Tethered

by L. D. Davis

  He snatched up the small pink lamp off of the dresser and threw that to the floor, but the heavy book of fairytales, he threw at me. The dog stood outside of the room barking at Jerry as I watched with wide, disbelieving eyes as he began to wordlessly trash the nursery. Pictures were pulled from the walls and thrown to the floor. The baby monitor was hurled into my back. Toys and stuffed animals were thrown at me and to the floor. When he began to stomp toward us with nostrils flaring and fists closed tight at his sides, I scooped Rosa up and tried to move away. He shoved me out of his way, sending me crashing into the crib and I nearly lost my footing as I struggled not to drop my screaming baby. I had just enough time to turn away from him as baby powder, diapers, lotions, and other baby items were thrown at me. Powder floated through the air after he threw a larger bottle against the wall in front of me and it busted open. Dusky was still barking, but he was not an aggressive dog. He didn’t enter the room to avenge me and Rosa.

  “I am fucking tired,” Jerry said evenly behind me. I heard him trudge through the mess and walk out of the room past our whining first addition to our family. A couple of seconds later our bedroom door slammed shut.

  I was stunned, absolutely bewildered, and hysteria was building inside of me, but I had to ignore it. I couldn’t think about what just happened because Rosa needed a doctor. Breaking down was not an option. Not an option.

  With trembling limbs, I put Rosa back on the changing table and quickly put her in a diaper. I zipped up her pajamas and put her in the crib, the only safe place in the room, so I could quickly pack her a bag. I stuffed it with clothes, diapers, wipes, and her now empty cups. I was vaguely aware that my shirt was damp from the juice, but I didn’t care. I threw the bag on my shoulder, grabbed Rosa and carefully navigated out of the room. I hurriedly put her in her coat even though I worried that it would make her hotter. I didn’t bother to grab anything for myself to put on, there was no time. I picked up my purse and then raced out of the door to get my baby to the hospital.

  *~*~*

  For a year, I tried to save my marriage and convince my husband to love his child. I changed up my hair and lost a few pounds. I stopped wearing sweatpants and beat up clothes around the house and I made sure my hair and makeup were done every day. I hired a babysitter so Jerry and I could go out alone and we had at least one mandatory date night a month. I started attending his home games again and I went to one away game a month like I used to do. Sometimes I would bring Rosa to the home games, but mostly she stayed with the sitter.

  It seemed to be working for us as a couple. Jerry was nicer, downright sweet sometimes, and he started calling me princess again, but he was still distant from Rosa. He held her, he talked to her, and he helped out with her but it was clear that his heart wasn’t in it. He rarely even smiled at her even when she grinned up at him and looked at him adoringly. By the end of the year, I realized that he was never going to be close to her. I tried not to let that affect us as a couple, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized that his relationship with Rosa was a part of us, and if that wasn’t strong, neither were we. His complete meltdown in the nursery was solid proof of that.

  I sat in the hospital next to Rosa’s little body in the big bed as the nurse adjusted the IV that was embedded into her little arm. I was still in a state of shock and barely functional. My head was cloudy, and except for what I felt for the baby, I was otherwise numb.

  Rosa was expected to be okay. Her lungs were clear and she tested negative for the flu. It was a bad viral cold, for which there was no cure, but they were treating her symptoms. When the nurse asked me if I would like to get looked over myself, I declined. It would take me away from my baby and I wasn’t leaving her room for anything.

  As the sun began to rise outside, I knew I had to make a decision. I couldn’t go back home. I didn’t have my cell phone to call anyone, and I wasn’t sure who to call. I couldn’t remember if Emmy and Luke were back from their vacation yet. Fred had a heart attack only a month after the wedding. I didn’t want to stress him out by going down to Louisiana, so I immediately ruled that out. Mayson had her own problems and my other friends weren’t really people I’d let into this aspect of my life.

  When the sun was up fully, I asked the nurse to find a phone number for me. When she returned a little while later, I took my credit card out of my purse and dialed the number. Rosa and I were not going back home. Ever.

  *~*~*

  I handed the cab driver a hundred dollar bill.

  “Wait here. If we go inside, you can leave and keep the change, but if we can’t get inside, I will pay you another hundred to drive us back into the city to a hotel.”

  He nodded his acceptance and wished me luck.

  I climbed out of the car with Rosa in my arms and my purse and diaper bag on my shoulders. It was snowing pretty hard. It had just started when the plane I chartered landed. The talkative cab driver said they were expecting almost a foot of snow on top of the half a foot that was already on the ground. I walked up the driveway, noting that it was empty of cars. It was a little disheartening, but I thought maybe they could be in the three car garage. I went up the two steps and opened the storm door. My hand was poised to press the button for the doorbell when I felt him, stirring around inside, beyond the door. I hesitated and thought about turning away, but where would I go? To a hotel maybe, but my body was failing me and I needed help with Rosa, and besides, it was already too late. If I could feel him, surely he could feel me. I pushed the button.

  I heard muffled voices and seconds later the door opened and Emmy stood there looking at me with a stupefied expression. The sight of her made relief rush through my body and suddenly the weight of the past sixteen hours slammed down on me.

  “Shit,” Emmy cried, rushing forward to catch me and Rosa. “Luke!”

  My world was darkening, but I felt Emmy take Rosa from my arms and I heard her panicked voice, and then I heard his voice, yelling.

  “What did he do to her!” Emmet demanded. “What did he do to her!”

  Rosa started to cry as I was lifted into strong arms, but it wasn’t Emmet. Luke’s voice was close to me as he called my name, but I could barely hear him over Emmet’s shouts. Rosa continued to cry, frightened by the hysteria in the room, and then Kaitlyn and Lucas joined in until there was a chorus of small crying children.

  “Emmet calm down!” Emmy yelled. “You’re scaring the kids.”

  “Donya, open your eyes,” Luke said calmly after lying me on a couch.

  “Tired,” I murmured as I tried to force my eyes open. I started to cough uncontrollably and Luke lifted me into a sitting position and rubbed my back.

  “What’s wrong with her?” Emmet demanded.

  “She’s burning up,” Luke said. “You should probably call an ambulance.”

  I opened my heavy eyes to slits after my fit of coughing passed. Luke was right beside me, supporting me. Emmy was standing in the middle of the room holding Kaitlyn with a phone to her ear and looking at me anxiously. Emmet stood behind her, holding Rosa, trying to comfort her, but unable to shake the panic that gripped him as he looked at me.

  “I’m just tired,” I whispered and only then did I realize how dry my lips and mouth were.

  “I think you’re more than tired,” Luke said. “What happened?”

  “I think I need a divorce lawyer,” I said. I smiled and weakly lifted a hand to touch his face. I don’t know why I smiled. It wasn’t funny.

  And then I went to sleep.

  Chapter Fifty-Six

  “This isn’t my sock,” Luke announced, holding up a pink, frilly sock. He was standing in the hallway dressed in a suit with one shoe on and one shoe off.

  “Oh, that’s Rosa’s,” I said and snatched it from his hand. “Thanks.” I patted his chest and continued on to my temporary bedroom.

  “What are you doing?” I heard Emmy ask.

  “I can’t find my blue sock!”

  “So put on another sock.
”

  “Do you know what kind of a field day Vivian will have with me if she sees me wearing two different socks? I want my blue sock. It matches this suit.”

  I shook my head and closed the door. Vivian was Luke’s arch enemy, a barracuda of a lawyer that made grown men quake in their shoes – according to Emmet and Luke anyway, but it was she that Luke asked to represent me in my divorce. I liked her instantly, though her personality was a bit intimidating even to me. She played dirty, without being illegal – I think. Before Jerry could even oppose anything I was asking for, Vivian sent his lawyers pictures of the bruises on my body from all of the shit he had thrown at me, and pictures of the wrecked room.

  Luke and Emmet had acted quickly. They contacted Mayson who had a spare key to the townhouse I shared with Jerry. While he was out of the house for his daily trip to the gym – which he did not deviate from even after abusing his wife and child – Mayson went in and took pictures of the still wrecked room. He hadn’t even bothered to clean it up two days after I disappeared from his life. She grabbed my dog Dusky, my cell phone, my bracelet and a few other small things and took off before Jerry could return.

  Jerry got to keep the house, but he had no visitation rights with Rosa, not that he even tried. And he was giving up half of his money. That was his offer, not a request of ours. Emmy wondered if it was because he felt guilty for being a lousy dad and husband, but the rest of us surmised that he didn’t want those pictures to hit the media.

  I had been at Emmy’s and Luke’s for nearly two months. I never went back to New Jersey. Mayson said I pulled an Emmy, but that wasn’t quite true. When Emmy left New Jersey, she was a broken individual, brutally scarred, and only a whisper of the person she had been. She had closed herself off from her friends and family and burrowed deep into a psychological dark hole. I wasn’t burrowing any fucking where.

  My first twenty-four hours in Chicago was spent in the hospital, getting pumped full of IV fluids for dehydration and pneumonia. I gave myself that day and the following day to cry and feel miserable and that was it. I had a baby to take care of, and I had myself to take care of, too. I had neglected to take care of me during my marriage with Jerry, because as Emmet had predicted, he gave up nothing for me. I had allowed myself to look at my life through a frosted glass and did not see things clearly until that damn wipe box slammed into my side. I once thought Jerry was a great man, and maybe he was, but he wasn’t the man for me. Sometimes I got sad, because I had some good memories with him, but the sadness always passed, because I doubted he was sitting around thinking about me with sadness.

  “Here’s your sock, little girl,” I said, tossing Rosa’s pink sock on the bed. She and Lucas were sitting on my bed in their pajamas watching cartoons.

  “Mam?” she asked, picking up the sock.

  “Rosa?”

  “Fee?”

  “Yes, it is for your feet,” I said, smiling.

  I sat in a chair in the corner of the room and started folding the basket of laundry I just carried upstairs. Emmet walked in the open door a moment later and Rosa’s arms instantly shot up. He dropped his old Ghurka briefcase I had given him many years ago on the floor. I had been surprised to find that he still used it and even more surprised to see him using the pen, too.

  Emmet scooped Rosa into his arms and kissed her all over her face, making her giggle.

  “Have a good day, baby girl,” he said to her.

  “Mehmet,” she said his name as she put her little hands on his cheeks. “Buh byes.”

  “Yes, buh byes.” He kissed her once more and set her back on the bed. He put his hand out for a high five from Lucas. Lucas gave it to him and then they did a fist bump. “Take care of the lady folk, little man.”

  Lucas already lost interest and was watching television again. Unless he needed food from the lady folk, he could care less.

  “Have a good day,” Emmet said to me, his manner more subdued.

  “Thank you,” I said softly. “You too.”

  He hung out near the door, watching me for a moment longer. “Okay. Bye.”

  “Bye,” I said and watched him leave.

  Luke came in next to hug the kids, but he didn’t linger and have an awkward moment with me. He kissed the top of my head like he would a kid sister and then plucked me in the arm before racing out of the room.

  So, there had been many changes…

  When I showed up at my best friend’s door two months ago, I had no idea that Emmet and Casey had separated two months before that and that he was staying with his sister until he could figure out what he wanted to do. I almost moved out after I recovered from pneumonia, but Emmy begged me to stay and Emmet offered to move out instead, but then I felt bad making him move out when he and Emmy were finally getting to know each other again. We all said we would have to think about what would be the best thing to do, but that was nearly two months ago and nothing had changed.

  Those first several days were awkward and stressful. Emmet was still fuming about the condition I arrived in and several times Luke and Emmy had to talk him out of getting on a plane and flying to New Jersey to “kill that mother fucking pansy bat swinging asshole.” The incident hit a little too close to home for Emmy and her past and she was noticeably quiet for a few days. But soon we all fell into a routine. Emmet immediately became attached to Rosa again after we arrived. Even if he had Owen with him, Emmet took care of Rosa like his own. Every weekend morning, or any day he had off, he would let me sleep in and take Rosa downstairs for breakfast. He made time for her every day after work and he even took her with him on errands sometimes. He loved her and Owen loved her, and she loved them.

  Emmet and I were polite to each other, but other than dealing with Rosa and Owen, we kept our distance. Before I showed up, we hadn’t spoken since that night he walked away from me and Fred at Emmy’s wedding. I didn’t know why he and Casey split up. He didn’t volunteer the information and I didn’t ask him. I did ask Emmy and she wasn’t sure either, but I’m sure it looked suspicious to anyone else that both of our marriages dissolved within a couple of months of each other and now we were both living under the same roof. Emmet spared Casey the shock of finding me here when she dropped off Owen by talking to her beforehand. She didn’t have much to say when she came by, but she, too was polite. Everyone was so damn polite.

  I was getting restless in the Kessler camp. I loved being around Emmy all of the time, but I was beginning to feel like I was cramping her and Luke. It was awkward to walk into the kitchen and find them in a moment together, or to overhear an argument or disagreement. It was especially uncomfortable to hear them banging like bunnies in their bedroom at all hours of the day. They never encouraged me to move on or seem to care that I was there, but I cared. Two months was long enough to take advantage of my friends’ hospitality. So, that morning after I wrangled Lucas and Rosa downstairs for breakfast, I used Emmy’s laptop to start searching for somewhere else to live. I didn’t even know what I was going to do for a living yet. I had some ideas, but nothing solid.

  I had been seated for a few minutes when the doorbell rang. Emmy was upstairs bathing Kaitlyn so I got up to go answer it.

  “Hey, no throwing cereal,” I warned Lucas as his arm raised to throw a Cheerio. He gave me a heart melting grin and dropped his arm.

  I peeked out of the little window by the door before opening it and cursed under my breath. I had forgotten that Casey was dropping Owen off. That was another thing that had become routine. Casey dropped Owen off on specified days of the week whether Emmet was present or not. Emmet would keep Owen for a few days and then take him back to his mother. He called him every day that he wasn’t with him and would sometimes go and pick him up even if it wasn’t his day to have him. Casey and Emmet seemed to agree upon all things that had to do with Owen.

  “Hey, Case,” I said, opening the door to let them in. “Hi, Owen.” I ruffled his hair that was so much like his father’s.

  “Nonan, come eat
ceewreal,” Lucas called from the kitchen.

  “Wowo!” Rosa called.

  “Go on in the kitchen,” I told Owen and he gladly took off to go be with his friends.

  I fully expected Casey to turn and leave as she always did. Emmy and I always offered her a cup of coffee or to come in and sit for a few minutes, but she always declined. I think it was hard for her to be with Emmet’s family now that she wasn’t with Emmet anymore. She seemed uncomfortable with the idea every time it was presented to her, and the Grayne’s went out of their way to try to make her feel like she was still part of the family.

  When she didn’t immediately hightail it out the door, I again offered her a cup of coffee.

  “No, thanks,” she said, shaking her head. “But I wanted to know if you could give something to Emmet for me.”

  She reached into her purse and produced a large manila envelope. I had a feeling what was inside and I didn’t think I should be the one to hand it to him.

  “Maybe you should give it to him,” I suggested kindly when she tried to hand it to me.

  “I…” she paused and licked her lips nervously. Her smile was just as nervous. “I don’t want to see his face when this lands in his hands. I don’t want to see the relief that he’s sure to feel.”

  I shook my head and still refused to take the envelope. “Casey, I’m sure this is hard for him, too.”

  “Yeah, but not for the same reasons,” she whispered. “He feels guilty, but trust me,” she sighed heavily. “The contents of this envelope are a gift to him.”

  Whatever resentment I had for Casey had passed the night of Emmy’s wedding, but I suddenly felt guilty for resenting her in the first place. I had no doubt that when Emmet proposed to her she really believed that he was marrying her because he loved her above anyone else and wanted to spend the rest of his life with her. Any signs or symptoms of the contrary she must have chosen the same frosted glasses I did for my marriage. I wonder what it took for her to take off her frosted glasses.