Voyage

by E M Gale

  The robot laughed. “Now you ask that? Don’t worry, it’s not the height of fashion, but neither was your piratical outfit.”

  ‘I didn’t look like a pirate.’

  “I don’t look like a vampire, do I?” I asked worriedly.

  “Well… not to people who don’t know you are one, but most people do know you are one. Don’t you know that you are pretty famous, Clarke?”

  I sighed. “Yeah, I got that idea.” I shook my head from side to side.

  “You are practically the poster girl for twenty-first-century vampires.”

  “I am definitely going to lose that bet.”

  “What bet?” asked the robot. I eyed him in amusement.

  “I’ve got a bet on whether or not Anna and the others find out that I am a vampire and, er, a general before we go back… uh, to the past.”

  “Really? Who with?”

  I shrugged. We entered the lift and listened to the strains of one of Elvis’ love songs.

  “That’s five thousand pelfre down the drain. Rob could know now. In fact, has he looked me up yet?” I asked the robot.

  “Not on the computer system here.”

  “Does he know about the war? Why he built the ship? How the world thinks he dies?”

  “No, not yet.”

  “When do you find out?”

  “I already know.”

  I stared at the robot.

  ‘Is a future version of Rob using this machine as an avatar to talk to me? Or am I going crazy?’

  “When does Rob find out?” I asked him levelly.

  “I don’t know.”

  I sighed. We arrived at Anna’s suite and knocked. She opened the door and stared, so I walked in.

  “Morning, guys, how’s things?”

  “Clarke, where did you get that pretty dress!” Anna squealed.

  ‘Ah… oops.’

  “I bought it in one of those posh boutique things,” I said vaguely, waving my hand around my lie.

  “And is that yet another new sword?”

  ‘How sweet, she’s noticing different weapons as well as different clothes. That’s taking an interest, that is.’

  “Ah, yeah, this…” I said, gesturing at it. “I needed to accessorise.”

  “Did you buy that too?”

  I laughed.

  ‘I nicked it.’

  “No,” I said.

  “It looks expensive.” She was frowning.

  ‘Since she doesn’t know about the smuggling, I suppose she thinks I’m as poor as she is.’

  “Oh, this old thing?” I blustered. “I confiscated it as well. But more importantly, I don’t look like a pirate today, do I?” I grinned at her.

  “No.” She frowned at my outfit. “You look like someone at a fantasy convention.”

  “Eh?”

  She shrugged. “A velvet dress, a sword and a robot, it’s a weird combination.”

  “The robot’s not part of the outfit,” I said drily.

  ‘He’s a person, not an accessory.’

  “You look very pretty, Clarke,” said Rob softly. Anna frowned.

  “Not like a pirate, right?” I asked him with a grin.

  “No.”

  ‘Rocking.’

  I leant a little closer to him. “Do I look like an idiot?” I whispered.

  “No, blue suits you. And maybe you should wear dresses more often.”

  I laughed at that. “I doubt it. They’ll kinda get in the way of my job. This I’m wearing because I’m on holiday today. Hopefully, I can go two days without having to fight a pirate.”

  Anna was glaring at me. Rob smiled. “You still have my robot, then?” he asked. “I’m glad you like something that I will make.”

  ‘Ah, time travel grammar.’

  “He seems to like me,” I said, “but he doesn’t like swimming.”

  “You tried to take it swimming?”

  “No… he trundled off instead.”

  “Why are you dragging that dumb robot around with you anyway?” said Jane acerbically.

  “Hey, don’t insult my tin can friend! He’s an interesting conversationalist.”

  ‘Although admittedly, more so when the others aren’t there.’

  “Huh, you’re that desperate for company you’re talking to a robot?” she asked.

  ‘Ooo, harsh.’

  “I see you’re in a good mood this morning, Jane.”

  ‘Mark kick you out of bed or something?’

  “Have you decided it’s an AI yet?” asked Mark.

  I flopped down on one of the pink sofas and started throwing off all the huge puffy cushions that were under me.

  ‘Honestly, I’m sitting on a plush sofa, why do I need cushions as well?’

  “Well… he’s too chatty to be, I think,” I said, looking at the robot.

  “Clarke, stop messing up my room,” said Anna. She was frowning at me.

  “It hasn’t said anything yet this morning,” said Jane.

  “He talks to me.”

  Jane shook her head.

  “‘He’?” queried Mark.

  I nodded. The robot seemed male to me rather than female. Only a man could be that annoying.

  “You’re crazy,” said Jane, “asserting that a guide robot has a personality. Is telling you where things are your idea of scintillating conversation?”

  I smiled at her, very nicely, and then looked at the robot. “Hey, robot, what do you think of that?”

  “Nothing,” he said monotonously.

  “Gargh! You’re not pretending to be a robot again, are you?”

  “I am an AI,” he said, extra-monotonously.

  I shrugged.

  ‘Fine, be like that.’

  “Well, I’m glad you’re so impressed at my work that you still think it’s a person,” said Rob, smiling at the perceived compliment.

  “I know he’s a person.” I looked at Rob.

  ‘I still think it’s your future self playing a silly game for some unknown reason.’

  “He has a personality. There’s a clue in the name–person, personality,” I said.

  “It didn’t seem to have much of a personality yesterday,” said Mark.

  “Hey, they’re insulting you, you gonna put up with that?” I asked the robot.

  “Yes,” he said.

  I laughed.

  ‘Go ahead, pretend.’

  “OK then, what do you guys want to do today?” I asked with a smile.

  “Shall we explore? Find a dive bar and play baccarat with the vitaminless? Catch a movie? Drop water bombs from the top of the escalators? What?”

  “Water bombs? You’re immature,” said Jane.

  ‘Well, given how long vampires live, yes, I probably am.’

  I shrugged.

  “I think we should look for the science labs,” said Rob.

  I grinned at him. “Ah, a man after my own heart. Let’s go nick the time machine then.”

  They all stared at me in shock.

  “What time machine?” asked Anna, her eyes wide.

  “The one in the science labs,” I said as if it were obvious.

  “What makes you think there is one there?” asked Mark.

  “Well, the only person I know who’s built a time machine is Rob. We get back somehow, so at some point we must find or build a time machine. Even if we build one here and take it back I bet Rob either keeps it or makes another for himself after I nick it. And I reckon there’s a good chance it’s still here in the science labs.”

  ‘If he’s a vampire, I bet he’s got it stashed here. If he’s not, then maybe it’s still here if the current mysterious owner hasn’t done anything with it–he probably wouldn’t know what it is. Actually, Rob likes stupid labels. He probably doesn’t believe what it is.’

  They all looked stunned.

  “Wasn’t that all obvious?” I said.

  They shook their heads.

  ‘Obviously not. OK, then.’

  “Hello there, robot.” I
waved at him. “Lead the way!” I declared.

  “To where?” he asked.

  I blew the air out of my mouth in an annoyed fashion. “Pfff! The science labs, of course. Don’t persist in pretending you don’t understand our conversation.”

  “There are no science labs on board.”

  “Yes, there are. You told me there were yesterday.”

  “No, I did not.”

  ‘Grrrrr.’

  “You’re being annoying again. Look, Rob wants to go and see the pretty labs, so can you take us?”

  “No.”

  “Why?”

  “There are no science labs on board.”

  ‘Argh!’

  “Why do you persist in lying to me when I know the truth?”

  He said nothing.

  I glared at the robot, then I sighed. “Can you tell me where the storage areas are that used to be science labs?”

  “No, because there are no storage areas that used to be science labs on board.”

  “Oh, go on, tell me. You are such a nice robot,” I said with a smile.

  “Clarke, I am a robot, you can’t charm me.”

  “Gargh! Why are you misbehaving?” I yelled.

  “A great conversationalist, is it?” said Jane sarcastically.

  ‘Well, obviously Rob is pretending to be a robot in front of the others.’

  I stared at the robot. “You are trying to make me look stupid, aren’t you?”

  The robot laughed. “No,” he said.

  “I should have bloody sold you to Bec Ku!” I muttered.

  He laughed again.

  I slumped back on the sofa. “And I was in such a good mood this morning too,” I mumbled.

  “Aw, cheer up, Clarke,” whispered the robot, really quietly, so that only a vampire could hear. I stared at it in surprise. The others hadn’t heard.

  “Rob Bot 27,” said Rob, with a chuckle at the name, “where are the science labs?”

  “Hello, Rob, there are no science labs on board.”

  Rob looked at me in confusion. I shrugged.

  “But you said yesterday that there had been some that are now storage areas,” he protested.

  “I did not say that.”

  “Now you are lying,” I said.

  “But it can’t lie, right?” said Mark.

  “Yeah, he can,” I said. “He said he can’t lie, of course we can’t know if that was the truth. Anyway, he’s intelligent, anything intelligent would be able to lie.”

  “Clarke, did you teach my robot to lie?” asked Rob.

  ‘As usual, Rob’s not listening.’

  “Didn’t I say yesterday it was my robot?” I said, frowning at him.

  “I made it. I think you will find it belongs to me,” said Rob, frowning at me.

  ‘Eh? Hold on, is that a–’

  “Actually, I think you will find it belongs to me,” said the vampire who demisted right in front of us. Everyone jumped but me, because I’d smelt him enter the room in mist form.

  ‘Appearing like that in front of everyone… Oh, dear.’

  “Ah!” screamed Anna. The vampire grinned. He looked like he was just stepping out to the theatre. A smart dinner suit peeked out from beneath the folds of an accompanying Inverness cape thing, the white of a silk handkerchief just visible. He’d teamed it with a shiny top hat, shiny black shoes with spats and white silk gloves on his hands which were wrapped round an ivory-tipped ebony cane. Alucard was a not a subtle vampire.

  He doffed his hat to Anna, deliberately showing the scarlet lining of his cape as he did so. I sighed. The vampire stared very closely at Rob, sniffed a few times, frowned, and then eyeballed me briefly.

  ‘OK, they’re gonna find out.’ I sighed. ‘I guess it had to happen at some point.’

  “This is my robot. Who are you? And why do you have it?” asked the vampire, looking at each of us in turn. Thankfully his accent wasn’t bad Transylvanian. Neither was it French, as I would have expected of a Pierre Picaud. It was more a modern Outer Colonies accent, but he sounded like he was straining to use formal English rather than piratical slang.

  “Uh…” said Rob. Anna looked pale.

  “He’s been following me around,” I said. “Who are you?”

  ‘As if I haven’t guessed.’

  “I am Alucard,” said the vampire grandly. He tossed his head. I thought he was trying to be flamboyant, but I could tell he was acting. And badly. “Who are all of you?”

  I coughed. “Clarke,” I muttered.

  My friends named themselves.

  Alucard smiled at them, and then addressed himself to me: “Why are you in possession of my property?”

  “I told you, he’s been following me around. Do you want him back, Dracul–I mean Alucard?” I said, only just maintaining a straight face. The vampire glared at me. Anna whimpered and looked at me in fear.

  “Yes, please,” he said in a small voice.

  I nodded.

  He tossed his head again and opened his arms wide, to show off the cloak. “I think you’ll find that the Great Alucard’s mercy towards transgressors is second only to his magnificence!”

  Rob looked at me worriedly, Anna shrank back, Mark gulped audibly and I rolled my eyes. Then I looked at the robot, who was fixated on me again.

  “Um… look, how do I give him back to you, oh great Alucard? I haven’t told him to hang around with me, he just does.”

  The vampire shook his head. “Listen, I don’t know what shit you are playing at this time”, he whispered sotto voce, so that only a vampire could hear. His language seemed more natural and the Outer Colonies accent came through. “But stop taking the piss out of my performance and play along!” Then he switched back to the human audible range and his part. “That one has caused me no end of trouble!” he said, shaking his head. “It has been programmed oddly.”

  “Who by?” I asked, wondering what the hell was going on.

  “The previous owner. One Great Engineer.” Alucard gestured, making the cloak flap.

  “Can’t you get him to reprogram the robot for you?” I asked, narrowing my eyes.

  The vampire shook his head and sighed an over-the-top sigh. “Sadly not. He has passed on–”

  ‘Hmm, no one gasped. Oh, yeah, my friends expect Rob to be dead two hundred years into the future.’

  “–to the great beyond,” expounded Alucard, his hand on his chest. “The big sleep. Never-never land.”

  I raised an eyebrow and shook my head. Alucard looked deep in thought.

  “Um, the final destination?” I suggested helpfully.

  “He is an ex-engineer?” proffered the robot. I grinned at him.

  Alucard shook his head slightly and put the back of his hand to his forehead. “Oh, how my immortality doth weigh on me like a shroud!” I just stared at him.

  ‘At this rate I am going to have to come out as a vampire to my friends just so I can laugh at this guy.’

  He shook his head as if he was bringing his attention back to the here and now and he cleared his throat. He turned to look at the robot. “Igor, my faithful servant, why art thou following these people around?”

  “‘Art thou’? There’s no excuse for that sort of language,” I subvocalised.

  Alucard frowned at me, but didn’t answer.

  “I have orders to help them,” said the robot.

  “I countermand those orders!” said Alucard, swishing his cloak.

  “I’m sorry, Master, but these orders cannot be countermanded,” said the robot.

  Alucard shook his head and sighed yet another heartfelt sigh. “I think I might have to wipe its programming.”

  ‘Wipe it? The last remaining bit of Rob in the universe?’

  “No! You can’t do that!” I blurted out.

  The vampire stared at me in surprise, his mouth open in a gormless way.

  ‘Oops.’

  There was a silence whilst Alucard looked slightly alarmed. Then he pulled himself together, stood up st
raighter and swished his cloak again. “I think you’ll find I can,” he said politely but firmly.

  ‘Rats… my friends are all a little in awe of him, so if I yell at the vampire they might ask why I’m not scared of him. And anyway, it was only a few random phrases that reminded me of Rob. But it seemed like more than that to me.’

  “Well, whatever, he… it… is your property,” I mumbled.

  “Yes. It is.” Alucard frowned at me. Then he sighed as if put upon. “But this robot is useful, even if it occasionally has a will of its own.” He looked at the robot and shook his head. I didn’t think he was a good actor, but if he wanted to prance around pretending to be Dracula then I guessed that was his prerogative.

  ‘That means Rob isn’t a vampire then. He can’t be, if this Pierre Picaud or whatever he calls himself is the owner of this space station. Poor Rob. All that’s left is a robot that spouts a few Rob-like phrases.’

  I sighed sadly.

  “Robot, do you have any other orders regarding these travellers?” asked Alucard grandly.

  “No, Master,” said the robot.

  The vampire sighed and then shrugged. “Well… if it wants to follow you around, for now it can. It seems like odd programming to me, but don’t even think about taking it off this space station.”

  Rob nodded his head enthusiastically. “Yes, uh, Alucard,” said Rob. “Sorry.”

  “Why are you apologising? It’s not your fault,” said Alucard. Then he smiled. “By the way, would you be related to the Great Engineer, Sir Professor Robert Deegen, by chance?”

  ‘Ah, he noticed the name. And he’s hamming it up. I’m surprised he hasn’t added PhD, MSci and all the other stupid letters Rob can, and on occasion does, put after his name.’

  “Uh, um, yes…” said Rob as the others stared at him open-mouthed. They smelt worried.

  “Ah, I see.” Alucard paced up and down in the posture of serious thought. He clicked his fingers.

  “This robot must have orders to help Robert Deegen’s family,” said Alucard as if he had just solved a great mystery.

  ‘Is he aping Sherlock Holmes now?’

  “Well, please forgive my intrusion. I did not mean to be so rude. I thought I was chasing pirates who had stolen my robot, not the great-great grandson of the great, great Robert Deegen.” He then smiled at Anna and took her hand. “And I apologise for any shock that my sudden appearance may have caused you.” He looked like he was going to kiss her on the hand, but she smelt terrified and leaned back so he didn’t. He merely clasped his other hand to hers and nodded. “I would hardly like to be responsible for upsetting a maiden as fair as yourself.”