Handle Me with Care

by Rolfe, Helen J

  ‘I’m sorry.’ She picked up her bag, and his voice followed her as she ran from the apartment all the way home, adrenalin pumping enough to not worry about being out alone late at night.

  When she dumped her keys on the stone kitchen bench, they clattered in the silence. She sat for a while, staring at the shadows cast from the furniture in the glow of the moon from the outside. She listened to the odd groan and creak of the building as it slept soundly.

  She opened the balcony doors and shivered as the breeze kissed her bare shoulders, and outside, she stood engulfed in darkness, looking towards the lake which was barely visible. She wondered whether she could only see it because she knew it was there. Tonight the Albert Park Lake was innocent and still, silent; in March it had been the home to the Grand Prix, alive and vibrant, completely at odds with what it was tonight. How quickly things could change in your world.

  A siren in the distance made her recoil from the railing. She stumbled back, scared that she may fall despite the glass panels, that she might plummet into the blackness of the last decade from the moment Riley was killed. Tears pricked her eyes as she thought of Josh and what had just happened. He was a nice guy; he didn’t deserve someone like her messing up his life because she had no sense of what was happening in her own.

  Tonight, the temptation to have sex with Josh and lose herself in his arms had obliterated her mind of everything else. But for the first time in a long time, the reality had taken over before it could happen. And now, in the safety of her apartment, all she wanted to do was sleep in her own bed.

  *

  What time was it? Maddie sat bolt upright, confused. Why was the room so dark? She grabbed her iPhone, which once illuminated, told her it was 3 a.m. and it hadn’t been her alarm at all, but a text.

  She focused on the message; it was from Evan.

  His name was enough to bring her to a sitting position beneath the duvet, and she anxiously grabbed each word in turn, as though it were a small jewel to treasure:

  Been thinking about you – a lot. If it’s not too much to ask I’d really like to see you again. How about tomorrow arvo, beneath the clocks at Flinders Street Station? Evan.

  Her hands shook as she re-read the message four times. She felt like a teenager with her first Valentine’s, trying to commit the words to memory. But any feelings of joy were quickly nullified when she thought of how close she had come to sleeping with Josh. She felt disgusted with herself, repulsed that she had been intimate with him when the only person she had been able to think about was Evan.

  She left the iPhone perched on her bedside table, and despite it being the early hours of the morning, she headed for the shower. She turned the taps on full blast, stripped off her pyjamas and let the water drench her from head to toe, hoping it would wash away the guilt and the pain from the past. And along with the water droplets the tears fell. This was what she couldn’t handle: the confusion, the not knowing, the thinking that one minute you knew where your life was headed, but the next, you found yourself travelling in a completely different direction.

  ‘Fuck you, Caitlin!’ She screamed, her head resting against the warmth of the tiles. ‘Fuck you!’

  When Riley died, the mooring that had kept Maddie a part of his family had been slashed, and Caitlin had drifted off into an unknown ocean, shutting down emotionally in her own grief and leaving Maddie all alone on the shore. But right now, inexplicably, the only person Maddie wished she had in her life to talk to was Caitlin. They had been so close for so many years that she wished she could see her, shake her, find out why she had said those words to her, why she had cut Maddie out of their lives.

  Maddie wrapped herself in the soft, ocean-blue bath towel and sat on the edge of the bed, holding her iPhone. She blamed Caitlin for her inability to move on, for the comfort she found with men with whom she had no commitment. After all, there was no dishonouring of Riley’s memory when she was with those men; they were no replacement for the love she once shared with Riley. Evan had been the first man with whom plans and dreams of the future had even entered her mind; he was so much more than an aid to forgetting the past.

  She tapped in a reply to say that, yes, she did want to meet him, and his reply came through so quickly her insides flipped.

  So, you can’t sleep either, huh?

  Maddie tapped away again, her fingers flying expertly across the screen.

  It happens sometimes :-)

  She added the smiley face and held her breath, waiting for his reply, enjoying the buzz the repartee gave her.

  I’d better say goodnight as I’ve got a busy morning, but I’ll see you underneath the clocks tomorrow at midday x

  The kiss at the end stopped her mid-flow pulling her pyjama top over her head. The top sat around her neck, the arms hanging loose at the sides. She knew now that she wasn’t ready to forget Evan, and, it seemed, Evan wasn’t ready to forget her either.

  *

  Evan dumped his sweaty running gear in the washing machine. This apartment was the place he had called home for almost three years now. Bought off the plan and his first non-shared place, he had made it so much more than a bachelor pad. Oh, it had its signs: the latest plasma dominating the lounge area, the black leather couches and the stash of stubby holders taking up an entire shelf in one of the cupboards next to the fridge – designs included the Australian flag, as well as a fair few representing his footy team, The Demons – but Evan’s apartment also had a coffee table, a rug in the centre of the lounge and paintings on the walls.

  He pulled on jeans and a long-sleeved blue grandad top and grabbed his black Barbour jacket before he left his apartment and headed towards Flinders Street. He hoped the walk would help him to work out what to say to Maddie. He had run around Albert Park Lake that afternoon, and for the entire five kilometres he had pondered what he should, or shouldn’t, say. Texting Maddie last night hadn’t been something he had planned, but he was glad he had finally done it.

  When he arrived at Flinders Street Station, Evan stood beneath the clocks that sat in a line above the main entrance to identify expected arrival times for trains on various platforms. He felt more nervous than he had on any date before, including his first ever date with Donna, the girl who was two years older than him, asked him out, and to whom he had lost his virginity.

  He ran a hand through his hair and watched as a group of teenagers scrambled frantically up the steps to catch their train. And then, there she was. The waves of her hair lifted delicately in the breeze, hypnotising him. Her jeans did nothing to deter his eyes from her neat little figure, nor did the navy and white striped top with a sheer finish that made his mouth open and his groin awaken with longing. He hadn’t been prepared for such a reaction.

  Maddie pulled her black cardigan around herself as she reached the spot where he stood. Was she cold or had she seen him gazing at her like he had never seen a woman before?

  ‘Hi.’ How was it possible for one little word to sound so lame?

  ‘Hey,’ she replied.

  Should he kiss her? Man, this was harder than he thought. He took the brave – or was it the easy? – option and bent down to kiss her on her cheek, but he knew he came off more like a nervous school boy than a grown man with a full-time job, an apartment and the ability to drive legally.

  ‘It’s good to see you again, Maddie.’

  She scooped her hair behind her ears, but the wind refused to let it stay that way. ‘It’s good to see you too.’

  ‘Let’s head over to the laneways, find somewhere for coffee.’

  They followed the steps down at the front of the station, waited for a tram to pass and then crossed the road to a small laneway filled with the aroma of coffee beans and the sounds of chatter and clinking cutlery against plates.

  A waitress seated them outside at the first venue they came to, and they sat beneath an outdoor heater that hissed its bright orange circle of heat as Maddie placed her order.

  ‘I’ll have a large skim milk
hot chocolate please.’

  ‘Make that two,’ said Evan, shutting his menu firmly. He could barely take his eyes off of Maddie, and wasting time looking at the menu was something he didn’t want to do.

  ‘I didn’t place you as a hot chocolate drinker,’ she said when the waitress left them alone.

  Even the sound of her voice had the ability to get him excited, or was it watching her lips as she spoke? He had no idea but tried to keep his feelings under control, at least for now. ‘I’m usually a coffee man – tea if it’s with Jem – but hot chocolate is great in autumn and winter. It’s a bit of a meal in a cup.’

  His nerves had obviously got the better of him, and words raced out of his mouth at the same rate as his pulse hammered against his insides. He was talking utter bollocks.

  ‘I like the way you think,’ said Maddie. ‘Although, I think it’s probably soup that’s a meal in a cup.’

  Today felt far more intimate than their first date had been, and he was glad when she spoke again to save him from trying to think of something intelligent to say.

  ‘How’s Jem?’ she asked.

  ‘She’s grand. Strangely enough, her wrist doesn’t seem to be giving her any problems at all.’

  ‘Funny that,’ Maddie sniggered.

  ‘It must be a miracle because she’s talking about playing lawn bowls.’

  ‘Well you can’t blame her for trying,’ said Maddie, who smiled at the waitress when she placed the decadent hot chocolates in front of them. ‘I think you could be right about that meal in a cup.’ She took her spoon to tackle what looked more like a sumptuous dessert than a hot drink. She scooped up some of the whipped cream – it was too much to take in one hit, and she stirred the rest into the hot chocolate that sat beneath.

  ‘I’ve been for a run so I’ve earned this,’ Evan said, doing the same with his cream. ‘We should go running together some time. I know you said you’re a regular.’

  ‘I am. I can’t stand pumping iron in a room full of sweaty bodies. I’d much rather be out in the fresh air.’

  ‘I’m the same. I’ve got a spare room with a set of weights, but that’s about it. Sometimes I attempt a session in the gym at the apartment complex, but fresh air will win for me every time. Maybe we could do the lake or the Tan Track some time.’

  ‘I’d like that.’ Maddie clasped her mug between her hands, halfway through the rich liquid inside. ‘I ran along the beach this morning, but I’ll go again a couple of times this week. I’m on the early shift on Tuesday so I’ll finish at a decent time, how about joining me then?’

  ‘Great. I’d better check that I don’t have any irate parents scheduled for then and I’ll confirm.’

  ‘Do you really get irate parents?’

  He skimmed the top of the liquid in his mug to get another mouthful of cream. ‘Some of them can be a bit pushy, but on the whole they’re harmless. I can handle them.’

  ‘I’m sure you can.’

  He loved the way her cheeks glowed when she spoke.

  ‘Have you heard when your operation will be?’

  The happy feeling he had inside dissolved with her question. Even watching her lips move as she talked and the way she scooped her hair away from her face wasn’t enough to soften the blow.

  He rubbed the back of his neck and found it hard to meet her gaze. ‘Not yet.’

  ‘I’m sorry.’

  ‘Why?’ Please, anything but pity. He could handle anything she dished out, but not that.

  ‘I didn’t mean to bring it up.’

  ‘You mean the cancer?’

  ‘Well, yes.’

  ‘I’m trying my best to be positive, and that’s why I’ve gone back on what I said by contacting you.’ It was time to be honest now. ‘At first I didn’t want to start anything until after the operation, until I knew what I was dealing with. But seeing you at work that day, well it threw me. I couldn’t stay away.’

  Her eyes darted to his hand that had reached out across the table and covered hers. He didn’t miss her sharp intake of breath when he showed no signs of moving it away.

  ‘So what happens now? What will happen in the operation?’

  His manhood had been very much the focus of a second date with other girls, but never in this way. He explained in layman’s terms what the orchidectomy involved – he wanted to answer her questions, but it was hard when they were discussing his balls.

  ‘Once the results go to pathology, I’ll know what I’m dealing with.’

  ‘Have you got someone to go with you? You know, on the day?’

  ‘Yes, of course.’ He hadn’t, yet, but he wasn’t sure he could face their third date being in a hospital room with his virility being tampered with and the woman he was falling for standing by as a witness. ‘Would you mind if we didn’t talk about the Big C? Can we pretend it’s you and me, Evan and Maddie, out on a second date?’

  The corners of her mouth moved upwards. ‘Okay, but before we do, I need to explain why I found the cancer so hard to deal with when you first told me.’

  ‘You really don’t need to explain, Maddie. We were playing an innocent, fun game, and I ruined that by asking what the worst thing was that had ever happened to you. When it got to my turn I hadn’t meant to blurt it out like that, I just did.’

  ‘Well, when it was my turn to tell you the worst thing that had happened to me, I said that a friend had died suddenly. But what I didn’t tell you was that he was my boyfriend.’

  He kept hold of her hand until she eventually looked up at him. ‘Why didn’t you tell me that?’ he asked. Did it mean she wasn’t over this other guy?

  ‘I don’t tend to tell the new people I meet about Riley, because of the sympathy, the way they treat me.’

  He nodded sagely. ‘I’ve been there.’

  ‘You have?’

  ‘When Dad died I hated being pitied, being one of those Quinn children who had lost their father.’ He hesitated. ‘Can I ask why you’re suddenly telling me about Riley?’

  ‘Because I feel that I should. Because I know that losing Riley made an impact on how I took your news about the cancer. I think it would have been a shock anyway, but I think I would’ve handled it a hell of a lot better than I did.’

  ‘You had every right to be shocked. I can’t imagine what it would be like to hear that on a first date.’

  He felt a warm feeling settle in his stomach when she relaxed and smiled up at him, the tips of her fingers curling upwards into the palm of his hand. He would ask her more about Riley someday, but not yet. It felt too intrusive this early on in their relationship and too much had been carelessly blurted out already. He wanted Maddie to open up to him in her own time because he had the feeling there were many complex layers to this girl, and he wanted to peel back each one in turn and savour getting to know her.

  ‘Now,’ he teased, ‘you know the most intimate details about me, and I know some of your past, but I want to know more.’ He watched a slow blush creep up on to her cheeks. ‘Tell me what it was like to grow up in Sydney.’

  ‘What do you want to know?’

  ‘Everything,’ he said.

  They talked about her childhood spent frolicking on amazing beaches, her school days and his, her time at University and her family. When they began to debate the differences between her home city and his, he went into battle for Melbourne and she did her best to do the same for Sydney.

  ‘Well our beaches are pretty spectacular,’ Maddie declared.

  ‘Listen to you: “our beaches”,’ he mocked.

  ‘But … the harbour can be filthy. Have you ever looked down next to one of those ferries? There’s rubbish, the water’s murky. They don’t show that on the postcards, do they?’

  ‘Now that’s true. They’re both very different cities I think, each with their own merits.’

  ‘I couldn’t agree more.’

  The more he got to know Maddie, the deeper he was falling. ‘So, can I ask how the cake business is going?’


  ‘It’s hardly a business.’

  ‘Don’t be so modest. I saw the graduation cake the other day, remember. And don’t forget the penis cake of course. You’re a talented girl.’

  ‘I got two more requests after the graduation party: one for a baby shower and another for a fiftieth.’

  ‘See, what did I tell you?’ He ran a hand through the air as though he were writing words on a sign. ‘Maddie Kershaw, cake extraordinaire.’

  ‘I was thinking I should get some business cards made up.’

  ‘That’s a great idea. Let me have some when they’re done and I can pass them out to my colleagues, perhaps you could even make an ad and I can have it included in the school’s community newsletter. I’m sure there are just as many mums looking to outsource the making of birthday cakes as there are mums who want to make them themselves.’

  ‘I may just take you up on that.’

  They talked about Evan’s family, his mum’s trip overseas and they sifted through his memories of Jem over the years.

  ‘I can’t remember it, but there are enough pictures to prove it,’ he said. ‘Honestly, the woman was petrified that I’d drown in Albert Park Lake every time I fed the ducks, and she would grasp hold of whatever clothes I had on, even if I was a good ten feet from the water’s edge! I’m surprised I’m not too disturbed by childhood memories to go running past it so often.’

  ‘She sounds like a lot of fun.’

  ‘She was. She still is.’

  ‘I couldn’t believe it at the party when she told me she was a hundred years old,’ said Maddie.

  ‘It’s bizarre isn’t it? I think she’s got more energy than the rest of us put together. If you tell her that though, she’ll go on about how she didn’t have all this fancy technology in her day; they played in the park and fresh air until their parents called them inside for dinner. Or she’ll tell you that it’s because she never stresses about food, never says no to cake.’

  The conversation turned to holidays they’d both taken – or wished they’d taken – and then on to television programs they loved or loathed, and favourite bands. The normality soothed Evan, and once the bill was paid and the hot chocolates lined their contented stomachs, he held out his hand.