The Helpline

by Katherine Collette

  ‘You’ve heard of me?’

  It was annoying how excited they were.

  Sharon held the container up. ‘I’ve got something for you,’ she said, raising it in the air. And then to Jin-Jin, ‘Would you like to come in for a cup of tea?’

  ‘Jin-Jin’s busy,’ I said.

  ‘I’d love to,’ said Jin-Jin.

  I frowned at the elevator buttons the whole way up. There was a column of takeaway containers in the kitchen, near the sink. Jin-Jin was going to have a field day. You have Red Emperor on speed dial, Germaine…Red Emperor on speed dial… All you do is be alone.

  I don’t know why Jin-Jin was so interested in seeing my apartment. It was the same as hers, same layout, same fixtures, same everything.

  The two of them stopped in the lounge room. I snuck into the kitchen and tipped the containers in the sink so they couldn’t see. When I came back they were both staring at the mantelpiece.

  ‘Wow,’ said Jin-Jin.

  Behind her, Sharon said, ‘Where did that come from?’

  I blushed. I’d forgotten about my redecoration. Don’s old trophies and medals were set out in a clever display. A display of his cleverness. I hadn’t expected anyone to see.

  Jin-Jin walked closer. ‘Are these yours?’ she said.

  I glanced at Sharon. ‘I own them,’ I said, carefully.

  Jin-Jin picked up one of the medals. ‘State Sudoku Championship 2005…Regional Finals 2004…Germaine. I didn’t know you were this good.’

  ‘She’s not,’ said Sharon.

  I didn’t like the tone she used. As though it was impossible—when in all likelihood I could have been world champion if someone had encouraged me.

  ‘I don’t understand.’ Jin-Jin looked closer at one of the trophies. ‘National Final 2006…Alan Cos…Oh.’

  I crossed my arms and held on to my elbows, rocking from side to side. I don’t know why they both had to come over. I didn’t invite them.

  ‘I am confused,’ said Jin-Jin.

  Sharon put the Tupperware she’d been holding on the coffee table and started picking up parts of the display herself. ‘Alan Cosgrove…Alan Cosgrove…Alan Cosgrove.’ When she put the pieces down she didn’t put them in their correct position and she didn’t roll the ribbons on the medals right. I had to go and straighten it all.

  Sharon and Jin-Jin both gave me pitying looks.

  ‘Who is Alan Cosgrove?’ said Sharon. ‘Why do you have all his trophies?’

  ‘He’s a friend of mine. He gave them to me.’ What was it to them? I could decorate however I liked.

  ‘Why did he give them to you?’

  ‘Because, Sharon. Stop talking about it.’

  ‘You’re not a serial killer, are you?’ Sharon turned to Jin-Jin. ‘Because I’ve often wondered.’

  I told her she wasn’t funny.

  Jin-Jin said, slowly, ‘Are you and Don—’

  ‘Yes, what does Don think about’—Sharon gestured at the mantel—‘this.’

  Sharon didn’t know Don was Alan and I wasn’t going to tell her. She’d only make more comments and ask more questions.

  ‘I mean, it’s a bit weird, isn’t it?’ said Sharon. ‘It reminds me of a Buddhist offering. All you need is a bowl of rice and—’

  ‘Shut up, Sharon.’

  Yelling was very effective. The room went quiet. There was no noise in it at all.

  Except for when I said, ‘I will make the tea now.’

  Jin-Jin said, ‘Maybe I should go.’

  ‘And you will drink it.’

  I put the kettle on. While I made the drinks those two talked. Jin-Jin mentioned homework club. I’d told Sharon about it ten times but of course she hadn’t listened.

  ‘I didn’t know you were volunteering,’ she said.

  Jin-Jin said, ‘Germaine’s there every week. She’s the best tutor there is…The best tutor there was.’ Her expression was glum. ‘Do you think we can stop the council from selling it?’

  ‘No,’ I said.

  Sharon opened her mouth. I gave her an icy stare and she closed it again.

  No one looked at the trophies.

  Sharon sipped her tea and said in a careful voice, ‘Back in ’82 when we were protesting the Franklin Dam, we tied ourselves to trees and stayed there, even as the bulldozers rolled in.’

  Jin-Jin was in awe. ‘We didn’t try that. We put chains on the wheels of cars once but that is all.’

  ‘You what?’ I said.

  Jin-Jin shifted in her chair. ‘Pardon?’

  ‘I knew it.’

  Jin-Jin looked to Sharon for help. ‘I think I was not supposed to say that.’

  My eyes narrowed. ‘Did you or didn’t you?’

  ‘I prefer not to answer this question.’ Jin-Jin went and put her mug by the sink. ‘I have to go now. I have homework to do. Nice to meet you, Mrs Johnson.’ She gave a small bow and left before I could commence her cross-examination.

  Much as I didn’t feel like talking to Sharon, I found myself telling her:

  1) how Celia had lied to me about chaining up the golf club members’ cars,

  2) how I knew she’d been lying,

  3) how I’d given her the chance to tell the truth and

  4) how if she hadn’t lied, none of this would have happened.

  Sharon was not the picture of righteous indignation I’d hoped for. ‘I suppose she had her reasons,’ she said.

  Reasons. That’s Sharon for you. Always mitigating circumstances.

  She went and got the Tupperware she’d brought and handed it to me. It was blue on the bottom and had a clear top with holes. Inside, two goldfish were swimming around in water.

  ‘Thought you might like some company,’ she said.

  They didn’t look like much in the way of company. Better company for each other than for me.

  ‘I’m still mad at you about the Douglas,’ I said.

  She pouted. ‘You’re always mad at me about something.’

  ‘Not everything’s a joke, Sharon.’

  ‘I didn’t say it was.’

  ‘Sharon.’

  ‘Fine, I’m sorry…But isn’t it liberating? You can do anything, Germaine. You don’t have to…I sometimes wonder if you only clung to the idea of him because he was, in your mind, the opposite of…’ She looked into the container. ‘They should be okay in there overnight. You have to keep the lid off. And don’t forget to feed them.’

  ‘The opposite of what, Sharon?’

  ‘Well…’ She kept her eyes on the fish. ‘The opposite of me.’

  I didn’t speak. I watched her watch the fish.

  ‘It’s just a thought,’ she said. ‘I only thought of it then…I haven’t been thinking about it for long.’

  Her purple dress had a thread hanging from the sleeve. I reached and pulled it. For a moment, the thread connected us. Then the thread came off. But I held on to it.

  ‘I’m not trying to be the opposite of you,’ I said.

  ‘Okay.’ Sharon’s gaze remained fixed on the container.

  ‘I’m not.’

  There was another pause. I wanted to keep being annoyed at her but it was harder now than before.

  ‘Thanks for the fish.’

  If I was going to get a fish, any fish, I wouldn’t have chosen goldfish. I would have picked something with a bit more personality, like a Mexican walking fish or Siamese fighting fish. But now I had them, they seemed okay. They had some redeeming features. They were certainly resilient.

  But even survivors can be vulnerable. I’d have to remember that when I transferred them to their new bowl.

  ‘If you don’t want them you don’t have to have them,’ said Sharon. ‘I just thought you might like them…You might like being reminded what you’re capable of.’

  ‘I’m capable of keeping two fish alive?’

  ‘Germaine. You saved eighty-four fish from certain death.’

  ‘We saved eighty-four fish.’

  Sharon put her hands toget
her. ‘Yes, it was a team effort. We did it together.’

  I pulled the container with the fish towards me. I wasn’t sure where I was going to put them, the mantelpiece being so full.

  ‘Don is Alan,’ I said. ‘They’re the same person…It’s complicated. But Don gave me his old trophies because he knew how much I liked Alan.’

  Sharon was listening, a novel and enjoyable experience for both of us. Until she said, ‘Who do you like better? Don or Alan?’

  Her question caught me off guard. ‘I like them both… They’re the same person.’

  ‘Yes, but if you had to pick.’

  ‘But I don’t have to pick.’

  ‘Hypothetically.’

  She didn’t understand. She was confusing me.

  ‘Okay, okay. Forget I asked.’ Sensing I was getting annoyed, Sharon changed the topic. ‘Jin-Jin’s nice. She seems to really like you.’

  I shrugged. ‘Jin-Jin likes everyone.’

  ‘And she goes to the homework club, does she?’

  ‘A lot of people do.’

  Sharon drummed her fingers on the table. ‘You know you were there, at the Franklin Dam? We tied your pram to a tree. Some people said that’s why they didn’t start bulldozing. Because of you. You were at the rally in town, too. Protesting’s in your genes, Germaine.’

  Honestly. That was not how genetics worked. ‘I could lose my job, Sharon.’

  ‘You can get another one. And if all else fails, you can move in with me.’

  I thought I would have shuddered but my body didn’t have that involuntary reaction.

  32

  I didn’t go to the seniors centre in the morning. I went to work, played solitaire on the computer and came home again.

  I was putting my slippers on when there was a knock at the door. I answered it even though I knew who it was going to be.

  ‘Hi, Jin-Jin,’ I said.

  ‘Where were you today?’ Uninvited, she came in and took her shoes off. ‘You didn’t come to the meeting.’

  She walked past me to the lounge room and made herself comfortable on the couch. The fish were in a new bowl on the coffee table but she didn’t notice them. ‘Everyone is very upset.’

  ‘Are they?’

  ‘Yes. It will probably get closed down.’

  ‘I think so.’ I didn’t sit down, stayed standing. ‘Still, they’ve had a good run, haven’t they? That club’s been operating more than fifty years.’

  ‘Yes, fifty years. But don’t worry. Celia has a plan.’

  ‘Does it involve chaining up car wheels?’

  Jin-Jin cringed. ‘I wasn’t meant to tell you that.’

  ‘I knew anyway. I know a lot of things, Jin-Jin. A lot of things.’

  Jin-Jin wasn’t paying attention. She said they’d organised a working bee on Saturday during the time normally allocated for homework club. ‘Do you want to come? If you want to come can you drive me? And Celia, she doesn’t have a ride.’

  I said no. I wasn’t some kind of taxi service. And anyway, I had a prior engagement.

  ‘Can you change it? When is it? Because the working bee goes all day. Maybe you can come after?’

  ‘It’s long. It goes all day.’

  Jin-Jin was confused. ‘Don’t you want to come and help?’

  ‘I want to come but—’ I tried to explain what a complex situation it was. Unfortunately, I chose an advanced metaphor (based on Fermat’s last theorem), which Jin-Jin failed to comprehend.

  ‘Doesn’t seem that complicated,’ she said. ‘Seems simple.’

  Maybe I was a better explainer than I gave myself credit for.

  ‘What are you afraid of?’ said Jin-Jin.

  I looked her square in the eye and said I wasn’t afraid of anything.

  Jin-Jin smoothed the fabric on the arm of the couch. I wished she’d leave.

  ‘This is the first time you invited me over,’ said Jin-Jin. ‘I mean, I came yesterday but that was only because of your mum.’

  ‘Technically, I didn’t invite you this time. You just came in.’

  ‘I invited you lots of times. I always felt sad for you, being alone in here all the time…But now I think, oh well. It’s your choice. You want to be alone, be alone.’

  The air around me thinned, like a force field was malfunctioning. ‘I’m not alone.’

  ‘Invite me in; don’t invite me in. Come; don’t come. No impact on me. Only on you.’

  ‘I didn’t say I didn’t want to come. I said I couldn’t. There’s a difference.’

  ‘Sure.’ Jin-Jin started getting up. Now she was getting up.

  She walked towards the front door.

  ‘Wait,’ I said, but she kept going.

  I didn’t want her to go. I wanted her to understand.

  It was easy for her to say What are you afraid of? Asking questions is simple; answering them is much harder. She didn’t know what it was like.

  Jin-Jin started putting her shoes on, first one and then the other. She was having a bit of trouble with the laces on the second shoe but she was going to leave soon if I didn’t say something.

  I opened my mouth and some words fell out. ‘My career is very important to me, Jin-Jin.’

  ‘Why?’ she said.

  My first thought was of Professor Douglas, who had been such an important role model for a child growing up with Sharon. In order to teach at Harvard he’d had to give a few things up. Like a daughter.

  Then I remembered he didn’t give up a daughter. He and I weren’t related.

  Then I didn’t know what to think. I supposed I would have to think for myself.

  Jin-Jin paused mid-shoe. ‘Do you like homework club?’

  ‘I don’t hate it.’

  ‘Do you like going to the centre?’

  ‘It’s okay. Nothing special.’

  There was a row of hooks along the wall near the door. I fiddled with the car keys, hanging in their allocated position, third hook from the end. ‘You guys don’t need me anyway,’ I said.

  Jin-Jin gave an exasperated sigh. ‘No, we don’t need you… But we want you.’

  ‘Pardon?’ I moved the keys innocently. ‘What did you say?’

  ‘You heard me, Germaine.’

  ‘I didn’t.’

  ‘Fine. I said, we don’t need you but we want you.’

  I was in high demand for once, first the mayor and now this lot. If only they could coordinate themselves and pull in the same direction instead of having a tug of war. Be much more efficient, less net expended energy.

  ‘Come on, Germaine.’

  I started to waver—they probably did need me. People hadn’t got so much better at mathematics as to render my help superfluous.

  And it was only a working bee.

  ‘You’d have to put in for petrol,’ I said.

  ‘Okay.’

  ‘And tell Celia if she’s not ready at half past eight I’m leaving.’

  ‘I will.’

  ‘And Jin-Jin?’

  She stopped in the communal hall.

  ‘Thanks for coming over.’

  We got to Celia’s, a double block of old-style brick flats, and I beeped the horn. I gave her ample time to come out, at least seven seconds, but she didn’t appear. I started driving off but Jin-Jin stopped me. ‘I’ll go get her,’ she said, and undid her seatbelt.

  ‘Two minutes, then I’m leaving,’ I called as Jin-Jin went up the drive.

  While I waited I busied myself with the radio. It was a long time since Celia and I had seen each other. I’d thought about her, all those times putting the sudoku in the post box. I’d wondered what she was doing, but I never allowed myself to dwell. If you dwell on one thing then you attract other dwellable things. Negative thoughts are like filings to a magnet, and it wasn’t my fault she got kicked off the committee.

  Jin-Jin appeared with Celia behind her. Jin-Jin came around the back to the passenger-side door. She opened it but instead of getting in, held it for Celia.

  Celia ent
ered the car bottom first, then feet. Once she was sitting she used the handle above the door to shift and make herself comfortable. She put her handbag, a tan-coloured triangular prism, in her lap.

  All this I ascertained using only my peripheral vision. I was facing forward, looking out the front window, avoiding eye contact.

  ‘Thank you, Jin-Jin,’ said Celia, once Jin-Jin had sat down in the back. ‘You know, you refugees are much more respectful of your elders than the local kids. And more community oriented. Not many of them spend their weekends volunteering.’

  ‘I’m not a refugee, I’m studying marketing at the university,’ said Jin-Jin.

  But Celia wasn’t listening. She clicked her belt on and then she opened her handbag. Inside was a bound document I recognised even at a sideways glance. It was Ralph’s and my report. I don’t know how she got a copy.

  She waved it at me. ‘Did you write this?’ she said. It was the first thing she’d said to me the whole time. No hello or thanks for picking me up.

  ‘Yes,’ I said.

  Celia didn’t comment on the content of the report but the way she shook her head, I could tell she didn’t like it, even though it was accurate and extremely well written.

  ‘Today’s going to be great,’ said Jin-Jin, in the back seat. She was very optimistic. I felt duty-bound to point out her attitude was unfounded.

  ‘Hate to break it you,’ I said. ‘But this isn’t going to work.’ I had a theory about why, but Celia agreed without hearing it.

  ‘For once, Germaine, you’re right,’ she said. ‘Well, you’re half-right. The working bee won’t be enough. For one, we need a new roof and if past experience is anything to go by the council’s not going to fork out for that. What we need is an income stream. Then we can maintain our independence.’

  ‘What sort of income stream?’ said Jin-Jin.

  ‘I don’t know. Do I have to think of everything?’ She gave an irritated sigh and wound down the window.

  As appealing as an income stream might sound, it wasn’t going to save them from certain closure. I knew because I’d run the numbers. Ever since I told Jin-Jin I would come along and help, I’d been worried it was the wrong decision. I kept wishing I could flash-forward and see what was going to happen, how it all turned out. And then I realised: I could.

  I had a way of predicting the future. Sort of. The relative likelihood of one future over another, anyway.