Here. Right now. So, what do you say?”

  “Oh, um, well ok. I have a little time. Uh, take a seat and I’ll grab your water and brownies and meet you at the table, ok?” My heart is racing and I can’t quite hear around the buzzing in my head. But I somehow manage to gather three brownies and water for Jude. I grab a stick of biscotti and a café au lait for myself, and manage to get to the table without falling on my face.

  Jude

  She said yes. Hell yes! She said yes. She’s having coffee with me. I c
annot believe I sounded like a blubbering fifteen year old just now, but she said yes. Things are going to work out. I didn’t think she’d say yes. So, we’ll have coffee and then before I leave, I’ll ask her to dinner. Tonight, I have the rehearsal for the show, but I can meet her for dinner after that. Yeah, that’s what I’ll do; only maybe I’ll pick her up. Yes, that’s it; I’ll pick her up on my bike and take her to dinner. Things are going to work out and be different this time.

  Lexi sets the brownies on the table between us and hands me my water before taking her seat across from me. I look over at the counter, where Erik is semi-glowering at me and looking at Lex like he wants to grab her and run. I nod my head at him to tell him to relax. He grimaces, but nods back and with one more look at us, starts making another coffee.

  Lexi nervously takes a sip of her coffee and it’s still hot, so she drops the cup as she burns her mouth. A little spills onto the table. “Are you ok? Did you hurt yourself?” I exclaim as I grab some napkins from the dispenser and mop up the spill.

  She taps her mouth and looks at me. “I’m ok. I just drank too soon. But I’m fine. Here, let me clean up my mess.” And she grabs for the napkins.

  She grabs my hand holding the napkins and electricity shoots straight from her hand into mine. We both freeze and look up. Our eyes lock and it’s like we’re the only two people in the room.

  We stay that way seemingly forever, both just staring, neither moving our hands. I watch her breathing get erratic and her pupils start to dilate with lust. It feels like someone is grabbing my throat, making it impossible to draw a full breath. My blood starts rushing through my veins and my hand is molten hot where hers is lying on top of it. I see her watching my eyes and the moment she notices my own pupils start to expand.

  I want to grab her and throw her onto the table right in the middle of the coffee shop. I want to undo her skirt and rip off her panties. I want to plunge my throbbing dick into her again and again and stake my claim. The hell with everyone else, I want her. I want her now. I want what’s mine.