Home to Heal

by Lois Richer

  “I’m so sorry it happened,” she whispered.

  “They cost me my mission, but I can’t, I won’t, give up my sight to them,” he said, back teeth clenched.

  “Don’t dwell there, Zac,” Abby said firmly, a calm comfort in her voice. “Maybe instead you could remember the ‘whatsoever’ verse in Philippians. You know the one. Whatsoever things are true, honest, just, pure, lovely, of good report—think on those things.”

  “Good advice,” Zac agreed, the knot inside him loosening just a bit, though he wasn’t sure he would ever be able to forgive God for not intervening. “I can’t decide our future right now, so we’ll stay at the ranch, take some time to adjust. While the girls get comfortable and my eyes heal, we’ll forget about the future for a while. You must, too, Abby,” he insisted.

  “Me?” She looked surprised that he’d included her.

  “You. You haven’t said much about it, but I know that leaving Africa after so many years of living there must be difficult. Probably not much of a vacation having to be a nurse to me and watch two spunky kids either, but the ranch is a great place for sorting things through.” Zac let his mind play back to the last time he’d been at Hanging Hearts. “There are lots of places to stroll or hike. Or you can just lie back and watch the clouds float by.”

  “That sounds like fun. Is that what you used to do?” Abby was good at turning the focus back on him, he realized.

  “Sometimes,” he admitted with a grin. “Mostly when it was my turn to dry the dishes.”

  “Dishes?” Abby sounded surprised. “I thought you’d have chores like feeding horses or...something.”

  “Oh, we did. But Bonnie was big on us boys learning to manage for ourselves, too. One day a week each brother had to take a turn making a meal. My brother Drew was the best at that. And we always had to help with cleanup. All three of us were awful at cleaning.” He laughed out loud at the memories. “It was fun growing up on Hanging Hearts Ranch.”

  “My boarding school was not like that.” A wistful note wove through Abby’s words.

  Zac guessed she’d been lonely.

  “What are your brothers like?” she wondered.

  “Drew’s the eldest. He and I were always big into math and science. Nerdy,” he admitted with a shrug. “He’s a financial analyst for companies who want his input before they invest. He moved from New York back to the ranch to marry his high school sweetheart, Mandy. She runs the Double H for my parents and Drew helps her out when he’s not busy forecasting stock market trends. They have a daughter, Ella.”

  “You said there were three brothers,” Abby murmured.

  “Sam’s the youngest. Not nerdy at all. People oriented. He’s a journalist.” Zac waited for her to catch on.

  “Wait a minute! Sam Calhoun? Your brother is a foreign correspondent for the biggest news agency in the world?” Like everyone else who recognized Sam’s name, Abby sounded awestruck.

  “Yeah, that’s Sam. He finds the hottest, most dangerous conflict spot in the world and heads straight for it.” Zac sighed. “He’s making us all turn gray early with his antics, but I doubt he’ll ever give it up.”

  “He’s single?” was Abby’s next question.

  “Sam was engaged a few years ago until someone didn’t care for his coverage of them and kidnapped his fiancée, Celia. She had an allergic attack and died in captivity.” Zac paused, reminded of that sad time. “Since her death, Sam’s blamed himself. He never lets anyone else get close now.”

  “So he keeps taking risky assignments to avoid love.” It sounded as if Abby understood his brother. “I’m sure you must miss him.”

  “Yes, and so do our parents.” Immediately he felt guilty for not having bridged the distance between his own kids and their grandparents more often.

  “I think you and Sam must be a lot alike,” Abby said thoughtfully.

  “Not really.” Surprised, Zac asked, “Why do you say that?”

  “Because you both found women who captured your hearts, and when they died, Maria and Celia took your hearts with them.” Abby’s voice grew softer, reflective. “You and Sam bury yourselves in keeping their dreams alive.”

  “How could you come to that conclusion?” he asked, taken aback by her perception. “You didn’t even know Sam’s fiancée.”

  “Nor your Maria,” she agreed. “But I’m pretty sure neither Maria nor Celia would have stayed with a man whose vision they didn’t share. I also think it’s true because of the dedication both of you have to your work.”

  “Celia was Sam’s camera operator,” Zac told her. “She shared his love of a good story.”

  “Just as Maria shared your dream of helping the ill and infirm, of making a place of healing for those in pain.” He had a hunch she nodded when she said it. “You’re blessed to have such a wonderful family.” Again the note of melancholy filled her voice.

  “I’m sure you had lots of friends in Africa.” He hadn’t known her long, but he was certain that Abigail Armstrong was the kind of woman who attracted supporters.

  Her answer was a long time coming.

  “Yes,” Abby said very quietly. “I made many friends after Ken died.” A moment later she excused herself to help Mia.

  She’d made friends after her husband died? The mystery that was Abby intrigued Zac. He wanted to know more about her and a lot more about the man she’d married, the one who disapproved of her helping homeless, hurting kids.

  “Everything okay?” he asked when she returned.

  “Oh, yes. The girls are fine, though I think they’re tired. I tucked them under a blanket and Zoe drifted right off. Mia’s on the verge of sleep, too.” A smile warmed her voice. “They are so sweet. How do you think they’ll handle ranch life?”

  “Hopefully they’ll adapt. I guess I never really thought a lot about how this move would affect my girls.” He’d been so focused on getting them back and away from danger. Their safety had been paramount. “I guess that sounds pretty stupid.”

  “No, it doesn’t. Of course you weren’t thinking about that. Not then. But I’ve been thinking about it now.” She paused, then said thoughtfully, “With the kids who came to stay with me, I noticed that it was often helpful for them to be involved in something that engaged their attention for at least part of the day. Something they could count on going back to the next day. Are there active children’s groups nearby that the girls could join?”

  “There’s a lot on the ranch that they can do,” he said with a chuckle. “Helping my mom plant her garden or feed the animals in her petting zoo, to name two. There’s actually quite a bit more than that to interest them.”

  “Riding horses, too, I imagine,” Abby added.

  “They’re too young for that,” he said firmly.

  “But—” When Abby stopped, Zac guessed she’d been about to object. Her next words sounded appeasing, as if she didn’t want to upset him. “I’m sure there are plenty of things on the ranch, Zac. But I was referring more to activities in which they can engage with other children. I’ve found that no matter where they’re from, kids playing together helps overcome language, physical, mental and emotional issues. It helps them heal.”

  “I’m sure you’re right.” He thought about it. “I don’t know what activities there might be locally for kids. I’ve been away from the ranch and the nearby town of Sunshine for quite a while. But I can find out.”

  “Do that,” Abby urged. “Even day care for a few hours a day would help them blend in with the locals and the community.” She had run an orphanage. She knew kids. But...

  “I don’t want them away from the ranch or me for very long,” Zac blurted. “Especially not closed up in some day care. They can invite friends out to the ranch to play.”

  “But...how are Mia and Zoe to meet these friends?” Abby wondered.

  “At church probably.” He shr
ugged. “Of course there’s Drew’s daughter, Ella. She’s around the same age. They’ll be fine with her.”

  “Maybe.” Abby hesitated. She spoke again, but this time her voice betrayed her anxiety. “After the accident when your parents died, did you and your brothers move to the ranch immediately?”

  “No. We were injured in July and spent several weeks in the hospital,” he explained. “Why?”

  “So you moved to Hanging Hearts Ranch in what—August? September?”

  Zac couldn’t tell where this was going.

  “End of August, I think,” he said, trying to recall. “Yeah, because school was starting.”

  “Then you and your brothers had a few weeks of being the new guys before you became part of the school group,” she guessed.

  “I suppose so.” And then he understood the implications of her questions. “You’re saying school and the kids in it helped us find our place, helped us fit in.” Zac cocked his head to one side to think about it. “I guess you’re right. But it’s only March. Mia and Zoe won’t be going to kindergarten for several months.”

  “That’s why I don’t think they should wait to find friends, Zac. They’ll be terribly lonely if they spend the entire spring and summer without any children besides Ella and without new interests to pursue.” Abby touched his arm as if she was trying to soften her words. “Eventually they’ll want to invite someone over, or to go to the friend’s house. But before that can happen they need to meet other kids.”

  “Meaning I need to make an effort to engage them,” he finished, and nodded. “I know. It’s just—hard not to have them with me.”

  “I’m sure it is. You’ve been through great trauma. You missed them and now you feel like you’ve only just gotten them back. But they’ll be right there to tuck in every night. Positive experiences with others will help them feel secure in their new home.” Abby paused, sort of diffidently, as if she was too timid to say more.

  “I don’t think you’re the type of person to shy away from speaking the hard stuff so you might as well tell me whatever else is on your mind,” he mumbled, pretty sure he didn’t want to hear it, whatever it was.

  “Well, I’m curious,” she murmured. He could feel her scrutiny right through his eye coverings. “What will you do? How will you fill your time? The doctors said it will be at least six weeks before your eye coverings can be removed.”

  Zac noticed she didn’t say “until you can see again.” Because she didn’t believe he would?

  “I don’t know about my future. I haven’t thought about that, either.”

  “Maybe you should.” Her voice grew pensive. “You can’t just twiddle your thumbs while you wait to see. That will only make time go slower.”

  “What do you suggest?” he demanded, slightly irritated. “I can hardly ranch or rope or escort groups on trail rides like Drew and my dad do.”

  “No, you can’t,” she agreed. “But maybe there’s something else you can do. Maybe that’s why God brought you here.”

  “God didn’t bring me here,” Zac snapped, irritated beyond measure that she thought the loss of his African mission could be God-directed. “A bunch of murdering men burned down my mission. Because of them my best friend is missing and maybe dead. Men blinded me and damaged my hands.”

  “Zac, I’m sorry. I—”

  “The question isn’t why God brought me here, Abby. The question is, where was God when it was all happening, when He could have reached out His hand, spoken a word or even thought about it, and those men wouldn’t have been able to kill my patients?” Though instantly ashamed of his outburst, it felt good to finally voice the frustrations that had plagued him ever since that awful evening.

  Abby’s silence was deafening.

  “Until I can figure out the point of all that suffering, I’m not going to worry too much about why I’m back.” He crossed his arms over his chest. “Now I’m going to sleep.”

  “Do that,” she whispered. “I’m going to pray.”

  “I hope you get an answer to your prayers, Abby. Because I sure haven’t,” he muttered, and then felt guilty for saying it aloud.

  * * *

  Abby kept a vigilant eye on all three of her charges for the rest of the journey to Montana. She wasn’t upset by Zac’s outburst. He’d been through a terrible ordeal and no doubt questioned everything now. She knew from personal experience how hard it was to understand God’s ways.

  For instance, why had God allowed her to marry Ken when He knew that her husband was nothing like the man he’d pretended to be? The question was an old one and Abby was no closer to an answer now than she had been when Ken was alive. Which was why she shied away from dwelling on the past.

  She’d help the twins settle in, build friendships and make the ranch her temporary home. Though it wasn’t part of her job, perhaps there was something she could do to help Zac, too, other than providing nursing care.

  Show me how to help them, Father, she prayed silently. Show me how they can find You in their new world.

  Abby fell so deep into her prayers that she drifted off. The flight attendant’s announcement that they’d soon be landing roused her. After waking Mia and Zoe, she stored their packs and made sure their seat belts were fastened. Then she checked on Zac.

  “Abby, I’m sorry I dumped all over you,” he began.

  “It’s not a problem,” she assured him. “Everyone has questions at some time or another. That’s how we grow in faith.”

  “I’m not sure religion can cover all my questions,” he said, only half in jest.

  “I don’t think it can, either, because I don’t believe in religion.” She smiled at his surprised expression as she secured her own seat belt. “To me, religion is a generic name used to cover different views. It’s wishy-washy. I believe in faith. Faith in God is what I base my life on. Faith is why I can trust God even though many of my own questions remain unanswered.”

  “So you don’t ever doubt.” He frowned.

  “Everyone doubts at some time or other.”

  Now that she knew Zac as more than simply a patient, Abby could let herself admire this very attractive man. She especially liked his eyes, which, when uncovered, were a rich dark brown. Abby could imagine them twinkling with lightheartedness as he played with his daughters.

  “Hey? Is everything all right?” Zac’s face displayed his concern.

  “Sorry. I got lost in my thinking.” She smiled before remembering he couldn’t see it and would need words to reassure him. “Of course I have doubts. It’s what you do with the doubts that tells you how much your faith is worth.”

  “I myself have said that to probably fifty people in the past,” he admitted with a wry grin. “Never had it hit home so hard before.”

  “The thing is, as humans we’re always in a hurry. But God doesn’t deal with time as we do.” Abby tried to relax as the plane banked slightly left. As usual, the motion brought back memories of the day she’d lost her son.

  “‘A day is as a thousand years and a thousand years is as a day,’” Zac quoted.

  “Exactly,” Abby agreed, releasing a tension-filled breath. “We try to see everything from our human perspective. We forget that God’s perspective is far different.”

  “That doesn’t offer any answers,” he challenged.

  “No, it doesn’t,” she agreed quietly. “I don’t have any answers. But sometimes it helps simply to know that we don’t have the whole picture—about anything,” she added.

  “Does that help you?” Zac’s quiet question was almost inaudible over the roar of the engines.

  “Yes. I’m learning to stop asking why things happen,” Abby murmured. “That helps me deal with my life more effectively.”

  “Ignorance is bliss, huh?” His words burst out harshly. “Sorry, that doesn’t work for me.”

  “It might hav
e to, for a little while.” She touched his hand, trying to convey her empathy. “God hasn’t changed, Zac. He still loves you and the twins as much as He ever did. I think you’ll need to hang on to that to help yourself and them as you make the ranch your new home.”

  She withdrew her hand quickly as a frisson of electricity passed between them. It wasn’t anything romantic, she told herself. It was just that her heart ached for him and for the huge change in his life that had him doubting. Clearly his faith had been shaken. Given her own questions, she probably wasn’t the right person to help him return to his core beliefs.

  So why am I here, Lord? What am I supposed to do for this shattered family? I have no answers and it won’t take Zac long to realize my “strong faith” is a sham.

  Abby tightened her seat belt just before the plane touched down. Some little voice inside warned her that in the coming days she would need God more than she ever had.

  Could she make a difference in Zac’s world and that of his sweet daughters?

  Could she manage alone in this new country?

  Abby didn’t have a choice. She had to manage whatever came along because she was on her own now. That’s what she’d wanted.

  Wasn’t it?

  Chapter Three

  “Zac!” Drew’s voice in the noisy baggage area of the Missoula airport drew Zac’s attention to the left. He judged his brother to be about three feet away. “It’s great to have you home, bro.”

  Zac had never known Drew to be especially hands-on, so he was a little surprised when his brother embraced him in a warm, welcoming hug. Marriage must have changed Drew a lot. Why not? Marriage to Maria had certainly changed Zac.

  “Thanks. It’s great to be here.” Not exactly true. Coming to Montana was a necessity because Zac had nowhere else to go. “This is Abigail Armstrong. Call her Abby.”

  There was an odd pause before Drew spoke, his voice filled with—what? Surprise? Confusion? Zac couldn’t quite discern his brother’s reaction. He decided he’d ask about it later.