A Life Worth Living

by Lorrie Kruse

He gave her half a grin. “Believe me, babe, there’s plenty you can help with.”

  Her gaze dropped, and she seemed to fold into herself. His heart fluttered. He looked forward, but he could still see her lowered eyes. He leaned his head back and stared through the front window. Was it possible for them to make it through this together, as a couple, intact to the end?

  Fifteen minutes later, his father pulled into the parking lot for the apartment complex owned by Jenny and Faith’s parents. This time, as he readied himself for the transfer, Crystal stood well off to the side. Out of the interference zone but still in the viewing section. He could feel her staring at him with that sad expression as he hauled his body into the chair. Steadying himself with one hand, he positioned his legs while she watched. His legs might not move on their own, but at least his toes did. That was sure to impress her down the road. Look honey, I can’t stand, but look at those toes. Aren’t you glad you married such a talented man?

  His eyes met hers, and his stomach somersaulted when she quickly looked away. Yeah, she was impressed.

  They barely made it inside the building when Kaylee came running down the hallway. Matt pulled her onto his lap and laughed as she covered his face with slobbery kisses. At least some things never changed.

  “Go ride,” she said as she bounced on him.

  It wasn’t easy to wheel the chair with a load on his lap, but he’d been practicing for an occasion such as this.

  “Well, look at you,” Faith said as he wheeled into the apartment. She looked like a shorter, wider, younger version of his sister-in-law. She waved him forward. “It’s so good to have you here.”

  Without moving an inch, she gave him the grand tour. “Kitchen,” she said pointing behind her. A point to the right. “Living room.” She held out her left arm. “Down there’s the bathroom and the spare bedroom, where your parents will room. Across the hall is my bedroom, where you can sleep.”

  He lowered Kaylee to the ground. “I’m not going to kick you out of your bed. I can sleep on the couch or something.” The couch looked comfortable enough. In fact, he wouldn’t mind trying it out right away. Just a quick nap. Take the edge off after this morning’s therapy session.

  “What? And take away my claim to fame?” Faith pressed her hands to her chest and laughed. “You did know that the goal of practically every girl at Fuller Lake High back in the day was to be your girlfriend, didn’t you? Having you sleeping in my bed is good enough to make them all jealous.”

  He figured she was greatly exaggerating his role in the high school girls’ dreams, but he felt heat rise to his cheeks, anyhow. He laughed like it was an inside joke. “I doubt your husband is as thrilled.”

  At the mention of her husband, her eyes sparkled the way Crystal’s used to, once upon a very long time ago. “Russ knows my heart is with him.” She nodded at the bedroom. “Come on. I’ll show you to your digs.”

  “This is a nice place,” Matt said as he followed her down the hallway. “Very efficient use of space.”

  “I’m willing to give it all up. First person I find to manage the building that Mom and Dad approve of, the job and this lovely apartment is all theirs.” She led him into the room on the left and plopped onto the bed. “It’s not like it’s a hard job or anything, but I’m just tired of the hassle of trying to keep up with everything. It was fun when Russ was here.” She shrugged. “Not so much fun with him gone.”

  “How long’s he gonna be in Afghanistan?”

  “Five more months. Then, when he comes back stateside, he’s going to Fort McCoy for a year, but at least I can be with him. Mom and Dad’ll just have to come back and watch their own damn apartments then because nothing’s going to keep me from being with Russ.” She sat there for a moment wearing a lonely expression. She sighed and pushed herself off the bed. “Well, anyhow, this is where you’ll sleep tonight.”

  Jenny winked at Matt when they reemerged in the living room. “What were you doing with my baby sister for so long in there? Fulfilling all her high school dreams?”

  Matt glanced at Crystal. A comment like that normally would have earned him a stare with narrowed eyes even though she knew it was only a joke. Now, she kept her eyes on the magazine on her lap. His heart gave an uncomfortable thump.

  He pushed his head higher. Crystal was secure in their love, that’s all. She knew she had no reason to be jealous.

  His mother pushed herself off her kitchen chair. “Esther told us to put you into as many real-life situations as possible. What would you like to do, Matt?”

  Sleep. Except, he didn’t think that was what his mom had in mind.

  “Real life?” Brad said. “That’d mean we men stay here and repair crap while you girls go out and spend our hard-earned money.”

  “Don’t you mean you sit in front of the TV watching sports while we buy you snack foods?” Jenny’s crossed arms didn’t seem very threatening with the smile she was wearing.

  “No, I think Brad’s right,” Matt said, liking the idea. Park himself in front of the TV. Close his eyes. Just for a little while. “I’m sure there are lots of odds and ends that need repair. If I know Dad, he’s got tools with him.”

  “I think we should go to the mall,” Crystal said.

  Matt grinned. Sometimes Brad came up with the best ideas.

  “All of us,” Crystal said. “You men, included.”

  “What?”

  “The mall is packed with real-life. You’ve got curbs and crowds and…I don’t know. But I’m sure it’d be a good place to go.”

  “Need a new pair of shoes, do you?” Matt teased.

  “No.” So much indignation was packed into the miniscule word.

  “I think Crystal’s on the right track,” his father said. “Real life is annoying and there’s nothing worse than a mall, so that means it’s got to be the right choice.”

  Great. Not only was he not getting a nap, but he’d been sentenced to an afternoon in hell.

  §

  Ice cold grit soaked through Matt’s knit gloves as he wheeled through the brown slush in the mall parking lot. The only good thing he foresaw about shopping was that at least the floors would be dry and it would be warm inside.

  His father, just a few steps ahead of Matt, held open the door leading into the mall’s food court. A herd of giggling teenagers pushed past Matt in a steady stream, taking advantage of the open door without so much as a “thank you” or “excuse me.” He scrunched up his forehead and stared at the girls. What was he? Invisible?

  A frigid wind lifted his hair and stung his cheeks and ears while he waited on the wrong side of the doors. Back in the old days, he could have squeezed his way in between the anorexic girls and joined his waiting family. Not now.

  Seeing a break, Matt wheeled forward, only to be cut off by a mother pulling a screaming child behind her. He thought about saying “screw this” and heading back to the van, except that meant trudging through the slush again. Finally making it into the warmth of the building, Matt peeled off one wet glove and then the other. They’d never dry out in his coat pocket, but he didn’t know what else to do with them.

  “Ma…aatt,” Crystal cried. “Those things are filthy.”

  “You want me to throw ‘em away, or what?”

  She shook her head and rolled her eyes.

  A young woman swerved around Crystal and then paused for a heartbeat, her gaze trailing over Matt. Her mouth twisted and she looked away but not before radiating her unspoken thought. What a waste.

  He closed his eyes and breathed deeply and slowly. That lady was wrong. He wasn’t a waste. Still, he couldn’t wait for his body to finally recover. He was tired of being tied to a wheelchair. Tired of wet gloves and dirty hands. Tired of people staring at him…or through him. Tired of it all.

  He opened his eyes. “Let’s just get this over with, okay?”

  “Where would you like to go, dear?” his mother asked.

  Home. “I don’t care. Somewhere. Anywhere, other tha
n here.”

  “Penney’s,” Jenny said.

  “Build bear,” Kaylee suggested.

  “I’d like to go to Marshalls,” Crystal said.

  “Sounds like fun,” Brad said, his tone indicating he’d rather not go to any of those places. “How about you girls go ahead and us guys’ll check out that hat place we saw last week.”

  Hats? Yeah. Looking at hats was exactly what had first come to mind as a fun way to spend his time when he’d been told he was getting a weekend pass.

  “I think we should stick together,” his mother said. “This is Matt’s outing. He should decide.”

  He couldn’t imagine any place within the mall where he’d actually want to go, but the sooner they got going, the sooner they could go back to the apartment. “Marshalls.”

  Crystal beamed like she’d won a prize as she set off leading the way. Matt took up the rear, believing that his family would cut a path for him if they were in front. But just when he had a good speed going, his mother stopped, and he narrowly managed to swerve out of her way.

  “Give me a signal before you stop like that.” The words spilled out before he realized his lips had moved.

  “I’m sorry. Something just caught my eye. Jenny, look.” She pointed at a child’s dress hanging in the store window. “Wouldn’t Kaylee look adorable in that?”

  And just like that, he ended up inside Kidz Korner, about the last place he wanted to be. For fifteen minutes, he followed the girls through narrow aisles with Hello Kitty dresses and Sponge Bob T-shirts swinging and swaying against his chair.

  After two more detours, they finally reached Marshalls where Crystal headed directly to the shoe department.

  Jenny held up a pair of shoes. “These are so cute. Crystal, don’t you think so?”

  He must have really done something horrible to deserve this kind of torture.

  Crystal hung her purse on Matt’s push handle. “You don’t mind, do you, honey?” Without waiting for his answer, she turned her attention to her future sister-in-law. “Those would look nice with my pink jeans. And look at these.” She pulled a pair of boots off the display table.

  Before he knew it, Jenny had hung her purse and bags on his push handles, as well. He planted his elbow on the arm rest and propped up his head. At least he was useful.

  He glanced over at Kaylee parked next to him in her stroller. She was all strapped in, unable to move. Shit. He’d struggled through growing up to end up just like a two-year-old. Stuck in a rolling chair. Unable to move.

  Brad crouched down next to him and whispered, “Don’t worry. I figure one more store and they’ll forget we exist. Then we can go do something fun.”

  Two hours, one smoothie, and a soda later, the men were still stuck following the girls from store to store. His chair was decorated with enough shopping bags to start up his own mall. He’d been stared at and bumped into more times than he cared to count. He wanted nothing more than to go back to the apartment, spread himself out on the couch, and forget malls had ever been invented.

  “Are we about done?” he asked.

  “I’d like to check out the tool section at Sears,” his father said, peeling back the wrapper on a roll of Tums.

  “And we still need to stop by the hat place,” Brad answered.

  Traitors.

  He sighed. Loudly. “In that case, I need to use the can. Where’s the closest men’s room?”

  “There’s one right down there,” Crystal pointed.

  “Then, that’s where I’m headed.”

  He edged his way through the shoppers, going against the flow of traffic. Difficult enough of a task for the average, able-bodied person, it was compounded by the bulk of his chair and his inability to adjust directions quickly. Matt, seated below eye level, seemed to be invisible to the masses who were absorbed by their own little lives and agendas. He’d more than had his fill of crowds by the time he got to the restroom. Entering the quiet room was like stepping into heaven.

  He wheeled to the handicapped stall. Just as he put out his hand to push open the door, he noticed the “Out of Order” sign.

  “Damn.”

  He turned his chair, checking out the other stalls, none of which were designed for wheelchair entrance. What the hell good was having a handicapped stall if it wasn’t available when someone needed it?

  “Shit.”

  He left the sanctuary of the restroom and wheeled over to his father.

  “Done already?” his dad asked.

  Matt shook his head. “Where is everyone?”

  “Well, the girls decided to go to the bathroom, too, and your brother’s looking at T-shirts over there.” He thrust his chin at the next store.

  “Do you know where the next closest restroom is?”

  His father’s eyebrows raised, clearly wondering why Matt was asking. “About where we came in.”

  “Shit.” There was no way he was going to wheel up to a urinal where everyone and his brother could watch him shove a catheter into his pecker. But he couldn’t get inside a regular stall, and he didn’t want to wade through half a mall’s worth of people just to take a piss. The smoothie and the Coke no longer seemed like such a good idea.

  With help, he could probably get inside a stall. His dad’s help. The man he’d spent his life trying to impress. Now, he was supposed to ask his dad to get him on a shitter so he could take a piss.

  He rubbed the back of his neck. “Where’d you say Brad was?”

  “Right over there.”

  “I’ll be back.”

  He found his brother looking at a shirt that said, Carpenters Do it Level. “I need your help,” Matt said. “In the bathroom.”

  Brad raised an eyebrow. “I don’t have a magnifying glass.”

  Asking for help was hard enough without his brother’s wisecracks. “Just come help me, okay?”

  “Yeah, sure.”

  Matt wheeled into the men’s room and went to an open stall. “I need to get in there.”

  Brad looked at Matt, looked at the stall, and then looked back at his brother. “Can’t you hold it?”

  He wished he could. Damn, how he wished he could. “Just get in there and lift me up. I figure once you’ve got me up, you can swing me around.”

  Brad stood in the stall doorway. After putting his arms around Brad’s neck, Brad lifted him up. Halfway to his feet, Matt realized the fatal flaw in his plan. Before he could say a word, Brad had him standing. The weight of all of the shopping bags sent the wheelchair crashing over backward.

  Brad looked over Matt’s shoulder. “Damn, I hope there wasn’t anything breakable.”

  He almost hoped there was. “Maybe that’ll teach ‘em that my chair’s for me, not for them, that it’s not a hanger.” Mentally planning out his next steps, Matt again wished he had skipped the drinks so he wouldn’t be crowded into a toilet stall, relying on his brother’s help. “Hang on to me tight.”

  Feeling his brother’s arms tighten around him, Matt let go of his own grip and undid his button. At the sound of his zipper, Brad’s wary voice said, “What are you doing?”

  “What do you think? That I’m going to piss through my jeans?”

  “God. I hope nobody comes in here.”

  You and me both. He lowered his jeans. “Turn me around and help me sit down.”

  They wouldn’t have won points for style, but Brad managed to get Matt centered on the toilet. And then, Matt remembered. “Somewhere buried under all that crap out there is my pack. I need it.”

  “Now’s not the time to be fixing your makeup.”

  What they’d just done was bad enough, but to tell his brother what he needed totally pegged the embarrassment needle. “Just give me the damn pack, would you?”

  “No need to snap.” Brad dug out the pack, thrust it at his brother, and then slammed the stall door closed.

  For a moment, all Matt could do was breathe. In. Out. Forcing out the anger and the embarrassment. Drawing in hope that this wasn’t go
ing to be his life forever. The stall door opened a couple inches as Brad let go. He caught flashes of movement and determined that Brad must be gathering up the spilled bags, mumbling under his breath the whole time about being owed, big time.

  He didn’t like the door not being closed all the way, but at least there wasn’t anyone in the bathroom besides him and Brad. With one last deep breath, Matt opened the pack and took out a catheter. There wasn’t any place to set the pack, so he tucked it under his arm and tried to work with his arm squeezed tightly to his side. On the other side of the door, Brad continued to grumble.

  Just as Matt finished, Brad said, “I’ll be right back.”

  Back? “Where are you going?”

  The only answer he got was the sound of his chair being wheeled away. His chair. His freedom. “Wait,” he shouted. “I’m done. Get your ass back here.”

  Like any good big brother, Brad ignored him.

  “Damn it.” Matt slammed his fist against the metal divider.

  He was stuck in a damn toilet stall, of all places. He could imagine Brad standing outside in the hallway, laughing at how he’d pulled a good one.

  “Damn it.” He slammed the divider again, but he was just as trapped as before.

  With a deep breath, he coiled the catheter back into its wrapper and jammed it in the pack. He stared at the backside of the toilet-stall door and waited. Thanks to the efficient mall maintenance employee who took his job way too seriously, there wasn’t even any graffiti to read as he passed the time.

  “He took my frigging chair,” he mumbled while his shoulder muscles knotted. A lot of good the chair was if he was still dependent on others. He squeezed his eyes closed and breathed deeply and slowly, trying to force a sense of calm.

  It was okay. Brad would come back. He wouldn’t be stuck here forever.

  As if to prove him correct, the outside door opened. Brad. Finally. But where were the sounds of his wheels rolling across the floor and the creak of the chair?

  The door banged open, hitting Matt in the legs. It opened just enough to expose a gray-haired man, his eyes and mouth opened wide. And just enough to expose Matt to the man.

  Perfect. Just perfect. Matt looked down, taking his eyes off the man who continued to stand there.