Lost Love

by Nicole Casey

  I poured the boiling hot liquid into the mugs before me and stirred the coffee slowly and distractedly.

  There were hundreds of reasons for Gio to hate me. I felt all of them when we first saw one another again, but everything was much more complex than that. We both had emotions that we needed to work through.

  Just as I made my way into the bedroom with the drinks in my hand I heard Gio’s alarm clock ringing out, reminding me that this might be another awkward time because he had to go to work in a moment. We wouldn’t get the necessary space to go over everything carefully.

  There would be tears, shouting, rage, upset, possible happiness… could we do all of that before nine in the morning?

  Would it be totally cowardly to suggest we did it at another time? Would I even get the opportunity to suggest that? There was only one way to find out…

  “Morning, Gio,” I said as I peeked my head around the doorframe. “Everything alright?”

  Chapter Nine

  Gio

  Are you alright? That had to be the most loaded question ever.

  Was I okay with what? My life? The random sex last night? The fact that we still had everything in the world that we needed to talk about?

  All of it, none of it, what?

  “Erm, yeah.” I forced myself into a sitting position, ignoring the muscle aches that could’ve only come from a night of hot passion.

  “Are you? Alright, I mean?” I asked.

  “I think so.” He chuckled loudly and a bit too awkwardly for my liking. Clearly, he wanted to cover up his real emotions.

  “I don’t really know how I feel and there isn’t much time now to talk about it, is there?”

  I narrowed my eyes at him, wondering if this was just some excuse to leave. I thought I read the room right last night. It seemed like he still had genuine feelings for me, but now self-doubt was creeping right through my body and I wasn’t totally sure anymore. Maybe I just saw what I wanted to see.

  “What do you mean?”

  “Well, you have work in a minute, don’t you? I don’t want to hold you back from the career you’ve built up…”

  He sounded really unsure of himself, which made it even clearer that he was just saying it. This was all just some bullshit he was spinning in an attempt to run away.

  Again.

  Once bitten, twice shy and all that. How had I allowed myself to be fooled twice?

  “Right, okay.” I sipped the drink back, and tried to get my thoughts in order. Only it was too early in the morning for my brain to adjust properly. I just felt really foggy.

  “So, I guess you better get going then.” Oops, that came out much harsher than I intended it to.

  “I mean, if you have somewhere else you need to be.”

  “No it isn’t that.” He stepped forward and held out his arms to me, before thinking better of it and dropping them once more.

  “I don’t want to leave, I just… I want to have more time to discuss things.”

  “No please, say it now.” I placed my mug on the side and folded my arms across my chest. If Derek wanted to end things now, then I needed to know about it. I couldn’t be strung along for even another second. I’d spent enough of my life clinging to the idea of a happy ever after with him; I didn’t intend to keep that up forever.

  If he wanted out, then it was better to know now, while I still had a tiny bit of dignity intact.

  “It shouldn’t take that long, should it?”

  He paced the room, his arms hanging limply by his side.

  “I don’t know, I feel a bit weird talking about this now, in a rush. I guess I never thought I’d have to. I just…” he paused for a second and rubbed his shaved head.

  “I came back here for closure. I didn’t think we’d fall into each other’s arms…”

  Oh shit, it was starting.

  I thought I could handle it, but as the rejection started to come out of his mouth I instantly realized that I couldn’t. I wasn’t mentally prepared enough for any of it.

  “I haven’t been able to move on since I left you. No one has ever compared so I thought…”

  “You assumed that one last screw with me would be enough to help you move on?”

  I wanted to sound angry, but the only emotion coursing through my veins was humiliation. I felt utterly embarrassed that I’d been tricked into a one-night stand. I let love do my thinking for me, and as usual it made all the wrong choices on my behalf. Ice-cold sadness trickled up and down my spine.

  “No, not like that. I’m sorry I’m screwing this up. I don’t mean anything like that.” He shook his head violently, which only made me feel sadder. “I’m sorry I’m so crap at expressing myself.”

  “Look, I think it’s time for you to go, don’t you?” I held out my arm toward my door. I needed him to leave. What he wanted to say was so obvious that I didn’t need it expressly blurted out.

  I just had to be alone.

  “I really do have to go to work today, so this is pointless.”

  “Well, can I speak to you later?” He stood up and gave me a pleading look.

  “I don’t want things to end like this. I want to talk to you properly. Damn it, there are so many things that I want to say but when it comes down to it I keep messing it up.”

  “Derek, you are making my head hurt. I can’t give you any answers right now. I think we both need some time and space to think, don’t you? So why don’t you go back to Max’s and I’ll go to work? Then if I feel like I can talk to you I’ll give you a call.”

  It wasn’t the answer he wanted.

  I could tell from the disappointment on his face, but it was all that I could offer him right now. I moved toward the bathroom, hoping that in the time it took me to have a shower, he would be gone. I couldn’t even stand to look at him again, not now.

  ***

  “Last night was mental, wasn’t it?” Jamie chuckled and clapped my back hard.

  “Thank you so much for sorting out that mess with Nadine. Honestly, I wonder if she’s ever going to get the hint that I’m not into girls.”

  “I think she was just drunk.” I tried my best to be diplomatic about it, mostly because this wasn’t a conversation I needed to be having.

  I wanted to try and get some work done before I had to make one of the biggest decisions of my whole damn life.

  “I don’t think she’ll be giving you any more trouble.”

  “Yeah, well, it was good to have you around, although when it got a bit later I couldn’t find you anywhere. Where did you skip off to? Did you pull?”

  “Oh no, I just… didn’t feel great.” I didn’t want to talk about Derek right now. “But it seemed like everything was good when I left?”

  “Yeah, yeah, it was good. I have a stinking hangover now though. Can’t wait until this day is over.” He rolled his eyes in a mock-exaggerated manner.

  “It’s just a shame the boss is such an ass,” I teased him. “Or he’d let us all out early.”

  “Maybe I will. We’ll have to see. If I start throwing up then we’re all gone, trust me.”

  As he stumbled from the room, still a little drunk, I gave up any pretense of working and I slumped back in my seat.

  I knew now that I needed to make a really important decision. I had to decide whether or not to really protect myself.

  Did I cut Derek from my life completely, choosing my own heart over anything else? I could make that choice and I’d never have to see him again. He would eventually leave again and everything would return back to exactly where it was. At least I’d be safe in the knowledge that we never could have been something real.

  It was either that or call him just to have him reject me to my face. I didn’t think that I could stomach that.

  I couldn’t put this off any longer. I couldn’t move on until I’d decided either way. It was now or never.

  I pulled out my phone and sent out a text to Max. I still didn’t have Derek’s number, and now there wasn’t any real
reason to.

  We were done, for good this time. I hoped it’d be easier knowing that the actual ending of us was on my terms. Maybe it was a bit of a snap decision, but it honestly felt like the right one.

  I needed a life without all the drama and uncertainty.

  I didn’t feel like this was the right path for me. We weren’t teenagers anymore. We both had our own lives and it was time to get back to them.

  Last night was a blip. Nothing more.

  ‘Max, please tell Derek to cease all contact with me. I no longer have anything to say to him. Thank you.’

  It was only a couple of seconds before my phone blasted out with a reply.

  ‘Are you sure this is what you want?’

  Bless Max, he was so caring, always wanting what was best for me. I couldn’t have asked for a better friend.

  ‘It is. And I also want you to come round to tell me all about your engagement. Don’t think I’ve forgotten about it in this mess.’

  I felt so guilty for that. This was such bad timing. I needed to start putting my friend first, especially since I’d made my final decision on my life.

  ‘I know, don’t worry. See you soon.’

  Okay, that was it. I wanted to feel really good about that, I wanted to start looking toward my future with happiness in my heart but I wasn’t quite there yet. I just felt hollow and empty, like a shell with no filling, but it would be okay.

  I’d gotten through it before. I could do so again. I was wiser, older and stronger now.

  I could do it, however damn hard it was.

  Chapter Ten

  Derek

  “Why? Why doesn’t he want to speak to me again?” I asked Max as I tugged hard on the ends of my hair, stress coursing through my veins.

  “What did I do wrong?”

  Hearing the words from that text message crushed my soul. It made me feel like the worst damn person on the planet.

  Max didn’t answer me. He simply patted my back in a comforting way instead. I could tell that he had an opinion on the subject matter, but he didn’t want to share it. I couldn’t blame him for that. He was in an awkward position being friends with both of us.

  I stared up at him pleadingly and begged him to give me something.

  “What do you think I should do now?”

  Max sat down next to me. He sighed deeply and started speaking.

  “Look, you came here for a reason, didn’t you? And I’m not convinced that it was to hook up with Gio.”

  I nodded along. He was all too right with that one.

  It was supposed to be the opposite, but I’d allowed to get myself all tied up in knots once more.

  “So, why don’t you have a think about that? Give Gio his space while you figure your own head out, you know? You don’t want to screw each other up.”

  “Yeah… okay.” I said.

  But how the hell was I supposed to do that?

  I came for closure, to get over Gio so that I could finally move on with my life, but it was clear that I couldn’t be near him without feeling all of those emotions all over again. Gio stirred me up inside, and he made me feel alive. I felt that spark of chemistry tearing through my system with Gio by my side.

  “Right, sure. When did you get so wise anyway?”

  Max laughed and stood up to leave me alone with my thoughts. He’d given me a lot to think about, and now I had the whole long day to go over all of that. I grabbed my coffee and drunk it down rapidly while my mind whirred.

  Gio was out of the question, so what else could I do? I couldn’t leave, not just yet, but where was I supposed to go? Where else did I have unfinished business?

  My parents.

  It suddenly hit me like a thump in the face, my parents, of course! I hadn’t spoken one word to them since the day I ran out, and that was probably tearing me up inside more than I actually realized. Maybe my discomfort in life had as much to do with them as it did this whole Gio mess, and once I sorted that out I’d be much more equipped to cope with everything else. It sure as hell wouldn’t be easy, but at least it was productive.

  My jaw set in a determined expression; I felt my heart beat a whole lot faster.

  This was it.

  This was what I needed to do.

  I downed the rest of my drink and thundered toward the shower to wash myself up for this big day. I hadn’t ever thought that I would do this. I always assumed that once I left that was it forever, especially when they didn’t bother to get back in touch with my written communication, but I was older now. I was an adult; I’d made my choices, and maybe now my parents would finally respect them.

  “Oof,” Bryant cried out as I slammed into him on my way to the bathroom. “Oh, is everything alright, Derek?”

  “Oh, I’m so sorry,” I gushed a little too enthusiastically. “I’m just… I’m…”

  “You look like you have something on your mind?” I liked Bryant a lot. He was good for Max, and he had a really caring nature to him as well. “Is everything alright?”

  “I’m going to see my parents.” I forced a fake smile on my lips.

  “I’m going to make everything better.”

  In that moment, I truly believed I was.

  ***

  My fingers trembled as I extended my hand toward the door that was oddly familiar to me. I thought it would feel strange to be back in this building, I assumed that the years away from this house would make it very unlike home, but it wasn’t. The last few years almost melted away, and I was back to my insecure, teenage self.

  Knock, knock.

  I winced as the sound rang out. I didn’t really knock hard but because of the stressful situation it rang through my head like a painful migraine. Maybe I should’ve planned what I was going to do before I actually delved in there. I just didn’t think because it was the only plan I had.

  Still, too late now.

  “Yes, hello?” My dad’s gruff voice stung my heart. It reminded me so clearly of the last horrible words he said to me. The hate that filled his tone had stuck with me, and more than I’d even realized until now.

  “Derek?” He sounded stunned, which was unsurprising considering. “What the hell are you doing here?”

  “I… I wanted to speak to you.” I’d gone shy. I even curled in around myself a little bit. “I just… I thought it was time.”

  “Why?” He stepped outside the house and practically closed the door behind him, making things very clear to me. Time hadn’t done anything to dull the hate. As he folded his arms across his chest and he stared down at me, I felt a sharp sting behind my eyes. But I wasn’t going to cry, not a chance in hell.

  “Because you’re my family.” I hoped the ‘family’ word would stir something up within him, but from the way his face remained exactly the same, it didn’t appear to work in the way that I’d hoped.

  “Is Mom in?” I tried instead.

  “Your mother doesn’t want to speak to you. Not since you dropped that little bombshell on us and you ran away. Do you know how badly you broke her heart? I will not have you doing that again.”

  “Which part broke her heart?” I asked coldly. This already hadn’t gone anywhere near to plan, so maybe it was a good time to get some of my emotions off my chest. “The fact that I’m gay or the fact that I left? Because I sent letters and they all went very ignored.”

  “Don’t you dare say that word, you know how we feel about it.”

  Red mist clouded my vision, years of hurt floated violently to the surface of my mind. Other people were accepted, no matter who they were, they experienced that unconditional love that I didn’t fully understand. The unfairness of that exploded within me.

  “What, gay? Are you kidding me? You need to drag yourself into the real world, Dad. This is ridiculous. I’m still the same person. Regardless of my sexuality, I’m still me. Now let me see Mom, I have some things that I want to say to her.”

  “I am not going to let you speak to her. You will turn right around and get the he
ll out of here, and we will all pretend that this conversation didn’t happen.”

  He spun back around as if the conversation was over, which pissed me off even further. The old Derek, the young boy he used to know would’ve slunk off at that, but that wasn’t me anymore. I was a damn adult now. I had people who respected me, who treated me right.

  “I am coming in and speaking to Mom,” I told him more firmly, while using my brute force to knock him out of the way. “And there’s nothing you can do to stop me.”

  I only stopped, dead in my track actually, when I spotted Mom cowering behind the other side of the door. She’d heard everything, and she hadn’t said a word. She was simply looking at me with open eyes and fear, like I was something to be distrusted.

  “Mom?” I gasped. “Mom, what are you doing?”

  She glanced toward Dad, taking lead from him as always.

  “Do as your father asks,” she practically whispered at me. “You really need to go.”

  “Are you kidding me? Are you actually joking?”

  I threw my hands up in the air, shock rendering me practically speechless.

  “You’re still going to side with him after all this time? Mom, I’ve been gone for years, you haven’t heard from me in a long time. Are you actually telling me that you don’t care?”

  She didn’t answer me. Her eyes flickered downward to the ground.

  “Are you actually going to let me walk out of your life again? Because if I go this time, I won’t come back.”

  I didn’t ever get the impression that she was scared of my father, more that she just wasn’t quite sure how to stand up to him. He firmly wore the trousers in their relationship, and he gripped tightly onto them with both hands, refusing to let them go.

  “Mom, I’m serious.” I told her, much more firmly this time. “It took a lot for me to come here, you have no idea how much, and now you’re telling me to go? You don’t even want to speak to me? You don’t want to know about my life?”

  Her eyes continued to flicker everywhere.

  “I’m in the army, Mom. You don’t want to know about that?”