Handle Me with Care

by Rolfe, Helen J

  She wondered whether to walk away before he had the chance to do just that; the chance to leave her again.

  ‘It’s a charity run for Blue September,’ he explained, closing the gap between them. She noticed the hint of a five o’clock shadow starting to appear across his jaw and his chin.

  ‘Blue September?’ Her belly fluttered now that he was so close.

  ‘I’ll explain later.’ He nodded behind her and she turned to meet Jem, who enveloped her in a hug.

  ‘It’s lovely to see you, Maddie.’

  ‘How are you, Jem?’ Maddie hugged her back and took in the velour marl grey tracksuit, the blue cap pulled down over her grey curls. ‘How’s the wrist?’

  ‘Absolutely fine now, no problem at all,’ she said.

  Maddie and Evan exchanged a sly grin.

  With a comforting squeeze of Maddie’s arm, Jem moved over to where Holly and Ava and another man, whom she assumed must be Ben, were waiting beneath the shade of a palm tree.

  ‘How are you?’ Evan asked.

  ‘I’m good, really good. But listen, I’ll get out of the way before the run starts. It looks like you’ve got a lot of competitors today.’

  His eyes refused to leave hers. ‘Maddie, I’m sorry about Hamilton Island.’

  ‘You’ve obviously got a lot going on.’

  ‘I have, but I still feel bad about the way I left things.’

  He looked over at his family doing their best to look inconspicuous as they watched them both. ‘Can we go somewhere and talk, just over to the car park, away from prying eyes?’

  She’d forgotten what the sound of his voice did to her insides, setting off the fireworks that were only fuelled more when she agreed, and he put his hand in the small of her back in the gesture that she had grown to love, as they walked over to his car.

  ‘Can I?’ she asked, pointing to the bonnet she was about to rest against.

  His laugh released some of the tension of the moment. ‘I’m not that anal.’

  No, you’re gorgeous, kind, funny. But you don’t want me like I want you. Before he had the chance to launch into another breakup speech, she said, ‘I saw Caitlin.’ She wanted him to know; after all, he was part of the reason she had finally done it and she would always be grateful.

  ‘How did it go?’

  ‘Better than expected. She apologised and more importantly, I could tell how sorry she was. I think that every day since the memorial she has regretted what she said and it made her grief so much worse.’

  She scuffed at the gravel with her runners. ‘I wanted to say thank you, Evan.’

  ‘Thank you? Why?’ He was genuinely surprised.

  ‘You talked so candidly about the reasons why I should get in touch with her. Mum did too, but I needed to hear it from someone who didn’t know Caitlin, who didn’t know Riley. Does that make sense?’

  He nodded. His feet scuffed the dirt too, and seeing him mimic what she was doing made her smile.

  ‘She gave me something too,’ said Maddie.

  ‘Ah, you found out what it was?’

  ‘It was a ring.’ She turned to look at Evan. ‘It was an engagement ring that Riley bought before he died. They only found it recently, amongst his belongings that had been boxed up.’

  ‘And how do you feel about that?’

  She didn’t read jealousy on his face, only concern. ‘I couldn’t look at it for ages, but when I did, I felt content. I felt content that he was so happy right up until the end. And even though I’ll never wear it, I’ve kept it.’

  He turned his gaze back to the dirt beneath his feet. ‘I’m really pleased that you’ve made peace with the past. I think that it’ll help you to move forwards.’

  Move forwards where? She wanted to yell.

  ‘Listen, Maddie—’

  ‘Look, Evan. I know what you’re going to say, and there’s really no need. I—’

  ‘Why do women always talk before us men get a chance to say anything?’

  ‘Sorry.’ She watched the rise and fall of his chest beside her. It was agonising not to be able to reach out and hold him, have him hold her.

  ‘I need to explain myself, explain what happened up in Hamilton Island.’ When his eyes settled on her, his pupils were large and hungry. ‘I thought that walking away was for the best, but seeing you now, I know that you deserve to know why.’

  She wasn’t sure that she really wanted to know. She wanted him more than ever, and his proximity to her was more painful than she could have ever imagined.

  ‘When you told me everything about Riley, I fell for you that little bit more, but I realised how much you had been hurt in the past, how you had been let down, and I realised that I couldn’t let that happen to you all over again.’

  His lips twisted as though with each word, it gave him more pain. ‘From the moment I got my diagnosis it was as though everything I could have flashed in front of my eyes. I took for granted that I would meet someone, get married, the whole shebang, when I was ready, and as soon as that ideal was threatened it opened my eyes to the fact that nothing in this life is a given. Everything is so precious. Everything is a risk. It also made me want the dream more than ever.’

  The black paintwork of his car felt hot beneath her hands.

  ‘Maddie, you told me how much you want marriage, kids, the whole works.’

  ‘I knew it. I frightened you off. I—’

  He put a finger to her lips just as he had on the boat over to Williamstown that evening.

  ‘When you told me about Riley, I saw the pain in your eyes. When you told me that you wanted a family of your own, I shared that dream, but when I saw the joy in your face, the hopefulness at achieving that one day, I had to walk away.’ His finger left her lips this time, at the same time that his eyes left her face.

  ‘Why? I don’t understand.’

  A bright pink football rolled up to them and Evan crouched down beside the little girl who came running up to retrieve it. He told her to take it over to the grass area, away from the cars. Maddie felt a twang in her heart watching him interact with a child; it was the same feeling she’d had that day he’d danced with Ava at Jem’s party.

  Evan sat on the bonnet of the car, his fingers millimetres from her own. ‘When you talked about having a family, all I could think about was how I could let you down, how I could hurt you all over again. I want those things as much as you do, but I couldn’t be selfish.’

  The tendons in his arms strained as he wrestled with the right words. ‘I’ve known from the start of all this that one testicle is all it takes to father a child. But there’s safety in numbers I guess, and with one already gone it means that should there be a problem with the other then I lose my chance to be a dad. The doctors assure me that there’s only a low risk of getting cancer in my other testicle and there’s every chance my fertility is fine, but what if it’s not? What if the cancer comes back?’

  ‘Evan, I feel so stupid. I should’ve realised that was the reason.’ She couldn’t believe she hadn’t seen it before.

  ‘Why? I wasn’t exactly giving the information away for free.’

  The teasing in his voice made her smile. ‘And you let me prattle on about kids, marriage, how I wanted all those things. Why didn’t you tell me then?’

  ‘Honestly? Because I know enough about you, Maddie Kershaw, to know that you’re a good person, you don’t push people away when they need you, and my male pride also got in the way and I told myself that I couldn’t bear to have your pity. I wanted you to want me for me.’

  Her heart went out to him. She wanted to kick herself at her own insensitivity. She’d been so preoccupied by her own battle that she hadn’t been able to see how scared he was that he couldn’t live up to her expectations.

  ‘Evan, do you remember that day on the beach when you told me everyone follows their own journey with grief?’

  ‘Those sound like wise words.’ His lips tugged at the corners.

  ‘They were common sens
e words and they were the words that convinced me to call Caitlin.’

  ‘I’m glad to be of service.’

  ‘I think that it’s the same with cancer.’ Maddie tried to ignore the hope whirling in her body as his fingers lightly touched against hers across the bonnet. ‘Every journey with the wretched disease will be different, every person reacts in a different way emotionally and physically.

  ‘Perhaps it’s time for you to realise that you can’t predict the future, you can’t run away from it because of what happened in the past.’

  ‘Have you turned sensible all of a sudden?’

  She fiddled with the strap of her watch. ‘You know it’s too late, don’t you?’

  ‘I know it’s too late for us.’ His voice was barely a whisper. He stood up, closed his eyes and took a deep breath.

  She left the warmth of the car bonnet too. ‘No, I mean it’s too late for me to back away, too late to protect myself in case I don’t get my perfect idea of what the future should be.’ She put a hand against the black running shirt as his heart beat beneath her palm. ‘It’s too late because I’ve already fallen for you.’

  He looked heavenward. ‘What if one testicle isn’t enough to father children, Maddie? What if I can never be a dad?’

  ‘Do you seriously think that I wouldn’t want you because you couldn’t give me children?’

  His face said it all.

  She stood on tiptoes and hooked her arm around the back of his neck, tilting his head down towards hers. She looked deep into his eyes, and their lips touched so softly that she wasn’t sure whether she had imagined it.

  ‘Firstly, not being able to have children wouldn’t stop me from wanting you. Secondly, having children isn’t about being able to provide the sperm.’

  ‘Ouch! That hurt,’ he said.

  ‘What I mean is that anyone can make a baby, but it’s a whole different game becoming a father, being there for that child unconditionally, giving them the best world in which to grow up.’

  She linked her fingers through his as he gazed down at her. ‘What I’m saying is that, yes, I do want a family one day. But if it turned out that you couldn’t have kids, then we can look at other options. There’s adoption, fostering, surrogacy …’

  ‘Steady on.’ He pulled back and looked at her. ‘You’re talking about having kids with me … we’re not even dating, are we?’ His lips formed a grin that reached his eyes as he teased her, but then he turned serious again. ‘I want to give you everything, Maddie. I want to give you the world. What if my cancer comes back? I could die like Riley did. Do you really want to go through that again?’ He reached out and grazed her cheek lightly with the back of his hand before he pulled away like he’d been caught doing something that he shouldn’t.

  ‘You’re right,’ she said matter-of-factly. ‘In fact’—she pointed over to a silver four-wheel-drive reversing out of the car park at the other end—‘I might be running one day and some moron runs me over in a huge car.’ She pointed to the apartments in the distance. ‘I could be in a building, in a lift, and that lift could plummet to the ground.’ She pointed upwards, shielding her eyes from the sun. ‘I could fly back to Sydney for a weekend and the plane could drop out of the sky.’ She took a breath and turned again. ‘I could—’

  He silenced her with a kiss, and then, ‘I think I get it.’

  ‘I spent a long time avoiding being really happy, Evan, because I was always in fear that I would lose someone close to me again. I was afraid to let go of the past, but now I realise that it’s no way to live. Living is about more than breathing in and out each day – it’s about savouring every moment and filling your life with people who love you and with whom you can share a future.’

  Her insides clenched as his lips twitched in that familiar way. She steadied her voice and said, ‘Are you still going to say that you don’t want me in case life doesn’t go exactly the way you planned?’

  His arms wrapped around her waist and pulled her into him until their bodies met. ‘I was going to say that I love you.’

  She ran her hands around his neck, pulled his face close to hers and they leant their foreheads together.

  He pulled back. ‘Why are you crying? I was hoping for a better response than that.’

  ‘They’re happy tears, because I love you too.’

  He kissed the tear running down her cheek, then her lips, her neck, her collar bone. He buried his face in her hair as they stood holding each other. She felt his heart beat strongly, steadily, dependably. And with every inhale and exhale, she knew they had both been brave enough to let themselves into this new world that was their future. She held him tight, breathed in his warm, manly, woody smell that she knew she wouldn’t want to live without again. Their relationship was one built on a strong foundation, and as she felt the stubble of Evan’s chin brush across her lips before he kissed her, she knew she had found ‘the one’ after ‘the one’.

  ‘Promise me something, Maddie.’

  ‘Anything,’ she whispered.

  ‘Promise me you won’t back away, no matter what life throws at us. We’re in this together, for keeps.’

  ‘No backing out,’ she agreed. She took his face in her hands now. ‘And that goes for you too. No more pushing me away, even if you think it’s for my own good.’

  ‘No chance.’ He grinned. ‘You’re stuck with me.’

  And then he kissed her with the same urgency that she had felt building up inside of her since that day on the beach in Hamilton Island. She looped her arms around his neck, stood on tiptoes, hardly daring to believe that they were finally together and this time it was for ever.

  His hands rubbed the skin on her upper arms, ran down the sides of her body to her waist, sending shivers all the way down her spine. ‘Run with me?’ He nodded over to the start line where people were milling, ready for the off, and as they walked over, hand in hand, he said, ‘I don’t suppose you’d like to come back to my place afterwards?’

  They jostled for a good start position amongst the other runners underneath the Blue September banners, and Maddie couldn’t tear her eyes away from the sexy grin that spread across Evan’s jaw.

  ‘Sounds like a plan. Now stop talking. It’s time to man up and run the race,’ she said.

  Right before the start gun fired, he bent down and whispered in her ear, ‘Oh, you’ll find out how much of a man I am.’

  Maddie knew then that she was about to run the best race of her life.

  Epilogue

  One Year Later

  Huntley Primary had such success with their fundraising for Blue September that they decided to do it again the following year, and the first month of spring cooperated with a cloudless blue sky and steady breeze that blew across Albert Park Lake, leaving palm trees and ferns no choice but to bow slightly.

  ‘Do you think you can keep up with me?’ Evan teased.

  Maddie ignored the ribbing as they limbered up at the start line. It had been a whirlwind year in so many ways. Jem had marked her 101st birthday with another knees-up, this time including a tasteful cake of Maddie’s design: a square, rainbow-checked sponge covered in blue icing depicting the sky, and covered on the sides and the top with all of nature’s loves from butterflies, bumblebees and ladybirds, to intricate flowers that had taken Maddie forever to get right when she was still suffering from morning sickness at six months along.

  Maddie waved over at the stroller positioned in front of Jem. In it sat their little guy, three-month-old Sam, waving a giant blue rattle in the air and kicking his legs wildly to keep himself entertained.

  Following last year’s race, Evan and Maddie had headed back to her apartment where Evan had done exactly what he’d promised – proven how much of a man he still was – while Maddie had proven that she was ready to take a chance on love again.

  A month later Evan had arrived at Maddie’s place all set to go out on a run, but instead Maddie had sat him down and presented the stick showing two thin pink lines.
It had taken a few moments for the reality to sink in, but when it did his eyes welled with tears.

  Sam Riley Quinn was born in May of this year. And now Maddie had two new men in her life to love unconditionally and unreservedly, and in return they would do the same for her. Maddie’s parents were doting grandparents visiting from Sydney as much as they could, and both Caitlin and Richard had been overjoyed when little Sam was born, and they had been honoured to attend his naming ceremony.

  When Jem agreed to go and live with her daughter, Martha, Maddie and Evan moved into Jem’s old place in Albert Park. They gave it a fresh lick of paint, a little bit of tender loving care, and of course the wisteria stayed exactly where it was. Jem’s wooden chair had been replaced by a picnic table with a bench on either side, but whenever Jem came to visit, she made sure she sat right beside those lavender flowers, inhaling the scent of the past and appreciating what had gone before as well as what was still to come.

  Maddie had come to realise that to remain frozen in grief would interfere with her capacity to remember the best of Riley. She had had the engagement ring made into a necklace and that necklace, with its pear-shaped diamond, now sat in a box in the chest of drawers in her bedroom. The box containing Riley’s photograph and other keepsakes had been taped up – she wasn’t sure whether she would ever get rid of it, just like she didn’t know whether she would ever wear the necklace. But both were a part of the man who had held her past. The box sat up in the attic these days, along with the doll’s house her dad made her as a child – maybe Sam would enjoy it someday, or maybe they would have a daughter next and she could get as much pleasure out of it as Maddie once had.

  A single diamond solitaire sat on the third finger of Maddie’s left hand as a symbol of Evan, the man who held her future. The cancer was still running scared these days, and if ever Maddie felt her throat closing, her fear bubbling up at what the future may or may not hold, she told herself how lucky she was to have been very much in love, twice.

  Since Maddie had taken maternity leave from her job as a physiotherapist, her reputation as a baker had spread – largely by word of mouth – and she’d spent any free time she may have had making cakes: Ally’s engagement party cake, a friend’s baby shower cake, and, of course, designing her own wedding cake for when she tied the knot with Evan next March. Business was really taking off, and as soon as she’d had the business cards made up and she started distributing them more readily, she found she was thriving on the demand. It was hard to juggle the business with Sam around, but she and Evan made it work.