Tethered

by L. D. Davis

  “I’m sorry,” he said as he stared at me in disbelief. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that. I panicked.”

  He moved toward me, but I stepped back away from him.

  “Don’t touch me,” I warned icily.

  “Princess,” he said softly and held out his hand.

  “Get out,” I said and pointed to the door.

  “You’re kicking me out?” he asked. He looked at the door and then at me.

  “Get out!” I screamed.

  Dusky stood at my side, barking and growling at Jerry, as if to say “Didn’t you hear mommy? Get the hell out!”

  He looked at me for a moment longer and then cursed in his native language as he stormed over to the closet by the door. He took out his coat but didn’t put it on. He grabbed his keys and opened the door. Cold winter air blew in and made me shiver. Jerry gave me one last look as if he expected me to change my mind, but I remained silent. He shook his head and muttered something I couldn’t hear before walking out, closing the door behind him.

  I held my breath for a few seconds until I heard the distinct sound of his C+amaro starting.

  “Fuck!” I burst and shook my hand. I examined it visually first, noting that it was already swelling and turning odd colors. I was able to open it and close it and flex my fingers, but not without a good dose of pain. I went into the kitchen and took an icepack out of the freezer. I wrapped it in a dishtowel and sat down on the couch while my hand iced. Dusky was entirely too big to sit on my lap, but he laid across my lap anyway.

  I leaned back and tilted my head up towards the ceiling as I tried hopelessly to blink back my tears. I understood Jerry’s initial shocked reaction, I had expected that. I even thought it was possible that he would not immediately be happy out the situation, because he had been so adamant about not having a child before we planned to do so together, but I did not expect his cruel proclamation that we had to ‘take care of this’. What other women did with their bodies was their legal right and I didn’t judge, but terminating a pregnancy was not something that I was capable of doing and Jerry had to have known that. Even if he didn’t know it, he should have been ready and willing to sit down and have a discussion about our options instead of insisting on only one.

  I wanted to call Emmy and tell her about the pregnancy and vent about how Jerry reacted, but I couldn’t, because my best friend had her own troubles, and I believed they were far bigger than mine. The love triangle she had been in disintegrated when Luke, who had reached his tipping point, broke up with her and moved away to Chicago to be with his family and to get away from Emmy. It was about three months later that Emmy learned that she was pregnant. In my opinion it was questionable who the father was, but Emmy seemed adamant that it was Luke, but she did not tell him. She carried on with her reckless relationship with her boss, Kyle, for another few months, but then something happened around the very beginning of the year. It was still unclear what exactly had transpired, but it had changed her -irrevocably changed her. Emmy was broken and I had no idea who or what gave the killing blow. One day, without even telling me, she picked up and left the state and went down to Louisiana.

  I later found out that Kyle was in rehab for some unknown addiction, and when she caught wind that he was going to get out, she begged me to take her far away. I took her to the only place I could think of, I took her to Helene and Marcus in France. She stayed with them in their country cottage until she was probably way too pregnant to fly over seas, but she made the trip home anyway and gave birth to Lucas, a beautiful, blonde haired baby boy in Louisiana. When Lucas was five months old, he and Emmy flew to Chicago where she broke the news to Luke and told him he was a father. A week later she moved in with him. They weren’t together as a couple, but Luke wanted an equal share in his son’s life, and he was owed more than that really.

  Whenever I spoke to Emmy, she was only a shell of the woman I used to know. I always pretended that she didn’t sound like a walking dead woman, and after each phone call, I would be on the verge of tears. I had no idea what had killed her spirit or how to help her, but calling her was out of the question. I didn’t want to further burden her with my problems, and a small part of me wondered if she even had the wherewithal to care.

  I still couldn’t believe that Jerry suggested I terminate the pregnancy. With that reoccurring thought, Emmet’s words bounced around in my skull.

  He’ll never give up anything for you.

  Those words stung me now. Jerry expected me to give up something I had always wanted while he gave up nothing. In fact, since we got married, he had given up nothing. I wanted to quit modeling, so I couldn’t hold him accountable for that, but my whole life orbited his. I took good care of him – I cooked, I cleaned, and I threw myself into his career. I went to every home game, even when I was in school and working hard on getting my degree. The one away game a month he required soon became three or more, because he wanted me there. The media always commented on what a devoted wife I was and Jerry liked how that made him look. I did all of the charity events that the team wives did. When I was home, I cooked, I cleaned, and ran all of his errands for him. I didn’t have a job because being Jerry Vasquez’s wife was my job. My degree sat useless in a drawer. Even though going to any of my family’s gatherings could be awkward, what with my ex fiancé and his new wife and baby, I would have liked to have had the option, and I lost that option when I married Jerry. Every holiday or special occasion was spent with his family here in the States if it was within baseball season, but during the winter holidays, we traveled to the Dominican Republic. My social life was nearly nonexistent because I spent so much time just being Jerry’s wife. Mayson was the only friend I really had since Emmy left and I didn’t get to see her often. I didn’t mind being selfless for Jerry. I felt useful and my husband loved and adored me, but after his selfish suggestion, I suddenly felt…used and unappreciated, and I was having a difficult time with the fact that Jerry had never given up a damn thing for me, just as Emmet had predicted.

  Emmet wouldn’t have asked me to give up my baby, I realized. As far as I knew he didn’t expect Casey to do that either, even though he clearly wanted me and not her. In fact, he gave up a great deal to do the right thing by her and Owen. Emmet had made some poor choices over the years, but I knew he would always try to make the right decision for Owen, and I supposed even now for Casey.

  I had an unexpected yearning for Emmet. How different my life would be had I married him instead of Jerry. Dealing with Casey’s pregnancy had seemed impossible back then, but I wondered if the pros would have outweighed the cons of that situation. I would have Emmet, who loved me unconditionally and wanted kids as much as I did. He would have appreciated me and he wouldn’t have cared if I got fat and got stretch marks from a pregnancy.

  Sighing, I decided I needed to push those thoughts out of my head, because what-ifs didn’t mean anything. I had to work with the reality that I had created for myself and hope for the best.

  Chapter Fifty-One

  I almost backed out. My fingers were poised over my phone, ready to dial Emmy and tell her I couldn’t make it. I would feign sickness, exhaustion, or Braxton Hicks. If I had to, I would troll the internet and find some way to put myself into labor.

  It was that thought that made me put my phone down and give myself a mental slap.

  “Really, Donya? You’d risk your baby’s life?” I asked myself aloud as my hand automatically rubbed my round belly. “I’m sorry,” I told my baby girl. “I didn’t mean it. It’s just that I’m nervous about seeing Emmet again and meeting his wife and kid.”

  She kicked me for my stupidity.

  It was Lucas’s first birthday, and Luke and Emmy were throwing a big party at Luke’s sister’s house. I was due to give birth in a little more than a month, and my doctor had advised against traveling, but I had not seen Emmy and Lucas since they moved to Chicago, and if I didn’t see them this time, it would be several more months before I would have the opportu
nity.

  Late in the winter, Emmet, Casey, and Owen moved to Chicago. Luke offered Emmet a position in his law firm and Emmet took it. When Emmy told me that Emmet was considering it, I knew he would take it, because he still had the same job he had told me he hated. I wasn’t sure how I felt about him living closer to Emmy. It increased the odds of me running into him whenever I visited his sister, but then again, I probably wouldn’t visit very often anyway, at least not for the first year of my baby’s life.

  Emmet and his family were going to be at the party. It was going to be the first time we saw each other since the day I married Jerry and left Emmet crying for me in front of the pond. I could already feel him, I felt him the moment the plane landed. With my sensitive, hormonal emotions in place, I didn’t know how I was going to handle being in the same space with him. I didn’t know how I was going to react to Casey in person. How was I going to react to Owen? He was an innocent three year old boy. Could I possibly resent a three year old?

  My cell phone rang, dislodging my thoughts about Owen and his parents. It was Sam calling to tell me she and Fred were ready to go. I grabbed my purse and checked my hair in the mirror, being careful not to look at my wider body, and then left to meet Sam and Fred in the lobby.

  Fred typically drove slow enough to drive anyone crazy, but the ride into the burbs felt as if he had kicked it up to warp 8, because before I could really prepare myself, we had arrived at Lorraine’s house. The pull of the tether was instantaneous. I walked behind the old folks towards the house knowing I wouldn’t be able to stop myself if I tried. Emmet was calling to me, and even after all of the insanity we had been through, my body and heart still answered his call. I was equally relieved and terrified.

  There were a few people hanging out in the front yard smoking. I looked at them with envy, because I could have really used a cigarette, but under no circumstance is a pregnant, smoking woman either attractive or acceptable.

  You’re being ridiculous, I told myself. You have been in the public eye for over sixteen years and have done some terrifying stunts, and you can’t handle this? You got this! He’s just a guy…

  Even though the last part was a lie, Emmet wasn’t just a guy, the rest was true. A good portion of the civilized world saw me topless in my last movie appearance and I have posed in transparent lingerie on more than one occasion. I met the leaders of three countries and one prince, and I have done terrifying thrill chasing activities such as skydiving, zip lining, and hell, some of the my fellow models were terrifying individuals. I could handle this.

  I squared my shoulders as I followed the parents into the house and put on a smile that could light up the moon. I was barely through the door when a little boy with dark hair threw himself into Samantha’s arms. I knew who it was before she could even say his name. His longish hair fell into his eyes just like his father’s tends to do and his green eyes were bright with joy and mischief.

  “Owen, say hello to Aunty Donya,” Sam said after she kissed him to within an inch of his life and after he transferred his little body to Fred’s arms to escape the deluge of kisses.

  “Hi,” he said and waved a little hand.

  “Hi, Owen,” I said and put my hand to my throat to massage away the lump. With the exception of the shape of his mouth, he looked just like Emmet. I did eventually see pictures of him, but nothing prepared me for how much he looked like his father.

  “What’s her name?” he asked his grandfather.

  “Don-ya,” Fred said slowly.

  “Donnie?” His forehead creased, just like Emmet’s did when he was trying to understand something.

  “Close enough,” I managed.

  “Donnie, it’s almost my birthday but now Lucas has his birthday.”

  “Yes, and how old are you?” I asked.

  “Thrfree. Lucas is this many.” He held up a single finger.

  “That’s right,” I said and couldn’t resist the urge to brush his hair out of his eyes. That action made Owen stretch out his arms to me expectantly. I looked at him with confusion until Fred straightened it out for me.

  “No, Aunt Donya can’t hold you right now, pal,” Fred said.

  “Oh,” I said, understanding. I stretched out my arms for him. “It’s okay. I can hold him.”

  “You really shouldn’t,” Sam warned, but Owen had already wrapped his little arms around my neck.

  Fred reluctantly let him go and then he and Sam let out collective sighs.

  “I’m pregnant, not enfeebled,” I said to them.

  I turned away from their disapproving murmurs as a woman identifying herself as Lena, Luke’s oldest sister introduced herself. I liked her instantly. She was very talkative, but didn’t mince any words. She asked me a few questions about my pregnancy that left even me blushing until Emmy rescued me.

  “Why are you carrying that kid?” Emmy asked and playfully pinched her nephew’s cheek.

  I looked into Owen’s face and he smiled at me and I think I fell in love a little. This was not something I expected to feel. Of all of the things that I expected, I did not expect to love him at first sight, especially since he was the reason Emmet and I weren’t together.

  No, I chastised myself. You and Emmet are the reasons you and Emmet aren’t together.

  “He’s a cool kid,” I said with a shrug.

  “You look really good,” Emmy said, looking me up and down. “It sickens me that you still look like a supermodel and you’re about to have a baby. And you’re wearing heels! I would have fallen on my face!”

  “Are you kidding me? I’m as wide as the state of Illinois and by the end of the night my ankles will be swollen and I’ll be waddling back to my hotel suite.”

  Emmy looked doubtful. “Whatever. You look fantastic. Isn’t Aunty Donya pretty, Owen?”

  He nodded and then stroked my hair. “I wike your hair.”

  “I wike your hair, too,” I told him. “But Aunty Em looks hot.”

  “Don’t tell him that!” She admonished, but looked pleased by my words.

  I offered to put Owen down to go play with the other ten thousand kids running around the house, but he refused and held on tighter. I followed Emmy into the kitchen. There were about a dozen people in the kitchen, but the second I walked in, I met Emmet’s eyes from across the room. My heart leaped and jumped in my chest, but I managed to keep my smiling face in place, though I knew Emmet knew my emotions regardless of the mask I wore. He was talking to a couple of men I didn’t know and Luke, who was holding Lucas. I smiled in their general direction. Luke waved as he continued to speak, but Emmet scowled. He was irritated, I could feel that clearly, but irritated at what? Was he irritated that I showed up?

  I didn’t have time to think about it, because I was suddenly surrounded by family members and friends I had not seen in a long time. We were all chatting when Emmet pushed his way into the circle and held his hands out for Owen. Surprised and mildly irritated myself by his behavior, I turned to the side to keep him away from his own son. I was getting pissed because after all of the time it had been since we last saw one another and after all of the shit that transpired between us, I expected a better greeting than an irritated scowl.

  “You shouldn’t be holding him,” Emmet snapped. “He’s too heavy.”

  “He’s fine,” I snapped back.

  “Donya, you’re what, eight months pregnant? And wearing those ridiculous high hooker heels? You shouldn’t be holding him.”

  “My shoes are not ridiculous! These are Manolo Blahniks, custom made for my feet!”

  “Dude, what’s your problem?” Mayson said. “She knows what she’s doing.”

  “I carried baskets of your dirty ass laundry heavier than Owen when I was that pregnant,” someone said from behind me. I instantly knew it was Casey, and that was confirmed when she stepped up beside me with her hands on her hips as she glared at her husband.

  I glanced at her heart shaped face, cute button nose, and hazel eyes and instantly resented
her presence. I didn’t dislike her, but there was no doubt that I resented her.

  “It’s okay,” I said, giving in. I handed Owen to his mother instead of his father, but she immediately put him down.

  “Go play instead of hitching rides with pretty women, lady killer,” she said and sent him on his way.

  “He’s a cute kid,” I told her. I had to say something or else I would have stood there and scowled at her like Emmet had been doing to me moments before. His scowl was gone now, but he was uneasy as he watched the exchange between his wife and I.

  “Yes, but he uses his looks on easy prey like you to get what he wants,” she said, smiling. “He would have had you stealing cookies in a matter of minutes.” She hugged me. I was a little startled by the sudden move, but I awkwardly hugged her back. “It’s so good to finally meet you in person.”

  “You, too,” I half lied.

  Fortunately, I didn’t have to talk to her long. Luke came up to me with Lucas, and he hugged me as if we were old friends. I hugged and kissed and tickled Lucas and wished him a Happy Birthday. Luke put his hand on my swollen belly without asking, which usually bothered me, but I was okay with it this time. He looked awed and sad at the same time, because he had missed this stage of Lucas’s life.

  “Your husband must be excited,” he said quietly after the girls cleared out and Lucas toddled off to be with the other kids. Just he and Emmet remained with me in the corner of the kitchen.

  The truth was Jerry was not excited at all. Jerry was the opposite of excited. Every time he looked at my rounded belly, it was with indifference or irritation. It was always one of the two and never anything in between. He never touched the basketball size bump, unless by accident, and even then he withdrew his hand as if I had tried to eat it. He stopped having sex with me the day I started to show. He made up lame excuses, but I knew it was because of the pregnancy. He went to one doctor’s appointment with me in the beginning – most likely just to confirm that I was indeed pregnant – and never went to another. When I told him we were having a baby girl, he only shrugged.