Lost Love

by Nicole Casey

  Then he really made me lose my mind, by wrapping those amazing lips around me and taking me to the back of his throat. He did this phenomenal flicky thing with his tongue as he moved his mouth around me. I could remember it from the last time we were together, and it drove me to distraction.

  How had I managed to hold back for so long?

  I’d never had a sexual connection like it. Now that we were back together, exploring one another’s bodies all over again, it seemed absolutely crazy that we’d managed to keep apart, for whatever reason.

  “Stop,” I finally gasped loudly, losing myself far too quickly. “Stop, now.” I sat up, forcing Jon’s head away from me and I kissed him hard. Then I leaned over him, to grab my trousers where I knew for sure I had a condom in my pocket. I wasn’t expecting anything to happen necessarily. I wasn’t trying to be overly hopeful by bringing it with me, but I supposed deep down I must have been slightly optimistic because it was the first thing I grabbed.

  “This time, it’s my turn to take you,” I grinned with a smirk. In all the craziness of the last time we’d been together. Jon had been the one on top, but now I felt like it was my turn to experience what that was like.

  Jon complied, far too willingly, and he lay on his front on the bed. I rolled the condom over me with trembling fingers; the wetness of my length reminding me that Jon’s mouth had been there only seconds before. Then I reached down and flipped Jon onto his side. As I slid into him, I wanted to be able to hold him, to hug him close to me, and this felt like the right position to make that happen. I didn’t want to just screw. I wanted this to be meaningful as well, however crazy that was.

  “Oh wow,” Jon cried out in sheer joy as I moved my way into him, matching my feelings exactly. He felt wonderful, experiencing this new part of his body felt amazing. “Alex, you feel incredible.”

  I thrust, slowly at first before getting faster and faster as the passion overtook. I was already so close. Jon had already brought me to the brink, and from the way he was gasping out gleefully, he was in the same boat as me.

  The pleasure was building... the bond between me and Jon growing... I felt like this moment would change us forever. This was more than just a random one night stand. This was serious, and I couldn’t wait to find out where this would take us next. I liked Jon. I always had, and now I genuinely felt like this could be the start of something incredible.

  And that was the last thought I had before the waves of intense pleasure crashed over me, sending my body flying high on some other plane entirely. As the pleasure claimed me, turning me into an explosive, buckling mess, I felt like this was really it... that somehow everything would work out, and it would be all be smooth sailing from here on out.

  Chapter Nine

  Jon

  Shit, I shouldn’t have done that… I thought, pacing the bedroom with Alex still asleep in the big bed beside me. I couldn’t enjoy anything about the luxurious room. Despite how excited I was when booking it all, my brain was focused on something else entirely – namely the mistake I just made. That was a mistake... that’s going to cause endless problems now at work. I might even lose my job.

  I honestly wasn’t sure what had come over me. I’d been doing so well, squashing down my emotions, getting on with it, and ignoring all my feelings. And now...

  Well, maybe it had been a long time apart. Maybe it was because we’d been drinking. Maybe it was because that intense bond wasn’t going anywhere however hard we tried. The first time we’d hooked up we didn’t know each other, and we had no idea how awkward it’d be later on. This time we had no excuse. We knew the risks and we did it anyway.

  Sure, it felt incredible. There was no denying that, but with Alex it always did. Somehow he seemed to know my body too well. As the sizzling chemistry between us swirled, dragging us in like magnets, I felt on top of the world. I felt like I was in the place I was always supposed to be, but of course that wasn’t the case. Alex was my boss. I worked for him, and we couldn’t ever be anything more than that. How complicated did I want my life to be? We were doing okay, working on an even keel, and now everything was screwed up all over again.

  Shit... what am I going to do now?

  I stared down at him with my hands on my hips, my mind whirring like crazy with all kinds of feelings. A big part of me wanted to jump back into bed with him, to wrap him up in my arms, to see where this thing could go. But that’s what I always did. I let myself get too carried away with my feelings at the sacrifice of everything else and it left me with a broken heart. This time I actually had something else that I wanted to fight for. I had my job, and I didn’t want to lose it over this. Just because he was the best-looking man I’d ever laid my eyes upon, and because I felt more for Alex than I ever had anyone else, didn’t mean we had to become anything.

  I suppose I could’ve waited for Alex to wake up. I should’ve discussed it with him like an adult, but I was afraid to do so. I was scared of what he was going to tell me. What if he blew me off? What if he said it’d be much too hard to work together and be involved as well? What if he made me choose – the job or him? Maybe it would be better for me to make my feelings clear first – not my real feelings, of course – but if I left now it would prove that I wasn’t taking anything too seriously. If Alex thought this was just another one night stand, then we could continue acting the way we did already around one another...

  It wasn’t my smartest plan, but it was about two AM and I didn’t know what else to think. My head was all over the place and I was too afraid of being rejected. Things were so chaotic in the warehouse at work at the moment with the Christmas picking and packing, so that all staff was bound to be called in to help, leaving me and Alex with no time alone together anyway. Once all that was done, this would be blown over anyway. We probably wouldn’t ever need to mention it again. Now was the perfect time for this one time, never to be repeated mistake to happen. If we had to fall into bed together, this would be the only time it’d work.

  Which meant I really did have to leave.

  I tugged my clothes up over my body, trying to ignore the numb, hollow sensation encasing my heart. I was turning my back on what I really wanted, trying to be smart. I just hoped it paid off and that I didn’t end up regretting this very moment. Once I was dressed, I turned to give Alex one last, lingering look, trying to commit everything about him to memory. This time as I said goodbye, I knew there was no chance we could walk away from one another never to cross paths again. Somehow, that made it so much harder.

  Come on, I eventually warned myself harshly. Get out of here before you make more of a mess of things. So with that I literally made my legs make those steps out into the hallway and clicked the door behind me. My heart shattered painfully in my chest, so I paused there for a second just resting my forehead sadly against his door. I didn’t want to do this, but I hoped it was the right move.

  We had another event in the morning planned – a second chance for me to see the legendary Raymond Ringer talk, but I wasn’t in the mood. Not even to see my hero, which showed how affected I was by all of this. There was no way I could face it, so I raced to my room, grabbed my belongings, and called a cab to take me home instead. I would pass off an illness if needed, say I got sick at the party and had to go home. I wasn’t sure anyone would care too much. It was unlikely I’d even be noticed.

  Except by Alex of course.

  As the car pulled off, taking me away from the scene of the crime, I glanced backward for a moment wishing that I could be stronger in every possible way.

  Never mind. This was no time for self-reflection. This was a time to keep plowing on through everything. I’d been so focused on the job in the last few weeks, and I’d been doing really well. Without any distractions, I’d actually found myself to be a natural organizer – something I never thought I’d be any good at. I’d just have to switch everything off and continue on in that path. Maybe I needed to get some hobbies to distract me in my spare time too. I had been
making loose plans for the game I eventually wanted to take to show Raymond Ringer – if he didn’t hate me too much for bailing on both his speeches – so that was something I could throw more into. I had the sketches done, the plotline planned out, and some basic graphics created... I was actually on my way to making my dream come true. I’d made more effort than ever before, and I didn’t want it to go to waste. Not now.

  Maybe that could take me away from these really difficult feelings... at least until I was in a much better position to cope with it all. I couldn’t go on this way forever. Eventually I was going to have to make some sort of decision, but until then I simply had to find a way to get through it.

  Chapter Ten

  Alex

  What the fuck is going on? I hated staring across the warehouse at Jon, just to see the back of his head, or him pointedly looking downwards, even laughing at a joke someone else was telling him... anywhere but at me. It was driving me crazy. As if waking up alone in that hotel room wasn’t enough, now I had to suffer not knowing what was going on in his head at all.

  Why won’t Jon talk to me?

  I really thought that we would make a go of things once we’d given in to our feelings. I felt like that was what that night meant. I had no idea it was going to be just another confusing one night stand. If I knew that was the case, I would have stuck to my guns and avoided temptation at all costs – anything to avoid this hurt now. I assumed that Jon felt the same way I did, and that he was willing to work around all the complications that faced us. I thought we were worth it, and I thought he did too.

  It seemed I was wrong... very wrong.

  And now, to make things a million times worse, everyone had been called into the warehouse department of the company to help pack up stock for the last minute Christmas rush in the stores. There wasn’t a chance in hell of me speaking to Jon. Not face to face anyway. I really didn’t want to call or text him about this, not when he’d walked out on me making his feelings perfectly clear. He walked out on me in the middle of the night without leaving a note, and he’d made absolutely no effort to speak to me since. If that didn’t tell me all I needed to know, then I wasn’t sure what would.

  So why couldn’t I let it go?

  I sighed deeply, trying to concentrate on what I was doing rather than staring across the room like a teenager with a crush, but it was really hard. I was usually such a confident man, I never thought that I would end up in such a situation, but Jon made me nervous. I felt totally on edge the whole time, wondering why his feelings didn’t match mine. I was even analyzing all of my behavior to work out what I’d done wrong – why wasn’t he as into this as me? Was it the way I looked, something unchangeable about my personality, or was it only the work thing? If I just knew that I could get the closure I so desperately needed. Without it, I wasn’t sure how to move on.

  "Everything okay, Sir?” one of the interns – why did I still not know his name – asked me, seemingly sensing my mood whereas Jon couldn’t (or wouldn’t).

  “Fine,” I nodded, slightly turning away from him, trying to make my feelings on the conversation clear. Just because we were working the same position today, didn’t mean we were on the same level. “You?” I eventually asked after a pause. I wasn’t sure why, but Jon’s nicer nature had seemingly rubbed off on me.

  “Well actually I wanted to speak to you about Christmas. Could I have an extra day off because the flights home are much cheaper the day before...”

  The old me wouldn’t have even entertained the idea, not while the department was such a mess, but in all honesty my heart just wasn’t in it anymore. I nodded slowly. “Sure, whatever,” I replied resignedly. His eyes lit up, the fear fell from his expression and I had the horrible feeling that my reign of terror might have been over. If that was the case I’d have to find a way to claw back my respect in the new year. “Just let HR know.”

  “Oh thank you, Sir. Thank you so much.”

  As he raced off, probably to tell all the other interns, meaning I was about to be inundated with requests, I thought about my own Christmas plans. Mom wanted me to go back home again, to spend the holidays with them, but I couldn’t face that. I’d only just got back so there wasn’t any chance of me doing it again. I’d found it all so exhausting. I needed a time out from all of that.

  It was going to have to be a TV dinner alone... or even worse. I’d be one of those people who spent Christmas at work, and not because they had to. Again my eyes traveled to Jon. In the back of my mind, I’d been getting far too carried away, making internal plans with him, which I could now see was silly. He was obviously in another place entirely...

  Only this time he seemed to sense me looking, and that magnetism took over once more, making it impossible for him to resist glancing back. The second our eyes connected I felt the rest of the world still, and he looked exactly the same. A million and one unspoken conversations floated between us, silencing everything else. In that moment I knew. I’d been so worried, panicking that he didn’t want anything to do with me, but he did.

  The only thing keeping him away from me was fear. I could see it written all over his face. I tried to silently communicate with him, to tell him that he didn’t need to be. Unfortunately before the message was fully received someone bumped into Jon, dragging his eyes away from me. I continued looking, praying that he’d glance back again, but when he did it was only for a brief second and the bond was gone.

  That didn’t matter. Now I knew. Now I had hope. That, I could work with.

  I got back to work with a massive grin playing on my lips. It made me realize how heavily this had all been playing on me. A big boulder was lifted and I could breathe much easier once more. It was the work thing putting him off me. It had to be, and that was easily overcome... I just had to find a way to make him see that. Now when I eventually got him alone, I wouldn’t be all panicked trying to work out where his head was at. I could simply use the time to make him understand that if we both wanted it enough we could make it happen. Maybe work would have to be rearranged, but that didn’t matter. That was easily enough done, especially when Jon had so much talent in so many other areas.

  I knew that me and Jon were meant to be together, our second night together had just confirmed that to me. We had something very special, something more powerful than anything either of us had ever felt before, and that was worth fighting for. It wouldn’t be smooth sailing, certainly not for a long time and maybe not ever, but it was me and Jon and that was worth everything. There was no walking away from this now, no pretending that we wouldn’t see each other again, or even that we could just be friends and colleagues. We’d tried that, and it really wasn’t working. There had to be a reason for that.

  Now it was time to accept that if we allowed it to be, this could eventually turn into love and all the wonderful stuff that came with it.

  Chapter Eleven

  Jon

  I’d been focusing so much on not making eye contact with Alex, just because I couldn’t handle it, so when it actually happened it came as something of a shock. He had feelings bulldozing through my body, emotions bolting, darting everywhere, and it instantly became hard to focus all over again. Alex sent me dizzy and wild, and that wasn’t the way I needed to feel when I was working.

  It was hard. Liking someone so much that it damn near killed me, and knowing that he probably felt the same way too. But I was picking my career this time. I was doing my best to be sensible. It hurt now, but it probably wouldn’t forever, and then I’d have actually carved out a name for myself.

  I’d been getting through each day in the warehouse, focusing only on work quite well only because I knew I had my game creation to get back to at the end of the day. I was really enjoying turning the vision in my mind to a reality. It was so much fun. The game idea I’d had swimming around in my head for years, that I’d created storyboards for and even written an elevator pitch for in my mind, was finally becoming something real, something tangible, and I found
that so thrilling.

  I had done a lot of the work at home, but now I was at the stage where I needed to sneak into the empty office in the evening times to use the equipment there. It was a little naughty because I hadn’t asked permission, but that was only because I didn’t want anyone to know what I was up to until it was done. I justified it to myself by knowing that Raymond Ringer would profit from it, if it were ever to become an idea.

  I felt a little shattered at the end of the day. It had been a particularly busy one, but nothing would keep me from using my evening to get this done. I’d come so far in only a week, and I didn’t want the momentum to stop. As I sat back at the computer and I got all the programs running, my heart lifted and any tiredness I was feeling flew right out of the window.

  This was what I’d fought so hard for, this was why I needed to make sacrifices, and this was the way I wanted my life to go.

  Click...

  As I heard the unmistakable sound of the main door to the office opening, my heart leaped up into my throat. Whoever this was had come in too soon after me. Maybe they’d followed me, or at the very least seen me come inside. I glanced around rapidly, flickering my eyes over all my stuff. I’d laid it out everywhere; it was too late to try and gather it up now, wasn’t it? I didn’t feel like I stood a chance in hell! Would my excuses really work? Would someone understand why I was using the office equipment without asking if I told them the feeble reasoning I’d given myself? Or was I about to be fired?

  I stood up slowly as the footsteps followed me up the stairs. I gulped down a massive thick ball of fear that lodged firmly in my throat as I watched out for my fate to fall upon me. Faces swam in front of my mind, potential people it could be, and none of them instilled any confidence within me. Things were about to go rapidly south. I felt sure of it.

  The door swung open, much too slowly, leaving my heart thundering in my chest. My whole body felt like it was uncontrollably shaking, and I had no idea how to stop it. I’d taken this bold – probably stupid – move to hurry up my dreams, to help them come true, and now I was about to lose everything. All because I was too scared to just tell anyone what I wanted... how foolish was I? It would be my fear that sent me flying back into the gutter, and once I was fired from this job, no one would ever hire me again. All my dreams would be dashed forever...