Handle Me with Care

by Rolfe, Helen J

Puffed white clouds meandered across the sky as she looked back the way Evan had gone, but of course there was no sign of him. Was he still running? Or was he, like her, thinking about what might have been? Her and Riley’s friends had drifted off one by one after he died – perhaps not consciously, perhaps simply moving on – so why couldn’t she do the same after all this time? She thought about how close she’d come to telling Evan about Riley this afternoon. Maybe she’d had the same urge that he felt the night he told her about the cancer. Did they have a connection that made them instantly trust one another, made them immediately want to share the details of their lives with one another?

  Maybe Evan actually was her second chance to be happy. But it still didn’t stop Maddie’s niggling doubts that the pain of the past could be happening all over again.

  Chapter Ten

  ‘Ava, guess who’s here?’ Holly lunged at him and dragged Evan inside the moment she opened her front door. ‘Please, please rescue me,’ she said, hands clasped tightly together, pleading. ‘Ben’s still at work and Ava is having one hell of a tantrum. I thought she was getting too old for this, but she’s having a complete meltdown and won’t take any notice of me.’

  Now this was something Evan felt sure he could handle: a four-year-old girl who was totally besotted with her cool uncle. This would be a breeze compared to what he had been trying to get his head around these past few days.

  He pulled Ava’s favourite bunny, Mr Snuggles, from Holly’s hand. ‘Reinforcements,’ he assured her.

  Tentatively, he turned the door handle to the bedroom, crouched down, and pushed the bunny’s nose, then cheeks and whiskers around the side of the door frame. He chuckled quietly; the light relief felt as though he’d had a sprinkling of fairy dust at Ava’s door – the dust that she made out of glitter and torn up rose petals, insisting it was magic. What he would give right now to go back in time and have that childhood innocence all over again.

  The sobbing continued, but when he heard a couple of stunted gasps, Evan knew Ava had seen Mr Snuggles. He poked the bunny’s front paws around the door until a giggle told him he’d done it. In a squeaky, girlie voice he would never, ever do in front of his mates, he said: ‘Mr Snuggles has a special guest and would like to invite him in for a tea party.’

  The door flew open, and Ava ran at Evan. ‘Uncle Evan!’ He scooped her up and hugged her tight as she clung on like a koala on a gum tree, legs and arms tightly clasped around his torso.

  ‘Thank you,’ mouthed Holly with eyes closed and a nod. She left them to it and escaped to the other end of the house.

  Evan sat cross-legged on the floor in Ava’s bedroom, grateful that the lump was only uncomfortable, not painful. He wondered how much of the discomfort was in his head rather than his groin; was it only uncomfortable because he knew it was there?

  Ava pottered around her bedroom in the compact house that sat in Port Melbourne, a stone’s throw from the beach. She arranged bright pink plastic tea cups, matching side plates with Barbie designs on the base, a few plastic slices of cake, which looked more than a little used, and a questionable brown plastic burger she insisted was a camel slice; he assumed she meant ‘caramel’, but it was cute listening to words she was convinced were the right ones, and so he hadn’t started an argument when she refused to accept his correction.

  When they’d had their tea, Evan sat with Ava and Mr Snuggles on her purple beanbag and read a story. Ava’s head lolled out of exhaustion from the tantrum, and when they finished he tucked her in, and Holly went in to say goodnight.

  ‘You’ve got the magic touch,’ said Holly as she crept out of Ava’s bedroom. ‘I think the tantrum really wore her out. She’s fighting to keep her eyes open.’

  ‘What’s the matter, sis, can’t handle the pace?’

  ‘Hey, don’t knock it until you’ve tried it. Parenthood is hard work, and all those people who think a stay-at-home mum has it easy need to come and spend a day in my shoes.’

  He pulled a face as his sister went off into a familiar rant.

  ‘Sorry.’ She lined up two wine glasses. ‘It’s been a long day, that’s all.’ She toasted his glass, and not waiting for a return clink, she took a generous gulp of the rich Merlot and closed her eyes.

  ‘Number two not on the way yet, then?’ he joked.

  She opened one eye. ‘Not yet.’

  ‘Ah, so you’re thinking about it?’

  ‘I wish I’d done it sooner to be honest. But it just didn’t happen.’

  ‘Oh. I didn’t realise, sis. I assumed—’

  ‘Everyone assumed the same, don’t worry. Everyone thought we were content with one child, and I didn’t want to tell anyone that we weren’t having any luck, because if Ava is all we have, then so be it. It’s just that I had visions of at least two siblings running around together – you know, like we did.’

  ‘We used to fight too. Don’t you remember?’

  ‘Of course I remember.’ Holly’s voice bubbled as she opened up a packet of Tim Tams and proffered the smooth chocolate-coated biscuits to Evan.

  ‘What?’ he asked.

  She nodded towards the stack of three that he had taken. ‘I’m wondering how you stay looking so fit and healthy when you put away alcohol and chocolate biscuits?’

  ‘I only indulge when I’m here.’

  ‘Rubbish.’ She gathered her long, dark ringlets together and wound the pink band that had been lying on the table around three times to secure it in place.

  ‘Can I ask if there’s a medical reason why you guys haven’t been able to have another baby? Or is it a case of not enough sex with Ava running loose?’

  ‘Eurgh, Evan! You’re my brother! Ask all you want about the medical side, but steer clear of any questions about sex.’

  ‘It’s a deal.’

  She sighed. ‘They call it “secondary infertility”, which is code for we-don’t-know-why-the-hell-it-didn’t-work-this-time. Apparently it’s more common than you’d think. And between Ben’s work, and Ava and everything she needs, some things, like sex, just take a back seat.’

  ‘I thought we weren’t mentioning sex?’

  ‘Oh, be quiet.’ She sipped her own wine thoughtfully and a lot slower than her brother. ‘Besides, maybe you could provide a cousin if things work out with Maddie? Then I wouldn’t need to go through all this again.’ She gestured at a mountain of washing folded at one end of the table and the toy corner, which was no longer a corner but had spilt over to most of the lounge room.

  It wasn’t only the mention of Maddie’s name that made Evan feel as though he had just balanced all his apples on top of a cart in a perfect pyramid shape and one had been yanked out from the bottom, causing the whole lot to topple over. It was also the double whammy that, as well as losing one of his balls, he could lose his chance at fatherhood. The fact that the doctors insisted one healthy testicle was all he would need did little to reassure him. Funny, he had always thought of himself as a positive person, a glass-half-full type of guy, until now.

  He helped himself to a fourth Tim Tam. Seeing Maddie on the beach yesterday had been an unexpected pleasure and a source of great pain: pleasure because he knew his feelings for her already ran as deep as the ocean that crashed right beside them; pain because his future was too unsure, too risky to allow himself to fall for her completely. When they first met he had envisaged a quick fling, no strings attached. But from their first date and from the moment he had stood watching her profile lit up by the flames outside the casino, he knew she was a girl who was worthy of so much more. And it killed him that he couldn’t be the man to give that to her; at least not until his operation and whatever came afterwards was out of the way.

  Evan grinned when Holly followed his lead and reached for another biscuit.

  ‘I don’t feel so bad when I see you do it,’ she justified.

  ‘How are those spinning classes going?’ He topped up both glasses. ‘How’s the hot instructor?’

  ‘Don’t tell Ben, he�
��ll stay in meetings late on purpose so I can’t get to the class anymore. And I need my sanity twice a week, believe me.’

  ‘Don’t worry, your secret’s safe with me.’

  ‘Good sidestep on the topic of Maddie, by the way.’

  ‘I’ve got no idea what you’re talking about.’

  ‘You know exactly what I mean. I touched a nerve when I mentioned her, so come on, out with it.’

  Holly, much like Jem, rarely missed a thing. ‘Seriously, sis, it’s nothing.’

  ‘Bullshit.’

  ‘Hey, talking of which, do you have any cards?’ Evan began to raid the shelves at the side of the kitchen next to the table. ‘I still reckon I can beat you at a good old-fashioned game of bullshit.’

  ‘Come on, Evan. What’s bothering you? Don’t tell me she’s dumped you already after one date?’

  ‘Aha!’ He triumphantly pulled out a pack of cards lurking beneath a Dora the Explorer backpack shoved in between a Wiggles DVD and a textbook about how to raise girls. He untwisted the elastic band. ‘Is it a full deck?’

  ‘I think so, but no guarantees in this house.’

  ‘Okay, then. I’ll deal’

  Holly whipped the pack away from him.

  ‘Hey!’

  She held the pack behind her back as he tried to make a grab for them. ‘Not until you tell me what’s going on. It can’t be that big a deal even if she has dumped you – although it’s a shame, she seemed lovely.’

  ‘Holly,’ said Evan, exasperated. ‘She didn’t dump me. Forget about it, and give me the cards … please.’

  She stared him out.

  ‘I said it’s nothing for fuck’s sake!’

  She gestured for him to mind his language with a child in the house who may or may not be asleep yet.

  He snatched up his wine. ‘Fuck!’ Most of it missed his mouth and splashed down the front of his white T-shirt.

  Holly didn’t give him a look this time. Instead, she watched him as he sunk into his chair, unconcerned at the stains on his clothing.

  ‘I’m your sister, Evan. Talk to me, please. I may have a mummy-brain, but I know something’s going on. What is it?’

  ‘I … I …’

  His eyes filled with tears and he couldn’t look at her. He was a grown man. He didn’t cry, and certainly not in front of his sister. He hadn’t cried since his father died, and he wasn’t going to cry now, damn it. His chair scraped back angrily, and he marched to the bathroom, shutting his sister and the world out while he pulled himself together.

  He took deep breaths, purposely avoiding the mirror above the sink. He didn’t want to see how much of a wimp he looked, how much of a coward. That was how he felt now, and he wondered how much less of a man he’d feel once they took away one of his balls. Balls produced testosterone, the essence of a man, the reason they had their features: facial hair, deep voice, muscles. One testicle was supposedly capable of producing sufficient testosterone to do all that, but doctors were wrong all the time.

  Evan flushed the toilet even though there was no need and went back to face Holly, who was sitting at the table rotating her wine glass stem between her fingers. The mother in her had discreetly mopped up the splashes of red wine.

  She passed him a shirt. ‘It’s Ben’s. Pop it on while I wash yours.’

  Evan did as he was told, and Holly took the T-shirt away to work whatever magic she could. ‘You can wear that one home and I’ll let yours soak,’ she called from the laundry hidden behind a door at the end of the kitchen.

  ‘Thanks,’ he said, his head hung.

  When she took a seat opposite her brother again, she said, ‘Whatever it is, please tell me. I shouldn’t have teased you about Maddie. I didn’t realise how much you liked her.’

  ‘This isn’t about Maddie.’

  ‘Well what, then?’

  Evan felt his lip wobble when his sister reached out and held his hand over the table. They were close, but holding his hand made him realise how real this thing was. He pulled his other hand through his hair.

  ‘I went to the doctor for some tests.’ He cringed as he remembered his GP’s gloved hand checking his scrotum, then later the clinical ultrasound that seemed to go on forever, the sharp needle piercing his skin to take his blood.

  Holly’s hand moved to her mouth, and when he uttered the word cancer, it was no longer his tears that were the problem. He wrapped his arms around his sister as she grabbed a hold of him through her husband’s freshly laundered polo shirt and sobbed.

  When Ben arrived home almost an hour later and had made the usual pit-stop at his daughter’s bedroom before continuing to the kitchen, Evan and Holly were on to strong cups of coffee, and Evan had sunk his fifth Tim Tam.

  ‘Oh, I see,’ Ben joked. ‘Late home from work one night, and another bloke has already got his feet under my table, drinking my good coffee, eating my Tim Tams.’ He placed a firm hand on Evan’s shoulder and gave him a shake in jest. ‘Good to see you, mate.’

  He moved around to the other side of the table to greet Holly, but before he could take off his tie and leave his day at the office behind, Holly leapt up and wrapped her arms around him.

  ‘Hey, hey, hey, what’s all this?’ He looked back at Evan. ‘What’s going on?’

  *

  Evan and Ben sat at a table in the pub. Holly had ushered them out for the rest of the evening, insisting she wanted a hot bubble bath and an early night. She was a good sister to him, sensing that what he really needed tonight was another guy to talk to.

  Evan stared into the amber liquid in his glass and after a large mouthful said, ‘Think I’ll be catching the tram home tonight, with this and the wine I put away at your place.’

  ‘Does that mean the Audi TT is mine for a joyride?’ Ben whistled through his teeth. ‘That’s so cool.’

  ‘I’ll leave it to you in my will.’

  ‘Don’t you let Holly hear you talking like that, you hear me.’

  ‘Sorry, mate, it’s just …’ Evan traced a finger down the condensation of his glass.

  ‘When’s the operation?’

  ‘Don’t know yet. I’m standing by for the good news from the doctor. Should be any day now.’ Evan’s voice dripped with disdain. He glugged back his beer.

  ‘Are you sure you should be having a skinful if you’ve got an operation coming up?’

  ‘Probably not, but I’m about to lose one of my balls, Ben, so I’m thinking I should make the most of every remaining moment I have left as a man.’

  ‘Evan, this doesn’t make you any less of a man.’

  ‘Doesn’t it?’ When Ben frowned at him, Evan softened. ‘I guess you’re right. But if I don’t make jokes I may actually start thinking about how real this all is and the possibility that it really is cancer and I could die.’

  Evan bought two more beers. It was quiet tonight with a handful of punters dispersed around the room, leaving them at one end of the bar in relative peace as Evan explained why the doctors wouldn’t perform a biopsy first.

  ‘Unfortunately, the only way to be a hundred per cent sure of what I’m dealing with, whether the lump is cancerous, is to do the orchidectomy,’ said Evan.

  ‘Brutal.’

  ‘Yeah, you could say that. Losing my ball is kind of a fait accompli.’

  Telling the family was always going to be traumatic, but at least now he had another man to talk to. Since seeing Maddie on the beach yesterday afternoon, his head had been in even more of a spin than ever.

  Evan pulled the snack menu away from Ben, who wasn’t even focusing on the task in hand, and headed to the bar to order a bowl of wedges.

  When he returned he said, ‘Holly told me you’ve been trying for another baby.’

  ‘Don’t change the subject.’

  ‘I have to, or I’ll be a big girl and cry.’

  ‘Yeah, I’m not sure I want you crying on me.’

  ‘It wouldn’t be pretty.’

  ‘I’m sure it wouldn’t,’ said Ben,
humouring him and changing the subject. ‘It happened so fast for us with Ava I suppose we assumed it would be that way again. Mind you, back then we were having a lot of sex – good sex. Sorry …’

  Evan made a face. ‘Yes, thanks for that image of you both going at it like rabbits. I was hoping you’d had the Immaculate Conception with Ava.’

  ‘I won’t give you any more details, don’t worry,’ he chuckled. ‘I guess Holly and I have this vision of Ava with a brother or a sister – you know, building hide-outs, getting muddy in the back garden. I do all those things with her, but it’s not the same, is it?’

  ‘The problem is, Ben, that you both had pretty idyllic childhoods with fantastic siblings.’

  ‘Bollocks!’

  Evan screwed his face up.

  ‘Sorry,’ Ben grimaced, ‘bad choice of words.’

  ‘My point is, it could still happen, especially if the medical professionals don’t see why it shouldn’t. And like you said, you have Ava.’

  ‘So we should be grateful?’

  ‘That’s not what I meant exactly. What I mean is that you have a child who’s happy and healthy, and if you don’t end up having any more then, yes, you’ll be gutted, but you only have to look at Ava to be reminded of what you do have.’ He took a gulp and let the amber liquid slide down his throat. ‘Who knows whether I’ll end up having a family? I always thought I would, but …’

  ‘So what’s the deal with this orchi-whatever?’

  ‘Orchidectomy,’ Evan corrected.

  ‘That was it, so how does that affect the likelihood of you being a father?’

  Evan sank back into the maroon velour seat. ‘Apparently with one remaining healthy testicle, it shouldn’t be a problem.’

  ‘There you go, then.’

  Evan almost added that Ben’s simplifying of the situation was easy to do when you were married with a child, but he knew the man was trying to put him at ease and not add to the worry that already swam around in his head with all the aggression of a piranha waiting for some flesh to sink its teeth into.

  He pulled a hand through his unruly hair which, with everything going on, was starting to show its hidden curls in the absence of a haircut. ‘I want a family, Ben. I can’t believe how much I want it, how little I realised it until now.’