Voyage

by E M Gale

  “For goodness’ sake, Clarke, don’t be an idiot. Go shopping or something.”

  “Shopping’s not safe, I could put my eye out with a hanger.”

  The others all looked stunned.

  “It… can talk,” said Mark. He sounded confused.

  ‘Oh, yeah. The robot.’

  I laughed. “Hah! You’ve given yourself away now, you recalcitrant robot! First you try to make me look crazy in front of my friends, then you give the mercenaries all sorts of silly ideas–”

  “I think you mean I told them the truth,” said the robot pompously.

  “So… Igor, why weren’t you talking like this yesterday?” asked Rob.

  “Um… Clarke didn’t need telling off yesterday.”

  I grinned at that.

  ‘Me, told off by a robot?’

  “He thought it was funny to not talk to me in front of you guys so that you would all think I was crazy.”

  They looked from me to the robot. I giggled.

  “Does not compute,” said the robot extra-monotonously.

  “Too late,” I said.

  “I don’t understand,” said the robot.

  “The gilt’s rubbed off the Rolex, so don’t persist in being annoying.”

  Jane was looking at me. “OK, Clarke, I was wrong, the robot does talk to you,” she said.

  ‘Hmm… hey, no veiled insult.’

  I beamed at her. “Watch yourself, Jane, I think you forgot to put the insult in that comment.”

  She glared.

  ‘OK, maybe I ought to have been nicer.’

  “But I really appreciate it,” I said, smiling, trying to charm her. It didn’t work.

  ‘Maybe I should have gone for charm before sarcasm.’

  “Hello, robot,” said Mark.

  “Hello, Mark,” said the robot.

  Mark looked at me. I shrugged.

  “Robot, why were you pretending to be less intelligent yesterday?” he asked.

  “To wind up Clarke,” said the robot.

  “It worked,” I said. I smiled at the robot. “But worry not, my unalloyed friend, if it will make you happy, I will spend my afternoon sword-fighting instead.”

  ‘Heh. And go flying this evening.’

  “I thought you were on holiday?” said Anna.

  “Well, yeah. So I’ll do it for fun rather than for survival,” I commented with a shrug as I espied Cleckley striding towards me rather fast. He smiled when he saw me.

  ‘He must have found something then.’

  “Ah, back in a bit,” I said, jumping up and scampering over to him.

  “Hey, Clarke, I found something,” he said. “I thought you would want to hear straight away.”

  ‘Well… no, not really, given that it probably won’t affect the rest of my experiment and I can spend my time on the Shiny Shiny Egg learning about the results, time I can’t fill with fun stuff. But hey, no need to correct him when he looks so eager.’

  “You’ve told no one else?” I said. He nodded. I waved him to sit down at an empty table at the edge of the cafe.

  “That’s why I came to find you. I wanted to tell someone and the only person I could tell is you.”

  ‘Hmm, fair point.’

  “OK, but keep it quiet,” I said. We both leaned in close, and I kept a nose out for any vampires; I figured they were the only people who would be able to hear us.

  “Your blood, it’s full of plasmids,” he said.

  ‘Plasmids?’

  “Er… bacterial DNA?”

  “No, no, eukaryotic plasmids. Human DNA that has been twisted into a circle. It’s just floating around in your blood. I didn’t even know it was possible.”

  “Gross,” I said, wrinkling my nose up.

  He laughed. “Well… yes, but that’s probably what vampirism is.”

  I chewed on my knuckles thoughtfully. “I did think it was odd that vampires drink and exchange blood. Though it would make sense if there is DNA in it, but there isn’t normally much DNA in human blood, ’cos red blood cells don’t have a nucleus.”

  “If there’s DNA in a vampire’s blood, then when vampires exchange blood with each other, they are passing DNA round. It’s exactly like what bacteria do to pass immunities to each other.”

  I nodded.

  “I’ve not sequenced your plasmids yet, but there’s definitely a significant amount of extra-cellular DNA.”

  ‘Weird, very weird.’

  “Wow.”

  “Do you want to see?”

  “Yes, but not yet. I’ve got to do the next bit of the experiment.” He looked at me. I grinned. “Hey, you know when you said I was promiscuous, and that vampires are promiscuous?”

  He nodded.

  “Well, they’re a whole different league.”

  He looked at me in surprise.

  “Seriously! You know I like casual sex, right?”

  “Uh, yes.”

  “But with one person a night, usually followed by conversation or coffee. Well, some of them are up for that, but a lot of them just sit there, switching blood with each other in groups.”

  “Oh.”

  “This means that I’m relatively non-promiscuous for a vampire!” I said triumphantly.

  He chuckled. “It makes sense biologically, perhaps. They’re mixing and passing on the plasmids as quickly as they can.”

  I shrugged. “Maybe they need the oxygen or haemoglobin? I dunno what. Maybe the DNA is just what makes them into a vampire?”

  “I’ll have to actually sequence the DNA first to know.”

  “So, it’s not a virus then?”

  He shrugged, then smiled. “I have no idea, but it doesn’t look like it. I’m going to do more research. Tell me, what’s the next bit of the experiment?”

  “Oh, vampiric group sex.”

  He gave me an odd look. “I thought it wasn’t your thing?”

  “Not my preference, really, but hey, I’m open to experimentation.”

  He laughed at that.

  “But I… er, switch blood lots, and then we take another blood sample from me.”

  He nodded, getting my idea in its totality.

  “Well,” he said, with a grin, waving his hand around. “Get to it, Clarke! This is important scientific research.”

  I laughed at that.

  He pushed his glasses back up his nose. “I’m going to go back now and see how the sequencing is going.”

  “Cool, see you soon,” I said. I wandered back to my table. Rob was giving me one hell of a dirty look.

  ‘Does he not like Cleckley? I thought everyone did.’

  “What’s up, Rob? Don’t you like Cleckley?” I asked.

  “Clarke, are you sleeping with him?”

  I was taken aback by that and frowned at him. “I don’t like questions like that.”

  ‘Because the answer is usually ‘well, yes, occasionally’. Then I get bawled out. But Rob has no right to bawl me out.’

  “And it’s none of your business,” I added.

  ‘I could tell them I’m not, but then they might ask about all the others and, well, I have no problem with what I do, my partners have no problem with what I do, but other people who aren’t even involved always seem to have a problem with it.’

  I glared at Rob.

  ‘Then again, there’s Cleckley’s reputation to think of. If he isn’t someone who indulges in casual sex, he probably won’t want everyone thinking that he does; it might stop him from being able to chat up someone he does like. Hmm, so I had better tell them then.’

  “However, I am not sleeping with him.”

  “By all accounts he is the only one,” muttered Jane. I raised an eyebrow at her.

  ‘So she listens to the grunts’ gossiping then.’

  “Really?” said Anna incredulously. I didn’t bother replying to that.

  “You expect me to believe that?” asked Rob. “After seeing you jump up like a dog wagging its tail when he came in”–I frowned at that–�
�and bound over there for a private little tête-à-tête?”

  ‘Wow, calling me a dog, nasty.’

  “Rob, I do not care what you believe or don’t believe. Personally, I would suggest trying to find out the truth and believing that–”

  ‘Well, except about me, now is not the time for them to find out about vampirism.’

  “–but do what you want,” I said with a shrug. “Just don’t call me a dog,” I added.

  ‘I’m more like a cat, as Anna said.’

  He looked annoyed: ‘Why?’

  “And I don’t see why you’re annoyed either,” I said, glaring at him. Then I sighed. “Rob…” I shook my head.

  ‘I do want to tell him about me being a vampire so I can show off my spaceship. There is a lot of space out there, unexplored by me, and now I can’t take him along and it’s all his fault.’

  “Well…” He trailed off into quietness and looked moody.

  ‘Fine, then. I’m not telling them now. He’ll take it all the wrong way.’

  Everyone was quiet and looked awkward. “OK, guys, thanks for lunch. I’m heading off now,” I said.

  “Where?” said the robot.

  “Gonna do some shopping, some duelling, some science research.”

  ‘Heh.’

  “Oh, and is there a library on this hunk of junk?”

  “Yes, level twenty-four, but I can find you any books you might need,” said the robot. I grinned.

  ‘I need books on piloting spaceships, but I can’t ask now without giving away what I plan to do to the robot.’

  “Ah, I’ll ask you about those later. See you,” I replied.

  “You don’t have to go,” said Anna resignedly. “Stay.”

  I smiled at her. “I would, but I’ve got things to do, sorry.”

  “You like being on your own, don’t you?” commented Mark.

  ‘Eh? What a strange thing to observe.’

  I shrugged in reply.

  ‘I can’t take them flying or duelling with me since they don’t know I am a vampire. I ought to tell them, but I don’t really know how to. And anyway, they don’t need to know. After all, the only reason I need to tell them is so that Rob can come up in the spaceship with me–he’d love that–except at the moment he’s in one of his dark moods and I don’t really want his company. So, yes, I have to go and play with my future self’s spaceship by myself.’

  I looked at the robot.

  ‘He said that they react badly when they do find out.’

  I shook my head.

  ‘I meant for them not to find out. Maybe I could have kept them from knowing if I were a normal vampire, but I didn’t realise that I am personally famous and known to be a vampire.’

  “Robot, you have to stay here,” I said.

  “No, Clarke, you are going to do something dumb like crash into an asteroid.”

  I smiled at him. “No, your well reasoned arguments have put me off. I am going to be sensible and safe and put myself in a position of having people stab me instead,” I commented with a grin. “And anyway, if you follow me I’ll just run away, so why don’t you hang around with Rob for a while.”

  The robot regarded me with his TV eyes. “OK, Clarke.”

  ‘I wonder if he would follow me anyway?’

  I said goodbye again and sauntered off towards the vampiric parts of Tortuga, detoured through the duelling arenas then cut through towards the elevators and punched the button for my docking bay.

  ‘This is interesting. If the robot trusted me and watched me over the internal cameras, he will be trundling after me now. If he doesn’t trust me, well, he has had more than enough time to get down to the docking bay. So which will it be?’

  I paused, and punched the button for one of the pirate-y levels. I wandered around for a bit, considering shopping, but I wasn’t in the mood and found myself up at the bar in the Devonshire Arms, pondering Mark’s comment over a pint of cloudy cider.

  ‘Do I like to be on my own? I tried to get my friends to come with me, but it all got fucked up.’

  I sighed and swirled the dregs around.

  ‘I don’t want to be on my own. I just seem to end up that way.’

  “You want another, love?” asked the bartender. I stared at him in confusion.

  “Hey, do you know if anyone called Jonathan Price has come aboard recently?”

  ‘After all, the robot said he’d tell me if Price did, but…’

  “Um…”

  ‘Well, the robot might not know, Price wasn’t travelling incognito, but would he register himself as here?’

  “Y’know, I don’t gossip, love. A good bartender knows how to listen, but not how to tell.”

  I stared at him.

  ‘A good rule if you’re going to be serving drinks to pirates, I guess.’

  “Forget I said anything,” I said. “And, er, yeah, why not pour me another.”

  I looked at my watch. The robot had obviously decided to not follow me down here to check I didn’t steal any ships, but another half an hour wouldn’t hurt, just in case he’d decided to stake out the docking bay. As I started on the next cider, a grubby pirate wandered up to me.

  “I hear youse looking for someone,” he said.

  I eyed him. “What’s it to you?”

  He laughed. “Maybe I knows things of use?”

  I sighed. “Well, maybe you do, or maybe you’ll just make up some shit to lighten my purse?”

  The pirate laughed in a phlegmy way. “Who you after? Someone owe you money?”

  I sighed.

  ‘Is it worth trusting this guy? What’s the minimum I can tell him?’

  “Look, I tell you what, if a guy called Jonathan Price comes aboard, come and tell me at the Silvered Cloud. It’s docked in bay three.”

  The pirate raised his eyebrows.

  “An’ if I’m not there, leave the message with Dr. Cleckley, understand?”

  “And what’s in it for me?”

  I sighed. “Ten thou.”

  The pirate grinned, showing off his nicotine-stained teeth, so I knew I was overpaying.

  “And I know Jonathan. Don’t think you can just bring me some random and expect to get paid.”

  The pirate laughed again. “Sure, Clarke, have I ever screwed you?”

  I stared at him.

  “I hope you haven’t,” I said eventually.

  The pirate sauntered off, whistling.

  I looked around the bar. None of the drinkers were paying me any extra attention, but the bartender was watching me in the mirror. I didn’t have to wait long to find out why.

  A tall vampire in grubby black trousers, a red ruffled shirt and a black jacket with red trim, braid and the words ‘Tortugan Security’ written on the back wandered over. I stared at him.

  “Hi, Alucard,” I said as he approached. “What happened to the fancy duds?”

  He paused in shock and then looked around.

  “The back. Now,” he said and stalked off to the back of the bar.

  No one was paying me any attention except the bartender, who was pretending to clean a dirty glass. As Alucard walked through the bar, most people sat up straighter and at least made a pretence of trying to hide whatever they weren’t supposed to be doing there.

  I unfolded myself from the seat and followed him.

  “Very bloody funny,” said Alucard. He wasn’t even bothering with the fake posh accent anymore. “What’s up with you? You drunk? You think it’s funny to tell the whole fucking bar I’m Alucard?”

  “Sorry,” I said in confusion. ‘Is it supposed to be a secret?’

  “Anyway, I hear you’re looking for Price?”

  I looked over at the bartender.

  “What’s the fucker done this time?” said Alucard.

  “Excuse me?”

  “Sorry, but he is a bit of git, isn’t he? And whenever you’re looking for him, someone turns up dead. What trouble is he in this time?”

  “Uh, you know him?”
>
  “Yeah.”

  “We are talking about the same guy here, right? Shorter than me, dark hair, black eyes, travels with a coffin?”

  Alucard rolled his eyes. “Wouldn’t surprise me if he did. Yeah, I know him, he’s always causing some trouble–”

  ‘Could it be…’

  “–and for some reason you’re always telling me to spring him–”

  ‘Do I go back in time and take Price with me?’

  “–but I swear the git thinks it’s funny.”

  ‘Why would I do that? I don’t want to go back. Why wouldn’t I stay here with him? But I suppose if I have to go back, I could–’

  “Clarke?”

  “Sorry, what?”

  “Are you actually worried about him? Just how much trouble is he in this time?”

  I sighed. “I don’t know. I just… Look, if he comes aboard, let me know.”

  “OK.”

  “And if you see him tell him…”

  ‘Tell him what, Clarke?’

  I shook my head. “Just tell me if you see him. He might come here.”

  Alucard shrugged. “OK, if that’s what you want.”

  I nodded.

  He got up. “I’d better get on with trying to keep the peace then.”

  ‘I take Jon back with me?’

  * * *

  The elevator doors started to open. I misted then drifted out into the docking bay. I coasted along the ground towards the ship I had used yesterday and reformed outside the door. When I looked around me, there was no tetchy robot to tell me off.

  ‘Nice one, Clarke, you are trying to steal your own ship! Heh. Anyway, since when do AI robots tell me what to do? No one tells me what to do. My future self owns this ship and that means I can use it, so why shouldn’t I? That said, it would have been nice to ask an intelligent computer whether my ship has enough fuel to get to the dust sculptures or not.’

  I climbed aboard the ship, checking for any hidden recalcitrant robots.

  ‘Nope, home free. Nice; he trusted me, more fool him.’

  I turned the ship on and decided to take off myself this time. It wasn’t that hard really. My ship spoke to Tortuga to open the docking bay and request permissions. All I had to do was move forwards slowly, and since I had some sort of hovering engines based on anti-grav technology for use at slow speeds, this was really quite simple. The docking bay opened on the stars.

  ‘Wow, that is still cool.’