Three

by D. A. Mishani

  8

  When Emilia sometimes wonders what she means to Gil, what she gives him or what he takes from her, she thinks her role is to help him set up a home and begin a new life after Nachum’s death and the divorce. She believes that is the reason for her seeing Nachum in the flat, that he is trying to signal to her that she has reached the right place. At other times, especially when she tidies Gil’s bedroom, she imagines herself waking up in the morning opposite the window with the trees and the copper bell, but she feels embarrassed by this imaginary picture, and she shoos it away from her thoughts. It is not herself that she should be thinking of. But Gil also seems guilt-ridden over what is happening between them. He asks her over and over again if it’s okay. He says he will stop if he’s doing something he should not do. He apologizes but then touches her face again. He didn’t know this was what would happen between them. He tells Emilia again that he wants her to feel safe, to feel that she has a place that is like home, and that he wants to take care of her and does not want to hurt her. Emilia remembers the days when she was looking for work and a bed after Nachum’s death and the hours she spent in the rented flat waiting for a sign. The despair. The car traffic on the street and the neighbours’ voices coming through the window and then the move to the nursing home, with the three shelves Hava allotted her in Adina’s wardrobe and the sofa she still folds out every night and covers with old sheets. She was waiting for Him to show her the way, and He led her to Gil, but she still does not know if this is only a station on the road she must take. So she never sends Gil messages or calls him on her own initiative—she lets him call and arrange things, and if he doesn’t, she doesn’t even wait.

  In the evenings, after Adina falls asleep, Emilia keeps learning Hebrew from the notebook Nachum made her, because she feels that it’s becoming more and more important that she know his language. And this time it is different, as if the time is right for Hebrew or as if Nachum’s presence helps her, and thanks to him, the shapes become clearer and the words more familiar. She manages to read parts of signs in Hebrew at the nursing home, or when she takes the bus and Nachum is next to her, or in the homeware shop. If she comes across a word she doesn’t know, she draws its shape in the notebook and sometimes asks Adina or Gil or one of the other caregivers what it means. Every evening she copies at least one complete Hebrew sentence into the notebook, from newspapers or brochures she finds in the lobby, or from the church leaflet, which is now always in her plastic bag. She draws slowly, in block letters: “In Jaffa there was a student named Tabitha, meaning Tsivia, and she did many good deeds and acts of charity.” A childhood scene of her drawing letters with her father in a blue notebook at the dining table comes to life in her memory for a moment, then quickly fades, as if it had never existed. She also reads the messages Gil sends her in Hebrew and even manages to answer him every so often with brief messages in Hebrew letters.

  He writes: “I think about you a lot, Emilia.”

  Or: “I saw a shirt I want to buy you. Do you like blue?”

  And then: “I’m sorry I disappeared, Emilia. Can you meet me this evening, late, if possible?”

  Adina senses that something is happening to Emilia, and so does Hava. When she comes to take over from Emilia on Sundays she asks where she’s going and why she’s wearing different clothes. She also interrogates Emilia about whether she ever goes out in the evening and leaves Adina alone, and Emilia says hardly ever, sometimes just for a few minutes to get some fresh air and chat with the other caregivers in the garden. She thinks the best thing that could happen to her now might be for Hava to catch her going out and fire her, so that she will have to look for a new bed and a new home.

  She does tell Tadeusz a little more. He asks what Gil does and when he got divorced and how many children he has, and Emilia tells him about his grief for his father and his flat that is coming to life and the rooms for his two daughters and his generosity and all the money he gives his ex-wife. She does not disclose everything that happens between them, of course, but she does imply that she feels her meeting with Gil was no coincidence, that it is significant to her life. She remembers their first talk, when Tadeusz told her that we don’t always know if we’re on the path He meant for us, but that we have brief moments of knowing, and she feels that he was right. He also told her in that conversation that the way He guides us is always to help others, and that is also why she knows she is on the right path.

  Tadeusz asks how Gil treats her and if he pays her for her work. He’s noticed that Emilia leaves large sums of money in the donation basket, and he asks if she’s sure she can afford it. She says she can but he asks her to put less money in the basket. She detects suspicion or disapproval in his look, and since it is a look that reminds her of Hava, she decides that from now on she will share less with Tadeusz. His tone in this conversation is also different. When he asks if Gil always stays in the flat while she is cleaning, Emilia decides to avoid talking to Tadeusz any more because she finds herself being defensive without wanting to be. She replies that Gil is not always there, that usually he’s at work, even though the truth is that the only time he was not there while she worked was her last time.

  It happens two weeks before Easter. On Passion Sunday.

  Gil texted her on Thursday to say he forgot to let her know he’d be away for work on Sunday and she didn’t need to come that week. But Emilia wrote to say she could take the bus. He replied, “That would be great. And I have to see you later in the week. Can you?”

  He left her a key in the fuse-box cupboard outside the flat, and because she knows the girls will be coming to stay for the first time the following week, she cleans especially thoroughly, particularly the kitchen and bathroom and the small bedrooms. The girls’ wardrobes are still empty, but there is more life in the rest of the flat now. Emilia knows Gil is coming home the next day, and when she puts the colourful cushions she bought in the homeware shop on the couch she imagines the moment when he opens the door and turns on the living-room light. The wardrobe in his bedroom is not full yet either—he must have taken most of his clothes on the trip. In the bottom drawer she finds the files and notebooks and old newspapers with the picture of the woman she saw on her first visit. Instead of throwing them away he’d put them back, and Emilia understands from this that they belong to him and not to the previous tenants. She tries to read the headlines above the pictures in the old newspapers, but she stops at the third word because she does not understand it—“Israeli Woman’s Suicide”—and looks at the identical photographs. She wonders if she should borrow one of the papers and puts it in her plastic bag so she can read more about the woman when she is back at the home. Then she lays the linens out to air on the windowsill she likes. The woman in the pictures intrigues her because she is connected to Gil, or rather because he is connected to her, and that is why she decides to keep reading about her. She knows it’s not his ex-wife, because she saw her when they came to visit Nachum and Esther. The thought of Gil being connected to the woman in the pictures frightens Emilia for a moment, and she wants to know more about her, but she forbids herself to feel that way. She reminds herself that she is not there for herself but for him, and she thinks perhaps it is not a good idea for her to borrow the paper, but it does stay in her bag.

  When the doorbell rings, Emilia is surprised because Gil is supposed to be away.

  She stays in the bedroom, but when the bell rings again she goes to the door and looks through the peephole. She sees a young woman with short, dark hair. The woman must know that Emilia is there, because she rings yet again. When Emilia opens the door the woman apologizes for bothering her and says she lives in the flat across the hall and saw Emilia coming to clean, and she wants to know if she has time to clean another flat, today or any other day.

  Emilia pretends not to understand Hebrew, and when the woman repeats herself in English, she answers, “I don’t know. Not today. Maybe next week.” The young woman is cur
ious and Emilia thinks she’s not only there about the cleaning but because she wants to see Gil’s place. Since only a few minutes earlier she was looking at the face of the woman in the newspaper, she imagines for a moment that this neighbour could be the same woman, but it’s not her. Before she leaves, the woman asks Emilia, “What’s your name?” and then she says, in English, “I’m Yael. Nice to meet you. We’d be really happy if you could clean for us too. Can you tell me how much you charge an hour? Or is it based on the size of the flat?”

  Gil gets back the next night and texts Emilia:

  When can we meet?

  They sit in his car by the boardwalk and he says nothing about the new cushions in the living room or how clean the flat is, but he gives Emilia some perfume he bought for her on his trip, wrapped in colourful paper with a blue ribbon. He asks her to open the package and drizzle some perfume on herself and he smells her neck, but she doesn’t like the smell because it’s too alcoholic. He also bought her a thin green silk scarf, which she likes much more than she shows him when she drapes it over her shoulders. He asks how Adina is and whether Emilia knows yet if she’ll have to move in with her. He apologizes for being less delicate that evening. He tells Emilia, “I thought about you a lot while I was away.”

  Then he says he’s had a great idea: he has another work trip over the Passover holiday, and he would like Emilia to go with him. No one has to know about it, neither his girls nor anyone else, and they can go for a really short trip, two or three days, even. He thought about it the whole time he was gone, and he knows where they should go.

  Emilia is reluctant, and Gil asks, “How long has it been since you went on holiday, Emilia? Not for two hours, I mean for a few days?”

  She cannot remember how long it’s been.

  “And how long has it been since you went home?” he adds, and she looks at him uncomprehendingly.

  Gil explains that his work trip is to Bucharest and he wants to take her to Riga afterwards. The thought of landing at Riga airport fills her with fear and excitement. Then he suggests, for the first time, that they go to Emilia’s place, and he is disappointed when she refuses. She has no choice but to lie to him again, saying Adina is sick and she has to stay with her at the home tonight.

  9

  One night soon afterwards, Emilia has a dream. She is cleaning her parents’ place because they are about to come home after a long trip. She makes their bed, using sheets with a pattern of grey storks flying past clouds, which she remembers from her childhood. She dusts the familiar furniture and slowly draws a sign that says, in block letters, “Welcome Home.” She makes dinner. The three of them are about to meet after a long time, and Emilia has to tell them that she is pregnant, and that this time there will not be a miscarriage. As she dreams she knows she can no longer get pregnant, but the logic of the dream cannot be controlled.

  When the doorbell rings, Emilia hurries to open the door because she is sure her parents have arrived early, but instead there is a woman standing in the doorway who looks like Gil’s neighbour, with short, dark hair, and also like the woman in the newspaper photographs, whose name is Orna. The neighbour asks if Emilia can help clean her flat, and Emilia isn’t sure what to say. She knows her parents will be back any minute and that she won’t have time to clean both places, but she finds it hard to say no because the woman’s voice and eyes are genuinely pleading. “Please,” she says to Emilia, “I’ll pay you however much you want. I need your help.” In the dream Nachum is also in her parents’ home in Riga—Emilia knows this because she senses his presence in her sleep, and when she opens her eyes he is still there, next to the sofa bed in the nursing home.

  When Emilia wakes up she immediately understands the reasons for the dream.

  In the days after his return, Gil does not mention his work trip and his suggestion that Emilia join him, and she tells herself he must have changed his mind. But her imagination breaks through the walls of logic and gallops ahead, taking her back to Riga.

  When they meet for the second time that week, on his initiative, Gil says nothing about it, and Emilia can’t resist asking when he’s going away. She tries to sound casual, as if she just wants to know when she should come and clean. He doesn’t answer.

  They go to their usual café and then to the dark car park by the boardwalk.

  Gil apologizes and says he hasn’t yet decided if he can extend his trip and take her with him. She can tell he’s vacillating, perhaps even stepping back from the idea, and she’s convinced it’s because he’s afraid she will think their relationship is too serious or because he’s embarrassed to be seen with her, even though he says the uncertainty is because of work issues. Earlier that evening, Emilia had drizzled the perfume Gil bought her on her neck and wrists to make him happy, and the sharp scent had lingered in the lift at the nursing home for several minutes. She’d put on a skirt and a pair of pearl earrings borrowed from Adina’s jewellery box. They do not talk about the trip any more, and Emilia tries not to look hurt or disappointed, but apparently she is unsuccessful, because a few minutes after Gil drops her off on Balfour Street, while she is walking back to the home, she gets several text messages from him: “Would you go with me if I bought you a ticket?” “Then let’s do it.” And finally: “Can you find out if you can get a few days off in the next two weeks?”

  Emilia isn’t sure the trip is real, but she agrees and tries to find out if she can take time off. Hava is disinclined. “Why do you need time off?” she asks, “You only started working three months ago, didn’t you? You’re already tired out?” She says now is not a good time, and at such short notice it’s complicated, because the days before Passover are busy and she and her family were planning to go away for the holiday.

  “Where do you want to go, anyway?” she asks, and Emilia doesn’t answer immediately. She doesn’t tell Hava that in their last phone conversation Gil said he wanted to see where she was born and raised and asked if there was a particular place she would like to stay in, and if she wanted to let anyone know she was coming to visit.

  Something in Hava’s reaction seems unusual. Emilia can sense that it is creating a lot of tension between them. That weekend Hava visits them twice, at unexpected times and without notice. She still hasn’t said yes or no, claiming she has to check with her husband, Meir. She asks Emilia again why she’s giving her such short notice, why it’s so urgent, how many days exactly she needs and if she couldn’t put off the trip until summer.

  Emilia could ask Gil to postpone the trip, but she doesn’t want to because she is certain that by then he’ll have changed his mind. In recent days she feels as if he’s angry with her. His eyes are less soft and his fingers are cold and rigid. He looks suspicious.

  On Good Friday, Hava pays an unexpected visit in the late evening, when Adina is asleep. She lets herself in with her key, without knocking first. Emilia is there because Gil didn’t contact her that evening. She’s in her pyjamas, and her hair is wet after a shower. She sits on a plastic chair on the balcony looking at the sea. Hava doesn’t even bother explaining why she’s come so late and doesn’t look in on her mother. They talk about the trip, in whispers, on the balcony, and since Emilia doesn’t want to lie but also cannot disclose the details, she says she was thinking of going to Riga to visit her family.

  In her heart Emilia knows she is much more excited about the possibility of going home than she allows herself to acknowledge. And not only because of her dream. She thinks about how she will not have to care for Adina, and will be far away from the nursing home, and will sleep in a hotel on a made-up bed and not on the sofa in the tiny living room. She plans what clothes to pack and checks the weather forecast for Riga, even though Gil has not given her final confirmation and Hava hasn’t authorized her leave. She has a grey coat with a wool lining that she hasn’t worn even once in Israel.

  She thinks back to her decision not to talk to Tadeusz any more because
of his critical tone last time they met, but she can’t keep her excitement to herself and so she looks forward to Sunday, when she can tell him. She knows how she will answer the questions Tadeusz asks and how she will explain to him why she wants to go, if he has reservations. He is the only person she can tell who she’s going with because he knows about Gil and about Nachum, but she hasn’t decided whether to tell him they’re going away together or lie and say she’s going alone. She is still afraid to believe that the trip is really happening, especially since Gil hasn’t sent her a single message all weekend. When he doesn’t turn up at Balfour Street to pick her up on Sunday, she is certain it’s because he has changed his mind and doesn’t know how to tell her.

  Emilia goes into the homeware shop and waits for him there. She peeks through the display window to see if he’s coming. The shopkeeper asks how she is, but this time Emilia doesn’t buy anything, even though she has quite a bit of money in her purse. More than half an hour goes by. She leaves the shop and wonders if she should go back to the nursing home. She calls Gil but he doesn’t answer, and she walks towards the centre of town. It’s raining and she gets wet, because the morning was spring-like and she left without her denim jacket or an umbrella. For a few hours she feels as lost as she did when she’d just started working at the home, before she met Gil, and she grows fearful. She doesn’t want to go back to the room where Adina and Hava are waiting for her. She calls Gil again but he doesn’t answer. She is sure now that he’s angry with her, but she doesn’t know what she did. Is it connected to the newspaper she took from his drawer? Did he notice before she could put it back? Since he’d kept three newspapers with her picture, Emilia realizes that the woman who committed suicide, Orna, was very dear to him, and sometimes she envies her.