“I know you wanted to meet her, I want you to meet her, plus this is my circle here, and I want her to feel included.” This would be my first mention of my circle to her, she’s always been an honorary member, but I think the presentation of what the circle means to me will help with our conversation last night.
“You realize that you may need to call in for the rest of the day, right? And that I’ll only be talking to the pretty lady?” Mike jokes.
Tatum is quiet witnessing the back and forth with a smile as the waitress comes and takes our orders.
“What’s the circle? Is it like in Meet the Parents and the circle of trust or is it Lion King and the circle of life?” She asks.
“Trust. When I sponsor, I start from the ground up and we build a relationship from scratch, which evolves into different aspects, we’re family, we’re one and the same, both recovering alcoholics and truth is something that always happens at our tables.”
“So kind of like rule number three?” She turns to me.
“Exactly.” I answer.
“Rule number three?” Leo and Mike ask in unison.
“We have house rules we started when we first moved in together, and then we re-did once we became more to another.” She answers.
“So what’s rule number three?” Mike asks me.
“Always be honest.” Tatum and I say in unison. I turn to her and smile.
“I like it, I like you guys. She’s prettier to look at too.” Mike jokes with a wink at Tatum. “So, how goes it?”
I turn to Tatum. “So, when we get together, we talk, we talk like chicks do about feelings, about what’s happening in our lives, and all that jam. There’s no judgments at our tables or in our circle, we feed off of another for experience and insight.” She nods.
“That’s sounds better than a book club.” She smiles.
“Alright, with that being said, I’m just going to jump into it. Tatum and I had a conversation last night. She expressed her thoughts and I explained my thoughts-.”
“They are my insecurities, about us and our relationship.” Tatum interrupts.
“Insecurities of what nature?” Mike asks with his elbows on the table.
“I was, I am still partially afraid that he will get bored with me and leave me high and dry for a hotter girl, someone without a baby crying at all times of the night.” Her emotions are fighting hard with her, I place my hand on her back and rub.
“I see.” Mike nods and turns to me. “And Max, how did this part of the conversation go?”
“Well, the whole conversation stemmed from saying that I got my bike when I was bored and that I was planning to trade it in or something since it’s not something practical for a new father. So from that her insecurities built. I tried to squash it giving the reasons I bought the bike which were superficial and explained to her there’s basically no chance in hell that I want someone else.” I explain. “If I didn’t want to be with her, I plainly wouldn’t be.”
“How did you feel expressing those thoughts to her?” Mike asks me.
“I had no problems saying any of that to her, because it’s the truth. Though when I was thinking this morning, and this has nothing to do with Tate or the baby. But generally being told that you’re going to be a dad for someone like me, a womanizing alcoholic, you would think that I would run back to the bar or something, but I didn’t. I didn’t even have that impulse. So then that feeling, that there was no desire for a sip of alcohol made me feel like I wasn’t a good alcoholic.” I explain, my hand still rubbing her back.
“How did you feel once Tatum told you? I know we talked about this, but I think that it’s good for her to hear too.” Mike explained.
“Well, at first I was scared as shit. But then it dissolved into pride, and then a desire and now love.” I say.
“How did you feel when Tatum said that you’re going to be a dad, what was your first thought?” Mike retorts.
“That he needed a strawberry milkshake.” Tatum answers for me. “As soon as I told him, he excused himself and started making one, he made me one too. It calmed him, and then he was cool with everything. He didn’t have the reaction I was thinking he would.”
“When you first told me about you becoming a father, I saw no hesitance in you. You were eager to be your best and you vibrated with some energy. It’s the same energy that you have when you speak about Tatum.” Mike says. “There’s no handbook on being an alcoholic, there’s nothing that tells you that you need to act or feel a certain way. For some, the need for the taste is so strong on a daily basis, for others it’s a thought in the back of their head.” Mike continued.
“This is like a therapy session!” Tatum exclaims. “Is it always like this?”
“Only when there’s something going on, some weeks we just talk about sports.”Leo laughs.
“Is Mike your sponsor too?” Tatum asked Leo.
“Yeah, we all sat together during a meeting and hit it off. So we are okay with sharing.” Leo smiles elbowing Mike.
“If you don’t mine me asking, Mike how long have you been sober?” She asks propping her chin on her hand.
“15 years this year.” He puffs out his chest.
“Wow, that’s great. Do you have any kids, wife?” She continues.
“Both. My daughter is 19 and my son is 16. My wife is eternally 25 though.” He laughs.
“My grandma always told me she was 35, I think up until I was a teen I had actually believed her.” Tatum laughs.
The remainder of our extended lunch went great. Tatum hugged both Leo and Mike with the promises of having everyone over for dinner as we left.
“Thank you.” She whispers as she leans into me walking to the car.
“For what?” I ask.
“For letting me into your circle of trust.” She answers.
I stop us walking and turn her body into mine; I put my arms around her and look her in the eyes.
“You’ve always been in it, since day one.”
She smiles as she leans up for a kiss. I may have groped her right there on the street while returning that kiss.
35
Tatum
My entire body is vibrating in anticipation as I start the oven and set the timer for dinner tonight. My parents and Max’s parents will be here any moment and I feel like I’m sweating like a horse. I’ve changed my dress for the third time in a row in the duration that Max has been in the shower. I hear the shower shut off and I run into the bedroom.
“I can’t do this. I just can’t do this. Let’s cancel.” I pace the bedroom.
He steps into the walk in closet with his towel around his waist, looking delicious.
“Not a chance babe. As soon as I called my mom, I had to stop her from coming over that moment, there’s nothing keeping her away from this house tonight. She’s given us a lot of space, but once we open that can of worms, it’s going to be hard to keep her away.” He smiles as he slips on some boxers. My eyes are fixed on his package as I feel warmth spreading. I know that I licked my lips because I can see the blaze of heat in Max’s eyes.
“Can we just….” I started yet was halted by the doorbell. “Damnit.” I stand, look at Max longingly and leave the room practically stomping all the way to the door.
“Trisket!” My father bellows as I answer the door.
“Hey daddy, come in.” I move to the side, so my parents can enter.
“Baby, you look gorgeous. I’m so excited to meet this fella. Why has it taken so long?” My mother asks as she hustles past me as she kisses the air in my direction.
“Well, for one you guys live in the middle of nowhere, and rarely visit. And two, life has been busy.” I answer.
“Poppycock!” My father says.
My parents are opposites. They’re opposites of each other and I’m completely opposite of them. I have grown up with the idea that I was adopted and they just never told me. I don’t look like either of them and our personalities are so far off, that if we were toget
her in public, we would look like strangers standing next to each other. We get along fair enough, sometimes my mother is distant and seems like her only interest is herself, whereas my father is quirky and doting so far. My mother has preferred to not acknowledge my pregnancy, which is fine by me.
My father is short and round, with balding brown hair and a pornstache. While my mother looks like Olive from Popeye and screams gaudy by her fake pretentious tone and the overuse of her hands while talking. They claim that my genes stem from my father’s side since he has a slight tan and has some Italian heritage, since my mother is pale as a ghost. I love my parents, but they’re a little much to deal with in large doses, sometimes small doses as well.
“I apologize for taking so long to get ready. I got off work late. I’m Max, and welcome to our home.” Max says as he strolls into the room, with his hand stretched to shake hands with my dad. My mother turns and gapes at him. He acts like he doesn’t notice my mother drooling on our floors and shakes her hand as well. My mother hasn’t uttered a word and for that I’m shocked, nor has she closed her mouth.
“Very nice to meet you son. It’s a nice place you have here. I apologize for my wife, she doesn’t meet many… people. We tend to keep her tied up in the dungeon.” My dad says with a smile to Max.
Max looks to me as I roll my eyes and cross my arms.
“Mom, Dad would you like something to drink? We don’t carry alcohol in the house, but we have plenty of other selections.” I offer bringing them closer inside the house.
“I would love a vodka cranberry.” My mother rights herself and takes her eyes off of Max to address me, however steals glances at Max.
“We don’t have any vodka, but we do have cranberry.” I answer her getting annoyed. It’s too early in the night to lose my cool. Too early.
“No vodka? Oh dear.” My mother fakes a faint.
“I’m pregnant, remember. I shouldn’t be drinking.” I point to my stomach.
“I drank with you.” She supplies.
“That explains so much.” I mutter turning to the kitchen as the doorbell rings again.
Suddenly, Davis and Katrina run into the kitchen.
“What the hell?” I turn around. “Did you seriously ring the doorbell?”
“My mom is one minute away, I wanted to prepare you. She’s going to hang all over every last word you say and she’s going to hug the shit out of you. She kept saying that it has been too long.” Davis whisper yells.
“Um okay.” I have no idea what to say.
“Just a warning, She has been flying off the walls all week since Max’s dinner invite.”
The front door opens again and sure enough a tall very attractive older woman walks into the kitchen and settles her eyes on me. She looked worried at first, then she relaxed and held out her arms to me. The tension in the kitchen, you could cut with a knife until I walked into her embrace.
She breathes deeply and I can feel her smiling against my shoulder.
“You are ravishing.” She inhales and pulls back, still grasping my arms.
Max is standing behind her with a smile on his face. “I see mom found you, she basically walked in the door saying your name, didn’t even acknowledge her son.” He says in the entrance.
Our parents seemed to get along great, my mother kept most of her smart comments to herself, I notice her staring at Max quite a number of times. Max’s mother, true to Davis’s warning, would gaze longingly at me when I would be speaking. At first it was creepy, but I felt flattered after a while. We are all in the backyard enjoying the warm summer night. I had Max’s mother sitting beside me on my right and Max on my left. My mother took a seat beside Max and was enamored with his depiction of the past several months. I’ve never seen her so enthralled in a story about me before, perhaps it was the storyteller.
I had excused myself to refresh drinks, and Max’s mom offered to join me. We’re in the kitchen refilling the water pitcher.
“I can’t tell you how happy I am that you guys were having a dinner. Your parents are…”
“Special.” I interrupt, finishing her sentence in the nicest of ways.
“I was going with eccentric. How are you dear?”
“I’m good. Tired more so than the first trimester, ready for the babe to vacate it’s current spot and scared, really scared.” I admit. I haven’t voiced that out loud, not even to Max.
“Oh honey, I think that’s run of the mill standard feelings for every new parent. You guys will do great as parents. Plus, I’m so close, that I’m only a phone call away if you need anything, even to vent.” She offers.
“Well, speaking of which. Max and I were talking the other night. He should probably be asking you this but, meh why not. Would you be interested in watching the baby a few days a week after I go back to work?” I nervously wring my fingers together.
“Only a few days? I could do all week if you want?” She offers.
“Really? You would? Really?” I’m speechless and tears have started to fall. I’m such an emotional blubbering mess.
“Oh honey, of course.” She places the cup of water she was holding on the kitchen counter and hugs me. “I would love nothing more than to spend my days with my grandbaby.”
“Oh I’m so glad. Thank you.” I say sniffling and hugging her back.
A cleared throat behind us startles me and I pull away from Max’s mom, and Max is standing there looking between the both of us with a concerned look.
“You guys were in here for a while, I just wanted to make sure everything was alright, is it?” He asks tentatively looking back and forth between us.
“I’m going to be spending my days with your daughter, so I’d say everything is perfect.” His mom exclaims.
Max’s face relaxes as he walks over to me.
“Thanks mom. That means a lot to us. Um, Tate… your mom started rubbing my leg. I think she needs to sit on opposite sides of the room from me from here on out.” He smiles sliding his arm around my waist.
“She does seem to be crushing on you.” I smile looking at him.
“I’m a two woman man, and my woman is standing next to me and the other is in her belly.” He says as he leans down and kisses me briefly.
His mom gushes and clasps her hands together causing a distraction and for us to remember that she’s standing within reach of the both of us.
“I’m so glad you found one another. Thank you for brining my boy back, Tatum.” His mom hugs us both, grabs the water pitcher and returns to the backyard.
“Um?” I look at him.
“You know that I wasn’t all this in love sappy hunk of a man that you see in front of you today.” He jokes.
“Yeah, I’m glad I could assist in turning you into mush.” I retort.
“Your mom is seriously creeping me out.” He says as we start walking back to the backyard to join our families.
“Yeah, she has that effect on people.” I mutter as we step outside.
36
Max
“If you would have asked me this time last year what my life would be like, I would have not had a clear answer because I had nothing in my life that made me happy, or at least what would constitute as a really happy. I had work, sex and booze. I was not in control of anything, and had no desire to have the control either. I was a walking corpse most days, with erratic behaviors which didn’t make me a pleasure to be around and I’m forever thankful that I was able to pull my head out of my ass, for that I am grateful for my best friend, I’m thankful to my brother and most of all thankful to the woman who I share my life with.
If I didn’t have the come to Jesus moment, I would not have been prepared for my girlfriend to enter my life when she did. Regardless, that she actually entered my life while I was suffering within a downward spiral. During my downward spiral, I drank like a fish and figuratively entertained multiple women on a daily basis. I’m not proud of it, but I would have never met the person who completes me without this period. I’m go
ing to have a baby girl here in a month and I’m scared shitless. But I’m also so excited to start on this new journey with open and clear eyes. With no tainted blood running through my system and a clear conscience. I don’t condone any of my past behavior, I know where it stemmed from and no, I’m not making excuses or saying it was okay, and for all I’ve done, the pain inflicted on others, I’m not proud. But I am proud of who I am today, that with the love and support of my peers, my friends and my family – I am who I am. Today, I celebrate 7 months of being sober today, 7 months filled with strawberry milkshakes, pineapples and a new life.” The people sitting in the hall go from wearing chicken costumes to wearing their normal, but my eyes automatically locate Tatum at the back of the hall, and I take a deep breath and smile. The hall erupts in applause.
I take my seat in between Dane and Tatum. Her hand takes its place on my mid-thigh and Dane clasps my shoulder and leans in.
“I’m proud of ya buddy.” He whispers.
I nod my head in acknowledgement. Behind me, Mike grabs my shoulders and gives them a shake then there’s a slight slap on the back of my head, I turn around and Davis is smiling at me and giving me a thumbs up. I didn’t think that this was something that everyone in my life had to be at, however as I look down the aisle and behind me, I’m surrounded by friends and family. I return my attention to the podium up at the front of the hall and notice that Leo is sitting in the front row with his leg bouncing, he’s speaking next and he’s nervous. Leo is introduced and is now wiping his hands on his pants and standing.
“Much like the speaker before me, I too am an alcoholic. Like the speaker before me, I am a new man,” Leo begins.
* * *
One agenda item down for this week, next up is the baby shower that Sterling and Sammie are throwing for us this afternoon. It’s a co-ed shower so I was told to make sure that we had BBQ items and to make sure that our backyard was clean as well to make sure to leave Tatum plenty of energy to enjoy herself comfortably. She has been exhausted lately, it looks like it hurts when she walks, sits down, lays down or gets up, so basically any movement. However, her sex drive exceeds mine, which is quite amazing.
No More Heartache: The MORE Duet Page 20